How to patch things up?

[Zephii]

Asking might help, unless he thinks you should just know. And then you're in trouble I guess.

The thing is... it's him with the issue. He's the one that's hurt, and he needs to be willing to let go of it and experience how much you love him. I probably sound like a complete idiot here, but believe me, people cling to hurts and miseries for a lot of reasons, and until he is ready to forgive no matter what you do, he's not going to "feel it" it'll just get to the point where he thinks you're protesting too much - trying to convince him and yourself rather than doing things because you want to.

I think all you can do is talk through the issue, learn why it still bothers him and then ask for a second chance.

[LadyMarchHare]

If you ask me, he's abusing you by lording this what I assume was an accidental incident over you, guilting you into busting your chops while he sits back and nurses wounds that, chances are, aren't there anymore. Frankly now he's just being a brat and brats need to be pulled over one knee and smacked until the fear of God is imprinted on their butt.

You've more than made up for a SINGULAR mistake. Now it's his turn to make up for acting like an ass. If he's going to leave you because you grow a backbone and be assertive about saying "look I did all I could think of, it's not my job to read your mind" then he wasn't worth keeping anyway. Nobody needs to deal with that.

[annamorgan]

If you ask me, he's abusing you by lording this what I assume was an accidental incident over you, guilting you into busting your chops while he sits back and nurses wounds that, chances are, aren't there anymore. Frankly now he's just being a brat and brats need to be pulled over one knee and smacked until the fear of God is imprinted on their butt.

You've more than made up for a SINGULAR mistake. Now it's his turn to make up for acting like an ass. If he's going to leave you because you grow a backbone and be assertive about saying "look I did all I could think of, it's not my job to read your mind" then he wasn't worth keeping anyway. Nobody needs to deal with that.

Couldn't have said it better!

[paulawriteslove]

Personally, I think you've done enough. He should be accepting you and not making you prove yourself to him. I think you need to give him some time or something.

[orangelove]

Just wanted to say I haven't stopped reading this. Just deep in thought. lol That's why I'm not responding

[XX, Lexi]

I have to agree with what everyone said, Orangelove. You've done all that you could to prove to him that you truly are sorry, he needs to accept your apology, all that you did and start to get over it. Like LMH said, he's acting like an ass.
He may need time, is what I'm thinking. I would talk to him about the issue and tell him that you've done all you can, it's him who needs to fulfill his part now and start to forgive.

[Karringtyn]

the control this man holds over you is scary hon. Been there..done that. You have done all you can.

May I ask you...What is the payoff for you in this? What do YOU get in this relationship.

[Silviar]

I know this guy and he's really good and sweet, he's just frustrated. I really don't want to lose him

I am going to slightly disagree with this. I'm sure he's all of these things, but he's also either unwilling to really give you a chance, or he is also a jerk. From what you've mentioned above, you've put in some real effort, especially given your LDR. Fixing a situation takes two people - you to ask for forgiveness and work towards healing, and him to accept and agree to work on the healing with you. He has to be open to your attempts for the situation to be fixed.

Please remember that in order for forgiveness and fixing to work, he does have to play a small part - it's not all you. From his crude response, it's pretty obvious he's still upset and right now is unwilling to give you a real chance. I don't know him, obviously, so my advice is a bit more open-ended - find a way to either 1) see if he'll give you a real chance to be forgiven with his acceptance, so you can work together as a couple, or 2) Send him a message saying you've tried and how you feel either your efforts aren't being accepted or that you need a break, and just spend some time apart. Eternity has a good thought down there - i I can't help but wonder if he's already decided that he doesn't plan to forgive you and has moved on, and hasn't told you.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope you can work things out to happiness of all.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm gonna agree with Silviar, and to add on I have to say the phrase "he's really a good and sweet guy" is terribly overused in abusive relationships. Like I said in my last post, this constitutes as emotional abuse. Whenever someone is trying to make you feel guilty, make you relive a mistake in that way, it's emotional abuse which can be just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. If he reacts this way to something that asinine, imagine when you're together and you have coffee with a guy friend or do the dishes wrong. This sort of behavior isn't a one-time deal and really nothing's gonna gloss over it, it's gotta be nipped in the bud.

[Silviar]

I'm gonna agree with Silviar, and to add on I have to say the phrase "he's really a good and sweet guy" is terribly overused in abusive relationships. Like I said in my last post, this constitutes as emotional abuse. Whenever someone is trying to make you feel guilty, make you relive a mistake in that way, it's emotional abuse which can be just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. If he reacts this way to something that asinine, imagine when you're together and you have coffee with a guy friend or do the dishes wrong. This sort of behavior isn't a one-time deal and really nothing's gonna gloss over it, it's gotta be nipped in the bud.

That is another part of my concern as well.

Emotional abusers often slide under the radar because they can get away with it. He could be off to a bang up start here.

[orangelove]

Ok, I do want to tell him that I've done all I can to "fix" it and he has to forgive or at least accept me to get to the next step, but I'm so nervous because I don't think it'll work. I think he'll leave and I know he's sort of being an ass right now but I've seen something sweet and wonderful in him. I just don't know where it is. I keep thinking if I can find a way to fix this and just get through this crap he'll be what I want him to be again. But I don't know what else to do or try. I don't know what the fuck he needs from me and I'm tired of being stressed and sad and hurt.

But I don't want to break up with him. I really really don't want to break up with him. I don't know what's going to happen afterwords. I've only ever had one boyfriend besides him and I can't imagine being happy with anyone else.

This is him by the way, if anyone's curious: https://orangina.glogster.com/s-and-k/

His favorite color's orange. That's why the background's the way it is.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well if we could imagine ourselves happy with someone else we wouldn't be in our current relationships, now would we?

And honestly I understand you want to keep him but if he wants to be the lesser man and leave you because you called him on his (HUGE) personality flaw and stood up for yourself then he was not worth keeping. You can't compromise your happiness and keep your mouth shut just to keep a man who isn't going to appreciate you and realize you're human and prone to mistakes, as is he. If you don't try, it definitely will not work. You've done all you can, if he goes it's entirely his fault and it's nothing you've done.

[Čternity]

I can't imagine being happy with anyone else

But you aren't happy with him. You are miserable. You haven't been happy with him in months. You've tried your best. You don't know what to do and he's not helping you. He is punishing you, deliberately making you feel worthless and weak because he was hurt. There is no end in sight.

That's what emotional abusers do - they make you feel bad about yourself so you think you can NEVER find anyone else and you HAVE to stay and put up with bullsh!t like this.

I understand you don't want to break up with him. No-one likes a break up. Love doesn't hurt like this. The world is full of wonderful guys who will treasure you when you find that right one even though it doesn't feel like it now. Don't let him convince you that you aren't worthy of love and won't find someone else. It's not true and it is meant to keep you in this trap.

EDIT: I'm sorry if this came off as harsh. I've seen friends go through this for months then years. They married these guys and then had kids with these guys and are stuck. They will never get out now.

[Karringtyn]

I know what it is like to be with a man like this. All to well. I sincerely hope you are "hearing" what we are saying.

You are NOT happy...reread what you have wrote hon.

[orangelove]

Um, I'm not sure what's happening. lol I started out a couple hours ago strong and saying "Hey, I'm sick of being treated this way. I've done more than enough to make up for this and right now we're at a point where either you accept me or we're over." But this man is an English major and we've pretty much been in a huge debate for hours and I feel like I'm slipping again to where I want to try and fix it more. I want to please him and be with him . I just can't help it. AHHH!