He's not ready for marriage.

[c_denise3]

I'm going to try to keep this as to the point as possible. I went to visit my boyfriend in Connecticut this weekend. Saturday, on our trip back from Boston, we got on the topic of our future. I asked him why he felt it was best to wait until he deployed and returned for us to get married. His response was, "because I'm not ready." This surprised me, so I asked, "emotionally, are you not ready or what?" To which he responded, "I know you are the one, and I want to marry you. I am just not in the right place financially, which makes me feel inadequate as a man, and not ready to be a husband just yet." Long story short, his finances are not the greatest. Life happened, his career with the military was adjusted, and a lot of his plans for us had to change.

He explained that he wants to get himself established with his career in the Navy, and be better off financially before taking me on fully. He said he doesn't want any added stress from poor finances or even his job to hurt us, when the first year of marriage is already as fragile as it is. He blatantly said that he feels like "a piece of shit," because he isn't able to do what he wants as far as our relationship, and just his life in general. He is aware of what he needs to work on. One of those things being going out and spending money he doesn't have. My family thinks he's fooling me around and that I'm wasting my time. I don't feel the same. It's been brought to his attention, and it's something he's fixing. He has given me a timeline of when his finances will be better, and he will have less debt. He said February will be a brand new start for him financially and he can begin to work on settling his life with me.

The main thing is is that he wants to establish himself better financially, as well as being more of a man. He doesn't feel good about himself right now because of everything he's had to deal with. When my family tells me that I'm wasting my time, or that he's just fooling me around, I get upset because I know he's trying. Yes, do I get upset with some of the things he's done in the past, absolutely, but myself and a few of his friends have brought his faults to his attention, and he's working on bettering himself for not only himself, but for me. I honestly feel as though it would be so shitty of me to abandon him when I know he's working on himself and I'm just being impatient. It just feels like my family is trying to convince me to leave him, and that's not what I want to do, nor am I going to do.

It frustrates me because he's doing what he has to do to be the best version of himself for me. He wants to be a better man for me, be financially stable, and emotionally well, yet my family is still somewhat pressuring me to just walk away. You would think they would be appreciative of a man who wants to be the best he can be for their daughter before taking her hand in marriage. I respect his decisions, and I understand he needs to be better off financially, as well was feeling better about himself before pursuing marriage with me. I just wish my family could see it that way too instead of looking down on him because he isn't ready yet.

Any input, similar situations, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Harlequin]

He'll get a dependent allowance (as in, he'll get a bit of a raise since you're gonna be his "dependent") once you're married, and he'll get a housing allowance if you guys live off base, so finances wouldn't necessarily be as bad as he thinks they'll be. Do you guys need to save up? Absolutely. Does he need to stop spending money he doesn't have? Hell yeah. It just doesn't have to be as bad as he thinks it's going to be. He just needs to look into the resources that are available. He's very much capable of talking to his/any sergeant about it, or literally anyone on base who's married. They can tell him what he needs to know, and they can point him in the right direction.

I think the military is also generally pretty good when it comes to finding jobs and stuff for military spouses. If not, there are always jobs you can do from home to help bring in extra money so you're not relying solely on his income. Talk to him about what sort of options you guys have available to you now. You're not gonna get the same treatment you would if he was like, an admiral, but there are ways to make sure you stay afloat.

I understand where your family is coming from, but if he's serious about getting himself into better shape, then that's what matters. Just keep on loving and supporting him; that's the best you can do.

[c_denise3]

He is fully aware of what all is available to him if we were to get married but he doesn't want money to be the reason we marry. He is going submarines, so he put a lot of emphasis on staying focused on his career and being the "best sailor he can be" and he doesn't want to bring the stress of getting qualified into our marriage. He says he doesn't need the added stress because when we get married, my decisions will become partially his too, and he's already got enough decisions to make in regards to his own career.

When it comes to finances, he wants us to have the wedding we are dreaming of. Nothing huge and fancy, just not a courthouse ceremony. He also doesn't want money to be the reason we "rush" a marriage. I don't want those things either, but we have been together almost 2 years, have been doing distance the entire time, and he's now military. We were together prior to the Navy, but the military has definitely added extra challenges.

As far as my career, I'm a clinical mental health therapist. I am set financially as well as having a job wherever I go. I'm not stressing financially like he is, and I feel as though that is another reason why he's "not ready" because he doesn't want the entire financial burden to be placed on me. I respect that he is working on himself, and I wholeheartedly support him. I am settled in my career, I know he needs to get his established as well so we can be financially great together.

Sometimes his approach is terrible. Like in the beginning of the conversation he referred to marriage as a burden that he didn't need right now. It was hurtful, but as the conversation progressed, he realized it was a poor choice of words.

[sasad]

Itsgood that he's thinking about finances in the future. Even joining the military, there's no guarantee that it's for life etc.
I am not inside of his head so I don't understand his reasoning but I would not push him to change his mind at this point. Let him grow up and let him learn how to take care of himself before he is responsible for you

[Chris516]

I'm going to try to keep this as to the point as possible. I went to visit my boyfriend in Connecticut this weekend. Saturday, on our trip back from Boston, we got on the topic of our future. I asked him why he felt it was best to wait until he deployed and returned for us to get married. His response was, "because I'm not ready." This surprised me, so I asked, "emotionally, are you not ready or what?" To which he responded, "I know you are the one, and I want to marry you. I am just not in the right place financially, which makes me feel inadequate as a man, and not ready to be a husband just yet." Long story short, his finances are not the greatest. Life happened, his career with the military was adjusted, and a lot of his plans for us had to change.

He explained that he wants to get himself established with his career in the Navy, and be better off financially before taking me on fully. He said he doesn't want any added stress from poor finances or even his job to hurt us, when the first year of marriage is already as fragile as it is. He blatantly said that he feels like "a piece of shit," because he isn't able to do what he wants as far as our relationship, and just his life in general. He is aware of what he needs to work on. One of those things being going out and spending money he doesn't have. My family thinks he's fooling me around and that I'm wasting my time. I don't feel the same. It's been brought to his attention, and it's something he's fixing. He has given me a timeline of when his finances will be better, and he will have less debt. He said February will be a brand new start for him financially and he can begin to work on settling his life with me.

The main thing is is that he wants to establish himself better financially, as well as being more of a man. He doesn't feel good about himself right now because of everything he's had to deal with. When my family tells me that I'm wasting my time, or that he's just fooling me around, I get upset because I know he's trying. Yes, do I get upset with some of the things he's done in the past, absolutely, but myself and a few of his friends have brought his faults to his attention, and he's working on bettering himself for not only himself, but for me. I honestly feel as though it would be so shitty of me to abandon him when I know he's working on himself and I'm just being impatient. It just feels like my family is trying to convince me to leave him, and that's not what I want to do, nor am I going to do.

It frustrates me because he's doing what he has to do to be the best version of himself for me. He wants to be a better man for me, be financially stable, and emotionally well, yet my family is still somewhat pressuring me to just walk away. You would think they would be appreciative of a man who wants to be the best he can be for their daughter before taking her hand in marriage. I respect his decisions, and I understand he needs to be better off financially, as well was feeling better about himself before pursuing marriage with me. I just wish my family could see it that way too instead of looking down on him because he isn't ready yet.

Any input, similar situations, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your family's reaction to him, is not uncommon. The (prospective)son-in-law is looked at with an air of suspicion.

When my (ex)wife were on our honeymoon. She told me that her father asked her if she really wanted to get married to me. Her family never really liked me. That indirectly came back to bite them. When they had to ask my family for advice, about their daughter.

On his 'financial' reasons. As others have pointed out, about finances in the U.S. Navy. Is he an NCO, or CO? I do wonder what he spends his money on. Like he is living beyond his means.

[80anthea]

You're only 25, I'm guessing he's a similar age and you've been together less than 2-years. Maybe he just isn't ready. I think there's a great deal of pressure on some people to get married quickly and there's this stupid impression given by some people that it isn't a serious relationship unless you're married or at least engaged. He's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he just doesn't feel ready to get married yet. Life expectancy is around 80 years in the Western world, so you have a long time to be together, in the grand scheme of things does it matter if you get married this year, next year or in 5-years? Give him some time, trust him on wanting to spend the rest of your lives together and enjoy the early years of your relationship without pressure.

[sasad]

Your family's reaction to him, is not uncommon. The (prospective)son-in-law is looked at with an air of suspicion.

When my (ex)wife were on our honeymoon. She told me that her father asked her if she really wanted to get married to me. Her family never really liked me. That indirectly came back to bite them. When they had to ask my family for advice, about their daughter.

On his 'financial' reasons. As others have pointed out, about finances in the U.S. Navy. Is he an NCO, or CO? I do wonder what he spends his money on. Like he is living beyond his means.

Not really. My spouse , as well as my sisters, was welcomed with open arms. My dad asked me that question, but only to make sure I was happy.
It's only suspicion if parents think there is something bad going on, but we trust our kids to make the right choice for them.

[lyonsgirl]

We graduated college in 2011, and new by graduation that we were going to get married. We also knew, though, that we weren't ready for marriage at that point. We had only been dating for about 6 months when I moved away for my first job out of college. When I brought the topic of marriage up before I left again (he moved to live with me, then I moved away again, for my job), he told me he wanted to get a job and essentially feel like a productive member of society. And to be able to afford the ring that he wanted to get for me. (We had looked a couple of times, very very briefly).

Long story short, my now-husband wanted to feel more financially secure, despite the fact that both of us have known that I would be the "bread-winner" of our little family (at least for a while). He wanted to be able to live on his own if he needed to, to be able to support himself and be a "real" adult. Because at that point, "what if?"

Anyway, my point here is that I wouldn't worry about it too much. If it's after he gets back or longer than he says he wants to wait and he still says he's "not ready", then I would have a sit-down serious talk with him.

[differentcountries]

It is absolutely a valid reason that he wants to able to save up before marriage. Especially if your parents are not willing or able to pay for any wedding costs and costs for a ring, honeymoon and some comforts during the first year of marriage. You may thing you dont expect any of these things, but finances are usually a strain unless you are naturally stingy/dont expect any sort of extra things to happen. If you move to him, you become long distance with you family and friends, too, and as a couple you have to be able to sustain the costs of visits and so on. At 25, most people have not yet saved up. Saying straight he wants to become better with finances shows he has insight into his flaws, which is something to appreciate (it he does something about it at least).

Your family wants you to marry right away, are they paying for the wedding, then?

[c_denise3]

He isn't NCO or CO, he's just basic Seaman right now in A-school working on his rate. He was married once before. Got married young, got himself in some unnecessary debts, and he's working towards paying those off. He and I had the debt talk this weekend, and I asked how much he owed. He only owes about $3,000, maybe pushing $4,000, and he only makes around $1800 a month. He's also had some unexpected life expenses, such as his replacing his windshield and fixing things on his Jeep. Student loans too.

It's not like he's going out here and trying to live a lavish lifestyle. He will just go out with his buddies when he knows he can't really afford to spare a few bucks here and there. Once his bills are paid for the month, he really has no wiggle room, but somehow finds a way. He has too much pride to say, "no man, I'm trying to save," or "no man, I can't afford it this weekend." My boyfriend is a people pleaser, and he has recently become aware that that is something he really needs to fix. Like, I understand fully that he needs to have a social life, but he is always talking about wanting a life with me, yet he can't afford to make it happen right now. I get frustrated when I see that he's out with the boys, because that money that he's spending (what little he's spending) can be put back and saved.

[c_denise3]

My family is just frustrated because a lot of the expense is on me right now for our visits. They feel as though he's using me, and making excuses. They don't understand his career, nor do they really care about the fact that he's been married before and has debts from that marriage. I can see their concerns, but I also know the man I love. I am the one making the most money in our relationship right now, so I am comfortable and have plenty of wiggle room. He doesn't. So yeah, I am the one sacrificing more to make our relationship work until he gets back on his feet and in a better place mentally, and financially. He feels guilty, he admitted that, because he feels inadequate as a man because he's not able to "spoil" me right now. I am a very understanding individual, and I just reassure him that it's okay.

[c_denise3]

It is absolutely a valid reason that he wants to able to save up before marriage. Especially if your parents are not willing or able to pay for any wedding costs and costs for a ring, honeymoon and some comforts during the first year of marriage. You may thing you dont expect any of these things, but finances are usually a strain unless you are naturally stingy/dont expect any sort of extra things to happen. If you move to him, you become long distance with you family and friends, too, and as a couple you have to be able to sustain the costs of visits and so on. At 25, most people have not yet saved up. Saying straight he wants to become better with finances shows he has insight into his flaws, which is something to appreciate (it he does something about it at least).

Your family wants you to marry right away, are they paying for the wedding, then?

Believe me, I completely agree with him becoming better financially, as well as mentally. My family just gets frustrated because he is constantly saying, "I just want you here," yet in their eyes, he's not doing anything to make that happen. My mom also gets upset because I'm usually the one forking out most of the expense to make our visits happen, because he can't. I have financial stability, I'm comfortable, and I have the means to be able to be the "breadwinner" right now. It's not like he's being lazy and not working towards getting in a better place financially. That's something I wish my family would understand. He's trying, he really is, but there's only so much he can do with what little he makes. The military does not make as much money as people think.

[C.C.]

It's not like he's going out here and trying to live a lavish lifestyle. He will just go out with his buddies when he knows he can't really afford to spare a few bucks here and there. Once his bills are paid for the month, he really has no wiggle room, but somehow finds a way. He has too much pride to say, "no man, I'm trying to save," or "no man, I can't afford it this weekend." My boyfriend is a people pleaser, and he has recently become aware that that is something he really needs to fix. Like, I understand fully that he needs to have a social life, but he is always talking about wanting a life with me, yet he can't afford to make it happen right now. I get frustrated when I see that he's out with the boys, because that money that he's spending (what little he's spending) can be put back and saved.

One thing to consider, though. No money or one person can fill the void left by lack of social activity. As much as financial stability is crucial, so is the social one. Don't ever feel like that him wanting to be with you and you being his SO means that he is supposed to cut down his social activity. It's about balance. And you can't influence it since you'll always be subjective about it.

As for the family, I think there's some generation difference that comes into play as well. When I used to meet up with my cdr ex, my mother would ask every time whether he was the one who initiated the meetup and she often tells me that the man I choose should be able to support me financially and emotionally and should be dependable. While I agree to some extent and while I see the worrying factor playing a role as well, I don't think you should let it to your heart as you do.
Don't forget, advices are useful and should never be ignored, BUT you and your SO are the only ones who know your relationship and its dynamics. Don't let others' directly affect it or bring you down about it.

[c_denise3]

One thing to consider, though. No money or one person can fill the void left by lack of social activity. As much as financial stability is crucial, so is the social one. Don't ever feel like that him wanting to be with you and you being his SO means that he is supposed to cut down his social activity. It's about balance. And you can't influence it since you'll always be subjective about it.

As for the family, I think there's some generation difference that comes into play as well. When I used to meet up with my cdr ex, my mother would ask every time whether he was the one who initiated the meetup and she often tells me that the man I choose should be able to support me financially and emotionally and should be dependable. While I agree to some extent and while I see the worrying factor playing a role as well, I don't think you should let it to your heart as you do.
Don't forget, advices are useful and should never be ignored, BUT you and your SO are the only ones who know your relationship and its dynamics. Don't let others' directly affect it or bring you down about it.

Oh no, I think you may have me mistaken. I don't care that he has a social life, because I know he needs it. He and I are not solely each other's happiness. What I do care about is the fact that he complains about not having money, yet he goes out with his buddies almost every weekend he doesn't have duty or I'm not visiting. I'm happy he has friends, because I have my own life as well, but I'm a lot more financially stable than he is. We both have people outside of each other, because it's only healthy to do so. When I do go up to see him, he will treat me during my visit, and sometimes I'm the one flipping out the bill. We compromise, and make it work.

As far as my family, it does feel like they are trying to push an idea or thought into my head. I know my boyfriend, I know he's working hard to better himself, and be the best future husband he can be for me.