getting married versus not getting married

[littlewingxx]

I think it ultimately comes down to the people involved. I was engaged previously to my ex; we were together almost ten years and lived together for eight. I didn't want to get married, but I buckled under pressure and fear of losing my ex, and we got engaged. Every time he talked about wedding stuff, I'd just feel this awful knot in my stomach and I knew I couldn't go ahead with it. We broke up about six months later as the gravity of the situation began to really sink in and I knew I couldn't go on with it.

However, when I met my SO, everything felt just totally different. We connect with each other on a level I didn't think was possible, and we are so on the same wavelength as each other that it was overwhelming to begin with. We just fit each other. When he proposed to me, I said yes without a moments hesitation. It felt different. Obviously us being able to close the distance is our ultimate goal, and getting married is really the only way we can do that but it's also what feels totally right to us. So I think it depends entirely on the people involved. I realise in LDR's that marriage is often the 'simplest', most obvious way to close the distance, but I personally would never go down this route if I was unsure or had any hesitation. I'm a big one for listening to your gut. I'm in no way religious, but to me marriage is a huge commitment and something that in my eyes, should never be entered into half-heartedly.

[sasad]

My SO is adamant about us getting married... which is a total 360 of how he used to think... My work allows bennies with long term partners so that works, but he wants me to use his last name and is just getting danged old fashion... I didn't want to remarry, but it just feels right

[JeanJean]

I have always thought that being married is important, it is a sign of commitment.
You can choose to live with anyone, but being married takes it to another level.

My SO however does not believe in marriage. He was married once before and felt that it was a huge mistake.

We discussed this early on in the relationship and we decided to wait and see how things go. I am not going to stress over marriage or not and just enjoy what we have now.

[sasad]

Not getting married. Ultimately leaves a father out in the cold. Because a father having to prove that they are a child's bio-dad. Can get messy in custody battles.

Like being married makes it just easier to prove.. NOT. I don't even understand what this has to do with anything.

[erwin1973]

My sister and her boyfriend have neen together for 20 years now. My sis would have loved to marry him, but he's afraid. Because everybody he know that got married (including me, except my parents) have been devorced. Now we do have a law in The Netherlands that can make an unmarried couple for law equal to a married couple. No, they have no children. They're both happy as it is.

Me, for myself, I love to get married to my gf. It would be my honor if she carries my name. Besides, she's Catholic, so she wants it may be even more then I do. But if I would have been in the same situation as my sister, and just live together without being married, I would have no objection.

After all: marriage is just a paper. You have to work as hard on your relationship when you're married as when you're not. Marriage gives no guarantees.

[Sparkling72]

Many truths here! I was married for 20 yrs and got divorced. Some would say that I have proven the point that marriages don't last and there's no reason to get married. I don't agree with that sentiment, and I still believe in marriage. Marriages fail for a vast number of reasons. My parents have been married for almost 47 years because they have both worked at it. Others have lived together without a formal marriage for just as many years for the same reason, both worked at it. There are many legal perks to getting married, especially here in the US, so there is value from that perspective. For me personally... it's too soon to say how I would feel if he asked me to marry him, but I do know he is the only one I want and the only one I could ever see myself with.

[kittyo9]

International relationships kind of add an element to the "married or not married" debate... For some couples, getting married is a legal necessity to closing the distance, which I have always been disappointed in since, depending on which countries you are from, it can be very difficult to see your SO while unmarried, since an SO counts as a "tie" to a country and can lead to visa denials. Tough stuff! When I was seeing my ex SO (from Perú), even my mom suggested we just get married to make things easier after we'd been together for nearly 4 years (and my mom doesn't take marriage lightly).

But all in all, I would want to get married if it's pretty clear that we're in it for life, both for legal reasons and the significance of a commitment like that.

[sasad]

Many truths here! I was married for 20 yrs and got divorced. Some would say that I have proven the point that marriages don't last and there's no reason to get married. I don't agree with that sentiment, and I still believe in marriage. Marriages fail for a vast number of reasons. My parents have been married for almost 47 years because they have both worked at it. Others have lived together without a formal marriage for just as many years for the same reason, both worked at it. There are many legal perks to getting married, especially here in the US, so there is value from that perspective. For me personally... it's too soon to say how I would feel if he asked me to marry him, but I do know he is the only one I want and the only one I could ever see myself with.

YAY!! My parents are on 56 years together! You are right.. They worked on it together.

[C.C.]

I won't consider the legal aspect, because it's different in every country and I could make a different choice solely based on it.

So, relationship wise, getting married legally and living together 'as a family' are the same for me. The later doesn't mean neither living together stage which comes before marriage nor having kids necessarily. I just don't know what else to call it, being like a married couple without necessarily marrying?
On the other hand, I like marriage as a tradition that I am glad is kept and as a beautiful ritual. It has a spiritual meaning to me and sharing vows is a beautiful process that would signify my own relationship.

Basically, getting married doesn't mean commitment to me but would signify my already existent commitment to the "world" (which doesn't necessarily mean society).

[snow]

I always wanted to get married before 25. I always wanted to have a husband and be a wife, that's something that has always been a priority for me. That's most likely because I grew up in a very old-fashioned polish family where the girls have to marry someone worthy and become a housewife and take care of their husbands.
Even though I would have wished we could have closed the distance in a different way - I looked into every single visa option for me - but I wasn't really upset that we had to get married to be together.

I think, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if people do not want to get married, eh it's not really my place to judge. I enjoy being married, it somehow makes me feel closer to my husband in a way, but that doesn't mean that couples who don't get married aren't just as committed.

[Chris516]

Many truths here! I was married for 20 yrs and got divorced. Some would say that I have proven the point that marriages don't last and there's no reason to get married. I don't agree with that sentiment, and I still believe in marriage. Marriages fail for a vast number of reasons. My parents have been married for almost 47 years because they have both worked at it. Others have lived together without a formal marriage for just as many years for the same reason, both worked at it. There are many legal perks to getting married, especially here in the US, so there is value from that perspective. For me personally... it's too soon to say how I would feel if he asked me to marry him, but I do know he is the only one I want and the only one I could ever see myself with.

You spoke volumes here!!!

I was married for 8yrs.. My (ex)wife left me, but then she was begging me not to divorce her. I tried working on the marriage. But to my (ex)wife, marriage counseling was over her head mentally. My (ex)fiance n' I lived together four years. But I also knew what behaviors' to expect from her. Because she told me what her mental health was. My (ex)wife(and her parents') refused to admit she had any health issues. Even though, they were blatantly obvious to me.

Do I still believe in the institution of marriage. I will say that I prefer it over living together. But it isn't absolute.

[ChloChlo]

In my province, once a couple lives together for a period of time - 3 years without children or one year with a child - they are considered "common law married", exactly like people who did the whole church and paperwork shebang, and if they split up it would be just as complicated as if they had been formally married. The law even covers that if one partner dies and explicitly tries to exclude their common law spouse from their will, they will override the will and give the living spouse their fair share of the estate. So the married vs "shacked up" argument is kind of null here. I guess it's down to personal choice and if you want a ring and a party.

I never thought I'd get married, so I never really thought about it. I assumed I would live with someone first before considering marriage, but if I want to be with my SO, it will be the only way we can stay together. Because it's a requirement for the relationship, I don't get all freaked out over it as I perhaps should... like, it's a technicality, only. If you're devoted to someone you don't really need a judge to tell you your love is legit - but maybe my opinion is coloured by my province's penchant for shacking up I've told him, we can go down to the courthouse in jeans and do it, I don't care. I guess I'm not much of a romantic! lol