Out of reason and numb, any advice is appreciated

[Butterflydreams]

Long story short... been together 4 years and have spent 1.5 years a part, marriage came up and I was delighted but he had other plans. Things are getting petty and confusing, he refuses to consider marriage due to whats ifs and maybes, visa commitment reasoning taking over and suggesting we wait another 3 years before marriage.

Can't say this hasn't broken my heart, when imagining a life with someone you never foresee the negative or sadness. Recently, during a marriage talk he made it clear he will not be changing his mind and perhaps it would be easier to break up rather than consider marriage. Saying the bullshit quotes of 'if you love something let it go' etc. But now he's visiting because its our anniversary and he doesn't want me to be alone lol.

There is only so much a person can take, only so much a person can emotionally accept before completely losing themselves. Seriously don't know what to do now, what to say or how to act, been completely avoiding his family and friends because my words may lie but somehow facial expressions always expose the truth.

Any advice, any insight or any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated!! Thank you in advance.

[Redheart14]

Sounds like you've already decided what you want. Maybe a discussion face to face would be better.

[Fedorya]

Hello !

I had a quite similar LDR.
But i was the once who was bringing the mariage talk.
Short story we was 2 years togethers, our situations was ideal for thinking about mariage (Finances OK, Works OK, Families Ok).
But the lady started to tell me that she doesn't see herself maried, that i should give her the space the LDR offer her if i really love her, yatayata...

I ended up meeting her for 3 weeks, in the optic to make my mind once for all.
At the end of these weeks, it was clear she didn't want to marry (i even strongly suspected a double life), so i just broke up.
She told me she didn't understood why i break up, that our relation is great the way it is.
I simply told her that we have different goals in this relationship. (Thats why having a CLEAR and DEFINITE end goal is VITAL in LDR, set it right from the start (being marriage, live togethers, open relationship...)
She just wanted a lover from afar, who would visit her sometimes and be present for her on phone or videocall when things go wrong.
I wanted to found a familly.

Incompatibles goals that all.

In your situation Butterflydreams, i would suggest that you talk to him face to face, (if the distance between you is too big a videocall will do).
From what i see, i strongly suspect that the guy want to break up and can't take the distance anymore or simply have found someone else where he is now (its just POSSIBILITIES) but is too coward to ask for a break up himself (its very common), so he try to lead you to it so that you ask for it yourself.
I can be wrong thou, and the dude just reticent to marry because YES, if you live in different countries, visa procedure and all these paperwork are tiring and endless (I am experimenting it now), but when you really love someone and want to share your life with this person, these paperworks are nothing.
Or maybe he is just one of these men who chicken out when it come to mariage.

My opinion : Talk to him or meet him, and make your mind. Its not easy i know, but if its making your life miserable, better turn the page and move one, there is tons of others peoples on this planet who would gladly accept marrying you.

[erwin1973]

It sounds harsh, may be... but it seems the relationship is not bringing you what you hoped for. And it seems that it will not do that, either. Remember that the most important person in your life is you. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of another. I don't say you should be selfish, I mean that you should always consider what something is doing for you. Does it make you happy? No? Then may be you should consider pulling out of the relationship. Since he is so persistent in his refusal and it seems like you already made up your mind, I guess it's just a matter of telling him. I know it's hard, I don't deny that. Be strong.

[Butterflydreams]

Thank you to everyone who replied! Really appreciate the words of wisdom and support.