Was it too drastic to cut him off completely?

[zaily]

I posted about my experience with a guy I met on-line a while back here. He and I had a long distance relationship (we never met). He and I have common interests and that made interacting with him interesting, we both had a good time talking to each other. At some point he started telling me to move to his city to work there and I found it crazy to do that when he and I had not even met in person. He insisted on this very often and I always told him I couldn't do that, it seemed very scary and risky for me to do that. I think that if two people met on-line they shouldn't consider moving in together until they have met in person. I wanted to do things the right way in order to make sure it was going to work, I prefer to not do it at all that to do something crazy that I regretted later and that might have ruined my life.

Besides his constant insistence on me moving to his city, there were other things that made me feel unease:

* He has to visit his daughter at his ex girlfriend's house because the woman won't let him have the kid unless he goes to her house (I talked about this in detail in my previous post time ago).

* During the time we interacted (about one year and a half) he changed his mind about me at least once a month, when he was stressed for any reason and I happened to say something that he didn't like, even if it was something that didn't seem like a big deal he used to tell me that we should be just friends. Things felt very unstable with him because I never knew when he was going to want things to change between us. After he told me to be just friends he changed his mind the next day and said he wanted to be with me and wanted to spend his life with me.

*We talked on the phone once or twice a week, sometimes more, but we seldom skyped. During all the time we interacted (one and a half year ) we skyped about 4 or 5 times.

* He never did what he said he would do, he is like that in everything, not on-line in his interactions with me but in his life in general. He says he will do X thing and he seldom follows through.

* He used to try to find new people on-line, he added different women to Facebook all the time and talked to them often. He always said he added these people to learn something from them because we can learn something from everyone.

*He said it was very difficult for him to handle couple problems and told me to move in with him and be friends only, he said too that he didn't need to have sex, so we could live together as just room mates.

*A lot of times he kept chatting to his friends on whatsapp while he and I were on the phone and he didn't even listen to what I was saying, I had to say things more than once to have him at least hear what I said. I could hear the notifications of the messages he was getting on whatsapp while we were on a call. If we chatted on Facebook he took very long to reply because he was very focused on his conversations with his friends.

*He always said he cared about me deeply, but in my eyes his actions didn't match his words.

In the first half of October something happened and he told me again to be just friends and he said "would you come to live with me if we are just friends?". I told him that I wouldn't move in with him for any reason because while we had a connection, we had never gotten the chance to experience it in person and that I couldn't do that. I told him too that I didn't want to have a room mate, even less have to uproot my life in order to live with someone that was offering me to be friends. His offer that time felt really offensive and bad to me.

After that he tried to reignite the relationship as usual. I didn't allow it because I knew that if I got into that again he would be insisting on his crazy offer. Even when we didn't start the relationship again he then told me again to move in to his city, to live alone and work there and that he would help me in any way he could, he told me "see, I am not telling you to live with me, I am just saying it would be good for you to get a job here". I thought we could be friends, he said that is what he wanted too but he kept being affectionate and trying to restart things, I told him he didn't have to do that, told him several times that he didn't have to do those things. He was affectionate with me and tried to get me into sex talk. About one week ago I noticed him different and he told me that now he was going to really be just a friend for me and added that he started a romance with one of his on-line friends (a married woman with whom he had been talking for more than one year on and off), he always said they were just friends and that he wasn't interested on having anything romantic with her. Now that he has a romance with her he was going to finally listen to me and be only my friend, without trying anything else. If felt very bad because I told him many times to stop those things, but I realize that it is my fault because I stayed there. Given the way things had gone with him I thought that would add even more instability to the mix and that there really was no point on keep being friends with someone that seems to be so clueless about so many things. I was always there for him in different ways and he appreciated that I helped him (he said that a number of times), he didn't want to lose that, but I didn't feel it was healthy for me to keep in touch with him. For weeks he tried to string me along and decided to stop once he had something with someone else, it felt insulting and silly.

I have known for a long time that the relationship had no future and every time he told me to move in with him it made me feel anxious. Despite this I feel bad about all the events, I feel embarrassed for staying there and feel miserable about it in general. I feel relieved that it is over too. He tried to contact me a few days ago and wanted to have an explanation, I didn't allow him to say anything else and sent him an email letting him know that I don't want to be in touch with him anymore. I told him so because I feel I need to detox from him and from that relationship and need to put that behind for my well being.

Your thoughts about this are appreciated, right now I am trying to learn from this and move on and that would help me.

[Chris516]

I didn't have to read much. While I understand his wanting you to move there. So he can still see his daughter. To be insisting that. Even before you met in person. Is stupid from the outset.

That guy sounds 'odd'. He seems like a predator.

[R&R]

Self-care is so important, yet I think many of us are conditioned to worry about others above ourselves. You are 100% doing the right thing in cutting things off completely. You recognized this was a toxic relationship and you are taking the proper steps to start to heal yourself. I would completely block him so that he doesn't have the opportunity to continue to contact you. Take care of yourself and heal from the negative experience.

[sasad]

Agreed with R&R... step away from a toxic relationship. And yes, it's possible he has to see his child at a more nuetral plCe.
Either way, I wouldn't put a name or label on how we perceive his actions, but know that his behavior is unacceptable to you. You are not comfortable, and he is not changing his ways etc. you are doing the right thing with cutting contact.

[zaily]

I undetstand that he couldn't move because of his kid. That wasn't the part that made me feel bad/anxious. What I found bad was the fact that he wanted me to do that without having seen each other in person, not even once. He asked me often to do that and I think it was very selfish of him to do so.

[sasad]

I undetstand that he couldn't move because of his kid. That wasn't the part that made me feel bad/anxious. What I found bad was the fact that he wanted me to do that without having seen each other in person, not even once. He asked me often to do that and I think it was very selfish of him to do so.

Yes it was, and yes he continued to be that way.

[maybesomeday]

I think you've handled this situation well and done what's best for you. You noticed all the signs, you knew there was no future with him, and that he was probably toxic to your life and your growth. You shouldn't feel bad for staying as long as you did; sometimes we stay in a situation because we hope it'll get better even though deep down we know it won't. Cutting contact entirely was a step in the right direction. Even as a friend I don't think he would have been someone healthy to your life. You've probably learnt more from this experience than you realise.

[Chris516]

I undetstand that he couldn't move because of his kid. That wasn't the part that made me feel bad/anxious. What I found bad was the fact that he wanted me to do that without having seen each other in person, not even once. He asked me often to do that and I think it was very selfish of him to do so.

Even though others disagree with me. I 'labeled' him a 'predator', for the same reason That he made you feel anxious.

It is one thing to be in love with a woman. But a man should never pester a woman to go CD, without having met first.

A relative of mine wants' my s/o to come out to where I live, just for a visit. While that would be nice, I adamantly refuse to make my s/o do that. She does seem like that she doesn't travel much. So what, I like to travel out to see her. I have traveled to(and born in) Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Africa, and the Caribbean.

The point being is that. Just as he repeatedly wanted you to move there w/o having met in person. My s/o n' I have met in person. But I will never demand, that she visit/move out here.

He was over the top with his insistence.

[zaily]

I am not sure he was in love with me, he wanted me to move in with him and be friends. He told me several times that being with me would be convenient. It wasn't because of money, I am not rich, what he liked was that I was always there for him in the rough times and he said he could learn things from and with me. He said we coukd live together as friends and we didn't have to have sex and that if I happened to met someone I liked he would have no problem with me dating someone else. On one side he said that, but on the other he made a terrible jealousy scene a few months ago because he kept thinking I would meet someone I liked more than I liked him. The experience with him was really odd and disconcerting.

Maybesomeday: you are right, I learned tremendously from this experience.