Can't stop the ANGER

[Xandra92]

Can I rant here? Is that okay to do? I'm so angry. I need someone or somewhere to talk about it.

My boyfriend has been gone for a little over a month. I spent the first month sad, trying to figure out a way to re-work my routine and my life. But now, I'm just angry. I am so very angry and I am having trouble stopping it. You spend 3 years with someone, live with them for 2, and then they just decide to go abroad for a year? No discussion. No "hey, how would you feel about this". Just a simple "Sorry to be selfish, but this is something I am going to do". How is that okay? How, in a relationship, is it just okay to up and leave your life, your SO, your apartment, your commitments for a year and not think twice about it? I'd understand if it was military or school, but no. He saw a post about teaching English in Japan and decided that sounded like a fun adventure. And he up and left. And I have to sit here and be supportive and happy for him, which part of me is. But the majority of me is just angry. 3 years of sharing a life, of making decisions together, and I'm left out of this huge decision. He knew this would break me. He knew I would have to try everyday to hold myself together. He knew. And I was still never included in the conversation. What happened to compromise and discussion? What happened to talking things over? It's not as if he decided to go away for a weekend without telling me. It's a year. A year of "sorry to leave you with the bills, I'll send some money when I can". A year of "can't talk, skype is down". A year of "I'm having so much fun over here! I wish you could be here with me!" Well if you wished I could be there with you, why didn't you wait until I could be? I can't shake the anger. I can't shake the rage. But I also can't fully share this with him. I have no idea what to do.

[Honour]

I can see from both angles where you're coming from. He should have communicated with you better, sounds like there was a lapse in communication somewhere along the line, and he didn't discuss it thoroughly enough before he left. On the other hand, you have to accept the fact whether you like it or not, it's his life to live, and short of controlling him, there isn't anything you can do it about. You have to communicate with him because sharing with him your feelings is what you have to do, whether you want to or not. Only through communication can issues like this be handled. I'm not saying he's in the right or wrong, or you either, what I am saying is, unless you say a word to him about this, things won't improve and you'll just get more and more resentful and angry.

[hmrambling]

I'm going to suggest to you that perhaps getting busy living your life will help. Put your time and energy into your hobbies, friends, and family. Do things that you enjoy doing. I hear your resentment when you talk about him enjoying himself. Why are you not enjoying yourself? Take time for you and your interests.

Also, what was your living situation? Were the two of you living together prior to his going abroad? Is that why he is sending money back for the bills? Had ya'll discussed household bills prior to his leaving?

I understand what you're saying about communication and compromise. I encourage you to keep communication open with him and talk to him about how you feel.

[Sparkling72]

A few things come to mind... I get the whole, I'm gonna go on this adventure - probably to "find himself" - and doing it before you're married with kids, better now than later. Ok, whatever, go find yourself.

second thing... how was your relationship in say the 3-4 months prior to his rash decision? Was your life together as a whole normal? Meaning, normal routines, normal sex life, normal conversations? Or were the 2 of you fighting more? Did he start to seem distant? Perhaps did someone he knew pass away suddenly and made him rethink life in general? Looking back, were there any clues or signs you might not have been attuned to? Was he afraid you would try to talk him out of it?

The last thing that comes to mind is trust. Going off of what you said, it sounds like he basically abandoned you. How are you supposed to trust that this won't happen again if you did get married and had kids (I know I am assuming this is your life plan here, and I'm generalizing, maybe you have no intention of doing either, but let's pretend) If this caught you totally off guard and you had no warning signs... how can he expect you to trust him or to wait for him? If this happened to me, and I had no warning... I wouldn't be able to guarantee I'd wait for him... but that's me.

and my final thought... you HAVE to tell him that it has upset you this much. It's not fair to him if he thinks you're happy about this arrangement when you're not. He needs to know how this has affected your relationship because, like the ladies before me said.. it will only cause more resentment.

[Xandra92]

Thank you for the replies.

I know I have to tell him. He knows I'm not happy, per se, about the situation. But I haven't broached the topic of anger. It's scary to do when you only have 15-30 minutes at a time to talk to someone. It's hard to spend that talking about negative thoughts and feelings.

@hhrambling -Yes, we lived together for two years before he left. The discussion went something along the lines of "I'll do my best to help out, but I'll be paying for 2 places now" and then became "I'll send money as soon as I get my first paycheck". This was something else that I was never really consulted on. How I was going to handle the money situation was never brought up. Every time I tried to mention it, he would say "we will make it work"

@Sparkling72 -Our relationship was great. We had our little fights like any couple does, but nothing out of the ordinary. He knew I wouldn't be keen on the idea. I'd mentioned in the past re: friends in LDRs that I had no idea how they did it. Nothing changed in our relationship. I knew he wasn't happy at his current job, but I was encouraging and helping him look into other opportunities. Then this came out of nowhere. The trust thing is something I'm having trouble with... Since he's been there, I've grown to believe that he fully intends to come home after a year. Our plan was always 5 years of dating then an engagement. We both want kids. All of this was talked about. But it does feel like an abandonment. I told him I would wait the year, but my confidence in our relationship has waned a little. I fear this could happen again. And without my opinion being taken into consideration.

Our lives were fully intertwined. Financially, family, everything. I will tell him how angry I am. I'll just work on controlling my emotions when I do so. I'm not looking forward to any kind of fight over Skype...

[snow]

I don't know if I could do it this way. If my husband just up and left and thought I was going to support him just like that without ever even talking about it, I would fear for the future.

Imagine being pregnant and he decides he wants to take another year off - you are alone throughout the whole process, he might not even see the baby for the first couple months. Fast forward a couple years, you have children and he decides he wants to take another trip for a year and you are stuck working and taking care of the children and he will "send money when he can".

This is extremely unstable and so unreliable and I am 100% on your side - I would be furious.

Yes, I understand that taking risks is part of life and trust me, I would LOVE to just take out all the money in savings and leave, but I would never just leave and figure my husband would just manage. That's just not how relationships work. You always have to take BOTH partners into consideration.

[Ejoriah]

I got angry just reading your post, OP. After three years I would absolutely expect to be consulted on such a big life decision. Especially if there was money involved. Heck, even in my own separation from my husband earlier this year, even though I was angry and hurt and he was making almost twice as much as me, I STILL made sure I wasn't just leaving him high and dry in terms of financials. I agreed to take on the responsibility of some bills, and wasn't going to just shirk that, even when the relationship was over. So for him to just up and leave without a solid plan of how you'd suddenly make ends meet (never mind the emotional aspect of the relationship) is terrible.

[Sparkling72]

@Sparkling72 -Our relationship was great. We had our little fights like any couple does, but nothing out of the ordinary. He knew I wouldn't be keen on the idea. I'd mentioned in the past re: friends in LDRs that I had no idea how they did it. Nothing changed in our relationship. I knew he wasn't happy at his current job, but I was encouraging and helping him look into other opportunities. Then this came out of nowhere. The trust thing is something I'm having trouble with... Since he's been there, I've grown to believe that he fully intends to come home after a year. Our plan was always 5 years of dating then an engagement. We both want kids. All of this was talked about. But it does feel like an abandonment. I told him I would wait the year, but my confidence in our relationship has waned a little. I fear this could happen again. And without my opinion being taken into consideration.

Our lives were fully intertwined. Financially, family, everything. I will tell him how angry I am. I'll just work on controlling my emotions when I do so. I'm not looking forward to any kind of fight over Skype...

Well, you can relay your anger without yelling or fighting. I strongly suggest you sit down and hand-write a letter - that you don't send to him - but will help you think everything through. But the key here is it MUST be hand-written and not on the computer, this is for 3 reasons. #1 writing by hand forces your already racing mind to slow way down think things through. #2 write it 50x if you have to and read it and re-read it, then write it some more if you have to, this will help you have very clear thoughts on how to relay your feelings and can do so in a calm, constructive manner. #3 - it's TOO EASY to click "send" in the heat of the moment, so don't do it on the computer - it is very counter productive.

Then, when you skype - and I do think you should do it via video call so you can see each other. Start that conversation by telling him you have some things to get off your chest and that you would appreciate if he were to let you finish talking and not interrupt and then he can have his turn to talk and you not interrupt (which is the very hard part trust me) I had put a sticky note on my ipad that said "don't interrupt!!!" on it when I needed to have a heart to heart with my SO.

Discussions like these are not easy to have... but they can be productive and provide growth for your relationship if handled carefully. It sounds like you both truly love each other... have faith in that!

[Rezie]

It would be interesting to hear your SO's side of the story. Could be that from there we could understand reasons better. Sometimes the way we experience things can be very different. Not defending him. Just interested.

You have a right to be angry and you should share it with him. When you talk do it calmly and bring oit the rational aspects such as finance, you would have liked to know beforehand, discussion etc. But also remember to listen.

[Chris516]

I can see from both angles where you're coming from. He should have communicated with you better, sounds like there was a lapse in communication somewhere along the line, and he didn't discuss it thoroughly enough before he left. On the other hand, you have to accept the fact whether you like it or not, it's his life to live, and short of controlling him, there isn't anything you can do it about. You have to communicate with him because sharing with him your feelings is what you have to do, whether you want to or not. Only through communication can issues like this be handled. I'm not saying he's in the right or wrong, or you either, what I am saying is, unless you say a word to him about this, things won't improve and you'll just get more and more resentful and angry.

While I agree with the tenets of what you said.

I disagree. Because they had been together for three years.

Even though it is a terrible analogy and it is his life. It is sort of like a father moving out of the home. Without saying anything to his wife or the kids. All because it is his life. He has no responsibility to tell them.

[erwin1973]

While I agree with the tenets of what you said.

I disagree. Because they had been together for three years.

Even though it is a terrible analogy and it is his life. It is sort of like a father moving out of the home. Without saying anything to his wife or the kids. All because it is his life. He has no responsibility to tell them.

I do not agree with that, personally. In my - perhaps old fashioned thinking - you get married to take care of the other. Thus you take responsibility. And children, well, they need to know where there other parent is. Oh yeah, I have made that mistake and ran away... and it costed me dearly. My son took some time to regain trust in me, and believe me I felt guilty for him. BTDT, TBH, but not proud of it at all.

[R&R]

While I agree with the tenets of what you said.

I disagree. Because they had been together for three years.

Even though it is a terrible analogy and it is his life. It is sort of like a father moving out of the home. Without saying anything to his wife or the kids. All because it is his life. He has no responsibility to tell them.

When in a relationship, especially when living together and sharing finances, it is important that decisions are made together. Even if they had communicated and he was still going to leave, if she had been given enough time and warning, she could have at least been able to do something that wouldn't leave her in such a financial disaster.

As far as this analogy, I sincerely hope you somehow didn't truly mean how it comes across. If so, and that's how you feel, I certainly hope your SO is aware that you think it's perfectly ok to just up and leave her some day because you feel like it because it's YOUR life. Or if she were to do that to you, that it would be okay because it's HER life. When you are in a relationship, even if ending it, you don't sneak out like a thief in the night. That is pure cowardice and irresponsible. Unless you are in an abusive situation and you have to leave like that for safety reasons, you have no reason to do that other than being a selifsh person.

[differentcountries]

Since your SO is going to be away for a full year, I would suggest taking in a lodger if you have a spare bedroom (or a living room) to spare. Or just rent out the whole place, and find yourself somewhere smaller/cheaper to live for 11 months. If you SO is not smart about money, you are going to have to be. This could be a huge financial drain for you.

You are angry because he is too spontanious and avoids discussing very real situations. This is a serious wake up call as to how your SO handles responsability now and in the future.

[Chris516]

I do not agree with that, personally. In my - perhaps old fashioned thinking - you get married to take care of the other. Thus you take responsibility. And children, well, they need to know where there other parent is. Oh yeah, I have made that mistake and ran away... and it costed me dearly. My son took some time to regain trust in me, and believe me I felt guilty for him. BTDT, TBH, but not proud of it at all.

I totally agree.

My point was that, they had already been together three years. Because of that, the OP definitely deserved not only to be told about what he planned to do. But also, that he should have had an in-depth discussion with the OP about it.

When in a relationship, especially when living together and sharing finances, it is important that decisions are made together. Even if they had communicated and he was still going to leave, if she had been given enough time and warning, she could have at least been able to do something that wouldn't leave her in such a financial disaster.

As far as this analogy, I sincerely hope you somehow didn't truly mean how it comes across. If so, and that's how you feel, I certainly hope your SO is aware that you think it's perfectly ok to just up and leave her some day because you feel like it because it's YOUR life. Or if she were to do that to you, that it would be okay because it's HER life. When you are in a relationship, even if ending it, you don't sneak out like a thief in the night. That is pure cowardice and irresponsible. Unless you are in an abusive situation and you have to leave like that for safety reasons, you have no reason to do that other than being a selfish person.

You missed my point. I was illustrating the emotional(and even psychological) irresponsibility behind his actions and decision. Without even having discussed it with the OP.