I need advice

[Nox]

So my boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for about a year now. We've met in person for a couple of short trips and I am planning to go visit him again soonish. He's 21 and I'm 24 and he works while I am a college student. We met through online gaming and have been pretty darn happy for the most part, but there are some seriously critical issues that we can't seem to get beyond. Okay so he's pretty much into gaming in all his free time which is pretty much fine with me cause I like gaming too and it's a really good thing for us to be actively involved in together. However... I'm not the only person he games with. But here's the problem. His friends, his best friend especially, give him crap when he spends most of his time with me. They rag on him about "asking permission" to go game with them instead of me and throw these temper tantrums when he declines. Then sometimes when he's off with them I get lonely and upset and rag on him because it really feels like he doesn't care and we have this ebb and flow week-to-week where there's always someone ticked off at him and I HATE.... Absolutely DESPISE being part of the reason. I know I am pretty clingy and controlling and I am really trying to get a handle on that because I don't want him stressed and me upset all the time and it really does seem that we have these problems frequently now. They want him ALL the time, and I want him ALL the time, and it causes fights, but at least I am willing to try to let go as much as I can so that he can actually be happy, and I think he's going to try to make me more of a priority too (so we are trying to work on it), but that doesn't stop him from getting crap from the third side constantly. It feels exactly like he has a second girlfriend that's how bad it is.

Let me give a specific example. So yesterday he was off of work for the holiday and sometime in the afternoon we were both online. He offered to skype, but he was going to have to go to dinner later so it would be talk, leave for dinner, and talk again cause we had plans for the night. I saw his friend was online too and figured he was probably getting asked to play, so I told him no that's okay you go do your thing and we will have time when you get back later. Worked out fine I think. He gets back from dinner and I ended up just watching and cheering him on while he played something that I don't play which was just fine. Not always the most entertaining thing, but I love feeling like I am apart of the things he's doing. Then.... The invites start. And I can see his screen and I caught some glimpses of the chatting they were doing (not spying since he knew I was watching) and that's when the snarky crap started. I think it was something along the lines of "do you want to duo or do you need to ask for permission?" And it always goes the same way. I'll be watching, he'll invite them to join his game, then they once again throw a tantrum cause he isn't voice chatting them. I really don't know if he wanted to go talk to them, but I didn't really get that feeling. I dunno. Anyway, I think he gets this crap pretty much every single day.

So now I am sitting here trying to figure out how and what I can do later to give him time with his friends and still get some of my own time, but I know if he's with me then he'll be in trouble for that. I really really need someone to give me some advice!

Edit: I realize I wasn't very clear on what I was asking for. I would like to know if I should just keep giving up more and more time to make it easier on him, but end up making myself more and more sad. Should I finally just confront the friend? I know I have some unhealthy expectations and habits and I am trying to keep that in mind and work on being better, but is this friendship he has healthy either? Thank you in advance

[Desthro]

Sounds like he needs new friends to game with. :/ If they are really that jealous of him spending time with you, and give him shit for it, they aren't very good friends now are they?

[Nox]

Well that's generally how I feel, but they've been friends since highschool. Before he had a girlfriend he could just devote all his time to them. Now I do think he wants more time with me and less with them (maybe he doesn't though deep down), but it's such a strain on him when they do this. I can't make him stop being friends with anyone nor would I want to, but what CAN I do besides try to talk it over AGAIN with him?

[R&R]

Honestly, it's not uncommon for guys to pick on their friends like that. Before the internet, before gaming - it happened then too. I remember hearing comments like this back when I was in high school, and that was in the late 80's. Just this year, my daughters and I got matching PJ's for Christmas and had picked out matching PJ bottoms for my SO to wear. His friends gave him such a hard time about it and he responded by telling them if it made me happy, he was good with it. We're 46 (and married) and the guys still give jabs.

He's an adult. If it's bothering him that his friends are teasing him like this, then it's up to him to say something to them. If it's not bothering him, then don't let it bother you. We have to trust in our partners that they can handle things for themselves with their friends and they don't need us for everything. If he asks for your assistance or for advice, then go ahead. Other than that, let it go.

[Nox]

I understand what you're saying like when guys say their friend is whipped or whatever. But there is a fine line between even that kind of teasing and actually being jealous and angry because your friend is spending time with his SO. It's just that I could give up every single minute, and he'd still be mad if I was around when he wanted to do something. That's how I feel anyway. And yeah BF could try to set him straight, but he won't and it causes problems between us. It's just this constant game of tug-of-war and if I try to be the mature one who doesn't cause problems then I'm not given the same respect in return. My feelings and wants and needs get stepped on and then... The cycle continues.

[R&R]

But just because that's how you feel doesn't mean that is how it is. Again, if he's okay with the jabs from his friend and he's not seeing at as a big deal, then why are you making it one? Is he spending less time with you? Does he make you feel bad because he's not spending more time with you instead of his friend?

[Nox]

He's told me that it does bother him yes. If he spends less time with me he feels guilty and if he spends less time with them he feels guilty. And yes I have a tendency to feel hurt when it has been a long time since we got to hang out, but like I said I am going to try not to let it bother me so much. He even referred to it one day as feeling like he's on a leash. It's really not about the quantity though, I would like to feel like he actually wants to be with me and not off doing whatever. It gets really really complicated from there.

The root of this generally though that even trying to juggle both is such a freaking chore for him and stressful, which isn't how a relationship should be. Does that make sense?
..

[R&R]

Then he needs to be able to say to you, "tonight I'm gaming w/XX and so I'll be busy" and you be okay with that. He also needs to be able to say to his friends, "Tonight I'm spending time w/XX and so I'll catch up with you tomorrow". He's an adult and needs to understand that it's okay to set boundries with the people in his life so that he's not feeling such a tug-of-war.

[differentcountries]

He has to set boundries either through words or through practical measures. Can he show himself as offline to others when he talks to you?