Me, 28, male, US
Her, 20, female, Canada
It's been a long journey to get to where we are and I feel so hopeless right now. We met online, did the long-distance thing. It wasn't my first LDR but it was her first serious LDR. Along the way, she cheated on me. It didn't bother me so much about the cheating as I believe in physical interaction and can do without it better than most. What bothered me was the months she spent lying to me. I had to coerce her into telling me the truth pretending I had access to chat logs I really didn't. She confessed, but she confessed in a way that made it seem like it was a drunken bar accident hookup. I had my own faults in the distance. Not always being there, not being supportive in the ways she needed, I could have done better.
Fast-forward six months to my own naivety thinking that closing the distance would solve the problems we had. Although the honeymoon stage is inevitable in any relationship, I really didn't want to have one and have it come crashing back down afterwards. That's basically what happened. Through various discussions and fighting I have come to realize a few things about my s/o. She is insecure and an impulsive liar. When I made the choice to stay with her after the cheating and lying, it was under the assumption that she got drunk at a bar with some friends and met a guy. The truth came out while she is staying with me currently (for a planned six months), that she met the guy drunk at a bar and discussed the failings of our relationship with him as friends and then a few days later cheated on me. The further deception and the lack of presentation has devastated the way I feel in our relationship. I've made it worse by trying to accept it and move on. I'm realizing I can't move on when there are so many things she continues to lie about and be hypocritical about. The main one is watching pornography. I've never had an issue with pornography and feel that it promotes a healthy sexual relationship when used as a couple or individually with moderation. She expresses that she feels devalued and that I must not be attracted to her if I am watching it. I've stopped watching it entirely for weeks now. I have come to find out the other night she has not only been watching it previous to her arrival here, but also during her time here while I am at work. I am not mad about that, I am irritated at the hypocrisy of the action.
So now, I feel as though I have made my mind up about the situation. It hurts like hell for me. I can't imagine what it will be like for her when she knows I want her to leave and return to Canada. I don't even know how to tell her that's what I want. Am I to buy the bus ticket before I tell her? Am I supposed to give her a chance to redeem herself somehow? I'm growing older and a bit more mature, but..I have absolutely no experience to draw upon this time. I would say that generally we all post our bad experiences and leave out the good and so that's why I am here. I know there is good in this relationship, but I feel like this is a very unhealthy relationship and I feel like I am just making it more complicated by not ending it now. The amount of guilt and issues that exist about her leaving are also complex. When she returns to Canada, unless her mother takes her in, she has nowhere to stay and nowhere to go, no job setup, nothing really. Should I give her financial assistance if we do break up? What is the responsible thing to do here?
Sorry for the ill-typed post. I'm using the little time I have away from her at work to type this up because if she read it she'd probably flip out and yeah..
Her, 20, female, Canada
It's been a long journey to get to where we are and I feel so hopeless right now. We met online, did the long-distance thing. It wasn't my first LDR but it was her first serious LDR. Along the way, she cheated on me. It didn't bother me so much about the cheating as I believe in physical interaction and can do without it better than most. What bothered me was the months she spent lying to me. I had to coerce her into telling me the truth pretending I had access to chat logs I really didn't. She confessed, but she confessed in a way that made it seem like it was a drunken bar accident hookup. I had my own faults in the distance. Not always being there, not being supportive in the ways she needed, I could have done better.
Fast-forward six months to my own naivety thinking that closing the distance would solve the problems we had. Although the honeymoon stage is inevitable in any relationship, I really didn't want to have one and have it come crashing back down afterwards. That's basically what happened. Through various discussions and fighting I have come to realize a few things about my s/o. She is insecure and an impulsive liar. When I made the choice to stay with her after the cheating and lying, it was under the assumption that she got drunk at a bar with some friends and met a guy. The truth came out while she is staying with me currently (for a planned six months), that she met the guy drunk at a bar and discussed the failings of our relationship with him as friends and then a few days later cheated on me. The further deception and the lack of presentation has devastated the way I feel in our relationship. I've made it worse by trying to accept it and move on. I'm realizing I can't move on when there are so many things she continues to lie about and be hypocritical about. The main one is watching pornography. I've never had an issue with pornography and feel that it promotes a healthy sexual relationship when used as a couple or individually with moderation. She expresses that she feels devalued and that I must not be attracted to her if I am watching it. I've stopped watching it entirely for weeks now. I have come to find out the other night she has not only been watching it previous to her arrival here, but also during her time here while I am at work. I am not mad about that, I am irritated at the hypocrisy of the action.
So now, I feel as though I have made my mind up about the situation. It hurts like hell for me. I can't imagine what it will be like for her when she knows I want her to leave and return to Canada. I don't even know how to tell her that's what I want. Am I to buy the bus ticket before I tell her? Am I supposed to give her a chance to redeem herself somehow? I'm growing older and a bit more mature, but..I have absolutely no experience to draw upon this time. I would say that generally we all post our bad experiences and leave out the good and so that's why I am here. I know there is good in this relationship, but I feel like this is a very unhealthy relationship and I feel like I am just making it more complicated by not ending it now. The amount of guilt and issues that exist about her leaving are also complex. When she returns to Canada, unless her mother takes her in, she has nowhere to stay and nowhere to go, no job setup, nothing really. Should I give her financial assistance if we do break up? What is the responsible thing to do here?
Sorry for the ill-typed post. I'm using the little time I have away from her at work to type this up because if she read it she'd probably flip out and yeah..
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