Will he choose the rebound or me?

[KaloKali70]

Guys, I need your help and advice please. I am in a very sticky situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and it's been long distance for a year. He moved abroad for work, but will be back in 1.5 years. We've been making it work since we communicate often and he visits five times a year. During his last visit in August, we fought and broke up over time spent with one another during those visits.

I later learned from him that he had a rebound relationship--and is actually still in this relationship--with someone he met there. He had been going through a hard time with work, battling a health issue, and the break up. Plus, he hasn't made any real friends there yet. So, he found comfort in her. He apologized for this and said he was "weak."

He is in town for two weeks now visiting family, and he wanted to meet with me. Actually, he reached back out in October, a month and half after we broke up, and we started talking daily again. I didn't know there was someone else until he told me yesterday. I was just under the impression we were taking things slowly and rebuilding. He broke the news to me on the verge of us getting intimate last night. He pulled away saying he couldn't have two women at the same time and needed to break things off with her first.

I didn't know how to feel. I was numb.

He seemed torn. On one hand, he wanted to break up with her and come back to me. On the other hand, he felt a bit sorry for what he put me through and wanted me to move on so as not to hurt me anymore. It seems easier to continue with a new and convenient relationship rather than to return to an old one with issues and long distance too.

What was he even thinking? Why keep in contact with me all these weeks? Why tell me about his trip home and want to see me? He could have just avoided me altogether to get over me. As I wait for his response, I potentially have to live with the fact that he chose someone else over me.

I don't want to be selfish, but I love him and want him back. What would you do? Would you just give in and let the other person have your love? Would you do it because you want him/her to have companionship?

I'm sad that he slept with her many times, but I do understand we were broken up. I am sad he rejected me yesterday, but find it somehow noble he wanted to get things straight with each of us. I still love him, and of course, I'd love to see our relationship move forward. But how do you rebuild after this and given the distance? What if he has some morsel of feeling for her since she was an emotional outlet during his tough times? I did ask if he loved her, and he said no, but I was reading the opposite from his hesitancy.

I feel badly that he's in this position, but I feel depressed myself that he actually has to choose between me and someone else and the likelihood of him choosing this person, whom he's only known for a few weeks, is real. Didn't think it would come to this.

I'm just waiting now. I am giving him his time and space, respecting that fact that he has to make a difficult decision. I don't know what he will decide. Will he stay with her or comeback to me? If he leaves me, we can't be just friends, and he knows that. It's like an all or nothing thing.

[R&R]

He started a relationship with someone else when you broke up - perfectly okay.
He started communicating with you again, leading you on to thinking you were building up to a relationship again while dating someone else - not okay.
The other relationship doesn't know about you - not okay.
He was physical with you while still in a relationship with her - not okay.

He lied to you, even by a lie of omission, and cheated on her. Do you really want to possibly rekindle a relationship? Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are good for you. You don't need to feel badly he's in this position - he put himself there all on his own.

[Chris516]

Guys, I need your help and advice please. I am in a very sticky situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and it's been long distance for a year. He moved abroad for work, but will be back in 1.5 years. We've been making it work since we communicate often and he visits five times a year. During his last visit in August, we fought and broke up over time spent with one another during those visits.

I later learned from him that he had a rebound relationship--and is actually still in this relationship--with someone he met there. He had been going through a hard time with work, battling a health issue, and the break up. Plus, he hasn't made any real friends there yet. So, he found comfort in her. He apologized for this and said he was "weak."

He is in town for two weeks now visiting family, and he wanted to meet with me. Actually, he reached back out in October, a month and half after we broke up, and we started talking daily again. I didn't know there was someone else until he told me yesterday. I was just under the impression we were taking things slowly and rebuilding. He broke the news to me on the verge of us getting intimate last night. He pulled away saying he couldn't have two women at the same time and needed to break things off with her first.

I didn't know how to feel. I was numb.

He seemed torn. On one hand, he wanted to break up with her and come back to me. On the other hand, he felt a bit sorry for what he put me through and wanted me to move on so as not to hurt me anymore. It seems easier to continue with a new and convenient relationship rather than to return to an old one with issues and long distance too.

What was he even thinking? Why keep in contact with me all these weeks? Why tell me about his trip home and want to see me? He could have just avoided me altogether to get over me. As I wait for his response, I potentially have to live with the fact that he chose someone else over me.

I don't want to be selfish, but I love him and want him back. What would you do? Would you just give in and let the other person have your love? Would you do it because you want him/her to have companionship?

I'm sad that he slept with her many times, but I do understand we were broken up. I am sad he rejected me yesterday, but find it somehow noble he wanted to get things straight with each of us. I still love him, and of course, I'd love to see our relationship move forward. But how do you rebuild after this and given the distance? What if he has some morsel of feeling for her since she was an emotional outlet during his tough times? I did ask if he loved her, and he said no, but I was reading the opposite from his hesitancy.

I feel badly that he's in this position, but I feel depressed myself that he actually has to choose between me and someone else and the likelihood of him choosing this person, whom he's only known for a few weeks, is real. Didn't think it would come to this.

I'm just waiting now. I am giving him his time and space, respecting that fact that he has to make a difficult decision. I don't know what he will decide. Will he stay with her or comeback to me? If he leaves me, we can't be just friends, and he knows that. It's like an all or nothing thing.

Don't talk to him. He is a scheming two-timer.

[sasad]

I do give him credit for stopping before having relations with you. That would have pushed me over my breaking point. Multiple partners without eithers knowledge is dangerous. You don't know what you could end up with. If for some reason, you do choose to stay with him, make sure he gets checked and see the proof he was tested.

Yes, you were broken up, so you can't say anything about that. That he hesitated and you don't feel he is being honest to himself about love, should give you pause. He is using "weak" as an excuse. He can't decide? You are ok waiting to see what he wants? Then you are setting yourself up for a world of hurts possibly. Why are you waiting? You take control and make the choice. Tell him thanks, but no thanks.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry that his health is bad and that he has a hard time making friends. I am not sure what dating this woman, that he still sees, has to do with any of that. It sounds like he is telling you he is dating someone who is not worthy of him, or that he does not care about, not as he did care about you anyway. All of this is good and well. But he is not free to date you. He is in a relationship, and this woman does not know about you (probably). I am pretty sure he is telling her the sad story of how, when his health got bad and he did not have any friends, his shitty ex (you) lead your relationship into a breakup.

It is not so much that fact that he is close to cheating that I worry about. It is more his ability to put the blame on others by saying he is "weak". Perhaps he feels confused, or does things he does not put all of his heart into, but that is all the more reason NOT to date him - not something you should feel sorry for.

It is not a difficult decition. Either he wants her, or he wants you, or he wants both but then you should be able to choose to stay in a plural relationship with him. He hopes you will see him as a prize if you get him, but you should date someone who sees YOU as a prize.

I date 2 men. I feel like I won the lottery twice with them and I want my men to feel like prizes. I will not even allow them to say bad things about themselves, let alone letting them wait for me to decide to date them at all!

The bottom line is this; he is into two women. You are one of them. He is downplaying her importance to him to keep you interested. You dont know if this is the exact same story he tells her, with you in her place. I dated someone who did just that, to keep the both of us still interested while he was on the fence. I am polyamorous, but I let that guy go because he was obviously using me to play her - I feel bad because he is still with her and now she has to somehow make it seem like he chose her. Be aware of people not wanting to make decitions. That can be a sign of commitmentphobia. It is immature, and the worst part is that he is acting like he is the victim of his own life. As an adult, any issues that comes up are his responsebility to deal with.

If he really has a deep problem with this, and with health/work/friends/family, he should try to find a way to deal with it, and complain to a therapist, not you. Especially when he is not asking you to be his girlfriend!

[sasad]

Again, he didn't have to say a word and could have just banged her... and he didn't. He told her about the other woman first. And how he is confused.
We don't know him, what is in his head or anything like that so for us to assume we all know is not right.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and what is acceptable to you. That's a serious talk you both need to have with each other.

[Chris516]

Again, he didn't have to say a word and could have just banged her... and he didn't. He told her about the other woman first. And how he is confused.
We don't know him, what is in his head or anything like that so for us to assume we all know is not right.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and what is acceptable to you. That's a serious talk you both need to have with each other.

No, We don't know him 100%.

I was slightly in a situation similar to him recently. A woman(not my s/o) that was on my Facebook Friends list, contacted me recently, and called me babe. I was disgusted. I immediately unfriended her. Somehow she was still able to contact me. I ignored all her messages to me. My s/o felt good, when I told her that I didn't 'entertain' anything with the other woman. I was steadfast, and committed. I have already planned going out to see her for her birthday in January.

That guy shouldn't be seeing anyone. Unless all the parties involved. Agree to an 'open' relationship.

[sasad]

No, We don't know him 100%.

I was slightly in a situation similar to him recently. A woman(not my s/o) that was on my Facebook Friends list, contacted me recently, and called me babe. I was disgusted. I immediately unfriended her. Somehow she was still able to contact me. I ignored all her messages to me. My s/o felt good, when I told her that I didn't 'entertain' anything with the other woman. I was steadfast, and committed. I have already planned going out to see her for her birthday in January.

That guy shouldn't be seeing anyone. Unless all the parties involved. Agree to an 'open' relationship.

OMG sorry, that made my day for sure. Someone called you babe and you unfriended her.. That word has become so common and not a term of endearment all the time. And I understand you really do try to sympathize, but come on.. unfriending a person so you wont "entertain" anything is so far from a person having a sexual relationship with a person or two and NOT letting the others know... You cant get diseases from entertaining someone via text or chat.. you can when its physical. That and the guy knows and has a real relationship with both women. I am calling shenanigans on you.

Oo ya I forgot, people can date whoever they want and as many as they want if they are not in a committed relationship... so if he or anyone hasn't committed to one person, then anyone can see anyone.

[Chris516]

OMG sorry, that made my day for sure. Someone called you babe and you unfriended her.. That word has become so common and not a term of endearment all the time. And I understand you really do try to sympathize, but come on.. unfriending a person so you wont "entertain" anything is so far from a person having a sexual relationship with a person or two and NOT letting the others know... You cant get diseases from entertaining someone via text or chat.. you can when its physical. That and the guy knows and has a real relationship with both women. I am calling shenanigans on you.

Oo ya I forgot, people can date whoever they want and as many as they want if they are not in a committed relationship... so if he or anyone hasn't committed to one person, then anyone can see anyone.

A woman doesn't want a man she barely knows, calling her 'babe'. So, Why should it be acceptable to refer to a man that way, when the man barely knows the woman. I won't even refer to my s/o that way. Even though she is sexy.

[hmrambling]

OP, the ball does not have to be in his court. It is up to you to decide if you want to continue a relationship with someone who goes on and off the grid like he has. There are fellas out there who do not go on and off the grid like that, and who will communicate regularly.

[Chris516]

OP, the ball does not have to be in his court. It is up to you to decide if you want to continue a relationship with someone who goes on and off the grid like he has. There are fellas out there who do not go on and off the grid like that, and who will communicate regularly.

Well said.