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    #1

    I need a voice of reason

    So here is my story: 9 months ago I traveled to study for a few months, it was a time to breath for me as I had ended a long term relationship 6 months before and after that relationship I had so many guys from my life wanting to date me... the point is I wanted that my exchange period abroad will be time for myself without any guys! One week into my exchange, first day of school, bam there he was... at first i resisted but I ended up dating him and falling for him. At first he was clingy but after he got me he was pushingg me away... it scared me and he always said that long distance hurts so he doesnt want to get his hopes up about us, yet at the same time he used to tell me things like "with some people you just know that they are the one"... so I tried! Gave it my all and put my heart and soul in it. 5 months of that and I went back to my country still believing that I can be strong and make it work, i booked flights to go see him after 6 months. Which was this week... spent 4 days together feeling better than ever together and on the last day i asked what his views are about our relationship and he says he thinks it's pointless because we dont know if we can connect in one place in the future. So we decided to break it off yet still talk... i am ofcourse still in love with him and now thoughts are haunting me that maybe one day he will be ready to commit to this and we can work together to reach a life together... our friendship means the world to me but i am afraid that it will break me to keep contact with him and I will always be waiting.

    So i am here asking for advice and maybe experiences from you guys. to be completely honest I have a little sense of relief about breaking up for the sole reason that missing someone who you wont see for months has been heart wrenching, but I cant say I am happy about it. I Understand the situation completely I just hate the outcome especially when I know that together we are stronger, our relationship is amazingly special and we both feel that
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    #2
    I'm blunt and get to the point, if it's offensive then I apologise:

    He may tell you things like "with some people you just know that they are the one", but actions speak louder than words and he doesn't seem to have put much effort into the potential relationship. He's called the LDR pointless. Maybe he's just not one who can do long distance. Not his fault really, but if he believes it's pointless and hasn't tried to make it work, then I'd say it's best to not focus on possibly pursuing the relationship again. Remaining friends is fine, but I wouldn't be waiting around for the day, if that day ever comes, where he decides he's ready to dedicate himself to a LDR and to you. It takes two people, making equal effort, for an LDR to have a good chance. If it's just one, it won't work, and he's made it clear the distance is an issue. Stay friends, and eventually move on if another opportunity ever arises with someone else. Good luck.

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      #3
      Thank you for being blunt! That is what I need! This was my first LDR and I was always being very patient because of excuses I told myself that it is about culture difference or that it has only been a year and I cant possibly start thinking of movingg in together and that our studies come first for now.

      I know you are right that actions speak louder than words, he never tried to make it easy and if I wasnt so patient and loving we would not have even lasted a few months, even when we were living in the same place. So it got exhausting! Honestly I would have rather he said that he does not like me because I can move on, but like this I keep thinking that he is afraid and dont want to get too involved! He said it multiple times to me that distance hurts too much and so he has no hope.

      I am sorry i am rambling and trying to make sense of my thoughts

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        #4
        True that he could just be afraid/apprehensive and that's preventing him from really investing himself. So you could take the risk and wait around and assure him that you will do your best to make it work. However, the issue would be if he would do his best to make it work. Fear can get in the way and he may not be able to provide you with what you hope out of a relationship. Which is why I suggest to try and move on, even if it is harder since he's still in your life in some way. He could end up surprising you some day, when you still have not yet found someone, and tell you he's ready for it. But it wouldn't be healthy to wait for that day to come. Go about your life, be friends, don't miss out on other opportunities. Things will work out in the end, whether with him or without him and with someone else.

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          #5
          Originally posted by maybesomeday View Post
          I'm blunt and get to the point, if it's offensive then I apologise:

          He may tell you things like "with some people you just know that they are the one", but actions speak louder than words and he doesn't seem to have put much effort into the potential relationship. He's called the LDR pointless. Maybe he's just not one who can do long distance. Not his fault really, but if he believes it's pointless and hasn't tried to make it work, then I'd say it's best to not focus on possibly pursuing the relationship again. Remaining friends is fine, but I wouldn't be waiting around for the day, if that day ever comes, where he decides he's ready to dedicate himself to a LDR and to you. It takes two people, making equal effort, for an LDR to have a good chance. If it's just one, it won't work, and he's made it clear the distance is an issue. Stay friends, and eventually move on if another opportunity ever arises with someone else. Good luck.
          This indirectly bugs me. It is a great answer in reference to LDRs'.

          But I started wondering, how the OP's (ex)s/o copes with relatives that live quite a distance. I know the relationship is different. But with todays' technology, there are many ways' for two people to see each other. Without having to be in the same location.

          First Visit: September 2016
          Second Visit: January 2017 (Her birthday)
          Third Visit: June 2018 (medical conference near her home)

          John 3:16
          For God so loved the world. That he gave his only begotten son. For whosoever believeth in him. Shall not perish but have eternal life
          John 4:12
          I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

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            #6
            You are right but honestly after the first few months without him next to me I started to become increasingly depressed, texting is far off from talking normally and skyping couldn't fit our daily schedule fot sure. After a while you will still be craving the real thing

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              #7
              Originally posted by JDlover View Post
              You are right but honestly after the first few months without him next to me I started to become increasingly depressed, texting is far off from talking normally and skyping couldn't fit our daily schedule fot sure. After a while you will still be craving the real thing
              Not everyone is able to do an LDR. Some people thrive in the circumstances. If you are the type of person who needs more than texting and an occasional call or to be physically with your partner, that's ok. It just means that you need to be in relationships with people near you and not in an LDR.

              My SO and I didn't see each other for 16 months. We texted pretty much daily but phone calls could be a couple of days in between. In general, phone calls are under 5 minutes. For me, this is sufficient. For others, they need to talk for hours a day and Skype a couple of times a week. For me, that would be clingly and excessive. Every person and every couple is different in their needs. Be in a relationship where you are happy and your needs are being met.....not one that is making you miserable.
              To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

              ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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                #8
                Originally posted by R&R View Post
                Not everyone is able to do an LDR. Some people thrive in the circumstances. If you are the type of person who needs more than texting and an occasional call or to be physically with your partner, that's ok. It just means that you need to be in relationships with people near you and not in an LDR.

                My SO and I didn't see each other for 16 months. We texted pretty much daily but phone calls could be a couple of days in between. In general, phone calls are under 5 minutes. For me, this is sufficient. For others, they need to talk for hours a day and Skype a couple of times a week. For me, that would be clingly and excessive. Every person and every couple is different in their needs. Be in a relationship where you are happy and your needs are being met.....not one that is making you miserable.
                I couldnt agree more! Every relationship is different and just because it's LDR doesnt mean people have to be clingy! Throughout my relationship people used to stress me out with telling me that we should skype often and text often, I was happy with texting whenever we had time, sometimes not everyday and skyping for about 2hrs once every week or so. This was one thing that bothered me in LDR, how people who have never experienced it judge your relationship and tell you that LDRs dont work, cause even though I know our relationship was extremely special when you have weak moments those things people say push you further down

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