Broken :(

[Star7]

I know

[Chris516]

I'm sorry u went through that. And yes, ultimately it is going to tear apart our relationship if it already hasn't. Sad truth. The saddest part being that I am probably the only one who cares out of the two of us

There is your answer. why are you straying with another alcoholic??? Perhaps its time to break up and stay to yourself for a bit. Learn to love you and KNOW you deserve so much more than what you are getting now... Your SO has a mistress.... its his bottle......

OP, I won't agree that he doesn't care. But that he is both unable to care and unable not to care. Because his mind and judgment is clouded by the alcohol.

I do agree that your SO has a mistress named the bottle.

[hmrambling]

AlAnon is for friends and families of alcoholics. No part of AlAnon says you have to be married to an alcoholic, nor do they teach you to stay with an alcoholic. These are very broad stereotypes.

My SO drinks to not miss me basically . I miss him a lot & feel like such a baby. He barely says anything to make me feel better if that makes sense. It's hard also as I'm the one who's moved away & still looking for a job so wayyy too much time to think. How do I do this & survive mentally? I'd like to make myself detach but don't know how. Especially since he's good to me (when we're together)

Also, in another one of your posts you say that he drinks because he misses you. Why would you say that he only drinks because he misses you, and then say that he is an alcoholic in this post?

Ugh, maybe u guys can help me. I have no prob coming up with clever texts etc but unfortunately my bf (900miles away) responds but then disappears after only a few texts. I don't wanna be the needy girl but it's really starting to get to me. I brought it up & he said I seemed somewhat insecure. Long story short..he's an alcoholic & frequently just passed out etc which I get. Yes I'm aware I shouldn't tolerate it but we care about each other & he makes me laugh. Well unfortunately now I cry more than laugh How do I unlike him or am I just being impatient?

Ironic that he drinks only because he misses you, and then misses your texts because he's passed out.

I notice also that you say in your posts, "he makes me happy", "he makes me sad." Nobody can make me feel bad without my permission. When I say someone makes me feel a certain way, it's taking the responsibility off of me. If I say that someone makes me feel a certain kind of way, I'm setting myself up to give someone credit for how I feel.

People say all the time, "you make me feel happy," when they mean, "I'm happy when I'm with you."
"you make me feel bad," when it really means, "I feel bad and I'm blaming you for it."

You are responsible for your own feelings. Why are you giving him credit for you happiness and being a victim when you are sad?


He will not get help unless he wants the help. If he does not want help, at some point you are no longer a victim and you are contributing to the problem.

[Star7]

Somewhat rude but it is the Internet, so I expect at least a few of those type of responses. As far as Al-Anon, then obviously I was in a not so quality meeting group because that's exactly what they taught us to tolerate. Needless to say that was years ago. yes, for several reasons I know for a fact he is a full on alcoholic. Yes he makes me happy when we're together. Yes he makes me sad when we're apart due to his habits/not a good responder/communicator. And to answer your question, I know he drinks more at times due to our situation because those were words out of his own mouth when we had a heart to heart about it before I even moved away. Ie: isn't this being apart from each other going to suck? His response… That's what the alcohol is for. The list goes on, I realize only certain people can understand such a situation and are supportive of it & not critical. I appreciate those of you who have left supportive messages. Thank you 💗

[hmrambling]

An alcoholic is always going to have an excuse to drink. Missing you is not a prerequisite for drinking in excess or on a daily basis, but being an alcoholic is.

It seems like you're determined to stay with him because he 'makes you happy' so I suppose the only real answer is to accept his behavior or to make boundaries around how you will be treated. AlAnon is always an option.

[zaily]

The impression I get is that the help the OP expected was to be told it is positive to be with someone with addiction problems and that she should continue being in that relationship.
There is nothing good or positive about being in a relationship with an alcoholic, but if the OP chooses to think that a relationship with someone with addictions is a good idea that's her prerogative.

[Star7]

I suppose that's one sarcastic nonsupportive way to put it

[R&R]

I suppose that's one sarcastic nonsupportive way to put it

There was nothing sarcastic or non-supportive about it. Zaily is correct and honest.

My uncle was an alcoholic. He died before he hit 65 due to complications from it. He never held down a steady job. He was, however a functioning alcoholic. My aunt had to work full-time and raise the two kids. In the end, though they didn't divorce, the ended up separated and in different states. She enabled him for years. Now she lives between her sisters and her daughters because she has nothing.

My ex-husband is also an alcohoholic. I divorced him when our daughters were 4 and 5. When I divorced him, he lost his home and had limited contact with this kids - then he realized he had to make changes. The thing is, he had to realize it and do it for himself. There was nothing I could do or say to make him give it up. I did not give up on him - I put my children and myself first and that was more important. He hasn't had a drink in over 10 years now, is re-married and successful in his career.

If you want to stay and stick with this person - that is your choice. You're 45 years old and not a little kid any more. You are old enough to understand what you are getting into and how life is going to be with him. If you do and you go into it with eyes wide open, then you have no reason to complain or vent. You have options and this is the option you chose. We all have points in our life to choose one path or the other. We either make a good decision or a bad decision. The good thing about life is if you make a bad decision, many times, life provides you another opportunity down the road to correct your actions and get out of the bad situation you put yourself into int the first place. Best of luck.

[hmrambling]

There is nothing good or positive about being in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

Fixed it for you.

A relationship with a recovering alcoholic can be quite satisfying if the recovering alcoholic works a diligent program of recovery.

It also helps when the partner of the alcoholic is in recovery also, such as AlAnon and/or recovery for codependency.

See, while the alcoholic is drinking it's easy to blame the alcoholic for all of the problems. But when the alcoholic stops drinking and starts recovery, then the real work begins and a lot of the times the alcoholic's partner gets to see just how sick he/she was to enter a relationship with an alcoholic and that he/she has been sick all along.

I've been on both sides. Dated an alcoholic. It was such chaos and craziness. She was an active alcoholic who was still drinking. Drama all of the time. When she stopped, I had to have a real hard look at myself. And so I did. And when I focused on myself, and my own recovery, I realized that I played a role in the insanity and that I enabled a lot of her behaviors. No longer could I play the victim role. But that's hard work to look at one's self. A lot of people prefer to stay in denial and blame the alcoholic.

[Star7]

Thank u hmrambling. That's a helpful way to look at it. And I totally get that. The hardest thing for me is just knowing that I'm going to have to walk away for my own sanity because I already know he has no intentions of stopping. And it kills me to know what a good person he is/or seems to be way down deep. And one of the hardest things for me to realize is that his behavior is not because of who I am as a person. Sometimes I think… Why am I not good enough for him to want to stop? But I already know that's not the case, it's just easy to get caught up in that thought process. The whole situation is just very sad. But thanks for your advice.

[Honour]

Sometimes I think… Why am I not good enough for him to want to stop? But I already know that's not the case, it's just easy to get caught up in that thought process. The whole situation is just very sad. But thanks for your advice.

Because those with alcoholism are clouded in their judgements, and they see the world through a haze of foggy memories and from being thick, heavy glass. I just wanted to add: people here are not being harsh, it's the truth, whether you may like the wording of the advice given or not. And unlike many places on the internet, there are hardly any judgemental assholes here.

[hmrambling]

Why am I not good enough for him to want to stop?

Try rearranging your thinking.

Like this:

I deserve a partner who treats me well.

I deserve to be treated better.

Instead of this: Why am I not good enough for him to want to stop?

With that statement, you are allowing his actions to determine your worth.

Never let another human being determine your worth.

It's up to you to determine your worth.

[hmrambling]

I'm going to have to walk away for my own sanity.

Everybody's Girl

I once held the Queen of the Winter Night.
I didn't hold her only once.
I loved her.
I loved her deeply and fiercely, like I loved no other before,
but I couldn't accept her as she was.
Oh, she was a sight to behold.
She was so easy on the eyes.
I loved to hold her
but sometimes that meant torment.
I loved her and wanted her to be mine
but in the end, she was everybody's girl.
Everybody's girl....
Everybody's.
Her eyes searched for validation in all that she met.
Everyone had a piece of her and she gave pieces of herself away.
When would we have a moment?
When would she be still?
When would the past not haunt her?
When would she not agonize over the future?
When would she be present, calm, and comfortable in the moment?
Her eyes looked for validation in me.
She told me she was lonely.
I quietly looked to her, as if to say, “I can't fix your lonely.”
When we first met, she said she was attracted to my calmness,
my stillness, my peace.
She would engage me and kick up the drama,
intensity, and excitement.
When I responded in calm she called me a turtle
and told me to go back into my shell.
I didn't respond with the same intensity that she anticipated.
Sometimes I faltered.
Sometimes I teetered.
Sometimes I allowed myself to be sucked into the discontentment.
Intensity begat intensity.
I didn't always trust her motives.
I didn't always trust my instincts.
I felt cornered and manipulated and afraid.
Where was this calm, still person she was first attracted to?
Where did she go?
I turned my power over to the intensity, the drama, the excitement.
I prayed if I held her that I could quiet her storms,
still her rivers.
I could not fix her lonely.
I lay torn as I held her.
When would we have a moment?
I laid crying, loving her more than I had ever loved before
knowing in the depths of my heart and in all of my rational mind
that she was not mine -
She was everybody's girl.
Everybody's.
Her words communicated who she wanted to be
but her actions told me who she was.
In the beginning, she showed me who she was
but I chose not to believe her.
She could not trust...
She could not escape her past.
She was a victim of everything that had ever happened in her life.
She showed me this early on and I chose not to believe it.
Every one of my flaws were an excuse for her to be a victim,
to not trust,
to remind her of the past.
I was so frustrated.
I couldn't change her.
I couldn't accept her.
She was a master manipulator and
I did NOT have the skills
to match her.
Nor did I want to.
I did not want to exert the effort to stand up to her manipulation.
I wanted to be treated well because I was a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I had to let her go.
There was a time that the torment outweighed the love.
The angst was greater than the momentary quiet.
Tears robbed hope.
I didn't feel like I voluntarily gave her up,
I felt like I had to give her up in order to save my own sanity.
And I still cared.
She's out there searching for that relationship that will fix her.
And I still cared.
I cared about her welfare,
and I was concerned about those who would take her in
trying to fix her lonely.
I am relieved that our time is over.
I am relieved that I don't have to deal
with the manipulation, drama, and intensity.
I had never given so much of myself. Ever.
Sometimes I say, “thank you for the opportunity
to learn about myself."
I learned that it is okay to love,
but that it's best to share love with someone who is available to me.
I learned that I am capable of loving.
I learned that I want to be loved in return.
I learned what love means to me,
and what it does not mean.
I learned that when people show me who they are
that I need to believe them.
Mostly, I learned to not give so much of myself to
or share my love with Everybody's Girl.

-hmrambling 2013
shortly after a breakup with an alcoholic

[Star7]

Wow...so so very spot on true. Thank you..

[zaily]

Thanks for the correction hmrambling, that is what I meant, someone who still drinks.

Star7: I didn't mean to offend you with my comment. I said honestly what my impression was according to the things you said. I haven't had a relationship with an alcoholic, but have allowed someone to treat me poorly, I knew it was not a good situation for me, but still took me a long time to leave it. What I experienced was not as terrible as being with an active alcoholic could be. You know where the relationship with that guy is going, but that doesn't mean you will do what is best for you, maybe you can't or don't want right now, you will do it when you are ready or perhaps you are going to stay. Whether you leave or stay, don't be blind to reality.