I had this conversation with my boyfriend on phone for 2 hours and now I feel so gratified.
He left work at 11pm today because they were running into loads of problems and were 6 hours late to deliver some data. He was tired when he got back home and we started to video chat from almost 12. We talked about when I could visit next month and he suddenly asked when I'd finish my study (which he definitely knows!).
I said I'd finish in another two years but I might consider going to Hong Kong in my last year if I could sort out the visa issue and convince my supervisor etc. Then I told him I'd tell my parents and the relationship might become "really serious" when they're involved, and that's when he said "I'm not here for a super serious relationship. If you tell your parents then everything would become super serious and they'd wonder when I'd ask the question. I'm just...not into that."
I was caught off guard and I asked what he meant. He then started to talk about how guys would always look into girls even they're having a perfect girlfriend or wife, and "that's what guys do and girls don't". I was more confused and asked if he's talking about himself, and he said "Yeah...I always looked into other girls, I enjoyed chasing other girls. I guess I'm just not the long term committed boyfriend kind of guy."
I was hurt for sure when I heard this, and I demanded further explanation. I asked if he's chasing someone now, and he was like "NO!!!", and I asked if he's spotted someone, and he was still like "NO!!!". I then asked if it's because of the distance and he's getting me "prepared" mentally, and he said he'd still look into other girls if we're in the same city.
I became really frustrated as I didn't understand why he brought this up out of nowhere-if he's not messing around with anyone. So I asked "Why are you telling me this all in a sudden? You know no girl will accept this and you don't want to see me looking into other guys, do you?" He said "I know, of course I don't want to see you with other guys. When I was younger I didn't have many girls, and that's why then I kind of felt that I should be with more girls. You're only with one guy and then me, I don't want to see you later realize that you want to experience more guys. I know it's very bad, but I enjoy the excitement of chasing other girls and I know I'll feel guilty if I do this to you."
I was totally surprised as my boyfriend never opened up for things like this before, so I asked him:"Do you feel that ever since you're with me, you're a better person? That you're not doing things you consider bad anymore?" And he said:"Yeah, and that's what really scares me. I want to let you know that I was a person like that, I always looked into other girls, but now I'm not, ever since we're together I haven't looked into any girls. I guess I'm a better person."
Then I told him that I believe a good relationship would always bring out the better part of ourselves. He agreed and said it's so nice that we had the conversation. Then we realized it's 2am his time and he needs to get up at 7:15am, so he went to bed.
Well, I guess me mentioning my parents just made him panic and his hidden "commitment issues" all came out. And that's why he started to call himself "not a long term committed boyfriend kind of guy" etc. He said at the beginning that his "looking into other girls" is nothing about intimacy and he never cheated in any relationships before. I think he's trying to tell me that he used to be a guy who flirted with other girls when in a relationship, even he knew it's bad, he couldn't stop himself from doing it. I'm so glad I asked at the end if he felt he's getting better since we're together and I'm so relieved when he told me he felt himself a better person now.
My boyfriend is not good at talking about his feelings (especially insecurities, like the possibilities of him going down the same road of flirting around or me realizing that I haven't been with "enough" guys) but he just opened up tonight. I really like how honest he is about things. I guess the perfect guy/girl may exist but they're so few, and the rest of us all have loads of flaws. I hope I also become a better person myself because of this relationship, I hope everyone does.
He left work at 11pm today because they were running into loads of problems and were 6 hours late to deliver some data. He was tired when he got back home and we started to video chat from almost 12. We talked about when I could visit next month and he suddenly asked when I'd finish my study (which he definitely knows!).
I said I'd finish in another two years but I might consider going to Hong Kong in my last year if I could sort out the visa issue and convince my supervisor etc. Then I told him I'd tell my parents and the relationship might become "really serious" when they're involved, and that's when he said "I'm not here for a super serious relationship. If you tell your parents then everything would become super serious and they'd wonder when I'd ask the question. I'm just...not into that."
I was caught off guard and I asked what he meant. He then started to talk about how guys would always look into girls even they're having a perfect girlfriend or wife, and "that's what guys do and girls don't". I was more confused and asked if he's talking about himself, and he said "Yeah...I always looked into other girls, I enjoyed chasing other girls. I guess I'm just not the long term committed boyfriend kind of guy."
I was hurt for sure when I heard this, and I demanded further explanation. I asked if he's chasing someone now, and he was like "NO!!!", and I asked if he's spotted someone, and he was still like "NO!!!". I then asked if it's because of the distance and he's getting me "prepared" mentally, and he said he'd still look into other girls if we're in the same city.
I became really frustrated as I didn't understand why he brought this up out of nowhere-if he's not messing around with anyone. So I asked "Why are you telling me this all in a sudden? You know no girl will accept this and you don't want to see me looking into other guys, do you?" He said "I know, of course I don't want to see you with other guys. When I was younger I didn't have many girls, and that's why then I kind of felt that I should be with more girls. You're only with one guy and then me, I don't want to see you later realize that you want to experience more guys. I know it's very bad, but I enjoy the excitement of chasing other girls and I know I'll feel guilty if I do this to you."
I was totally surprised as my boyfriend never opened up for things like this before, so I asked him:"Do you feel that ever since you're with me, you're a better person? That you're not doing things you consider bad anymore?" And he said:"Yeah, and that's what really scares me. I want to let you know that I was a person like that, I always looked into other girls, but now I'm not, ever since we're together I haven't looked into any girls. I guess I'm a better person."
Then I told him that I believe a good relationship would always bring out the better part of ourselves. He agreed and said it's so nice that we had the conversation. Then we realized it's 2am his time and he needs to get up at 7:15am, so he went to bed.
Well, I guess me mentioning my parents just made him panic and his hidden "commitment issues" all came out. And that's why he started to call himself "not a long term committed boyfriend kind of guy" etc. He said at the beginning that his "looking into other girls" is nothing about intimacy and he never cheated in any relationships before. I think he's trying to tell me that he used to be a guy who flirted with other girls when in a relationship, even he knew it's bad, he couldn't stop himself from doing it. I'm so glad I asked at the end if he felt he's getting better since we're together and I'm so relieved when he told me he felt himself a better person now.
My boyfriend is not good at talking about his feelings (especially insecurities, like the possibilities of him going down the same road of flirting around or me realizing that I haven't been with "enough" guys) but he just opened up tonight. I really like how honest he is about things. I guess the perfect guy/girl may exist but they're so few, and the rest of us all have loads of flaws. I hope I also become a better person myself because of this relationship, I hope everyone does.
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