LDR that I met online is pulling away and I feel like I'm losing control

[Rightsmach]

So there are 2 things that I have to say in this regard:

1) I notice a disparity between your apologies and hers. Yours are very comprehensive and detailed while hers are simply "I'm sorry" or something short like that. There is a possibility that after a few days, this might start to bother you. I'm only saying this because sometime back (and even now occasionally) stuff like this bothers me. Like you, I too tend to give detailed explanations, detailed apologies and to me, someone who did the same always seemed more genuine and heartfelt, whereas when people just gave short, baseless (as to how I saw it) apologies, I tended to question their sincerity. Questions like "does he/she REALLY mean it or are they just saying sorry because they feel like they have to say SOMEthing" and/ or disgruntled feelings like "Here I am taking FULL responsibility for my actions and taking this matter very seriously and it doesn't seem like they're taking it seriously at all. Why am I always the one digging so deep and accepting my faults whereas others don't seem to take their faults that seriously". If you start feeling like this, please remember (and it's a lesson I learned through much pain and heartbreak) people have differences in communication. Yes, in some instances there might be situations where a person's short, curt messages may REALLY mean that they're less sincere. But in some other instances it just may mean that you have different communication styles and she thinks laying down details of all her transgressions is unnecessary and all that's needed is an apology. This does not mean her apology itself is insincere. So carefully observe based within the context of her other behaviour.

2) Secondly, I saw some REALLY good advice on another post about a situation in some respects similar to yours. I'm going to copy paste it here. It was a long response so I've cut out unnecessary parts:

"ust stop talking about it with her. Not even briefly or casually. ... When you aren't having fun because things aren't going as you planned, she probably wasn't having fun because of that. When you couldn't see the good in a situation, she probably felt like she or your relationship weren't good enough for you. And then you'd want to talk about it and apologize. You are most likely mentally and emotionally exhausting her.

She probably needs space and you need to work on your insecurities on your own. You don't need to apologize, there's probably little you can do other than give into your insecurities. You can't just convince her with words or apologetic gestures. Like I said, she's probably feeling mentally exhausted over how insecure you've been acting. ...And imagine how much of a mood killer someone can be if they frequently bring up heavy topics when all you want to do is talk and spend time with them?"


I have been in this cycle too even as recently as with my current boyfriend. We were together for almost 5 months before taking it LDR and the closer it got to my leaving date, the more I felt like there was this "disconnect" and so I kept talking with him ABOUT the disconnect, trying and trying to get past it. He eventually said "look, we just need to do the fun stuff we used to do that actually MADE us connect, rather than going on talking ABOUT the disconnect" I realised what he said was true and started to apologize and he firmly told me, no more talk about the disconnect for a while, not even to apologise. And things improved dramatically after that. There are times when a fight and heartfelt apologies can bring two people closer together because you're both making yourself very vulnerable. But if it happens too much, it stops being a positive thing and simply becomes so heavy and wearisome. And whenever you apologise you may see it in the light of "hey I am being so self aware and truthful, surely she'll appreciate that about me" but she on the other hand may see it like "oh no, not ANOTHER serious, heavy depressing conversation" . It doesn't mean you never apologise or tackle serious stuff, but it's all about balance.

And read this, it helped me and I want to share it in case it helps

I understand your first point and it did occur to me and it was something I had an issue with before. But this makes sense as she's younger then I am (almost 10 years) and I'm actually more verbose. The last point you make was on my mind a lot. We just stopped doing fun things and partly because of this and partly because she pulled away to protect herself so I'm dialing back a lot to light topics and just trying to joke around and be supportive and letting her come to me when she wants to. Though I thought I needed to say my piece because of the way I opened up my apology. At the moment though this is all water under the bridge and as for the other guys I hope they knock themselves out of the race but if they don't oh well. Unfortunately today we just talked about her work because she worked a lot this week and just shared work memes and I just made a comment that she was a hard worker... idk it's just support and at this point I'm playing the long game.

[Taki]

I understand your first point and it did occur to me and it was something I had an issue with before. But this makes sense as she's younger then I am (almost 10 years) and I'm actually more verbose. The last point you make was on my mind a lot. We just stopped doing fun things and partly because of this and partly because she pulled away to protect herself so I'm dialing back a lot to light topics and just trying to joke around and be supportive and letting her come to me when she wants to. Though I thought I needed to say my piece because of the way I opened up my apology. At the moment though this is all water under the bridge and as for the other guys I hope they knock themselves out of the race but if they don't oh well. Unfortunately today we just talked about her work because she worked a lot this week and just shared work memes and I just made a comment that she was a hard worker... idk it's just support and at this point I'm playing the long game.

Yeah patience is key. During the initial month of LDR I stressed myself out thinking "we need to have fun like before or else he'll forget what a great connection we have" but then I realised that everything doesn't have to be solved in a day and usually a longish stretch of time without any heavy conversations and questions solves the issue.Plus give space so you can see if she takes the initiative too. Not like a test or anything (because that's super unhealthy and causes more grief than it's worth) but just give her space for her also to do stuff. For example during the first month, if my BF and I lets say texted one day morning and then finished the conversation and then if I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the whole day, the next day morning I'd text him asking how he's doing etc. When this happened many times, it started making me sad because it made me feel like I'm the one always initiating contact and I started questioning (in my head)whether he REALLY wants to talk to me or if he's just replying me because I initiated contact. So now I usually let it go and wait, and almost always he's exceeded my expectations. i.e. if I am looking forward to a good morning text, he'll end up giving me a short good morning phone call etc. And little by little we are settling into our unique rhythm of communication but it's a slow process that needs a solid foundation.

[Rightsmach]

Yeah patience is key. During the initial month of LDR I stressed myself out thinking "we need to have fun like before or else he'll forget what a great connection we have" but then I realised that everything doesn't have to be solved in a day and usually a longish stretch of time without any heavy conversations and questions solves the issue.Plus give space so you can see if she takes the initiative too. Not like a test or anything (because that's super unhealthy and causes more grief than it's worth) but just give her space for her also to do stuff. For example during the first month, if my BF and I lets say texted one day morning and then finished the conversation and then if I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the whole day, the next day morning I'd text him asking how he's doing etc. When this happened many times, it started making me sad because it made me feel like I'm the one always initiating contact and I started questioning (in my head)whether he REALLY wants to talk to me or if he's just replying me because I initiated contact. So now I usually let it go and wait, and almost always he's exceeded my expectations. i.e. if I am looking forward to a good morning text, he'll end up giving me a short good morning phone call etc. And little by little we are settling into our unique rhythm of communication but it's a slow process that needs a solid foundation.

I mean I don't really think we're together together because the agreement was see how our connection is in June which kind of means we're not doing anything and I think she's protecting her heart from more involvement until then as I am. At the moment I'm keeping it light and letting her initiate and maybe sending her a message like once a week to let her know I'm around. Our conversations aren't too big like last night it was literally like this:

Her: I'm so sore
Worked for 43 hours this week

Me:This is you right now (sends meme)

Her: More like this today (sends meme)

Me: (sends meme)
"When your boss asks you how you're doing halfway through your shift"

Her: Nah
Not like that

Me: How then?

Her: (sends same meme as before)


And like that

Me: (Sends meme)
You can't be tired from work if you skip the day

Her: Too bad days over

Me:why bad?

Her: Can't skip it that way

Me:Yeah.
You don't seem like the type to "call out of work" anyways.

Her: Nope
Never
Unless I'm really sick

Me: Yeah that's cool of you. You work hard.

Her:
Nini sweet dreams

Me:Sweet dreams

That's it and the only conversation we had all day. She liked some posts of mine on FB but that's it. Again I'm not doing much beyond contacting her like once a week. But atm things are up in the air a bit and all I can do is give her space, let the other dudes knock themselves out which I'm sure they will, and just keep it light and supportive until she opens up more.

[Rightsmach]

Yeah patience is key. During the initial month of LDR I stressed myself out thinking "we need to have fun like before or else he'll forget what a great connection we have" but then I realised that everything doesn't have to be solved in a day and usually a longish stretch of time without any heavy conversations and questions solves the issue.Plus give space so you can see if she takes the initiative too. Not like a test or anything (because that's super unhealthy and causes more grief than it's worth) but just give her space for her also to do stuff. For example during the first month, if my BF and I lets say texted one day morning and then finished the conversation and then if I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the whole day, the next day morning I'd text him asking how he's doing etc. When this happened many times, it started making me sad because it made me feel like I'm the one always initiating contact and I started questioning (in my head)whether he REALLY wants to talk to me or if he's just replying me because I initiated contact. So now I usually let it go and wait, and almost always he's exceeded my expectations. i.e. if I am looking forward to a good morning text, he'll end up giving me a short good morning phone call etc. And little by little we are settling into our unique rhythm of communication but it's a slow process that needs a solid foundation.

Also my brother said in his words: "She meant to say she thinks it isn't going to workout, but she is too immature to say so so she seemingly kept a door open."

Granted he has more relationship experience but he's also the one who fucked up 2 of his best relationships (one was long distance where he ditched the girl for an awful engagement), another out of neediness for a woman, got engaged with one who pretty much fucked his life up, and his current relationship is going ok but he is trying to get on his feet after that engagement. He's taken his best relationships for granted. Idk what to say because it sounds rational but at the same time this girl's response seemed rather uncommon with saying she wasn't ready to give up yet. That doesn't sound like a cookie cutter way to break things off. What do you think?

[Taki]

I mean I don't really think we're together together because the agreement was see how our connection is in June which kind of means we're not doing anything and I think she's protecting her heart from more involvement until then as I am. At the moment I'm keeping it light and letting her initiate and maybe sending her a message like once a week to let her know I'm around. Our conversations aren't too big like last night it was literally like this:

Her: I'm so sore
Worked for 43 hours this week

Me:This is you right now (sends meme)

Her: More like this today (sends meme)

Me: (sends meme)
"When your boss asks you how you're doing halfway through your shift"

Her: Nah
Not like that

Me: How then?

Her: (sends same meme as before)


And like that

Me: (Sends meme)
You can't be tired from work if you skip the day

Her: Too bad days over

Me:why bad?

Her: Can't skip it that way

Me:Yeah.
You don't seem like the type to "call out of work" anyways.

Her: Nope
Never
Unless I'm really sick

Me: Yeah that's cool of you. You work hard.

Her:
Nini sweet dreams

Me:Sweet dreams

That's it and the only conversation we had all day. She liked some posts of mine on FB but that's it. Again I'm not doing much beyond contacting her like once a week. But atm things are up in the air a bit and all I can do is give her space, let the other dudes knock themselves out which I'm sure they will, and just keep it light and supportive until she opens up more.

You know that seems like a pretty decent conversation to me, where both parties seem to be engaged and into it (sending of memes, telling of day to day stuff)...those are literally the conversations I have with my bf when we text (or even shorter to be honest). When we video call- which we do about twice a week- we talk for like 2-3 hours each call. But in between the calls our texting is kinda sparse.

So for example Sunday morning for him/ evening for me:

Him: hey I'm off to play pathfinder, you have a goodnight :*

Me (about an hour later): sent pic of a meme about the Facebook messenger kiss face (lol we both have a bit of a vulgar sense of humour and we have an inside joke that the messenger kiss face lips look like a ball sack :P)

Him: LMAO *laughing emoji* told you so!

Me (8 hours later next day-monday- morning): sends 2 more vulgar memes

Him: Haha! Good morning *kiss emoji* pathfinder was really boring today....and I'm still hanging up blinds. You know i hung up those bamboo blinds in my kitchen only to discover that at night you can see right through them.

(he recently bought a house and moved into it)

Me: bamboo blinds? you're such a hipster..lol. anyway, I'm gonna start work now. catch you later!

Him (9-10 hours later Monday evening for me/ morning for him): Hi. About to set off for work, hope you have a good evening *kiss emoji*

Me: sent cute pic of kittens in miniature beds

Him: the amount of cute in that pic is almost unbearable

So that (last night) was the last conversation we had. And now it's Tuesday morning for me. We'll probably have a phone conversation in a day or so. The only differences I see in my conversation with my bf and yours with this girl, are-
- the frequent exchange of kiss emojis
- the long video calls twice a week

and that's because my bf and I are in an established relationship. If you average it out, I'd say we only exchange about 2 text messages per 24 hours.

In the context of the 2 of you keeping in touch till June to see what happens, the text conversation you outlined above seems pretty successful to me!

Edit- my bf also has not liked a single post of mine in about a week which I never really noticed till you mentioned this girl liking a few of your posts...lol. I don't think I've liked more than 5 or 6 posts of his IN TOTAL during the entire 6 months we've dated..haha. That could also be because he's not really active on fb much and doesn't post stuff frequently. But still...lol

[sasad]

Ok. I'm gonna be the mean one here..
We just dont know what she is thinking or feeling. None of us here know her and know your communication styles. That being said, i dont think anyone can really say what's going on and how things appear to be going etc. This i something you no your SO need to figure out. Sure, we can give you suggestions or advice but honestly, we cant tell you what's going on from text conversations.
You are apprehensive no --almost grasping to get stuff the way you want it. That's not fair or right for you or your SO. Theses questions and concerns need to be addressed with HER.
I also know that a 10 year age difference is not always bad, but she is 21/221ish ? And you are 32. That's a big gap with maturity and life plans. She may not be ready to settle. Again, we dont know and.i dont think its fair for you or your relationship to have strangers try to tell you that this is going to be ok or not.
Sorry if its harsh...

[Taki]

You are apprehensive no re almost grasping to get stuff the way you want it. That's not fair or right for you or your SO.

I agree with this. You do seem a bit like you have an idea in your head of how conversations etc SHOULD go, and any deviation from that instantly makes you think it's the beginning of the end. One thing I do have to add to Sasad's post is that you have talked to her and she has in so many words told you that she does care about you ("I don't want to give up just yet", "you know I've always been there for you, and always will" etc) so is there a particular reason you cannot trust her word at face value that she does in fact care, and she does in fact wanna make it work if possible, instead of trying to dig deeper and play guess work as to what she MIGHT be feeling? I'm asking this because of what you said about what your brother said that she might just be saying stuff to have an out. These are all assumptions at this point. Your brother doesn't even know her, let alone know the deeper workings of her mind. So unless she has previously given you solid reason NOT to trust her word, I'd say take what she says at face value and don't try to assume stuff she never said.

[Rightsmach]

I agree with this. You do seem a bit like you have an idea in your head of how conversations etc SHOULD go, and any deviation from that instantly makes you think it's the beginning of the end. One thing I do have to add to Sasad's post is that you have talked to her and she has in so many words told you that she does care about you ("I don't want to give up just yet", "you know I've always been there for you, and always will" etc) so is there a particular reason you cannot trust her word at face value that she does in fact care, and she does in fact wanna make it work if possible, instead of trying to dig deeper and play guess work as to what she MIGHT be feeling? I'm asking this because of what you said about what your brother said that she might just be saying stuff to have an out. These are all assumptions at this point. Your brother doesn't even know her, let alone know the deeper workings of her mind. So unless she has previously given you solid reason NOT to trust her word, I'd say take what she says at face value and don't try to assume stuff she never said.

She hasn't given me a reason not to trust her word. She's been pretty solid so far and Sasad is right that I'm just fishing for reassurance. In full disclosure this was the first person I felt any romantic love for whatever it's worth having never met them. I haven't had a lack of romantic (read sexual) partners but I didn't really care for many of them but 2. One that I treated bad by leading her on and the other cheated on all her boyfriends and she was even cheating on her boyfriend with me. But I didn't develop deeper feelings for them. This is all new to me and maybe my insecurities are showing themselves.

[Rightsmach]

Ok. I'm gonna be the mean one here..
We just dont know what she is thinking or feeling. None of us here know her and know your communication styles. That being said, i dont think anyone can really say what's going on and how things appear to be going etc. This i something you no your SO need to figure out. Sure, we can give you suggestions or advice but honestly, we cant tell you what's going on fro text conversations.
You are apprehensive no re almost grasping to get stuff the way you want it. That's not fair or right for you or your SO. Theses questions and concerns need to be addressed with HER.
I also know that a 10 year age difference is not alwys bad, bud she is 21/221ish ? And you are 32. That's a big gap with maturity and life plans. She may not be ready to settle. Again, we dont now and.i dont think its fair foe you or your relationship to have transfers try to tell ou that this is going to be ok or not.
Sorry if its harsh...

Yes, she's immature in a few ways (She's 23)but she has mentioned settling down. That was one of her concerns with me because so far she's adamant about staying in her country with family and friends. I think it's too early to even talk about this but oh well. You're also right about me fishing for something. As I said above it's all new to me and my insecurities are rearing their ugly head, I think. I need to learn to trust more in this process and just learn to let go a bit. She hasn't given me a very good reason to not trust her at all.

[Taki]

Yes, she's immature in a few ways (She's 23)but she has mentioned settling down. That was one of her concerns with me because so far she's adamant about staying in her country with family and friends. I think it's too early to even talk about this but oh well. You're also right about me fishing for something. As I said above it's all new to me and my insecurities are rearing their ugly head, I think. I need to learn to trust more in this process and just learn to let go a bit. She hasn't given me a very good reason to not trust her at all.

To be really honest, at least in this particular aspect, she's being more mature and self assured than you I feel. Although age (23 is pretty young) factors in to maturity in many ways, at least from what you've told us of her, she seems pretty mature and grounded. She has a full time job, she's a hard worker who is responsible and doesn't believe in taking days off unless absolutely necessary, she has strong connections to her friends and family and makes time for all important people in her life instead of allowing her life to revolve around one person i.e. you, she believes in keeping in touch but also believes in personal space, she is self assured enough to give you her word expecting that you will trust her based on it, trusts what you say on face value, and also has a healthy sense of scepticism as to whether your relationship will work out or not which is necessary for self preservation because it shows that she doesn't live in some sort of romantic bubble where "everything always works out" and "true love always wins no matter what". She seems pretty grounded to me from what you've said so far.

I think the biggest issue is YOU have let YOUR life revolve around her by anxiously awaiting every tiny text message, every like on Facebook, digging deeper and deeper into everything she's said in order to analyse whether she "truly" meant it or whether she meant something else etc. And this is natural too especially when you feel deeply about someone, but you have to snap out of it and focus on other areas of your life. Which means TRULY focus. Not just go about other stuff in your life while mentally you still revolve around her

[Rightsmach]

To be really honest, at least in this particular aspect, she's being more mature and self assured than you I feel. Although age (23 is pretty young) factors in to maturity in many ways, at least from what you've told us of her, she seems pretty mature and grounded. She has a full time job, she's a hard worker who is responsible and doesn't believe in taking days off unless absolutely necessary, she has strong connections to her friends and family and makes time for all important people in her life instead of allowing her life to revolve around one person i.e. you, she believes in keeping in touch but also believes in personal space, she is self assured enough to give you her word expecting that you will trust her based on it, trusts what you say on face value, and also has a healthy sense of scepticism as to whether your relationship will work out or not which is necessary for self preservation because it shows that she doesn't live in some sort of romantic bubble where "everything always works out" and "true love always wins no matter what". She seems pretty grounded to me from what you've said so far.

I think the biggest issue is YOU have let YOUR life revolve around her by anxiously awaiting every tiny text message, every like on Facebook, digging deeper and deeper into everything she's said in order to analyse whether she "truly" meant it or whether she meant something else etc. And this is natural too especially when you feel deeply about someone, but you have to snap out of it and focus on other areas of your life. Which means TRULY focus. Not just go about other stuff in your life while mentally you still revolve around her

I agree with you on this and I'm trying. I see it as just growing pains for somebody who has never been in a situation where he feels this deeply about somebody. I'm confident I'll get to the place where I can be grounded, too and handle relationships in a healthier manner. Thank you for your help though. I learned a lot about myself from your responses.

[Taki]

I agree with you on this and I'm trying. I see it as just growing pains for somebody who has never been in a situation where he feels this deeply about somebody. I'm confident I'll get to the place where I can be grounded, too and handle relationships in a healthier manner. Thank you for your help though. I learned a lot about myself from your responses.

Happy to help and trust me, the reason my responses resonated with you so much is because I used to be a lot like you. I've come along way since then, and yes, you're right to view it as 'growing pains' good luck!!

[Rightsmach]

Happy to help and trust me, the reason my responses resonated with you so much is because I used to be a lot like you. I've come along way since then, and yes, you're right to view it as 'growing pains' good luck!!

Thank you! Even more reason to take your advice.

[AirportGirl]

Every single time mine pulled away, didn't text for days or didn't respond, or when he did it was always a reply but not about what I texted him. Instead it was like "How ya going? Yeah sorry I haven't been texting, just one thing after the other, lol. I'm off to go pick up Jake, traffic heavy! Talk later!" WHAT? Sure enough, he found someone else. He's done this to me 2 times, and 3 weeks ago he did it again. Strange thing is, he always comes back.

[Chris516]

Yes, its a gamer thing...in some games you can change races. Like elf, orc, goblins....

Hmmm.....Gaming is another world to me. Other than gamers supposedly making the best fighter pilots. I have never understood the attraction.