Is this a red flag?

[C.C.]

I’m not the kind of person to take sex lightly, especially after 6 months of talking to him and traveling to meet him. If I wanted to have sex no strings attached I would get it locally.

And I can’t not feel worried and have my guard up after someone I love tell me these things, they already seem to have one foot out the door. I don’t want to go into it knowing I’ll get hurt bad, it’s a risk you take in any relationship, but I don’t want it to ring constantly in my mind cause he keeps saying it! I’d be constantly looking over my shoulders, and after the traumatic year I’ve had, I don’t think I can take any more blows. You know? I still want to have a happy life, somehow.

I am not saying you should go for it. It's just that he hasn't done anything wrong himself. Like yes you love him but you two weren't even exclusive, right? So you can't expect him to respond back in kind. He might not be serious yes but that's something you have to make up your mind about. Like he even let you know that he might not be able to give you what you want instead of leading you into this and bringing your hopes up. I just don't think being on guard should involve ignoring his messages unless it's the only way you can do it. Because I feel like most of your thinking is what YOU think he MIGHT have meant rather than what he said.

Whether you want to invest in this or not is absolutely your decision. It just feels like you are looking validations for your own decisions and you speculate a lot. I sort of get it but it also feels really weird to be asked advice about something like that. Like I'd like to but I seriously have no idea what he wants, you are the one who can know that and you are the one who has to decide whether you want this particular kind of relationship, or not. No one will know what he feels towards you or what is right for you.

[Reyhoney]

Thank you C.C, and I do understand your point of view, that you don’t think he did anything wrong, yet, I guess I’m just seeing his intentions towards me and I don’t like them, you know? I can’t go see him when I’m feeling this way cause it would be a waste of our time and money if I go there feeling some type of resentment or fear towards him.

I’m only not replying to him cause I want some distance to get clarity and prespective, I don’t want to say or do something I shouldn’t have in a haste. If I get some space then it’s impossibke for me to mess it up right?

I’m not really looking for any specific advice, guess I’m just trying to make some sense out of this. My head is still a mess. I’m surprised I got any sleep last night.

[C.C.]

I guess I’m just seeing his intentions towards me and I don’t like them, you know? I can’t go see him when I’m feeling this way cause it would be a waste of our time and money if I go there feeling some type of resentment or fear towards him.

Then don't

I’m only not replying to him cause I want some distance to get clarity and prespective, I don’t want to say or do something I shouldn’t have in a haste. If I get some space then it’s impossibke for me to mess it up right?

And okay, that sounds okay, at first it sounded like you were avoiding him because of lack of trust towards him.


But let me tell you something, you can make all the "right" decisions, take all the time you need and still fail. It's impossible to foretell which one will turn out well, all you have to do sometimes is to just follow whatever works for you for now and prepare yourself for consequences, whatever they might be depending on a decision.

[Rezie]

Wait...was this the conversation that you mentioned where he said he doesn't want a future?

I'm not exactly what the risk is? You are visiting for a short time not quitting your job and moving across the world. Worst case scenario is that it's awkward and you have no chemistry and may need to take another hotel room or suffer through. Another worst case scenario is that you have a good time and realize there is nothing long term.

He is saying he doesn't want to rush into anything and is worrited that you have high expectations and he can't meet them. Saying the "good time and sex" was propably stupid thing to say outloud but isn't that what we all think when we are meeting for the first times? In his words he is worried about the meeting and this is his way of thinking as a coping mechanism.

Asking about the hotel is an appropriate question. In this site and in world the most ammount of problems arise when pople assume. He wanted to make sure you pay your share since otherwise he would have to adjust his finances and re think the accommodation. No it's not obvious for everyone that the man doesn't automatically pay. Better to ask than to assume.

I don't think any of these are red flags. They are normal feelings. I don't really see a problem in meeting. Worse case scenario you get a holiday but turns out you don't get along. I get a feeling that you are talking yourself out of the meeting and would rather it be his fault. WHich again is a natural reaction. I think this is one of those cases where you need to differenciate if it is the gut or anxiety talking. If you feel like you don't want to meet or you don't trust his words then don't meet up.

Are these red flags? Don't know. He can turn out to be a complete jerk and asshole that is playing with your feelings. But based on the information you've given it seems like a normal nervourness before meeting.

[Reyhoney]

I really don’t care about the money thing, I wasn’t expecting him to pay for anything, I’m a grown up but the way he said it was like let’s get down to business ok?

He was repeatedly saying how I could get hurt or get my heartbroken and it is risky for me more so than him for some reasons I don’t want to mention on here.

I don’t want to get out of meeting him, I was already starting to pack my suitcase! I’ve been wanting to meet since June but he got all scared and started coming up with excuses so I suggested we wait.

Even if I really do want to meet him, I’m terrified, I don’t think it’s something simple or easy when he keeps on saying how I’ll get hurt, he said it a few times, and it was enough to seriously push me away.

You guys seem to disagree and that’s fine, I’m posting on a public forum and I expected that, but I can’t will myself to trust someone, it’s not a switch. Trust takes time to build and it’s lost in seconds.

[Redheart14]

Just call it off, sounds like it's getting way too messy now. I'm assuming no flights have been booked?

[Reyhoney]

Just call it off, sounds like it's getting way too messy now. I'm assuming no flights have been booked?

No, but he was just about to email his boss then book them. Good thing he didn’t. God forbid he takes that risk.

[Redheart14]

Last minute flights are so expensive too.

[hmrambling]

Last minute flights are so expensive too.

He's rich, though.


Past:

I'm poor, he's rich
.....
he's rich, he's got everything a man in his early 30es could ever need and have. I don't... I don't make much at all, even with my college degree, I barely make ends meet. He knows this. I've even told him exactly how much money I've in the bank cause I didn't want to hide this.
...

Past:

He’s 32 and has a good stable job. He can afford it.

Now:

I really don’t care about the money thing, I wasn’t expecting him to pay for anything

----
Past:

Yeah I will ask if he’d like me to pay half with him, and definitely pay for food or activities we do or at least take turns doing it. Otherwise I would be really uncomfortable and honestly don’t want to give him a reason to possibly resent me later.

Now:

He also said oh you’ll pay with me for the hotel half right?? Cause that’s expensive.

Past:

He’s shy and not too expressive with words,
.....
He says he’s better expressing himself in person physically.

Now:

He said well worst case scenario it’ll be a vacation with lots of fun and lots of crazy sex right!? No regrets?
.....

Aren’t these things he said red flags!?

All of his actions are red flags if OP thinks they are red flags. There's no stranger on the internet that could tell me if my gut instincts were wrong or if what I perceive to be a red flag is not in fact a red flag. Yet OP has come here and asked if what she sees as a red flag is in fact a red flag, then argued with people's responses... meanwhile she contradicts herself.

If he's rich, let him take off from work and come meet you in your city. Let him get a hotel room and you can stay comfy in your own home. Meet him in a public place and have a date where the two of you talk in person, then he goes back to his hotel room and you return home to your comfortable abode. Less risk, less worry. This entire thread is a build up and a lot of hype for something that just hasn't happened yet.

OP says she will ask him to split the costs, then doesn't, then gets anxious and upset when he asks and questions his motives by thinking that his motives are related to sex.

Fine, meet this rich man that you love in your city after he flies there and let him get a hotel room. Then the two of you have a formal date where both of you part ways after the date. Problem solved. If you like him, agree to have another date with him the next day. If not, he can tour the city or fly home.

[Reyhoney]

So I’m meeting the guy I’ve been talking to for 6 months early November, we both haven’t booked tickets yet but been working on it. He’s been saying he’d tell his boss for a week now, still hasn’t.

I know his family and friends know of me, but he rarely discusses me with them cause “nothings happened yet.” so I asked him if he’s told them he’s coming to see me and he said no, or “not yet”. I said well won’t they wonder where you disappeared to for a week?

He said he’s just worried about what they’ll think or say thinking this isn’t real or serious and judge him or whatever, and then he said well even if we don’t get along worst case scenario it would be a vacation for me!

I understand that he’s already trying to cut his losses and think of worst case scenarios, but what if it’s more than this, and he’s just coming to see me thinking oh just a fun vacation time for me where I’d probably get laid?

Am I just overreacting?

He's rich, though.


Past:


Past:



Now:



----
Past:


Now:




Past:



Now:





All of his actions are red flags if OP thinks they are red flags. There's no stranger on the internet that could tell me if my gut instincts were wrong or if what I perceive to be a red flag is not in fact a red flag. Yet OP has come here and asked if what she sees as a red flag is in fact a red flag, then argued with people's responses... meanwhile she contradicts herself.

If he's rich, let him take off from work and come meet you in your city. Let him get a hotel room and you can stay comfy in your own home. Meet him in a public place and have a date where the two of you talk in person, then he goes back to his hotel room and you return home to your comfortable abode. Less risk, less worry. This entire thread is a build up and a lot of hype for something that just hasn't happened yet.

OP says she will ask him to split the costs, then doesn't, then gets anxious and upset when he asks and questions his motives by thinking that his motives are related to sex.

Fine, meet this rich man that you love in your city after he flies there and let him get a hotel room. Then the two of you have a formal date where both of you part ways after the date. Problem solved. If you like him, agree to have another date with him the next day. If not, he can tour the city or fly home.

How am I contradicting myself? Where exactly? Those two threads I’m saying the exact same things. I’m putting all the money I’ve in my account now into this. I wasn’t waiting on him to treat me.

He wanted to meet in this other city, his pick. He was headstrong about checking it out, I didn’t want to and told him that but I thought I could manage to swing it if I really saved up. He didn’t want to stay at my place cause my sister lives there and he said I’m all greedy and want you alone with me the entire time.

Why are you quoting my other thread? This has nothing to do with him being rich or not. It’s not questioning his motives when he clearly says them out loud.

This is about me going into it when he thinks there’s no future, which is the first time I’ve heard him say it. I don’t want to invest all my emotions and all my savings when he’s already decided it’s not going to work out and it’s just a vacation.

He has an opinion, just like I do. I’m not asking you guys to go and meet him for me! 🙄

[Reyhoney]

Really pretty disappointing to get replies like this last one, I don’t care about the damn money, I would have paid everything I have to see him. And if it was about the money I would have just told him to come to my hometown and then I would have saved everything. It’s not about me not wanting to split the costs!

Also I started this thread about red flags way before the money splitting thing, use your brain.

I suggested we get an Airbnb, he refused to and picked a $200 a night hotel room, I told him that’s too much for a room, find something cheaper, he said no I want the best private one so you can scream all night.

It’s when I said it’s too much money, that he brought up the splitting cost thing, I would split the cost without him mentioning it, but when I can actually afford it. $200 a night for a week adds up.

I still said okay, I would just need to wait until I get paid, but then all that talk about him probably hurting me and it’ll be a fun sex full vacation for us that it really didn’t sit well with me. I’m investing everything into someone who doesn’t really care as much as I do.

Is that bad and evil of me!?

[Rezie]

no one is calling you bad or evil. we need our comments on the information you give to us. your last message has new information and is completely different from the original post. only you know what he has said and happened.

you don't think he is the type of guy you want meet and see red flags. maybe you should believe them and move on from the relationship.

[Reyhoney]

no one is calling you bad or evil. we need our comments on the information you give to us. your last message has new information and is completely different from the original post. only you know what he has said and happened.

you don't think he is the type of guy you want meet and see red flags. maybe you should believe them and move on from the relationship.

Thank you. I appreciate that. No one is getting that this does break my heart. I feel like I lost something precious, and that I overestimated his feelings and interest for me.

I also feel inadequate, that he doesn’t think this would work out. I feel like I failed a test.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Really pretty disappointing to get replies like this last one, I don’t care about the damn money, I would have paid everything I have to see him. And if it was about the money I would have just told him to come to my hometown and then I would have saved everything. It’s not about me not wanting to split the costs!

Also I started this thread about red flags way before the money splitting thing, use your brain.

I suggested we get an Airbnb, he refused to and picked a $200 a night hotel room, I told him that’s too much for a room, find something cheaper, he said no I want the best private one so you can scream all night.

It’s when I said it’s too much money, that he brought up the splitting cost thing, I would split the cost without him mentioning it, but when I can actually afford it. $200 a night for a week adds up.

I still said okay, I would just need to wait until I get paid, but then all that talk about him probably hurting me and it’ll be a fun sex full vacation for us that it really didn’t sit well with me. I’m investing everything into someone who doesn’t really care as much as I do.

Is that bad and evil of me!?

I find this creepy, esp coming from someone you don't know well...

[Reyhoney]

I thought the same thing. The entire speech he made gave me a stomach ache.
Maybe like others say he meant well but it has gotten to me.