SO sleeps A LOT

[Fast Forward]

Bear with me - this is an odd one, I admit.

Also by now I am sure you will get the impression there is nothing but issues in my relationship. I want to rectify this before I get started as it simply is not true. My boyfriend is great and most of the time, despite the distance and missing him a lot, I am floating around on cloud 9. He is nice, helpful, supportive, understanding, respectful and loving - all I could want in a guy and I am madly in love. But I am a total type 1 personality and when I get and I have a big need to vent, just to let the steam off in order to think straight. I am pretty good at not letting it all out on him but I need to share some things with people just to hear opinions sometimes anyway

So, my boyfriend sleeps a lot. A LOT. We are talking about 12+ hours on a weekend. That is what he calls "sleeping in". For example, he is still sleeping now. It is almost 3 pm where he is and almost 8 where I am. So my day is coming to an end and he... Well, a grown man who has not been out all night, who goes to sleep around midnight should not be sleeping longer than a teenager should - especially if this is his normal sleeping pattern. When this first happened (or when I first noticed), he was going through a patch of no work, so I thought the lack of activity was making him lethargic. Now he is back working over 8 hours a day on most weekdays, still sleeps at least 6 to 8 hours a night with getting up for work during week and he STILL sleeps this many hours on the weekends.
He as a pretty bad B12 deficiency and gets a shot once a month. He got the last one just a few days ago - so should he not be back to a normal energy level now? I remember when we were in Ireland he would also complain about sore legs a lot. We were not doing mad hikes at all - walking no longer than maybe 1 hour or 1,5 at once tops, nothing a 29-year old should struggle with. He IS extremely skinny and as far as I know this weight loss happened when he was a teen and started having his deficiency. He eats little to normal and no lactose products (intolerant)... I do have to remind him that I need 3 meals a day when we are together as he can easily skip lunch if he had breakfast.

So I am wondering if I am just being an evil bitch all over again for being annoyed or if I am right for being concerned. I don't think an otherwise healthy 29 year old needs this much sleep and together with the sore legs and skinniness, I wonder i f there is another health issue.

Also, we want to move in together end of next summer. I don't want to live with a man who spends most of his time off sleeping. Now when I visit he does get out of bed around 11 (usually by then I am up 2 hours and complain about being hungry), but I am sure enough that if we live together, his enthusiasm to sleep less (read: 8 hours like a normal person) will eventually disappear and I will be left to myself on days we could do stuff together...

Any thoughts on that? Please don't rip me apart, I am both worried about him and annoyed because I am probably going to bed today before he gets up...

[differentcountries]

I know B-vitamin defficiency can be tricky to cure. It is very possible that he also has other defficiencies that he is not aware of. Together with the skinniness, he may struggle to take up nutrients from food - do you know it he has any gut problems? And the lack of vitamin B can cause him to feel tired and not rested after a regular night of sleep, causing him to sleep so long. You might want to check up his medical history if he has one.

My SO has sore legs and knees, it started last year when he was running around a lot at work. In his new place the walking radius is much smaller and I have not heard him complain much since. I have sore legs myself because of short muscles; I use TENS technology. It still on the back of my mind that I want to help SO start with some kind of work out in the mornings, since he works evening to night shifts and I can see it affects his metabolism because he started gaining a little weight. He is aware of it and I am sure we will figure something out next year.

Just talk to your SO. Say; I worry about your health a little, I want to you feel energized and well, is there something I/you/we can do? Have you talked to your doctor?

ps: Surely you can make yourself breakfast or a morning snack? If we stay in a hotel and are going out to eat I usually buy a little nuts, chocolate etc. If we stay in a flat hotel I simply start making breakfast and that will wake him up.

[Fast Forward]

The issue is, he is not taking any of it seriously. He keeps claiming he is on top of it all since he goes to regular check ups. He won't listen to me at all and says it is normal sleeping that much. I am so annoyed right now.

He has a lot of problems with his gut - pain is almost a daily thing. He blames it on his lactose intolerance that he claims is very severe - though his last test was negative. Maybe that's not it at all and he has a whole other problem? I wished he would actually listen to me and go to another doctor for second opinion on it...

Oh, in the mornings I have done things like that. When I was a this place I'd have breakfast by myself most mornings, but sometimes he actually wanted us to go for food together. In those cases he would get up earlier. Same when we were traveling. I just think this will stop once we live together (but as he just said " why not worry when the time comes? we sure will find ways to deal with it"... I hate it when he is right sometimes)

[Shirona]

Nevermind, I think we are breaking up. He is ignoring me after I told him I am frustrated about his sleeping behavior. Last time he did that to me I was at wits end. I told him if he ever does it again we are over. So here we are...

How did you express your frustration?

[Fast Forward]

Shirona: ah I just edited my post, he called... and laughed at me...
Well I first joked about it... Then raised my concerns... Then got frustrated and said I was angry and not to call me until I calm down... He then eventually texted back and after that I couldn't reach him for a while... until he eventually called back. I feel like an idiot. Concerns are still there though.

[Chris516]

In addition to Vitamin B, I am also wondering about his Vitamin C.

[ronjaandbirk]

Deficiancies and gut problems incredibly hard to get on top of or even to diagnose sometimes. As are sleeping disorders. If you go to doctors and all you ever get back is "we don't know" eventually you will stop trying. Now i don't know if this is the case with him but how much he does about it is his personal decision, and you will have to accept that.

Also, not everyone is fine with 8 hours of sleep. Some people just need more. And no, it can't be changed. You try being tired all the time, it's not fun at all.

Honestly i think you sound a bit immature. I get the fear of losing time together but tolerance is important in relationships. If he needs sleep let him sleep and busy yourself. He's your boyfriend not an entertainment machine

How much sleep does he get under the week?

[Harlequin]

Deficiancies and gut problems incredibly hard to get on top of or even to diagnose sometimes. As are sleeping disorders. If you go to doctors and all you ever get back is "we don't know" eventually you will stop trying. Now i don't know if this is the case with him but how much he does about it is his personal decision, and you will have to accept that.

Also, not everyone is fine with 8 hours of sleep. Some people just need more. And no, it can't be changed. You try being tired all the time, it's not fun at all.

Honestly i think you sound a bit immature. I get the fear of losing time together but tolerance is important in relationships. If he needs sleep let him sleep and busy yourself. He's your boyfriend not an entertainment machine

How much sleep does he get under the week?

OP said that he sleeps 6-8 hours a night during the week, which is average. Oversleeping is a big issue, and can cause a litany of health problems like depression and an increased risk of stroke or heart disease. For his own health, he shouldn't be sleeping that long on a regular, and should really try to get that figured out. OP has also said that he has constant abdominal pain, and he doesn't seem to be taking his own medical problems seriously. I totally get how frustrating it can be to get a "we don't know" from doctors all the time, because it took a dozen doctors 10 years to get me a proper diagnosis for my own medical nonsense, but if you're serious about getting to the bottom of a serious medical problem, you don't give up even when you really want to.

OP, for the future, I wouldn't use a breakup as a threat in regards to his sleeping issue. It's understandable to be frustrated by all this, especially when it seems like there's either a bigger issue or multiple issues that he doesn't seem to want to take care of, but something impulsive like that isn't going to solve anything. As for things like him sleeping through breakfast, I would just eat without him. Don't go without just because he can, you know? Overall, if he's not willing to listen and he's not willing to make a change, then there's nothing you can really do except try to adapt to him.

Though if he has a B12 deficiency, I'm wondering if he suffers from some type of gastritis? That would account for his abdominal pain.

[Fast Forward]

Christ56: good question, I have no idea. He says in winter he takes vitamin D to counteract the lack of sun, but no clue about any other stuff.

ronjaandbrik: well thanks for calling me immature... I know some people need more sleep - I'd still understand something around 10 hours, but over 12 seems over the top. If this happens every once in a while and he was lacking sleep on other days, I'd understand. But this pattern is the norm on days off. I find that concerning and his attitude of "nah I'm fine" annoys me, as I worry there might be another issue...

Harlequin: I threatened breakup when he ignored me, following another fight we had a few months ago where he ignored me for almost two days, which made me think he was going to break up. So that was not directly related to the sleeping issue.
I wished he'd take the whole thing more serious, but I guess as long as we don't live together and it is not directly an issue for our interactions (though it does mean we talk less than we could which bothers me...), there is little I can do in ways of making him go get another doctor's opinion. Who knows, maybe it is "just" laziness and if he had more to do because he has to take care of stuff, he'd be sleeping less... OR if he lives with someone he wants to interact with. We will see.

[Harlequin]

Harlequin: I threatened breakup when he ignored me, following another fight we had a few months ago where he ignored me for almost two days, which made me think he was going to break up. So that was not directly related to the sleeping issue.

Ah, okay. Sorry for misinterpreting! I can definitely understand getting upset over that.

Overall, I wish you luck. Hopefully it all works out in a way that you're both happy.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Bear with me - this is an odd one, I admit.

Also by now I am sure you will get the impression there is nothing but issues in my relationship. I want to rectify this before I get started as it simply is not true. My boyfriend is great and most of the time, despite the distance and missing him a lot, I am floating around on cloud 9. He is nice, helpful, supportive, understanding, respectful and loving - all I could want in a guy and I am madly in love. But I am a total type 1 personality and when I get and I have a big need to vent, just to let the steam off in order to think straight. I am pretty good at not letting it all out on him but I need to share some things with people just to hear opinions sometimes anyway

So, my boyfriend sleeps a lot. A LOT. We are talking about 12+ hours on a weekend. That is what he calls "sleeping in". For example, he is still sleeping now. It is almost 3 pm where he is and almost 8 where I am. So my day is coming to an end and he... Well, a grown man who has not been out all night, who goes to sleep around midnight should not be sleeping longer than a teenager should - especially if this is his normal sleeping pattern. When this first happened (or when I first noticed), he was going through a patch of no work, so I thought the lack of activity was making him lethargic. Now he is back working over 8 hours a day on most weekdays, still sleeps at least 6 to 8 hours a night with getting up for work during week and he STILL sleeps this many hours on the weekends.
He as a pretty bad B12 deficiency and gets a shot once a month. He got the last one just a few days ago - so should he not be back to a normal energy level now? I remember when we were in Ireland he would also complain about sore legs a lot. We were not doing mad hikes at all - walking no longer than maybe 1 hour or 1,5 at once tops, nothing a 29-year old should struggle with. He IS extremely skinny and as far as I know this weight loss happened when he was a teen and started having his deficiency. He eats little to normal and no lactose products (intolerant)... I do have to remind him that I need 3 meals a day when we are together as he can easily skip lunch if he had breakfast.

So I am wondering if I am just being an evil bitch all over again for being annoyed or if I am right for being concerned. I don't think an otherwise healthy 29 year old needs this much sleep and together with the sore legs and skinniness, I wonder i f there is another health issue.

Also, we want to move in together end of next summer. I don't want to live with a man who spends most of his time off sleeping. Now when I visit he does get out of bed around 11 (usually by then I am up 2 hours and complain about being hungry), but I am sure enough that if we live together, his enthusiasm to sleep less (read: 8 hours like a normal person) will eventually disappear and I will be left to myself on days we could do stuff together...

Any thoughts on that? Please don't rip me apart, I am both worried about him and annoyed because I am probably going to bed today before he gets up...

I can understand your frustration, as I dealt w/a similar issue when I was w/my ex. My ex was always tired, he would fall asleep when we would cuddle and watch a movie, he never felt like going anywhere and took naps during the day. At 1st I found it relaxing, then really frustrating. I tried to encourage him to see a doctor w/no avail and even tried to spark some sort of interests in him to occupy time. I found myself getting lazy as well and that bothered me. If this is his behavior now and he refuses to get help, you will be stuck w/a man who sleeps all the time (if you move w/him and maybe married). Some people may think you are being an evil bitch because they don't know what it is like to deal w/a person that has those issues.

[Sparkling72]

my thought on that was this thyroid as well... I know vitamin deficiencies are nothing to mess with! He may be malnourished - not from lack of eating - but a genetic defect... it's a shame he doesn't take it seriously.

[differentcountries]

The issue is, he is not taking any of it seriously. He keeps claiming he is on top of it all since he goes to regular check ups. He won't listen to me at all and says it is normal sleeping that much. I am so annoyed right now.

He has a lot of problems with his gut - pain is almost a daily thing. He blames it on his lactose intolerance that he claims is very severe - though his last test was negative. Maybe that's not it at all and he has a whole other problem? I wished he would actually listen to me and go to another doctor for second opinion on it...

Oh, in the mornings I have done things like that. When I was a this place I'd have breakfast by myself most mornings, but sometimes he actually wanted us to go for food together. In those cases he would get up earlier. Same when we were traveling. I just think this will stop once we live together (but as he just said " why not worry when the time comes? we sure will find ways to deal with it"... I hate it when he is right sometimes)

It will not stop when you live together. The way you are together now will be similar if you live together, unless something changes. You KNOW that is a false promise.

If he has daily gut pain and reactions to lactose that does not show up on a test, have you considered IBS? It is really an exclutionary diagnosis, but low lactose is included in the low FODMAP diet (also not eating onions, garlic, apples, beans and wheat) - which is gut friendly and you can try anyhow.

The thing will gut issues is that they make you so..... tired. Fatigued. Plus it is hard to think when you have pain issues. At least for the pain there is meds. His doctor can also try out gut meds.

But then he has to visit a doctor. Sleeping 12 hours a day and having daily pain is not normal. Whatever it is, he needs to take some measures to better his health.

[Rezie]

I don't think 'when we live together things will be different' is a solution. Usually it get better for a.few months and once the honeymoon is over then it goes back to normal.

My boyfriend has some digestion problems and it's annoying. The problem itself sucks (for him and me) and in the evening he cant cuddle or anything because of it. But we both know he could make it better with his diet. He just chooses not to or doesn't want to make an extra effort with the diet.

I kind of read that you are in a similar position. He is not taking your concerns seriously. Gut pain could be milk,lactose, gluten etc. He should try different diets to see it it makes him feel any better.

When does he go to sleep on the weekend? Cause that has am effect on the quality of sleep and sleepies. I personally find the lack of fitness and gut pain more worrying but I think they are part of a bigger problem. Could be medical(mental or physical) or just him not being interested.

I would say that you do your thing while he is asleep. Don't wait around or miss out. He will either notice that he needs to do something about it or not.

No matter what we tell you and you tell him it won't matter until he wants to do something about it. He could try diets, exercise, doctor, alternative medicine but he has to decide himself that he wants a change in the pattern.

Often in these threads (and in mine) when we share our problems or comes down to the thought of "do they care about me?" Or "do I care about them enough?". Since they don't understand how all the things have an affect on us aswell and how it limits the time spent together. Have you told him brutally honestly that besides the worry there are side effects on you aswell?

[Fast Forward]

Hi Rezie, I didn't see your post until now, sorry about that.

I agree with what you say about the Honey Moon phase and it is my concern as well. But I guess in this case I have to wait and see. He has mild OCD, so he gets very hung up on routines, which could actually mean that when we move in together and he get used to sleeping less hours, he will be fine with it soon and then stick with that. I know my routines have changed many times over the years (though I am not OCD), and I have started sleeping less when I moved into my own place as the responsibility was giving me a reason to get up Nobody else taking care of things and you not wanting to live in a mess can be a strong motivator. So for now I give him "the benefit of the doubt" so to say.

On the weekends he does tend to go to sleep late, around 3 or so. He still manages to sleep 12 hours and more though. Usually he'd wake up around 9 or 10, use the bathroom, then go back to sleeping. He is not a person whit a lot of hobbies or responsibilities outside work - he has a dog but his parents take care of her as well, so he takes over in the afternoon. There is still debate whether or not the dog will move with us - if she does it will be all his to care about though
So it could be a bad personal hygiene and unrelated to the other issues.

However, you are right, if it persists and keeps making me unhappy (though right now that is a strong word - I am fairly busy, so I am rather annoyed when he is unavailable, but not strictly speaking unhappy), I will bring it up. So far, whenever I would say something like that, he would meet me in the middle. But how long it lasts, hard to tell with the distance.