Dealing with temptation when lonely?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Don't. Don't bother resisting temptation. Go ahead and talk to any guy who buys you a drink because you already have a perfectly good excuse to do so. Your perfectly good excuse is that your boyfriend doesn't contact you as much as you would like and because he hasn't bought the ticket to come see you.

Also remember while you're flirting with the guy at the bar that you are behaving as you would want your boyfriend to behave.

You want your boyfriend to buy drinks for girls at bars, right? Good. Go ahead and keep accepting the drinks from guys.

You want your boyfriend to be flirting with girls in bars, right? Good. Go ahead and keep flirting with guys in bars.

You've already set yourself up for the victim role by justifying getting attention from the guy in the bar. Your justification, "my boyfriend doesn't give me attention, therefore it is okay to get attention from the guy in the bar."

Also, since the two of you already discussed ground rules and deal breakers, I'm sure that you two discussed how it's okay for you to go to bars, accept drinks from guys, and flirt with guys.

Stop bellyaching and being a victim. When your boyfriend goes out, buys other women drinks, and flirts with them, make sure that you're okay with that.

For the record I never accepted the guys offer to buy a me a drink, nor would I want my bf to buy other women drinks. Also I never went out to the bar looking for guys to talk to, I went out w/friends, the guy started talking to me and I enjoy talking w/people. Seems as though you are accusing me of purposely walking into a bar w/the sole intent of getting hit on by random guys.

[hmrambling]

Hopefully you have had an honest talk with your partner about this. Your OP does read like you feel justified to get attention from strangers at bars, as you assure us that it will certainly happen again. You also make a correlation that you like the attention because you don't get it from your SO. Be sure to tell your SO that as well.

I didn't accuse you of anything. However, I am suggesting that you be okay with your SO behaving the same as you. If you are offended by the suggestion, perhaps you are not okay with your SO behaving as you did.

Your name here is newtolongdistance, but I wonder if you are not new to relationships as well.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hopefully you have had an honest talk with your partner about this. Your OP does read like you feel justified to get attention from strangers at bars, as you assure us that it will certainly happen again. You also make a correlation that you like the attention because you don't get it from your SO. Be sure to tell your SO that as well.

I didn't accuse you of anything. However, I am suggesting that you be okay with your SO behaving the same as you. If you are offended by the suggestion, perhaps you are not okay with your SO behaving as you did.

Your name here is newtolongdistance, but I wonder if you are not new to relationships as well.

I guess I am pretty new to relationships, as I have previously only had 1 serious relationship that was CD. Maybe his age has something to do w/it? He is younger then me and actually told me I am his 1st adult relationship. I guess you can call my anxiety a gut feeling, which for me is rarely ever wrong. I started dating another guy LD, we spent a month together before he moved home. I couldn't explain the feeling that something was really off and he reassured me that everything was ok. Come to find out, he wasn't ready and ended up ghosting me for over 3 months.

[Harlequin]

...I feel like people are starting to put words in her mouth. From my understanding of the initial post, OP is lonely in her relationship and feels bad about enjoying the attention from the random guy. Am I correct? I feel like "temptation" might be the wrong word to use, especially if you've never shown an inclination towards being tempted into anything. So, OP, what are you afraid of being tempted into? Flirting? You're never going to be able to avoid being flirted with even when you're CD. It happens. If you find yourself in a situation where it's more social instead of like...the cashier at Walmart was trying to hit on you, my favorite approach is to be as neutral or boring as possible, or bring up my s/o casually.

Don't be afraid to really pour your heart out to your s/o. He needs to know just how badly his communication issues are hurting you, and then hopefully you two can move forward in a way that makes you feel more important to him. There's also no shame in walking away from a relationship in which you aren't feeling appreciated. If you have no intentions of falling to temptation (as in, cheating), then don't sabotage yourself worrying about it.

I know I can be a very flirty person, and that has gotten me into very awkward situations in the past, because I don't realize I'm coming across as flirty. I'm just trying to be friendly. My s/o knows this, and he's cool with it because he knows I'm not actually flirting with these people. The only times I'm ever consciously flirty with someone is when I'm trying to get better customer service (usually involving some sort of technological issue), or when I need to close a sale and I know the customer thinks I'm attractive. Again, my s/o knows this, and again, he doesn't care.

I think you really need to sit down and talk with your s/o about how you're feeling, find out how he's feeling, and see if you guys can reach a middle ground.

[sasad]

Now, It is almost sounding like you are justifying, giving in to flirting and temptation. For his sake, tell him to find someone that can be more committed.
It also sounds like you want an 'open' relationship. Instead of remaining fully committed in your heart. If you don't stray, then temptation shouldn't be an issue.

How did I give into temptation? I only talked to him, I didn't end up bringing home or exchanging phone numbers/social media info, I also did let him buy me a drink cause I knew that wouldn't be fair to my bf. My job requires a lot of people contact, so I'm always friendly w/everyone. Unless the guy is being creepy or lewd, I'm not going to outright ignore him. Why do you automatically assume I'm going to "stray"?

Again, why are you assuming what she is doing and wants an open relationship etc? Its OK to flirt, in fact counselors recommend it AFTER you have set boundaries. Flirting doesn't mean you are going to stray or go boink another person.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

...I feel like people are starting to put words in her mouth. From my understanding of the initial post, OP is lonely in her relationship and feels bad about enjoying the attention from the random guy. Am I correct? I feel like "temptation" might be the wrong word to use, especially if you've never shown an inclination towards being tempted into anything. So, OP, what are you afraid of being tempted into? Flirting? You're never going to be able to avoid being flirted with even when you're CD. It happens. If you find yourself in a situation where it's more social instead of like...the cashier at Walmart was trying to hit on you, my favorite approach is to be as neutral or boring as possible, or bring up my s/o casually.

Don't be afraid to really pour your heart out to your s/o. He needs to know just how badly his communication issues are hurting you, and then hopefully you two can move forward in a way that makes you feel more important to him. There's also no shame in walking away from a relationship in which you aren't feeling appreciated. If you have no intentions of falling to temptation (as in, cheating), then don't sabotage yourself worrying about it.

I know I can be a very flirty person, and that has gotten me into very awkward situations in the past, because I don't realize I'm coming across as flirty. I'm just trying to be friendly. My s/o knows this, and he's cool with it because he knows I'm not actually flirting with these people. The only times I'm ever consciously flirty with someone is when I'm trying to get better customer service (usually involving some sort of technological issue), or when I need to close a sale and I know the customer thinks I'm attractive. Again, my s/o knows this, and again, he doesn't care.

I think you really need to sit down and talk with your s/o about how you're feeling, find out how he's feeling, and see if you guys can reach a middle ground.

Thank you for clarifying, now that I think about it, temptation isn't the right word to use. I guess when I get attention from random guys, I start to question if my bf is right partner for me. I have been in a one sided relationship and I would rather be single then be in one again. It definitely comes down to me holding onto someone I love, but I'm not being fulfilled, while out there is another guy whom I will love and who cherish me as much I cherish him.

I wouldn't even know how to approach my bf about this, I want him to do it from his heart, not from being forced into it. I fought hard for my 1st relationship, but I got sick and tired of telling my ex how he should treat me (he never tried anyways). My SO has told me he is a lucky guy and he wants me in his life. From some of his actions this doesn't seem to be the case at all. If I appreciated someone and wanted them in my life, I would never want them to feel like they are neglected or that there maybe someone better for them elsewhere. I know the only way people learn is if they lose something, I really don't want to leave him, but this lack of attention is eating away at me, I feel like I may eventually lose interest, which I know will hurt him, but hey he needs to try a lot harder to make me feel appreciated. I know everyone is different, but when I read on here what partners do for each other, I'm like I wish my guy would do that for me.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

We all have different rules on what is ok.

For me dancing, talking, flirting is ok. It's also ok if my SO does it with other girls. For some even saying "excuse me" to the opposite sex when you step on their toes is cheating/very much not ok (sorry, lame attempt at humour). There is a difference if you are doing it out of revenge because your SO doesn't give you attention or is it because ou are naturally just flirty. There is also a differnce between looking for the attention constntly or only if you have a bad day. Also the rules have to be the same on both sides. I think you just need more from your SO than he is giving to you. You need to tell him how you feel and listen to his answer and then decide if that is the type of relationship you want. I think this whole flirting thing is just secondary.

I certainly didn't do it on purpose, when I walked into the bar, I sat on my own and the guy started talking to me. I was extremely nervous and prob not as friendly as I usually am. That day it definitely bogged me down that my bf hadn't texted me all day, though I did have a total blast w/friends at the bar. He even apologized for being distant through texting and said he was busy getting ready for my arrival.

[R&R]

Thank you for clarifying, now that I think about it, temptation isn't the right word to use. I guess when I get attention from random guys, I start to question if my bf is right partner for me. I have been in a one sided relationship and I would rather be single then be in one again. It definitely comes down to me holding onto someone I love, but I'm not being fulfilled, while out there is another guy whom I will love and who cherish me as much I cherish him.

I wouldn't even know how to approach my bf about this, I want him to do it from his heart, not from being forced into it. I fought hard for my 1st relationship, but I got sick and tired of telling my ex how he should treat me (he never tried anyways). My SO has told me he is a lucky guy and he wants me in his life. From some of his actions this doesn't seem to be the case at all. If I appreciated someone and wanted them in my life, I would never want them to feel like they are neglected or that there maybe someone better for them elsewhere. I know the only way people learn is if they lose something, I really don't want to leave him, but this lack of attention is eating away at me, I feel like I may eventually lose interest, which I know will hurt him, but hey he needs to try a lot harder to make me feel appreciated. I know everyone is different, but when I read on here what partners do for each other, I'm like I wish my guy would do that for me.

Look at what has been bolded. Every single one of those is an "I" sentence: I got, I want, I would, I wish. A relationship isn't about "I", it's about "we". That means you it's not all about you and it's not all about him. Yes, you work together but there also has to be realistic expectations.

When you get into a relationship, you love the person for who they are. If you start to try to change them, then they aren't the person you fell in love with. Again, just because you would do something for someone doesn't mean that's how they will act towards you. Your SO is his own person and you are your own person. You have your own minds and will each act towards the other person in the way that you feel is best. Just because he isn't doing things your way doesn't mean he is wrong. You will never find someone who is the perfect partner and does everything how you want it. If that's what you want, you are going to be very unhappy for a very long time.

Something to think about: Just because someone doesn't love you how you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

[Chris516]

How did I give into temptation? I only talked to him, I didn't end up bringing home or exchanging phone numbers/social media info, I also did let him buy me a drink cause I knew that wouldn't be fair to my bf. My job requires a lot of people contact, so I'm always friendly w/everyone. Unless the guy is being creepy or lewd, I'm not going to outright ignore him. Why do you automatically assume I'm going to "stray"?

Because you started the topic.

Your job requiring people contact, is not a problem. Just like a bar tender, waiter/waitress, or a gym trainer. Who are all around 'attractive' people all day.

But, If you are that worried about temptation, outside of work, don't risk it.

[snow]

I think hmrambling has a point.
If the shoe was on the other foot, would you be okay with what happened OP? Would you feel it's okay that he flirted with someone else? That's really what it boils down to.

I am really oblivious to people's intentions and sometimes people think I am flirting when I am just being friendly, but I always make sure to let the people I talk to know pretty quickly that I am married (and often I have to add happily, because I guess being married is not enough lol) and that I'm definitely not in for anything else than a chat - 100% of the guys back off right away.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Look at what has been bolded. Every single one of those is an "I" sentence: I got, I want, I would, I wish. A relationship isn't about "I", it's about "we". That means you it's not all about you and it's not all about him. Yes, you work together but there also has to be realistic expectations.

When you get into a relationship, you love the person for who they are. If you start to try to change them, then they aren't the person you fell in love with. Again, just because you would do something for someone doesn't mean that's how they will act towards you. Your SO is his own person and you are your own person. You have your own minds and will each act towards the other person in the way that you feel is best. Just because he isn't doing things your way doesn't mean he is wrong. You will never find someone who is the perfect partner and does everything how you want it. If that's what you want, you are going to be very unhappy for a very long time.

Something to think about: Just because someone doesn't love you how you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I know I will not find the perfect person, but on the other hand, I refuse to settle. I'm not trying to change him, I just need to know that he loves me. From what I've experienced from dating, the behavior he shows sometimes usually comes off as being disinterested or lazy in the relationship. I'm not one to text all day, but I have asked him to text me more often and he said he would. He did tell me he needed affirmations in the relationship and so far there seems to be no complaints on his end. I feel as though so many people fall into a trap of loveless or abusive relationships because they reason that the person loves them in a different way, when in actuality they don't do anything at all or use love as a way to hurt someone. From experience I do have expectations because I have been used a lot by other people and I made tons of excuses for them, thinking they actually cared about me, but were busy, when in reality I was just a convenience for them.

[R&R]

I know I will not find the perfect person, but on the other hand, I refuse to settle. I'm not trying to change him, I just need to know that he loves me. From what I've experienced from dating, the behavior he shows sometimes usually comes off as being disinterested or lazy in the relationship. I'm not one to text all day, but I have asked him to text me more often and he said he would. He did tell me he needed affirmations in the relationship and so far there seems to be no complaints on his end. I feel as though so many people fall into a trap of loveless or abusive relationships because they reason that the person loves them in a different way, when in actuality they don't do anything at all or use love as a way to hurt someone. From experience I do have expectations because I have been used a lot by other people and I made tons of excuses for them, thinking they actually cared about me, but were busy, when in reality I was just a convenience for them.

Make a list of pros and cons. Make a list of acceptable behavior and not acceptable behavior. If you feel you are settling for less than what you expect or want, then end it and save you both time and effort. Just because you love or care for someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you. If he's not fulfilling your wants, then let him go to find someone who is more compatible with him and you can start dating again to find someone you are compatible with. Every minute you are with the wrong person, you are denying yourself the opportunity to find the right one.

[LisaS]

Saying that you are uncommitted is uncalled for and frankly pretty rude. Everyone gets tempted at some point but it's how you handle it that matters.

Personally I haven't really gone to bars or clubs since my single days so the temptation is not even there in the first place. I understand that some people like to socialize/drink/dance so my way may not work for everyone. So my suggestion to you is to find something that will keep you busy. I've come to realize that I feel the most lonely when my mind has time to wander so it's best to keep busy - with a hobby, work, gym, taking classes, shopping, etc. It's also important to remember that you are you're own person and have your own life (even though you love your SO very much!)

[Chris516]

Saying that you are uncommitted is uncalled for and frankly pretty rude. Everyone gets tempted at some point but it's how you handle it that matters.

Personally I haven't really gone to bars or clubs since my single days so the temptation is not even there in the first place. I understand that some people like to socialize/drink/dance so my way may not work for everyone. So my suggestion to you is to find something that will keep you busy. I've come to realize that I feel the most lonely when my mind has time to wander so it's best to keep busy - with a hobby, work, gym, taking classes, shopping, etc. It's also important to remember that you are you're own person and have your own life (even though you love your SO very much!)

No, You come across as being open to temptation. Everyone does not get tempted. That is both an absolute, and broad statement. Not based on fact, but supposition.

I wasn't claiming or insinuating that you went into bars or clubs, or even would work for one. I was pointing out that bartenders see all sorts of people and they would seemingly be tempted just by their work environment. Also those who work at a gym that is both for men and women.

Yes, It is important that every individual have their own pursuits, and interests. In addition to two people as a couple having like-minded interests.

[LisaS]

No, You come across as being open to temptation. Everyone does not get tempted. That is both an absolute, and broad statement. Not based on fact, but supposition.

I wasn't claiming or insinuating that you went into bars or clubs, or even would work for one. I was pointing out that bartenders see all sorts of people and they would seemingly be tempted just by their work environment. Also those who work at a gym that is both for men and women.

Yes, It is important that every individual have their own pursuits, and interests. In addition to two people as a couple having like-minded interests.

I'm realizing that perhaps the word tempted was the wrong word to use. Just meant that it's normal for people get attention from others but it's how that person handles it is important.