If your SO said this, would you trust him/her thereafter?

[Taki]

My BF and I have been dating for 6 months (4.5 we were actually together, 1.5 months LDR). I have always trusted him and in truth there has never been any reason not to. I really like this guy and always considered our bond to be deep and sincere. Recently though we were having a random conversation and to cut a long story short, the question of "if an ex contacted you, would you think it necessary to tell your current partner about it" and bot of us were of the opinion that it's not essential. That's not what bothers me at all. I don't have jealousy issues and a short conversation with an ex from time to time doesn't really bother me at all.

What bothered me was this: he said that in a hypothetical situation (and don't ask me how we got to this topic because the nature of our conversations are such that we tend to talk literally EVERYthing...lol) where, if I were a jealous gf, and if I insisted that he should tell me every time an ex contacted him and the details of the conversation, what he would do was to agree with me that he'd tell me, but in reality when that happened that he wouldn't because "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" and because he knows himself and he knows that he won't cheat emotionally or physically, he doesn't see the need to leave room for drama.

This honestly shook me because I felt it was dishonest and unfair. If I were that type of gf, regardless of the fact that I may be jealous and controlling I think an honest partner's response would be to frankly say "hey I can't agree to that because I feel like that is overly controlling" and then allow the gf to make the choice as to whether the relationship works for her or not. Because promising to do one thing and then doing something else in an underhand manner is a surefire way- if the other partner ever finds out even by accident- to destroy all trust altogether. Why promise something (that you know is important to your partner) knowing that you're not going to do it? Why not be honest from the start that that's something you're not comfortable doing?

Now it has made me question every single thing he's said and done. Like what if, all this time he's just been saying and doing things that he thinks I want to hear?

On the other hand from what I've seen of his actions, and other conversations, he seemed to be very honest and genuine and he's told me the truth about many things. So I honestly don't know what to think. How would you feel about this situation if it were you?

[sasad]

Are you a jealous ex gf? If not, it's all hypothetical so let it go. Stop looking for the bad things. So you want to break up with him? Cuz if you do, you are heading down the right path tbh.

[Taki]

Are you a jealous ex gf? If not, it's all hypothetical so let it go. Stop looking for the bad things. So you want to break up with him? Cuz if you do, you are heading down the right path tbh.

I am not. I'm actually pretty chill about friends of the opposite sex, contact with exes all that because I don't tolerate a controlling partner either. But are you saying that if this came up in conversation you wouldn't AT ALL wonder if he's capable of that dishonesty, then when it comes to an issue that ACTUALLY matters to me, will he say one thing and do one thing?

[R&R]

Dating is about getting to know the other person. In the course of learning about the other, you may find things that you can't agree with in the relationship. Sometimes it's not a big deal and other times it's a complete deal breaker. Only you can decide how big of a deal this is to you personally.

Maybe you should have another conversation about this with him regarding what he feels must be communicated in a relationship and things that he doesn't feel are necessary. Telll your SO what you put in this about honesty or telling you if he's not comfortable sharing certain things.

[Taki]

Dating is about getting to know the other person. In the course of learning about the other, you may find things that you can't agree with in the relationship. Sometimes it's not a big deal and other times it's a complete deal breaker. Only you can decide how big of a deal this is to you personally.

Maybe you should have another conversation about this with him regarding what he feels must be communicated in a relationship and things that he doesn't feel are necessary. Telll your SO what you put in this about honesty or telling you if he's not comfortable sharing certain things.

Dating is about getting to know the other person. In the course of learning about the other, you may find things that you can't agree with in the relationship. Sometimes it's not a big deal and other times it's a complete deal breaker. Only you can decide how big of a deal this is to you personally.

Maybe you should have another conversation about this with him regarding what he feels must be communicated in a relationship and things that he doesn't feel are necessary. Telll your SO what you put in this about honesty or telling you if he's not comfortable sharing certain things.

May I ask how you would feel if this happened to you? I'm trying to see outside of my box and put this in perspective if possible. For me, what he said seems not just slightly dishonest but very dishonest. I did speak to him about it afterwards and told him, lets be on the same page about one thing- If I make a request from you that you can't or don't want to do, just tell me outright that you can't/won't and I'll do the same for you. But saying one thing and doing another is something that personally makes me lose trust in my partner's word. He said ok to this. But it still bothers me that in the first place he thought it was an acceptable thing to do. I don't know if I'm just in the habit of being overly direct or what but if my partner made a request from me that I felt was intrusive like asking me to promise I'd let him know whenever an ex sent me a random "how you doing " message, I wouldn't just agree to tell him to keep the peace and surreptitiously hide it from him later on because THAT'S a betrayal of trust- not the contact with an ex, but promising one thing that you knew from the start you were going to break. I would simply tell him from the start I'm not comfortable with doing this and then let him make a decision at that point. Either to accept the fact that I won't tell him, or if its such a big deal enough to be a deal breaker, to let him end the relationship then. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm having a hard time grasping whether a person who is honest could even THINK that this is an acceptable thing to do. And that's why I desperately need other people's opinion on this. I grew up in an environment where compulsive lying was the norm. As a reaction to that, I am almost obsessively truthful. So I need to know whether I am just being overly critical and whether a reasonably honest person would still think what he said is ok, or whether it seems like a dishonest red flag to a good majority of society

[Honour]

Something along the lines of "exes" occurred between me and my SO just over a month ago. My first real relationship lasted on and off for 3 years, and the guy also came from Arizona. Back and forth over the years, we've had a rather intense if difficult friendship. We'd not spoken until a month ago for almost a year, and it was because things went really bad, he upset me big time, and I've never felt myself and my trust being betrayed so much as they were by him. I gave him a chance, however, to explain what went wrong, and I decided (probably against my better judgement, but I can never hold a grudge for long) that I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and see if we could stay as friends this time, for good. I gave him the chance because in all honesty, he's someone I KNOW is a good person inside but often lets stupidity clouds his judgement Within 5 minutes of me finishing a Skype call with my ex, I told my SO all about it.

Why? Because I've tried, however difficult it may be at times, to always be honest with him. I've been with my SO for almost 2 years, and I'm still constantly learning about him. That's what it's like being in a relationship, I've learned, and I continue to learn as we go. So does he. And so do you. This is all hypothetically speaking, it's not like it's ACTUALLY happened. I think you're overreacting somewhat, but that's just me. There's a difference between what you/he WILL do and what you/he MIGHT do in any given situation. Circumstances dictate that your/his reactions to things will probably alter somewhere along the line. Remember to be as honest as you can be, however. If this upset you/bugs you this much, you may want to have another conversation with your SO about it.

[Rezie]

So is the actual worry that he won't tell if an ex messages him. Or that on other subjects he would say things just because he thinks it is what you want to hear? If it is the later one then talk with him and don't use ex partners as an example. That always rubs off weirdly in relationships. Could easily be that it was just a random remark he didn't think much about. Promising something and then not delivering it is not right. Depending on the subject if it is a flat out betrayal is a bit debatable in my opinion sometimes påeople do white lies to keep the peace.

If this is actually about exes then that's a different thing. Htat varies according to couples. Some want to know what is goign on and some doesnt. We never talk about our exes with my partner and I don't know if he is in contact with any of them. He doesn't know or care about mine. Well I do know about his one ex since she went to uni with me that was quite random since we are an international coule. Funny thing is that on my birthday in february the first people to send me a happy birth day were 2 exces and my best friends husband. Then came my boyfriend and my best friend. The thought of telling my BF didnn't cross my mind People have very different experiences about this and if someone has experienced a jelous girlfriend previously they might have learned to avoid conflict.

[Taki]

So is the actual worry that he won't tell if an ex messages him. Or that on other subjects he would say things just because he thinks it is what you want to hear?

It's the latter. I know he's fb friends with a couple of his exes and he has casually mentioned once or twice about a message one had sent and honestly I'm fine with them being fb friends and even dropping a message here and there (even him initiating) to say hi. What bothers me is the fact that he thinks its ok to promise one thing knowing FULL WELL even when making the promise that he's going to be breaking it.

The mere fact that he thinks it's ok to make a promise on a subject that is important to his SO never intending to keep it makes me question his level of honesty and integrity. I did speak to him and I told him if I make a request that he doesn't want to do, tell me outright. Don't just promise at that point to get it over with only to never actually keep the promise. He said ok. But because of what he said before I find it hard to trust the "ok" too. Because what if this is also one such instance where he just agreed. I NEVER distrusted his word before all this. Because I always believed that just like for me, his word is valuable to him. I personally NEVER make promises I can't or won't keep. And if I make one, unless I absolutely can't, I do my level best to keep my word at all costs. I always thought we were on the same page about this and now I don't know what to think. I can't go on and on asking him like a woman obsessed. But once he said that it made me feel like he didn't value his word that much and now I can't trust his word either.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Maybe i'm the only one who feels like this but to me this really really isn't a big deal at all. If an ex contacted me i wouldn't make a big deal out of it, even i did tell me so i would be like oh yeah this person messaged me the other day kinda weird but yeah. I know people really over react to things like this though, like I acted a girl who was super controlling and like i mentioned my ex (who really was just a guy who i talked to online who said he was my boyfriend when i was like 11) messaged me and we just had a nice catch up chat. I told me gf at the time about it and she went crazy, demanding to see the messages and accusing me of cheating simply because i'd replied to his message.

The real question here is why are you so scared of an ex messaging your SO and him not telling you? Are you scared he's going to cheat, scared he's going to pick her over you suddenly. As others have said, he could have just had a jealous girlfriend before and earned to keep his mouth shut about little stuff, and honestly your reaction is making it look like that's the course of action he'd need to take as he obviously doesn't want to upset you.
Honesty is one thing, but if you know your honesty is going to upset someone you care about you don't do it.

[Taki]

The real question here is why are you so scared of an ex messaging your SO and him not telling you?

I'm not. Like I've said in previous posts, I'm perfectly fine with him maintaining friendships with exes. That's not my point of worry at all.

[Rezie]

It's the latter. I know he's fb friends with a couple of his exes and he has casually mentioned once or twice about a message one had sent and honestly I'm fine with them being fb friends and even dropping a message here and there (even him initiating) to say hi. What bothers me is the fact that he thinks its ok to promise one thing knowing FULL WELL even when making the promise that he's going to be breaking it.

The mere fact that he thinks it's ok to make a promise on a subject that is important to his SO never intending to keep it makes me question his level of honesty and integrity. I did speak to him and I told him if I make a request that he doesn't want to do, tell me outright. Don't just promise at that point to get it over with only to never actually keep the promise. He said ok. But because of what he said before I find it hard to trust the "ok" too. Because what if this is also one such instance where he just agreed. I NEVER distrusted his word before all this. Because I always believed that just like for me, his word is valuable to him. I personally NEVER make promises I can't or won't keep. And if I make one, unless I absolutely can't, I do my level best to keep my word at all costs. I always thought we were on the same page about this and now I don't know what to think. I can't go on and on asking him like a woman obsessed. But once he said that it made me feel like he didn't value his word that much and now I can't trust his word either.

If you feel about it this strongly you should tell him again in these words. SO that he truly understands that you are serious and it has made you distrust him. Then you can make a plan to how you can rebuilt your trust in him. Could be that he doens't think of it as a big deal when we are not talking about serious stuf.. Not saying he is right, but could be that you just have different views on this and he is not understanding you.

[Ejoriah]

I just came out of a relationship where things were kept from me because he "didn't think it was a big deal." He thought he could decide what was important to me or not and decided not to tell me things or to lie to me because he knew I would get upset. Therefore your SO's statement about promising to tell you but not actually telling you makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I find it insulting that someone promises one thing and then decides all by themselves what they will and will not tell you, robbing you of the agency of making your own decisions based on all the facts.

[Taki]

I find it insulting that someone promises one thing and then decides all by themselves what they will and will not tell you, robbing you of the agency of making your own decisions based on all the facts.

This. Exactly This. The exes thing was just an example. To reiterate to anyone reading, I do not have a problem with him maintaining friendships with exes and in fact I've told him it's not necessary to tell me every little detail of their contact. But what bothers me is when it comes to an issue that actually MATTERS to me, and if I tell him about it and ask something of him, he can at that point choose to agree or disagree. If he agrees and makes a promise, he needs to keep it. This is my point exactly. After making the promise, he cannot backtrack and decide "it's not a big deal".

[erwin1973]

@OP

I agree that nobody can tell you what is and what isn't important for you. If you hvae doubts, talk about it with him, see if the relationship (trust, that is) can be restrored if you feel that is possible.

I for myself, I do have an ex and we have a son together. Everytime I see my son, I see my ex (she's kind of very dominant and it's her way or the highway - so to see my son, I have to see my ex. Luckily I don't hate her, but that's all. Everytime I talk to my SO about meeting my son, I also talk about my ex - what happened, what has been said. She trusts me for the 100%.

And not only about my ex, but about everything. Money, for example. Or adult stuff... Any way, in my opinion only being honest brings you to the finish.

So, again, only you can decide if he is worth a try to restore your confidence in him. If so, talk about it with him.

Good luck.

[2Rocky]

What i got from the statement was that IF you were jealous or controlling, he WOULD feel it necessary to hide that detail.

Solution: be open and honest and it will be reciprocated.