Is the distance ever going to end?

[RM16erc]

Hi everyone this is my first post, wanting some advice from people in a similar situation?

My bf and I have been together for 4.5 years, doing long distance for 3.5 years. We met and school then were apart when we went to Uni 245 miles apart (may not seen much but due to our course we only saw each other every 8-10 weeks for a weekend).

The dream was always to move in once uni was over BUT he got a job where he was and it was a great opportunity and so moving in was pushed back by 2 months. They then extended his contract so it was pushed back another 5 months. They have now offered him a job in New Zealand for 6-9 months. It's such an amazing opportunity but does mean that things will only get harder for us and that we won't move in together for another 9 months or so.

I just constantly feel left behind, almost just like an idiot sitting and constantly waiting and nothing ever happens? I also suffer with anxiety a lot which haha does not help the situation!

Loads of my friends have said you're so young why are you tying yourself to all these commitments, but he's been my best friend for 9 years and we've been together for 4.5 years and I really do love him. I know it's really selfish, but it's like can I actually cope with him being on the other side of the world with a 13 hour time difference, knowing I can't really afford to travel that far more than once and that's if I can get the time off...?

I want to be with him so much but just not in this current situation cause I'm really struggling to emotionally and mentally cope with it....

Sorry that is a massive post but any advice would be amazing - thank you x

[Rezie]

I hear ya sister (or brother if that's the case)! I'm in a similar type situation. I don't really have words of advise other than evaluate your own terms concerning relocation and what you wish from him. Ask him to do the same. Then see if they match and is there a compromise.

[hmrambling]

Why does it matter what your friends say? What matters is how you feel and what you want. Sit down and evaluate what you want and how long you are willing to have distance between you and your SO. Some of the top books suggest that couples set a date to close the distance. Put some timeframe out there.

I personally do have have a date set, but we've talked about the future and each agreed that we both are not willing to travel forever. There is an end in sight, and it is not acceptable to either of us for our relationship to be long distance indefinitely. If ya'll haven't had these talks, I would encourage you to do so.

[differentcountries]

Hi We have dated more than 3 years, all of it long distance.

I don't have anxitey, but being away from your loved one for a long time can put anyone on edge. It used to be that I worked part time (rest I was on sick leave/trying to pick up my studies) and pooled money to visit him a lot, he would have time off in off season and otherwise I could stay at his job a lot. Now I work full time, to I have less time to travel (I have to bring my work when I travel, too) and less money because I still have bills from the times of frequent visiting. He has finished his education and have gotten a 2nd manager job which means he has a lot of responsability - he works a more complicated shift and he has his own loans to take care of. We see each other a lot less and often we are too tired to Skype (plus his shift ends at 2 in the morning, which now is my midnight, but I have a hard time sleeping after we Skype).

It hurts. I guess that is my method - I know it hurts. I know the pain needs to come out somehow. Sometimes I bury myself in work. Sometimes I cry. SO recently started to send me small videos, and it tears me up to have a "mini version" of him close by. I really love him, otherwise I would not be doing it.

I try to not wait, but live my life. I sometimes think of it like when he eventually moves here - which is our plan - I can't just sit around and do nothing; I have to create a good life for myself, because that is the life he will be part of when he comes. He needs me to live a good life - for me, for him and us. I think about it; I just bought a new fridge, I thought about if he would like that. I save money, for instance by buying really cheap toothpaste or by not buying something I want, I imagine him being there and telling me what great housewife skills I have. I listen to Turkish music and imagine myself being there, but I also go to Norwegian concerts - I listed to my dad singing Christmas carols two days ago - and once my cold is over I will start to work out. I like to send pics of what I do, small snippets, he has too sent med pics from his daily life ever since he got a smart phone.

I too don't know exactly where we will be 1 year from now. I just know that whatever plans we want, we need money to make them happen. I have seen people jumping rooftops to stay together and it is very hard when you dont have the means. Internationally there are also often financial requirements that you need to fill, even if you are married.

I just think of it as a huge puzzle where you have to find all the missing pieces. I try to not think about the end result, but the small victories along the way - to me those are visits to him, and in time me visiting his family (has only happen 2 times) and him visiting here (he only had one visit). I imagine our future being living in the same country, but travelling a lot - we have talked about eventually buying (or long term renting) a house in his current city. The reason he works in the city is because it is beautiful and he has many friends there, I imagine we would still visit a lot even if we close the distance. I have noticed that the Norwegian lesson book I bought for him is lying around, like he started to read up on it. I think both of us are taking lots of baby steps to be where we want to be. We talk about money, kids, visas... Nothing is decided, but we know we want to be together. We need to do all the things that we can, to make that happen.

[RM16erc]

Why does it matter what your friends say? What matters is how you feel and what you want. Sit down and evaluate what you want and how long you are willing to have distance between you and your SO. Some of the top books suggest that couples set a date to close the distance. Put some timeframe out there.

I personally do have have a date set, but we've talked about the future and each agreed that we both are not willing to travel forever. There is an end in sight, and it is not acceptable to either of us for our relationship to be long distance indefinitely. If ya'll haven't had these talks, I would encourage you to do so.

Hey! Thanks for your message! We had this conversation a long time ago and the date was October 2016, but due to these work opportunities it was pushed back to February 2017 and now he's off to New Zealand? If we were moving in together as planned in February I wouldn't have any of these feelings.

I know I shouldn't just listen to my friends but we've been best friends since I was 11 and they know me inside out. But their point about committing myself when I'm so young (21) I can understand in a sense?

[RM16erc]

Hey Rezie! Haha definitely sister here! I have thought about moving with him but he is only going for 6-9 months and I've just started my new job a couple of months ago which I can't easily leave

I know it sounds pathetic but I just want a normal bog standard relationship now where I'm not constantly saving for visits, or going weeks and months without seeing each other hahaha I think I'm just tired, stressed and fed up of it all! I know he is too but because he has all these opportunities he's got things to look forward to but I'm waiting x

[hmrambling]

I know I shouldn't just listen to my friends but we've been best friends since I was 11 and they know me inside out.

Of course you want to listen to your friends. However, hearing what they have to say does not mean that you have to do what they suggest. Take what you like and leave the rest. Take what they say into consideration, but don't allow what they say to dictate what you do or why you do it.

[xxcazaxx]

I just want a normal bog standard relationship now where I'm not constantly saving for visits, or going weeks and months without seeing each other hahaha

With you on this one, but defo want my OH xx

[SailorRei]

I feel you... My bf just got a rejection letter after last round of interviews in company in my country. We could have closed the distance by next month, but it all vanished with simple "We regret to inform you that we chose to go with other candidate"
It feels like we're both starting our carriers in different countries, and it would be ages before we can be together. Like any normal couple

[Rezie]

I feel you... My bf just got a rejection letter after last round of interviews in company in my country. We could have closed the distance by next month, but it all vanished with simple "We regret to inform you that we chose to go with other candidate"
It feels like we're both starting our carriers in different countries, and it would be ages before we can be together. Like any normal couple

Yep. Sounds familiar. And I'm at a point where I feel like we are building individual lives where there is no room for our relationship.

To the op: I think we all want that relationship that doesnt involve planning. I might sound negative here but if you are done with the distance and it's making you miserable you need to set a date that is your last point. Wether it is after he arrives from NZ or later so you know what you are working with. If it's more to do with your friends the leave them be. I the mean time build you own life, meet people and et a hobby. Don't juse waste your life waiting!

[Chris516]

Hi everyone this is my first post, wanting some advice from people in a similar situation?

My bf and I have been together for 4.5 years, doing long distance for 3.5 years. We met and school then were apart when we went to Uni 245 miles apart (may not seen much but due to our course we only saw each other every 8-10 weeks for a weekend).

The dream was always to move in once uni was over BUT he got a job where he was and it was a great opportunity and so moving in was pushed back by 2 months. They then extended his contract so it was pushed back another 5 months. They have now offered him a job in New Zealand for 6-9 months. It's such an amazing opportunity but does mean that things will only get harder for us and that we won't move in together for another 9 months or so.

I just constantly feel left behind, almost just like an idiot sitting and constantly waiting and nothing ever happens? I also suffer with anxiety a lot which haha does not help the situation!

Loads of my friends have said you're so young why are you tying yourself to all these commitments, but he's been my best friend for 9 years and we've been together for 4.5 years and I really do love him. I know it's really selfish, but it's like can I actually cope with him being on the other side of the world with a 13 hour time difference, knowing I can't really afford to travel that far more than once and that's if I can get the time off...?

I want to be with him so much but just not in this current situation cause I'm really struggling to emotionally and mentally cope with it....

Sorry that is a massive post but any advice would be amazing - thank you x

What matters is, how you feel about being committed to him. Not what your friends' feel about your being committed to him.

Your friends' sound like the want you to 'play the field' before being committed. Again, It is up to you, not your friends'.

[RM16erc]

I feel you... My bf just got a rejection letter after last round of interviews in company in my country. We could have closed the distance by next month, but it all vanished with simple "We regret to inform you that we chose to go with other candidate"
It feels like we're both starting our carriers in different countries, and it would be ages before we can be together. Like any normal couple

Aww I'm sorry you're dealing with that, it's so frustrating! I think that is the main point like you want to be with them so so much but at the same time you get so angry and upset about the situation?

[RM16erc]

I think we all want that relationship that doesnt involve planning. I might sound negative here but if you are done with the distance and it's making you miserable you need to set a date that is your last point. Wether it is after he arrives from NZ or later so you know what you are working with. If it's more to do with your friends the leave them be. I the mean time build you own life, meet people and et a hobby. Don't juse waste your life waiting!

I think you're right...just deciding when I guess! I just don't want to hold him back from these opportunities? We were talking ages ago and he said "I won't go if you don't want me to" but that is not who I am, I don't wanna be that person who holds him back? Really want to join a club or society or something, but doing hospital shift work is making it difficult because I can't commit to things? Guess it's about finding the right thing

[Rezie]

I think you're right...just deciding when I guess! I just don't want to hold him back from these opportunities? We were talking ages ago and he said "I won't go if you don't want me to" but that is not who I am, I don't wanna be that person who holds him back? Really want to join a club or society or something, but doing hospital shift work is making it difficult because I can't commit to things? Guess it's about finding the right thing

I hste it when people do that abd im glad you are not going with it. It's not your decision to make. You can say what you think but you don't have the right to tell him what to do. He needs to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. You stopping hI'm wold make thinge worst.. So welldone for not taking the bait 😊

Shift work is difficult but you just need to find your thing. Can you affect your shifts? Like you don't work evenings on Wednesdays etc. What do you like sports,art,food? In the summer I got sick of living from holiday to holiday and how I would see my bf. Everytime I had a thought "maybe someday Ill do that" or "that sounds cool" I wrote it down and decided to do it whenever there was the opportunity. A lot of these things were close to home but I just hadn't gotten around to it. I went to vinyard (terrible wine, our climate is not for that), tried crossfit, went to the over priced Michelin star restaurant. Some with friends and some on my own but at least I wasn't texting at home. Hope this gives you ideas 😊

[RM16erc]

I hste it when people do that abd im glad you are not going with it. It's not your decision to make. You can say what you think but you don't have the right to tell him what to do. He needs to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. You stopping hI'm wold make thinge worst.. So welldone for not taking the bait 😊

Shift work is difficult but you just need to find your thing. Can you affect your shifts? Like you don't work evenings on Wednesdays etc. What do you like sports,art,food? In the summer I got sick of living from holiday to holiday and how I would see my bf. Everytime I had a thought "maybe someday Ill do that" or "that sounds cool" I wrote it down and decided to do it whenever there was the opportunity. A lot of these things were close to home but I just hadn't gotten around to it. I went to vinyard (terrible wine, our climate is not for that), tried crossfit, went to the over priced Michelin star restaurant. Some with friends and some on my own but at least I wasn't texting at home. Hope this gives you ideas 😊

Thanks! Haha I was so skeptical about posting on here but it's genuinely made me feel so much better talking to people in a similar situation - so thanks everyone!