What is going on? What should I do?

[laura5678]

I’ve been in a virtual, long distance relationship since September. We used to send each other lengthy letters (via Facebook messenger) every two days, but things seem to have changed and I’m confused.

It all started about a month ago when he replied to me after 5 long days apologizing and explaining that he was on a business trip - sick and drowned in work. I replied like nothing happened (2-3 days). The next week he sent me the usual letter + smaller messages (each had a similar form “I read/saw this and thought of you.” I thought they were sweet and replied to both. Then, on the 3rd week he went silent for 5 days again. I assumed he might be busy again and didn’t contact him, but I was unhappy and felt neglected. His letter came after 5 days. There was no explanation or apology. However, he was acting like nothing happened - asking a lot of questions (eight!), sounding rather close, not distant. I replied after 3 days and attached something I thought he’d like based on his previous message. He sent me a small message thanking for that attachment and saying that he “loved it”. After two more days he sent a bigger letter replying to my previous one. His tone was caring, he put some effort in the letter’s composition and he seemed genuinely interested. I thought we were back to “normal” and I happily replied after 2 days. However, now 5 days passed (including the weekend) and nothing. No reply - no short messages (like “I’m busy, I’ll get back to you”), no long letters.

I’m confused by his behavior. I feel like the distance is growing when he’s late when it comes to replying and doesn’t even bother to apologize. However, his letters still show interest, lots of it (like nothing changed).
I like him and his letters, but I feel neglected each time he goes silent. I can understand being busy, but sending a one line of text saying “I’m busy. I will reply later” doesn’t take much time.
It feels like I’m no longer his priority and like I’m far behind both work and family (he has two teenaged children who he sees on weekends) in terms of importance.

I promised myself that I won’t get distracted by his caring tone or numerous questions the next time. I decided not to reply to his next letter (if it ever arrives) like nothing happened.
However, I’m not sure what I should do. Go silent for a week and see what he does? Wait 5 days and send him a short message saying that I don’t enjoy our strained conversation anymore and prefer not to drag it any further?

Am I being taken for granted? Is he losing interest?

[R&R]

We can't tell you what is going on in his head - only he can. The only way you can find out is to ask him. Don't play games "because he did this, I'm going to do it back". If you want a mature, adult relationship then you have to treat it as such.

Have you agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship? If you have, then have you discussed with him what you find to be adequate communication? If you are just friends/penpals, then he really doesn't owe an explination of where he's been or why things may have changed. It sounds like the two of you need to talk.

[differentcountries]

We dont know what is going on, but from the information you provide, it seems that:
- the two of you have had an onging, intense communication for a few months
- you think he is obliged to keep up with this
- he has informed you that he has a job and two teens that keep him busy
- you have not told him that the change in communication bothers you and what it means to you

I had a talk with my SO on a similar matter after a few months. It turned out he was super busy studying for exams. Also, I realized I had not been explicit about what I expected from him (neither had he by the way). Turned out he was relived that I said I was ok with slowing down communication as long as there was a rythm to it. He was also charmed by my hysteria over this (it is his favourite thing in the world to be needed).

Talk to him if you have his phone, if not write. Perhaps it is time to change something i the ways you engage. Have you Skyped? Do you know him on social media? There are many ways to stay in touch.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

As others have said, talk to your partner about how you feel. I was in a similar situation, my SO is not the greatest texter, I thought I could handle it, but it really wore on me. After dealing w/some friend stress and him forgetting to call me, I told him how I felt. I didn't demand or accuse, just told him how the lack of communication was stressing me out. The communication has gotten a lot better and I am glad he is actually making an effort.

In my previous relationship, I told my ex how I felt when he was taking me for granted. His reaction ranged from telling me I was overanalyzing to genuine concern. His behavior would improve for a week or 2 and go back to exactly the same thing. What I am trying to say is, do talk your SO, but def don't keep telling your partner the same thing over and over. If your SO cares about you, they will make an effort, if not then maybe its time to move on.