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[sarahmarie]

So I need some advice with a current situation I am facing with my SO.

Let me give you a little background first on him that might help understand the situation better. I currently live right outside of Atlanta, Georgia in a very populated area. He lives on the coast of west Alaska in a small village called St. Michael. The village where he lives has a population of only about 450 people who are all Upick Eskimos. He is a native of Georgia, but has living over there for the last year and a half teaching elementary schoolers as a part of the teach for America program. There are not many stores where he lives, and the next closest city is only accesible by airplane and he does not have access to a big store like Wal-mart or chain grocery stores. Food and clothing is very expensive to purchase there, so he has most of it shipped in during the year.

I dont want to seem like a needy girlfriend, but my SO NEVER sends me anything. I know its better to give than to receive but its nice to receive every once in awhile. I am always sending my SO stuff, I send him a card or letter at least once a week, and I send him at least one or two packages a month. In these packages I include things like his favorite snack, clothes, pictures, fun stuff for his students (like coloring books, candy, toys etc.). Just recently I purchased him a very expensive video game (which he asked for). Some of the time the stuff I send him is stuff he has requested and other times its just things I think he might like or need.

He never really makes a big deal about the cards or packages, I usually just get a "thanks for the card" or "thanks for everything in my package", when he does that it kind of breaks my heart, becuase I usually put a lot of time selecting things to send him and writing very heart felt messages in the cards. Its almost like he has just learned to expect that I will be sending him stuff and I think he has kind of lost the appreciation for it as it has become so routine.

I have talked about this with my friends, no of who are in LDR, and they say to just let it go. But communication and being able to express your feelings is so important for LDR's. They also suggest that I stop sending him the cards and packages, with the thought that maybe he will realize that he hasnt gotten a card or letter recently and think "hmm maybe its time for me to send her one" I know some guys just are not as mushy gushy with their feelings as most girls are, and thats ok, but it would be nice for him to reassure his feeling for me every once in awhile with a thoughtful card or gift.

Now there is also the issue that cards and gifts may not be readily available for purchase where he lives. But he frequently makes trips to surrounding cities where these things could be easliy purchased if he really wanted to. Also,he teaches elementary school, I know he has construction paper and markers available for his use any time. Why doesnt he just make me a card, or better yet have his students make me one! Also, its so easy these days to make online purchases and they will ship the stuff anywhere...

I may be overreacting on this, but two months he has been back at school, I have spend over $300 dollars purchasing and shipping things to him. When is it going to be my turn to get something??

So, I am wanting any and all advise you have to give. Am I being too needy? I have yet to say anything to my SO about this, do you think I should or shouldnt say anything?

Please help me!!!

[NaNi]

Wow, you do spend quite a lot of money on his packages, so I would feel quite hurt too if my SO wouldn't show any kind of appreciation for them. A simple "thanks" all the time doesn't really express much. Maybe you should talk to your SO about it? Maybe he just doesn't realize that you would like such things too.

[sarahmarie]

Wow, you do spend quite a lot of money on his packages, so I would feel quite hurt too if my SO wouldn't show any kind of appreciation for them. A simple "thanks" all the time doesn't really express much. Maybe you should talk to your SO about it? Maybe he just doesn't realize that you would like such things too.

Thats my delima, should I really have to tell him I would like him to think of me more and that I would like to receive something in the mail every once in a while too? Isnt that part of being in a relationship? Thinking of your partner?

[folclor]

Have you asked him for a card or a package? Some guys don't take hints well and need to be prompted. If he's one of those guys he may need to be told you want a card or a package as it may nto have occurred to him. Also, if it bothers you how he reacts in a nonchalant manner to all of the mail perhaps your first step should be telling him that. Tell him that you don't need him to gush about it for days, but a little more recognition of what was said or sent would be nice. Also, it might be good to lessen the frequency. It does make it more routine to get one every week. Maybe send him one every other week? And if he doesn't NEED the packages it might be better to put that as one a month or osmething. After all, that means more money to save up to go see each other, yeah? And he probably just doesn't realize how it affects you.

[folclor]

Thats my delima, should I really have to tell him I would like him to think of me more and that I would like to receive something in the mail every once in a while too? Isnt that part of being in a relationship? Thinking of your partner?

btw, yes, you have to tell some guys. ^^; Mine is totally oblivious and doesn't show his feeling that well over distance. I asked him for a package or a letter last year and he hasn't sent one yet, but he's working on some handmade stuff to send, so I understand why. ^^

[NaNi]

Thats my delima, should I really have to tell him I would like him to think of me more and that I would like to receive something in the mail every once in a while too? Isnt that part of being in a relationship? Thinking of your partner?

That is true. I very much agree with that. But if you want to feel happy in your relationship and don't want to "let it go"... you have to tell him those things. He might not change otherwise.

[Silviar]

I agree with others - tell him bluntly that you'd like something from him and how much it means to you/how important it is. You may be sending him things thinking this is what you'd like, but he may not particularly care about packages. I'd either ask if they're necessary, or stop sending them for awhile and see if he says anything. Sometimes people don't realize how much they rely on things until they stop coming.

[Karringtyn]

Yup. Some guys don't get it and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them...they just sometimes need to be outwardly told. It IS part of the relationship to speak your mind when it comes to something that is bothering you. I can TOTALLY understand why you are feeling the way you are.

[LadyMarchHare]

While I understand your plight, saying you willingly spent $300+ on him doesn't really validate the argument because you chose to do so willingly regardless of if he asked for certain things or not. That aside, asking him directly for a card or small gift for, say, a certain occasion is within your right. Just because you send him 'just because' gifts doesn't mean he needs to level out the playing field by doing the same thing, especially if he does not have ready funds or access to much locally and has to do it online. It's a nice gesture, surely, but it's not required.

As for how he reacts to your gifts, a lot of people, guys and gals, have trouble expressing gratitude when they receive such things and don't often gush or say "I like x and x, but x is cool too". I think maybe taking solace in the fact he mentions he got them/liked them at all is what you might need to do instead of expecting more out of a man who clearly can't express himself in the way you're expecting.

Me, I've sent maybe half a dozen things to my SO since April and haven't gotten diddly back. Am I mad? Not really, but that's just me. I don't expect things. It would be nice, but it doesn't rub me the wrong way because I know he has bills to pay and doesn't have much time to get around or sit down and shop online. Point being you can't tear your hair out over material items, that's not why you're in a relationship. Gifts aren't a right, they're a privilege, but as the others have said if it bothers you, tell him flat out you'd at least like a card or flowers from one of those online shops that deliver all over. Ask for something small, y'know?

Sorry if that sounds a tad mean, that was not my intention.

[annamorgan]

I know exactly what you mean. I send my SO multiple cards and packages, and I've only gotten one card from him. He also told me he would send me a package for our 7th month anniversary-he didn't-then he said he would send it before our 8th month anniversary-still didn't. It seems petty to worry over this, but it is upsetting so I understand exactly where you're coming from.

[paulawriteslove]

I know where you're coming from too. I would send my boyfriend letters and pictures and he wouldn't send me anything...until I told him how I felt. He had no clue how I was feeling! Guys are very oblivious and sometimes you need to tell them straight up what's bothering you or else they'll never know.

[Rosebud]

Me, I've sent maybe half a dozen things to my SO since April and haven't gotten diddly back. Am I mad? Not really, but that's just me. I don't expect things. It would be nice, but it doesn't rub me the wrong way because I know he has bills to pay and doesn't have much time to get around or sit down and shop online. Point being you can't tear your hair out over material items, that's not why you're in a relationship. Gifts aren't a right, they're a privilege, but as the others have said if it bothers you, tell him flat out you'd at least like a card or flowers from one of those online shops that deliver all over. Ask for something small, y'know?

Sorry if that sounds a tad mean, that was not my intention.

Not to butt in, but I just wanted to point out that just because recieving gifts back in return isn't a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to others and it really has nothing to do with being materialistic at all. From the sounds of it the OP doesn't really care WHAT she recieves because it's not about the item, it's about the thought behind it. I know you said you didn't intend to sound mean, butit sounds very much lke you're implying anyone that wants a gift in return does so only because they like getting presents when rather I think the reasoning behind it is very different. And yeah, maybe it's not required that someone's SO send them stuff back in return just because we do, but I do understand the sting of taking the extra time to make sure my bf gets something special from me and not anything return. It's not the gift, it's the thought.

Anyway, back to the OP. Unfortunately what I've learned from the others is that it is true. That sometimes some people just don't think about these things and there's no shame in telling your boyfriend how a gesture in return would mean alot from him. I actually think not asking for anything specific is the better way to go as that demonstrates that you aren't asking for something showy or whatever, but rather perhaps tell him how happy it makes you when he recieves his packages from you as you would like to know if he truly enjoys them (as I've learned, positive enforcement works well and if you tell him that you like to hear he likes recieving them he may be more open about it in the future), and that it would make you happy to recieve something of his affections as well.

[LadyMarchHare]

Not to butt in, but I just wanted to point out that just because recieving gifts back in return isn't a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal to others and it really has nothing to do with being materialistic at all. From the sounds of it the OP doesn't really care WHAT she recieves because it's not about the item, it's about the thought behind it. I know you said you didn't intend to sound mean, butit sounds very much lke you're implying anyone that wants a gift in return does so only because they like getting presents when rather I think the reasoning behind it is very different. And yeah, maybe it's not required that someone's SO send them stuff back in return just because we do, but I do understand the sting of taking the extra time to make sure my bf gets something special from me and not anything return. It's not the gift, it's the thought.

Anyway, back to the OP. Unfortunately what I've learned from the others is that it is true. That sometimes some people just don't think about these things and there's no shame in telling your boyfriend how a gesture in return would mean alot from him. I actually think not asking for anything specific is the better way to go as that demonstrates that you aren't asking for something showy or whatever, but rather perhaps tell him how happy it makes you when he recieves his packages from you as you would like to know if he truly enjoys them (as I've learned, positive enforcement works well and if you tell him that you like to hear he likes recieving them he may be more open about it in the future), and that it would make you happy to recieve something of his affections as well.

No, I know that, I didn't mean it to sound that way. It's merely the OP came off as whiny about it and I thought I'd point out that it really isn't that big of a deal whether or not you're looking to get something. There's no need for melodrama about gifts, even if you're frustrated, y'know?

[folclor]

^^; oh, my, looks like a bit of controversy. ^^; I doubt she was implying materialism, Rosebud, but you do have a good point that it's about the thought behind the item, not the item itself.

Either way, if you want him to 'catch hints' then you're not going to get a decent response, unfortunately. I hope for the best for you, though.

[Zephii]

I understand your plight, and I'm sorry this has been upsetting you.
To me money doesn't equal love. And while it's nice to receive things every now and again, I wouldn't want to receive things too often because it takes some of the magic out. Er, I think I'm going at this the wrong way. Let me try again.
What I'm trying to say is that people show love and need to be shown love in different ways - and that is something worth discussing with your SO. For example, I like making things for Obi, or setting up surprises/games for him. I try to be creative and keep it interesting. It's how I show love. Obi isn't good at that stuff, and while he likes the things I do for him, he likes to show love in other ways - like leaving me notes or giving back rubs. To receive love, I like it when he does practical things for me, like the dishes, or when he gives me his time coz there's nothing more important than that. He likes to receive love in other ways, often in the form of food.
Giving gifts is just one way to express love, and perhaps in your SO's case, it's not the most important way.

But yes, talk to him if it's important to you. There shouldn't be anything you can't talk about.