Need advice on ending a relationship

[Virtue]

Me, 28, male, US
Her, 20, female, Canada

It's been a long journey to get to where we are and I feel so hopeless right now. We met online, did the long-distance thing. It wasn't my first LDR but it was her first serious LDR. Along the way, she cheated on me. It didn't bother me so much about the cheating as I believe in physical interaction and can do without it better than most. What bothered me was the months she spent lying to me. I had to coerce her into telling me the truth pretending I had access to chat logs I really didn't. She confessed, but she confessed in a way that made it seem like it was a drunken bar accident hookup. I had my own faults in the distance. Not always being there, not being supportive in the ways she needed, I could have done better.

Fast-forward six months to my own naivety thinking that closing the distance would solve the problems we had. Although the honeymoon stage is inevitable in any relationship, I really didn't want to have one and have it come crashing back down afterwards. That's basically what happened. Through various discussions and fighting I have come to realize a few things about my s/o. She is insecure and an impulsive liar. When I made the choice to stay with her after the cheating and lying, it was under the assumption that she got drunk at a bar with some friends and met a guy. The truth came out while she is staying with me currently (for a planned six months), that she met the guy drunk at a bar and discussed the failings of our relationship with him as friends and then a few days later cheated on me. The further deception and the lack of presentation has devastated the way I feel in our relationship. I've made it worse by trying to accept it and move on. I'm realizing I can't move on when there are so many things she continues to lie about and be hypocritical about. The main one is watching pornography. I've never had an issue with pornography and feel that it promotes a healthy sexual relationship when used as a couple or individually with moderation. She expresses that she feels devalued and that I must not be attracted to her if I am watching it. I've stopped watching it entirely for weeks now. I have come to find out the other night she has not only been watching it previous to her arrival here, but also during her time here while I am at work. I am not mad about that, I am irritated at the hypocrisy of the action.

So now, I feel as though I have made my mind up about the situation. It hurts like hell for me. I can't imagine what it will be like for her when she knows I want her to leave and return to Canada. I don't even know how to tell her that's what I want. Am I to buy the bus ticket before I tell her? Am I supposed to give her a chance to redeem herself somehow? I'm growing older and a bit more mature, but..I have absolutely no experience to draw upon this time. I would say that generally we all post our bad experiences and leave out the good and so that's why I am here. I know there is good in this relationship, but I feel like this is a very unhealthy relationship and I feel like I am just making it more complicated by not ending it now. The amount of guilt and issues that exist about her leaving are also complex. When she returns to Canada, unless her mother takes her in, she has nowhere to stay and nowhere to go, no job setup, nothing really. Should I give her financial assistance if we do break up? What is the responsible thing to do here?

Sorry for the ill-typed post. I'm using the little time I have away from her at work to type this up because if she read it she'd probably flip out and yeah..

[Honour]

1) Don't give her ANY financial support, emotional support, or any other support in general because she doesn't deserve it.

2) Be kind to yourself and END THIS RELATIONSHIP. She does not care for you or your feelings, and quite frankly she could do with the cold, hard wake up call. You can do so much better.

[snow]

What was her initial plan after the planned six months? I assume she had to go back at that point and then what?

It is not on you to financially support her, but since she is currently living with you, you might have to give her some time to figure out where she is going. Be reasonable - no one needs a month to figure this out, but not everyone can figure it out within a couple days.

[C.C.]

I believe in age gap relationships. However, I see a huge maturity gap just from your post.
Best of luck in getting courage and handling things~

[Virtue]

What was her initial plan after the planned six months? I assume she had to go back at that point and then what?

It is not on you to financially support her, but since she is currently living with you, you might have to give her some time to figure out where she is going. Be reasonable - no one needs a month to figure this out, but not everyone can figure it out within a couple days.

The plan was essentially just seeing how it went. Read up on some cases, especially from Canada, where it wasn't that difficult to transition into an adjustment of status if we got married. We both knew there was a possibility if it worked or if it did not that she would have to go back after the six months. The plan was if she had to go back I would be saving some money to get her first month's rent and deposit back in Canada while she got her job setup and we apply for the K-2 visa for fiances. So having planned that, I don't know if I should still save up some money to help her out. If so, do I still end the relationship pre-savings and turn us into defacto roommates in the meantime or do I prolong it until I have all the money to get the ticket for her to get back and honor the vow I made to not just leave her stranded in Canada on return? Her family situation is very sketchy, dad walked out at an early age, mother is an ex-meth addict (goes to methadone clinics daily) so there's not a lot of financial support for her. I get that there was wrong-doing, but I feel I guess...morally obligated knowing how tough it is when you are younger to get shit together. When I was 20, no one was around for me and there was a period of my life where I had to live out of my car. Didn't take long to get out of that situation, but it happened and I don't want to put anyone in that situation. My conscience can't really handle that. She has no savings, it took a lot of moving around to get her here and she used all of her funds to basically keep surviving and getting the passport situation fixed until I had enough funds to get her here.

And yeah, there is a huge maturity gap that really wasn't there when she was on her own. She was living with her ex-boyfriend when we met and she had all of her shit together. It's almost like losing that structure and having no job here, which she can't, she has no basis for a work visa/permit has turned her into this very unconfident insecure person that I wouldn't really have been attracted to if that's the person she was when we met. I'm a firm believer in staying with someone in their worst times if you know there's better times and that's not the issue. The issue is just this controlling, hypocritical mindset and even moreso the lying. LDR's are based on this almost....foolhardy trust. We trust them not to cheat, to be where they are, to do what they say they are doing. I never snooped, never double checked, I trusted. My last post on here was when I screwed up a different LDR really bad based on lies and cheating and I learned from it. This might be karma's way of teaching me a lesson further. But having had that experience, the lies are just too much and I just want this to end.

[Chris516]

It sounds like both of you lied to each other.

[snow]

Throwing her out cold would be horrible and you're doing right by not doing that. I think you should talk to her and see how you guys can figure out a plan for her to go back. If you have the means to save up the money to have her go back and maybe even pay for the first month's rent if that was the plan, then that's what you gotta do, but don't get sucked into paying much more than that, because even though I can see why you would feel obligated to help her get back on her feet, you cannot be taken advantage of.

Talk to her, tell her it's over and then give her some time to collect herself so you can both figure out a way she can go back home. If she can find online work from Canada, she might be able to do that to get some money and save up as it is not illegal to work in your home country while you're in the US.

[hmrambling]

First, I would say that before you make a decision on how to handle things, you might want to check the eviction process in your county and state just in case she does not leave when you ask her to leave. I speak from experience because I had an ex that made zero immediate plans to leave when we broke up. And I found out that there were local laws in place that gave her a right to stay there after she had lived there x amount of time. This resulted in her being at my house and while I slept on friends' couches and lived out of a garbage bag for a month. (The break up was not amicable.) So, first learn and know your rights since you allowed her to live there. She might have more rights than you think.

Secondly, take care of yourself in this process. I suggest autopsying the relationship. Check out the autopsy. here. It will help you to realize how you ended up here so that you don't have to go through all of this again.

Thirdly, there was one time that I sucked it up and paid for the plane ticket back home when an LDR didn't work out. This lady I was dating was going to stay for 2 or 3 weeks to see how things worked out. Without talking much about her character, I will say that we simply did not work out. We sat down and talked about it. I bought a ticket, and she went home. That was that. We never had contact again. So if that's what your heart leads you to do, then I say do it.

You don't have to be (or feel like) the bad guy when you're breaking up with someone. Sometimes it ain't meant to be.

[Sparkling72]

Dragging it on longer is also making things worse. It sounds like she went from living with one boyfriend to another pretty quickly, and she is only 20? IMO, there's a huge gap in 20 and 28. Her behavior is close to normal for the average 20 yr old as far as going out and seeking attention from other men. Lying... well, sounds like she hasn't grown up, but you have already established she is not on the same maturity level you are. Even though she's had a rough life growing up, you tried to "rescue" her, but she obviously doesn't want saving - she wants funding.

If you had originally agreed that if it didn't work out, you'd give her some money... tell her it's not working out and give her whatever dollar amount you feel is fair. She probably will try to talk you out of it, and try hard for a week or two... but she won't change how she treats you. You need to stand your ground and be true to yourself. The real hurtful part is not the breakup, it's the realization that she isn't the person you thought she would be. If you can't pay her now, how long will it take for you to have the money? If it's going to take a month or two, at least tell her she's moving out, have a set date, and give her as much money as you have saved for her.

[rache82]

Oh, I also saw huge red flags when I read your post. I agree, the maturity level is very very different between you guys.
I agree with the others, no financial support from you. I am along the lines of thinking, let her know that it's not working and she'll have to go home; Then give it a few days, but if she's making no attempt to go back, then you can think about the where-too from there.
I'm so sorry to hear you were treated this way.

[Honour]

Age does not always define a couple... I'm 24 almost and my SO is 31. But in this case... maturity is something she's lacking severely.

[Elizabeth123]

Sorry you have such a problem. It's sad for both of you. I agree get some funds together and end the relationship. It's not ok to cheat and lie to your SO.
If she was living with an ex before she arrived she didn't "have it together" IMHO
No point in causing yourself more pain and heartache. This person has a lot of growing up to do...she may not ever be ready to be in an adult relationship.