How can I encourage him to start looking for a career?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

I am not a materialistic person by any means, but I do need a partner that can help me support a family. I love my bf, but I am concerned for our future. I knew from the beginning that he is struggling to find what he wants in life, but to me it seems like he isn't looking. I am older then him, a graduate from college and working a professional job. I want to go back and do something else in the same field, just more involved. He does not want to go to college (I know college is not for everyone), but I can see him wasting his time idling. I can be lazy as well and I find it hard at times to be ambitious. I actually found out about my current job purely from me getting out and exploring through volunteering. I love him a lot, but I know that he cannot help me working odd jobs. Education and job status has nothing to do w/how caring a person is, I dated and talked to guys who were engineers and PhDs, they were both self absorbed jerks (not saying all of them are).

He knows this is one reason I left my ex, he was completely unambitious, plus on top of everything else he began to treat me like crap. IDK what to do, we have talked about me furthering my education and him going into a trade, I really love him, but if he does not progress, this will be an issue later on down the road.

[differentcountries]

Is the problem him not having a steady job? Or does it have to be a trade? What is your timeline for him deciding/starting? What does he say about his ideas of his future work life? Did you talk about finances and how you plan to make and use money?

For us, I have a Master's degree as well as I started up a PhD. I was sick for a while and had to leave uni, and when I met SO I was unemployed/in recovery. During our relationship I got first a part time job doing something fairly interesting. Now I have a full time job doing something very interesting. I want to finish my PhD if possible and I work towards this part time. SO likes about me that I am a good student/analyzer, which is refreshing because I used to date a guy who thought my studies were not "spiritual" and his attitude wore me down. My studies/job is a big part of who I am, in fact it was something I needed to consider dating someone at all.

When I met SO, he was a seasonal worker. He took some part time studies, but I had no idea if he was serious with it, and frankly I dont know if he was either. He tried to do a Bachelor in the past, but gave up the studies then. I always told him "as long as you have a job". He failed some exams and was very down about it. I was a bit disappointed, but I thought it meant something for him to finish so I told him "I am sure you got it almost correctly. That means that next time you will do it right". And he did. It was not in flying colors, but now he has a degree. One of the things that this means, is that his new boss gives him a lot of responsibility and I think (at least in time) more pay. He is really happy about it and pleased with himself. His older brothers, his cousin and his SIL are teachers, so I think he likes to show for himself that he has this degree, even if he is a more practical man. I have been fairly involved with his job, as I have spent a great deal of time there on visits. If I had had problems with SO not being a college grad, it would be very weird. I just wanted to support him in whatever he was doing.

We talk a lot about money, sometimes on a very detailed level. He taught me to be frugal on everyday things and he knows all the good ways to get favors in his country. I own a flat so there is some value there. We both have loans that needs to be taken care of. We know that closing the distance, and taking care of visits and other things until we do, depends a lot about money.

If you have concerns about money and your SOs ability to provide for a family, tell him so. Those are legitimate concerns. Share what you want out of your life with him and what you think is needed to make that happen. Just make sure that you come out as supporting your SOs choises in this regard, not telling him what to do. People love a good shoulder to lean on but they hate others telling them how to live their lives, so try to strike a balance. Yes, and ask him about HIS dreams. They might be the same as yours. They might be somewhat different. Either way you will learn and use this info to build the best possible future.

[R&R]

I am not a materialistic person by any means, but I do need a partner that can help me support a family. I love my bf, but I am concerned for our future. I knew from the beginning that he is struggling to find what he wants in life, but to me it seems like he isn't looking. I am older then him, a graduate from college and working a professional job. I want to go back and do something else in the same field, just more involved. He does not want to go to college (I know college is not for everyone), but I can see him wasting his time idling. I can be lazy as well and I find it hard at times to be ambitious. I actually found out about my current job purely from me getting out and exploring through volunteering. I love him a lot, but I know that he cannot help me working odd jobs. Education and job status has nothing to do w/how caring a person is, I dated and talked to guys who were engineers and PhDs, they were both self absorbed jerks (not saying all of them are).

He knows this is one reason I left my ex, he was completely unambitious, plus on top of everything else he began to treat me like crap. IDK what to do, we have talked about me furthering my education and him going into a trade, I really love him, but if he does not progress, this will be an issue later on down the road.

You have talked about it and explained how it is important to you. Ultimately, it is his decision if he wants to go further in education or learn a trade. It's your decision if you want to stay in the relationship if he chooses that he is happy exactly as he is. Again, you want to push him into being something or someone that he may not be but to fit your mold.

My SO has a couple of Masters Degrees. I just got my Associates this year at age 45. I am currently in school for my Bachelors. I've always maintained a good job and he hasn't cared what I have done for work. I can honestly say that his love for me, his attitude toward our relationship and what we wanted wouldn't have mattered because he wants a relationship with me, not my job. We each contribute as we can and it will always be that way.

You seem to continually come up with different reasons why aren't content in this relationship. Maybe it's time to seriously consider that this may not be the relationship for you.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

You have talked about it and explained how it is important to you. Ultimately, it is his decision if he wants to go further in education or learn a trade. It's your decision if you want to stay in the relationship if he chooses that he is happy exactly as he is. Again, you want to push him into being something or someone that he may not be but to fit your mold.

My SO has a couple of Masters Degrees. I just got my Associates this year at age 45. I am currently in school for my Bachelors. I've always maintained a good job and he hasn't cared what I have done for work. I can honestly say that his love for me, his attitude toward our relationship and what we wanted wouldn't have mattered because he wants a relationship with me, not my job. We each contribute as we can and it will always be that way.

You seem to continually come up with different reasons why aren't content in this relationship. Maybe it's time to seriously consider that this may not be the relationship for you.

That's what I fear, but idk if I'm overanalyzing because in the past I never talked about it w/partners. Maybe its a lot harder to see when in a long distance? We have talked about moving closer, I would be willing to move to my own place if I can find a comparable job. I want him to be happy, but at the same time practical.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Is the problem him not having a steady job?

What exactly do you expect him to do? What is your timeline for him deciding/starting?

Def a problem about not having a stable job. I know how difficult it is to get out of the jobless rut and I fear it could take years if not forever to get himself out there. I spent a year after college idling. I really wasted my time and at one point I was so fed up w/the boredom that I accepted the 1st job I could get a min wage job. (my parents wanted me to find something in my field).

[Chris516]

I am not a materialistic person by any means, but I do need a partner that can help me support a family. I love my bf, but I am concerned for our future. I knew from the beginning that he is struggling to find what he wants in life, but to me it seems like he isn't looking. I am older then him, a graduate from college and working a professional job. I want to go back and do something else in the same field, just more involved. He does not want to go to college (I know college is not for everyone), but I can see him wasting his time idling. I can be lazy as well and I find it hard at times to be ambitious. I actually found out about my current job purely from me getting out and exploring through volunteering. I love him a lot, but I know that he cannot help me working odd jobs. Education and job status has nothing to do w/how caring a person is, I dated and talked to guys who were engineers and PhDs, they were both self absorbed jerks (not saying all of them are).

He knows this is one reason I left my ex, he was completely unambitious, plus on top of everything else he began to treat me like crap. IDK what to do, we have talked about me furthering my education and him going into a trade, I really love him, but if he does not progress, this will be an issue later on down the road.

Talk to him.

[R&R]

That's what I fear, but idk if I'm overanalyzing because in the past I never talked about it w/partners. Maybe its a lot harder to see when in a long distance? We have talked about moving closer, I would be willing to move to my own place if I can find a comparable job. I want him to be happy, but at the same time practical.

It's really not harder in an LDR when making decisions about what you want in a partner. We all have things we need, things we really want, things we can compromise on and things that just aren't acceptable. It's different for every individual what those things are. Just remember that what you want is important while maintaing realistic expectations. What you may not find acceptable for you in a relationship may be exactly what someone else is looking for in theirs. Not everyone we date is the right person for us - that's what dating is about....figuring it out.

[differentcountries]

Def a problem about not having a stable job. I know how difficult it is to get out of the jobless rut and I fear it could take years if not forever to get himself out there. I spent a year after college idling. I really wasted my time and at one point I was so fed up w/the boredom that I accepted the 1st job I could get a min wage job. (my parents wanted me to find something in my field).

What is his financial situation? Could he get by devoting a few months to full time job hunting, or is that not within his means?

[NewToLongDistance2016]

What is his financial situation? Could he get by devoting a few months to full time job hunting, or is that not within his means?

He can afford to spend a couple months searching for a job and pick up these odd jobs. The problem is his laziness, he had a seasonal job, but wants to reapply to be a more permanent job. I did suggest he find like a chain place to work for in the mean time. I guess that's maybe what bugs me is his laziness. If he was out there actively exploring what he wants to do, then it would put me more at ease. For now I am seeing if I accept him for what he is right now, nothing big will happen anytime soon and if that's permanent, I will move on. I'm hoping he will let me give him some pushes in the right direction.

[differentcountries]

He can afford to spend a couple months searching for a job and pick up these odd jobs. The problem is his laziness, he had a seasonal job, but wants to reapply to be a more permanent job. I did suggest he find like a chain place to work for in the mean time. I guess that's maybe what bugs me is his laziness. If he was out there actively exploring what he wants to do, then it would put me more at ease. For now I am seeing if I accept him for what he is right now, nothing big will happen anytime soon and if that's permanent, I will move on. I'm hoping he will let me give him some pushes in the right direction.

My SO used to have a seasonal job, he just switched to a permanent one. He used a looooot of time to decide where he wanted to go. He spends many hours at his job, so I would not want him to work somewhere he is not comfortable, even if to get money. I have learned in his previous jobs that he is very proud of his work and sensitive to (unfair) critisism for his work. He needs to be somewhere he gets along with people and gets a sense of meaning with what he does, or else he is going to be unhappy.

I feel this for myself: even when I had non-educationally related jobs, I needed to find something in me that made the job ok for me. I have experienced working in places that were not good for me and that drained me. When I applied for jobs after I lost my old in February, I applied for jobs I was not sure I even wanted, it was hard imagining myself working some of the places. I wanted some kind of stability and personal interest. It is not hard to see that my SO wants the same for himself. I know when he looked for a job, he was tired of his old life and it influenced his concentration.

Have a little faith in your SO. You said he is younger and unsure of what he wants. It can be wise to avoid getting into a serious contract with a workplace you are unsure of. Even perhaps not actively look, unless you know what you are looking FOR. As his gf, you are entitled to have a say, and inform him about your expectations in life for yourself and even him, but I dont see that there is anything you can do about it right now. He needs to find out for himself what he wants to do for a living. Maybe he can talk to a friend who made the transition from seasonal to permanent and get some tips on what is out there, or even look for a place where he knows someone.

[hmrambling]

You are too controlling. You want him to book the tickets to come see you on your timeline. You want him to get a job to support you and your family. Why is it his responsibility while you two are dating to support you and your family?

Part of dating is learning who the other person is. If he doesn't work, say to yourself, "duly noted."

If he doesn't book the plane tickets when you want him to, say to yourself, "duly noted."

If he doesn't text, call, Skype, facetime, facebook, message, instagram, game, or breathe when you want him to, you say to yourself, "duly noted."

You communicate what you want and need out of the relationship. If he doesn't honor or respect that, then you always have the opportunity to move on.

Dating is not about changing another person. Dating is about learning who the other person is, communication, and deciding if you are compatible. Perhaps you are not compatible.

I will say this, though. If my partner suggested to me that I should have a job that supports her I would tell her that she is a grown ass woman who needs to be able to support herself. We are both independent women with jobs. She is contemplating going back for her PhD as we speak. I told her that she is welcome to stay in my house while she goes back for her PhD. It is understood that I expect her to be able to support herself. I will not be taking on her bills for her to go back to school.

We did not enter into the relationship with the intent of me supporting her, nor do I intend to do so.

Has he ever said that he intends to get a job that will support you and your family, or are your expectations based on traditional societal expectations?

[sasad]

Have you both even met IRL ?

[hmrambling]

Have you both even met IRL ?

From September of this year:

The visit went great, I wish I had stayed longer, but if it didn't go so well, I didn't want to be stuck there. He was the one to bring up his own lack of texting and I definitely told him I would like more of it.

[sasad]

From September of this year:

Thanks.. getting two people confused..sigh...

I do agree with what you are saying though!

[differentcountries]

Why is it his responsibility while you two are dating to support you and your family?

Part of dating is learning who the other person is. If he doesn't work, say to yourself, "duly noted."

Her SO has a job, just not a steady job.

While both parties need to support themselves with every day bills, there are many projects that are hard to make happen if one party does not have a steady job: raise kids, buy a house, save up to travel the world etc. The great upside to seasonal or short term jobs is the flexibility - if you have some place to go where the expenses are low, or you saved up, you can afford to not be employed all the time and you get real breakes. But there comes a time where that is not so cool - when all your friends and family are getting steady jobs, unless you have a special plan, that is not such a nice place to be. Many who have seasonal jobs basically live on their parents some of the time (or they have back up jobs).

To the OP: What would be helpful, would be to sit down and talk a little bit on how the both of you imagine your future will be like. It is not sure your SO knows everything about how he wants it, but to at least get a general overview, and why he himself talkes about getting another type of job. I know for us, my SO is not a great planner, but last year he was kind of looking to his friends' lives, going: I want to be where they are (some of his friends are married with kids and in non-seasonal jobs). We have discussed buying property and that takes money. Really, most things get easier with money. But you can't make them doing something you hate.