Ultimatums - sometimes necesssary or emotional abuse?

[Chris516]

Emotional abuse is never OK. I guess the original question was are all ultimatums bad and is it always emotional abuse. I think your example people saying things were meant and taken differently.

It depends on the ultimatum. If its' born of manipulation. Then it is emotional abuse. But if it is born of safety. It is not emotional abuse.

In the original message I was thinking is it fair to say that I need the distance to be closed by the date x or I can't continue the relationship. That was an ultimatum but also the truth. So I was thinking if this is ever fair. Well I decided against it and here we are. I didn't want to start a new thread about my relationship so even though this topic in my case has gone maybe someone has similar problems.

That is not emotional abuse. You were stating a kind of boundary.

A update. I asked if I could come and visit during easter. He agreed. He said his contract has been renewed for another few weeks so he has money to do stuff. I obviously pointed out that I will be paying my share and we don't have to do anything expensive. Since earlier this year he pointed out he feels like I expect him to pay, I will definitely make sure I will pay my own.

I am glad you clarified that with him.

Anyways in his good night message he said he was really looking forward to this and how amazing it is that we will be together for our 5th anniversary. (This is the first holiday type thing we are together. Not that we are too into the whole concept of these types of holidays) and hearths and kisses faces. I can't do that in this situation. I can't just push everything aside and be heart and kissy emojis.

Yes, You need time together, physically.

The problem (another one) is that whenever we talk about the important stuff we go back to being us. We never solve anything with the talk but the mood lightens and the tension breaks so that we go back to normal. Then time passes and I have time to think, reflect and I go back to my own 'single life' where I do my own thing. Then I get reminded I have a partner but I don't get to share things with my partner and then I pull back and then gradually we stop being us and then we have an other talk and the circle continues. Then we meet up and have a great time and he thinks everything is fine and I pull back and we are back to the circle.

Do you know why you keep repeating the cycle?

I have been thinking of possible solutions. If I tried to apply to do a masters in his country. I'm sure I could manage there without help and I would have my school. I would get a degree and get to live in a major European city. I'm from a huge city in my country but compared to the rest of the world this us a tiny little village. Also then I wouldn't have to worry about if he wants to be here. I could get my own flat and he could live in his hotel or wherever he wants to. It's just that I'm not sure I can do the circle for another 6 months before the school starts. I know, what's another 6 months after 5 years. It's just that I'm so tired all the time and I burst out crying at any moment. And feeling pure emotions is becoming difficult. I manage perfectly fine but I don't feel myself at all and my mind is on about the relationship all the time.

How is it constantly on your mind?

I'm not a believer in breaks. But I was thinking if I would suggest stopping for now to relieve the stress and if I get in to the school then kind of start over fresh? But this feels dumb too. Or just work really hard to make it work for 6 months and then see what Happens? Or calling it off and then go to school and see what Happens?

Neither am I. The stress is the emotional cycle. Instead of taking a break from the relationship. Work on stopping the cycle.