Long distance paranoia?

[Saffyh]

Hey guys! I'm new to this, but felt I needed the support. So here's the story; I met a guy online, I live in new south wales Australia and he lives in the illinios in the states. His profile originally said sydney, he explained he was working in Sydney for a pharmaceutical company focusing on eye care (it checked out) and that he was just visiting in family. Then when he was due to fly back, things with his visa didn't check out, because his company didn't organize his visa, since he would now be working over 3 months. He said he came to australia in July for work and was over in Illinois visiting in February. He said he's having an meeting with his company late February to organise his visa. Then I heard nothing for 2 weeks. I tried messaging him several times after a few days, asking if things were ok. Then i started to question him not being interested anymore and why he won't just tell me. Then I left it and moved on. Then heard from him, he apologized for the delay in responding, but that he couldn't get a visa and was now having to get all his stuff shipped back from sydney Australia. He was really disheartened and so was I. We decided to just stay friends, but nothing more since we knew we couldn't see eachother. Then I got back on the same dating app (we had previously deleted eachothers profiles and took screen shots). I was searching in LA as usual, because thats where I want to move. I then stumbled across his profile which said LA. I messaged him asking why. He explained he had a sister in law that lived in LA, as I knew and that since I said I wanted to move there, he gained interest to look there too, but he was still in Illinois. I plan to move to LA and I'm only interested in dating people from the states, which he already knew, but I had to reclarifyed after he then questioned me. We both got over our paranoia of eachother being catfish and decided to start chatting exclusively again, deleting the dating app once again and sending screens shots to eachother. Then today (same day, since we decided to start talking exclusive again) he was playing basketball ball at the time we both agreed on video calling on whatsapp. I said I took my work lunch break early just to call him. He said he didn't know, even though we agreed on the time and I mentioned several times I was working and going on a break. I explained this to him, I wasn't hiding I was annoyed. Haven't heard anything back, but its night time there. So I wouldn't expect it. So what do you guys think, am I being paranoid he's not genuine and should I be patient with his response? Or should I pick up my self respect and end it again? It's so easy to over think everything when doing long distance relationships...

[R&R]

Hi Saffyh,

Welcome to LFAD. We can only go by what you've told us. If you had set up a time and he missed it to play basketball, even after you'd reminded him, I'd be pretty ticked. A relationship take efforts and two parties putting the effort in and it seems like you've been the one to do so.

It sounds like a pretty rocky start, and know you would be in for a long haul. It's not like you can just move. The process can take years and a substantial amount of money. If I was going to go through all that with the possibility of leaving everything behind, I'd want to make sure everything was really solid and this just isn't seeming to be.

[Saffyh]

Oh thanks R&R. Yeah I just wanna end it again, but then a friend said maybe he didn't understand it was a locked in time and thought he could contact you later. They think I may have reacted a little strongly and to just say in passing that I'm sorry I over reacted. I mean when I called initially, he did answer while on the basketball court and he was excited to hear from me, he was just like "sorry I'm just finishing my game" I'll call back, when do you finish your break?" I told him and he said he'll try calling back. Then nothing and so I tried calling when my break was almost up and then messaged him saying I wasted my whole break waiting and he should know what it's like with the time distance. He was like, sorry I didn't know you were on break. I reminded him I told him several times I'd be on break, even sent a screen shot of a previous whatsapp text stating this and the time we agreed on. I explained he should of told me if he thought he couldn't make the time. It still says unread on whatsapp, last seen time 20 mins after I sent it, but he might have "read receipts" turned off. If you know whatsapp, you'd know what I mean. It just feels like it'll always be hard and he doesn't respect my feelings being new to this. I think I'll end it again, or you think I'm being too rash?

[hmrambling]

Oh thanks R&R. Yeah I just wanna end it again, but then a friend said maybe he didn't understand it was a locked in time and thought he could contact you later. They think I may have reacted a little strongly and to just say in passing that I'm sorry I over reacted. I mean when I called initially, he did answer while on the basketball court and he was excited to hear from me, he was just like "sorry I'm just finishing my game" I'll call back, when do you finish your break?" I told him and he said he'll try calling back. Then nothing and so I tried calling when my break was almost up and then messaged him saying I wasted my whole break waiting and he should know what it's like with the time distance. He was like, sorry I didn't know you were on break. I reminded him I told him several times I'd be on break, even sent a screen shot of a previous whatsapp text stating this and the time we agreed on. I explained he should of told me if he thought he couldn't make the time. It still says unread on whatsapp, last seen time 20 mins after I sent it, but he might have "read receipts" turned off. If you know whatsapp, you'd know what I mean. It just feels like it'll always be hard and he doesn't respect my feelings being new to this. I think I'll end it again, or you think I'm being too rash?

I always have a hard time when people report that their message has been seen but the other person has not dropped what they are doing. Look at your motive for using Whatsapp. Is your motive to use an app that reports to you when someone has seen a message so that you can clobber them over the head with the fact that they have not responded to you? People get busy or otherwise occupied. When I call, sometimes I get voicemail. When I text, sometimes people are busy. I don't get an answer right away. I have to be a big girl and accept that.

Be clear in what you want so as to minimize confusion. If he is not participating in conversations, he is pretty much letting you know that you two are not serious. Interesting that you two have agreed on exclusivity but it seems that contact with him is really hit and miss.

It's up to you as to whether your decisions are hasty or not. I encourage you to clearly communicate with him.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure why you are so concerned about him answering a little late, when he previously have shown so much disregard for your communication. Maybe it would be an idea to set the boundries straight; you have a limited lunch break, if he is free then too you can talk, if not he misses out, and talks will have to be sceduled another time. He might feel a preassure from others on how to spend his time, you have to make it clear that your time is limited too, and that you are not waiting for whatever move he makes. For instance, you can follow up on your agreements by saying; hi, my break starts in five minutes, are you still free? Then he has time to end whatever he is doing, or tell you that he will not be available and you can spend your time doing something else.

For us, one of our most intimate moments is actually when SO tells me that he will not be able to make it, and I tell him that I appreciate that he tried to make it etc. This makes him feel VERY understood and happy, and I am genuinly happy, too, because I know what his job is like and if he is needed he is really needed, I have been on his shifts IRL so I knowhow they can drag on. Also, we dont use just one app; we use at least 3 different apps plus we sometimes call each other on the phone. We make sure it is easy to reach each other.

If you live in the same state in Australia for the moment, perhaps you can meet up?

[Saffyh]

Thanks for your responce. I understand we all get busy, but given his lack of responce even after clear communication that we need to be responsive and not leave things for two weeks like last time, I'm just thinking I'll cut him off if I hear nothing from him in a few days.

[Saffyh]

He lives in Illinois USA currently like I said.

[Saffyh]

Thanks for your responce. I understand we all get busy, but given his lack of responce even after clear communication that we need to be responsive and not leave things for two weeks like last time, I'm just thinking I'll cut him off if I hear nothing from him in a few days. Because that will prove if he is really invested or not.

[erwin1973]

My lady and I have fixed times when we communicate. If one of us is not going to make it, we'll tell. So the other is not waiting in vain. I think, just as @ DifferentCountries says, it has to do with respect. And without respect no love. To be honest, I would never let my lady wait for two weeks before I respond. Nobody can be that busy. And if you made a clear deal about it, well... it can happen you're out of internet(connection) or suddenly you're very busy (don't drive and text) or so, but 2 weeks no respons? You're serious? That would be a dealbreake to me, if it was without comminucation (except for serious matters like a stay in hospital).

Generally I am surprised he sayd you're exlusive (if he did). It doesn't sound like it, in my opinion.

[Saffyh]

Thanks everyone, I realised this wasn't a case of me being needy. Too many red flags, no responce for 2 weeks, then lieing to me about his commitment to a long distance relationship and fishy online profile. No responce, so I wrote asking if we're on the same page with prioritizing eachother. He wrote back saying we shouldn't talk anymore and can't be at my beck and call. He wished me the best. So I wrote back explaining my gut feeling from the start was it wouldn't work, because of the red flags and the 2 weeks no contact thing. Also stating I don't want someone at my beck and call, but if he thinks 2 weeks no contact is normal, then he'll never settle down and find someone. I wished him the best too and have blocked him. I'll know better for next time, since I'm only looking for love in LA, because thats where I want to move. Ive had a few tries at it now and it's just so hard finding a guy who's genuine and willing to do long distance and visit me to meet. I'm focused on making my dream of moving there on my own without help, but if something feels right and I fall in love with a cali guy. Then I'm open to that. Thanks again everyone, this sites a great support. 😊

[erwin1973]

I am sorry to hear about the break up, but also happy to hear you are very realistic about it. I wish you good luck. And yes: build your own life and find somebody who fits in.

[Sparkling72]

You deserve someone who makes you a priority! Glad to hear you are thinking that through and have your heart set on making YOUR dreams come true!! Best of luck to you