First meeting, so confused.

[Rey]

I’ve been here before but decided to come back to talk about my first meeting with my long distance love interest. Last post I mentioned I had lots of issues overcoming doubts and anxiety about meeting him, but many of the users on here convinced me to give it a go anyway and I did, and I can’t understand what happened a week later.

We met on Halloween and he arrived the night before me and was going to pick me up from the airport, he was so late cause his uber app wasn’t working but I didn’t mind at all, I just wanted to meet him after 7 months of chatting. He walked towards me smiling and put his arms around me and kissed me on the lips, it felt weird cause he didn’t even say hi first, and he was very touchy feely. That first day was a bit strange, he wasn’t like what I expected personality wise, he was really insecure which shocked me cause he always came off so confident. Other than that first day the rest went amazingly well, we were smiling and laughing and dancing just having a great time, he was a different person in real life but a person I was falling in love with still, he was so affectionate and physical, always wanted to hold me, kiss my hands, forehead, my neck, falling asleep holding me.

Even in the middle of the night when he’s basically unconscious he’d grab and pull me to him to kiss me. He didn’t want to let go. One time I fell asleep before brushing my teeth and he came and carried me to the bathroom to brush our teeth together, it was so surreal. He wanted to wash my hair, brush it and braid it.

Whenever we were out he’d look into my eyes and get so emotional whenever he talked about me or his feelings or how happy he is. All he was saying is I looked so beautiful and he wanted me to be happy and have a good time.

The day before our last we had brunch and I had way too many mimosas, we went back to the hotel and I told him I loved him, I don’t really remember what was even happening before that, but I was 100% sure he’d say he loved me. Everything he did screamed it. He then said I’m not at that level though.. and everything seemed to go downhill from there.

We sat down and he said he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry, but more of an intimacy comfort thing, I was so shocked, felt almost betrayed cause that’s not the signal he was giving me, that he was just so used to me. I asked him how come? He said when we kissed it was the most emotional feeling and he felt like he was pouring his soul into me. Then he said on another level I do love you, then later said I do love you, just not enough, and kept whispering I love you the entire night which really confused me so much. He said hearing me say those 3 words shook him.

He kept crying the whole night, saying sorry but that he was scared. We went to an awkward dinner afterwards, I was feeling pretty upset cause he was giving me completely different signals.

We went back to the hotel and sat across from each other saying we’ll sleep on different beds, we kept talking about random things then he cried again so I hugged him and he said he’d like if we sat together in the bed and watched tv one last time, he held me exactly like he was before, then started kissing me and we had sex for the last time, like a more romantic gentle last time. He kept saying he doesn’t want to forget my smell.

He was bawling his eyes and said he felt so bad for being late to picking me up from the airport and so insecure so that kiss was to overcompensate to how nervous he was. That he ruined that day.

He took me to the airport the next day after more crying, he said he hasn’t cried this much in years. At the airport he didn’t want to let go but eventually we had to say goodbye. He texted me on the plane saying how after 7 months he’s still stunned by me and wishing we had more time. He said he liked me even more than he expected to.

The next day was his turn to go back home and he texted me more saying he’s feeling hurt, regret, sadness and numbness, and wishing he was stronger to take this forward and he’s so sorry. He said he’d like us to be friends once we both move on, but that he needs time to find closure and move on.

I’m gutted, I feel so confused and I don’t understand what happened, I’m not that stupid, I mean if he was acting aloof or unhappy I would have known, but he acted so smitten and so happy the entire time. On our walks a day before he said he didn’t want this to be casual and didn’t want me to even say that, he said don’t you think this is worth it? He seemed so ready to go forward.

We deleted each other off social media, but I still have him on WhatsApp and he’s been checking it non stop.

What happened? Why did he act so in love if he wasn’t? Should I just let it all go and forget about him?

[MariaEx]

Just a wild guess but he seems a very confused, insecure person that wanted physical intimacy and emotional reassurance and that's it. Since there is no communication after all the days you spent together try to cope with the pain and move on. If he tries to contact you, make sure that he means it and it's not another act of filling up his batteries of attachment and intimacy and leaving you drained. Best of luck and keep strong!

[Lio]

I have the feeling he loves you more than a friend with benefits (that's obvious). I mean, way more than that. But there's the possibility that he felt something is missing for him to be 100% sure of his feelings.

Something I don't recall having seen in your previous thread, do you know about his past ? If he has been hurt a lot by someone, or something similar ? If so, that could partly explain the reason of it.
(if you told about it in the previous thread, then I apologize for having forgotten about it)

I think it's a good thing that you deleted each other from social media except one (it's something i hate to do, though I know it's necessary). It'll help you to move on while still giving the possibility of getting in a better relationship, first as friends, then possibly more if he's serious, less insecure. Because from what I read, it seems he's almost 100% sure of his feelings for you.

MariaEx's advice is wise too. Make sure he's serious when he'll contact you again. If he's not, then it will be time to forget about him. But I don't think it is as for now.

[erwin1973]

It seems to me that he, too, has some issues he didn't deal with fully yet. I'm sorry to hear about how the visit ended. Seems like he is a sweet guy that has his doubts. May be he finds it hard to be in an LDR? Looks like he was really sweet to you. Wish you all the best.

[Rey]

Just a wild guess but he seems a very confused, insecure person that wanted physical intimacy and emotional reassurance and that's it. Since there is no communication after all the days you spent together try to cope with the pain and move on. If he tries to contact you, make sure that he means it and it's not another act of filling up his batteries of attachment and intimacy and leaving you drained. Best of luck and keep strong!

He sent the last message but I said nothing back cause I feel like we’ve said it all. He said he needs more time to find closure and move on, which confused me, what closure does he need!?

I feel like I’d be an idiot to try again with him. You’re right, I need to get over this heart shattering experience and move on.

[Rey]

I have the feeling he loves you more than a friend with benefits (that's obvious). I mean, way more than that. But there's the possibility that he felt something is missing for him to be 100% sure of his feelings.

Something I don't recall having seen in your previous thread, do you know about his past ? If he has been hurt a lot by someone, or something similar ? If so, that could partly explain the reason of it.
(if you told about it in the previous thread, then I apologize for having forgotten about it)

I think it's a good thing that you deleted each other from social media except one (it's something i hate to do, though I know it's necessary). It'll help you to move on while still giving the possibility of getting in a better relationship, first as friends, then possibly more if he's serious, less insecure. Because from what I read, it seems he's almost 100% sure of his feelings for you.

MariaEx's advice is wise too. Make sure he's serious when he'll contact you again. If he's not, then it will be time to forget about him. But I don't think it is as for now.

I really don’t think he even knows how he feels, I have a feeling that his mind was made up about me even before coming (if you remember from my thread) but he ended up liking me more than he thought he would, but just not enough to keep this moving forward and this is where all the crying came from. He hates feeling hated or like the bad guy.

I think his past love experiences have to do with it, he said he tried for so long to make it work with his last ex and wasted so much time and doesn’t want to repeat his mistakes.

[Rey]

It seems to me that he, too, has some issues he didn't deal with fully yet. I'm sorry to hear about how the visit ended. Seems like he is a sweet guy that has his doubts. May be he finds it hard to be in an LDR? Looks like he was really sweet to you. Wish you all the best.

Thank you erwin, yes I don’t believe he was strong enough to deal with something this complicated and I feel like he wants something tangible now.

[Lio]

I really don’t think he even knows how he feels, I have a feeling that his mind was made up about me even before coming (if you remember from my thread) but he ended up liking me more than he thought he would, but just not enough to keep this moving forward and this is where all the crying came from. He hates feeling hated or like the bad guy.

I think his past love experiences have to do with it, he said he tried for so long to make it work with his last ex and wasted so much time and doesn’t want to repeat his mistakes.

Making our minds up about someone is something common, even about online friendship - it's not always about a love relationship, or something which is supposed to result in this way. We may get along with this person or that person, whom we met online first, and when we meet in real life, we realize that we don't get along that well, due to this or that reason or difference. By difference, I mean, we imagine the person we're chatting with has some trait of personality, then when we meet, we realize the person doesn't really have this trait, or shows it differently than online. Better cases exist too, when we still get along with the person when meeting.

If he hates feeling hated or like the bad guy, then he should behave the right way which won't make him feel so. Easier said than done, I admit. But after having spent some time with you, and made you feel loved, he should know that saying something like "I'm not at that level" or talking about difference of chemistry, and so on, would make you feel bad - especially after all the "loving" time spent together. So, if he didn't want to feel like being a bad guy, he should have behaved differently starting from the beginning, in order you not to be surprised or disappointed if the same thing occured.

Though we can't say it is a bad thing to avoid repeating mistakes. But at our ages, it's time to act as grown-ups ! He made mistakes with his ex ? Then he should learn from these, in order not to repeat them with you. Because the result is, you are confused, and he seems disappointed at himself, due to the way he treated you. He's hurt, he regrets ? Then he should learn from this and make sure he's making the right decision, if he contacts you again and knows better how he feels towards you.

[Rey]

Thank you Lio, I just kept thinking I just wasn’t good enough, or it’s my fault he didn’t like me, but I did my best, I gave him the benefit of the doubt after my last thread and gave it a second chance.

Maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better but I feel like I was led on, if he felt no chemistry why didn’t he just say it the first few days? Or why didn’t he act like it, just act like we are friends?

I think going no contact now is probably the best idea, I’m not sure he’ll even contact me again.

[erwin1973]

It is never your fault if someone doesn't like you, as long as you are yourself (I hope you get what I mean). Sometimes people just don't get along, either because of very different personalities, or because of history in their lives that made them cautios, insecure, or even scared for relationships (in this case).

I agree with Lio that if he didn't want to be the bad guy, he shouldn't have given you hope at first, and then turn you down. That is cruel in my eyes. Or... he was really trying hard and found out he couldn't do it. That's the problem, we don't know, and you may even not know until he tells you. And as he is looking for 'closure', I think that means it's the end of the relationship.

May be you'd be the wiser and tell him good bye and block him. Then you can grieve a bit, get over it, and go on with your life. Waiting forever until he might have found closure, is not going to help you.

It's just my thoughts.

[Rey]

It is never your fault if someone doesn't like you, as long as you are yourself (I hope you get what I mean). Sometimes people just don't get along, either because of very different personalities, or because of history in their lives that made them cautios, insecure, or even scared for relationships (in this case).

I agree with Lio that if he didn't want to be the bad guy, he shouldn't have given you hope at first, and then turn you down. That is cruel in my eyes. Or... he was really trying hard and found out he couldn't do it. That's the problem, we don't know, and you may even not know until he tells you. And as he is looking for 'closure', I think that means it's the end of the relationship.

May be you'd be the wiser and tell him good bye and block him. Then you can grieve a bit, get over it, and go on with your life. Waiting forever until he might have found closure, is not going to help you.

It's just my thoughts.

I’m definitely not waiting on him, he will have to find closure himself, and same with me, I don’t think he’s the one who will give me closure. I just need to try to process it and understand what happened and learn from it. He asked me to be friends once I move on, and I told him of course, I feel like I’m already moving on, and part of me is really moving on, probably cause I feel like I’ve done all I can to make it work.

I really hope I can put it all behind me.

[erwin1973]

I’m definitely not waiting on him, he will have to find closure himself, and same with me, I don’t think he’s the one who will give me closure. I just need to try to process it and understand what happened and learn from it. He asked me to be friends once I move on, and I told him of course, I feel like I’m already moving on, and part of me is really moving on, probably cause I feel like I’ve done all I can to make it work.

I really hope I can put it all behind me.

That are very wise words. It looks like you can put it behind you, because you seem to want to. I wish you all the best.

[Redheart14]

Oh no! I'm so sorry that has happened. You deserve to be happy, remember that. Do what is best for you. You need to make yourself the number one priority. So sorry to hear that, but, be proud of yourself for taking the chance and not wondering 'what if'.

[Rey]

Oh no! I'm so sorry that has happened. You deserve to be happy, remember that. Do what is best for you. You need to make yourself the number one priority. So sorry to hear that, but, be proud of yourself for taking the chance and not wondering 'what if'.

Thank you Red. And that’s exactly it, I wanted to find out for sure and explore it all and hope for the best, I definitely didn’t want to keep wondering what if. It would have driven me crazy for much longer and not letting me move on since I would have been hooked up on the fantasy, that’s not real.

[Rey]

Update:

So it’s been 4 months since what happened and I wanted to update just in case this unfortunate thread benefits someone someday.

5 weeks after it all crashed and burned I was still reeling with pain, my chest would seriously hurt and I couldn’t breathe. I deleted him everywhere and I changed my phone number, my best friend recommended I email him confronting him of everything and let it off my chest and I was against it but then I decided to. He replied right away and admitted all his mistakes and regrets and saying how he really hated himself for everything he did and that he hopes I forgive him and that he still misses me and our time together and all the happiness it brought him. He asked questions to keep the emails going but I didn’t reply. I felt better afterwards.

He was still checking my Snapchat and Instagram stories even though we weren’t even friends on there. It got me thinking of him again, I still had strong feelings for him and even though I wanted to hate him and move on my feelings were sucking the life out of me. I texted him in January from my new number (I regret it now.) but he seemed so happy to hear from me and asked if he can call me and he said he’s really missed me. We texted back and forth and talked on the phone for a few times and I had all these questions I wanted to ask him. He said he regrets getting physical so fast and wishes we had stayed more honest to each other and I told him I WAS honest. He added that he kept thinking about me for so long after going back home and he thought he made a big mistake and wanted me back but thought it wouldn’t be fair to me and he’s afraid he’d hurt me again cause he’s difficult to understand.

We talked for like a month and the entire time he was flirting with me and asking if he ever came here again if I’d meet him or not and then he tells me he hooked up with a stranger drunk at a party and now he’s dating her and he thinks he wants her... two weeks with her and he says he wants her. At that point I got so disgusted with him, whatever last feelings for him went out the window and that was the last nail in the coffin for me. He even described their sex to me! And saying how he’s taking it slower with her so he doesn’t repeat his same mistakes like he did with me. (What’s slow about a hookup right?) anyway he even took her on a week long ski trip.

I decided that this was the last straw and I’m so disgusted by his behavior and poor decisions. He’s almost 33 and he acts like a little child out of control.

This has helped me move on and lose whatever shreds of romantic feelings I have for him. He has no honor. I’m glad all of this happened cause he wasn’t worth how hard a LDR is and I’m glad I didn’t waste years on him.

I haven’t healed completely yet cause I still feel so betrayed by him, I never saw any of this coming.

I hope this helps anyone... take caution and don’t believe everything someone tells you because they’re only telling you what they want you to know. I will be okay, sooner than later, I hope.