How to patch things up?

[mynameiseric]

Im going through something like this....Amanda did a couple things in the beginning of our relationship, and to this day I have not let her forget it. Im STARTING to learn (I still have a bit to go) but im starting to learn that its the past, and people do make mistakes. No she didnt cheat, but im just saying sometimes you need to look past the past, and I havent done that yet, but im really trying because I know she really cares. All I can say is that both of you need to talk it out and work TOGETHER...because he needs your support to because you did make a mistake, but he needs to give you chances to make it up to him too

[Karringtyn]

Um, I'm not sure what's happening. lol I started out a couple hours ago strong and saying "Hey, I'm sick of being treated this way. I've done more than enough to make up for this and right now we're at a point where either you accept me or we're over." But this man is an English major and we've pretty much been in a huge debate for hours and I feel like I'm slipping again to where I want to try and fix it more. I want to please him and be with him . I just can't help it. AHHH!

And he should want to please you and be with you....there has to be a common ground...stand up for yourself.

[Rugger]

Honestly, reading your post made me cringe. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and what you wrote reminds me of what my ex used to do to me. I would commit some "mistake" and then he would remind me of it for the rest of the time we were together. I did everything to try and make it better, and he would never let me forget it. He needed to control me and make sure I felt so worthless I wasn't going to leave him.

I'm just going to say it seems familar to me

[lisaar910]

I know how it feels to be in a relationship where you're so afraid of losing that person, but try to look passed that. It sounds like he's just on a big control trip. I bet if you stood up for yourself and told him you're not doing this alone anymore and stuck to it, he'd come around really fast. Even if he doesn't and just lets you go, he would've left eventually anyways. If he loves you and thinks he's losing you, he'll stop treating you like this and try to make it work with you. Sometimes you have to take chances to make yourself happy. You deserve so much better!

[LadyMarchHare]

Im going through something like this....Amanda did a couple things in the beginning of our relationship, and to this day I have not let her forget it. Im STARTING to learn (I still have a bit to go) but im starting to learn that its the past, and people do make mistakes. No she didnt cheat, but im just saying sometimes you need to look past the past, and I havent done that yet, but im really trying because I know she really cares. All I can say is that both of you need to talk it out and work TOGETHER...because he needs your support to because you did make a mistake, but he needs to give you chances to make it up to him too

I think you're giving the guy more credit than he deserves. He needs no 'support' at this point. Perhaps when it first happened and he was genuinely hurt, but like with some laws there's a statute of limitations on how long you can hold the 'victim's' hand and say sorry. That statute passed a long time ago for this and now SHE is the victim. And from the sounds of it, the whole mistake was an accident and nothing she intentionally did so really there's no need to even baby the offended like that.

orangelove, honey, you need some books on being assertive. It'll help you whether or not this relationship continues because you're being conditioned to back down and say sorry if someone so much as looks at you wrong. Which, coming from someone who's been there, I know is gonna screw you up if you don't get help. Do not give in to him, do not let him change the subject (I assume that's what you meant by the 'now we're in a debate' comment) and don't let him make you feel like you're something he scraped off his shoe from the yard. It's good you want to please people, but you can't put THEIR pleasure above yours, ever. Take care of you, then bother with someone else's happiness.

[KyleTheMan]

Orangelove, you sound like a really sweet woman. You've done way more than anyone could have ever done to fix this issue. Heck! My SO doesn't do more than half of things for me that you did for your SO and i feel very happy with her! Like everyone has said, this has gone beyond fixing a mistake and into emotional abuse. Truthfully, i felt sad just reading the thread. I'm sorry this is happening to you. But all the advice in the world wont fix this issue if you don't stand up for yourself and do something.

At this point threatening to break up is the only way i can think will fix this. Even then, what kind of guy is he? What if you do another mistake and this happens again? You need to remember that a relationship is about two individuals working together, loving each other. Its not a parasitic type of thing. You're not dependent on him to continue your life. You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to be happy in this relationship. If this man wont provide that then someone else will one day. Not succumb to impatience. He's not the only man out there.

Now if you want to fix this issue with him, you need to have some strength. Stand up for yourself. He's acting like a bully and he should be treated as such.

[redvelvet777]

ohmygod ok um shit took a weird scary turn! finally got to the break up part and he's talking about hurting himself and i'm really scared. he's bipolar

[redvelvet777]

oh my god i am having like a panic attack i am shaking so bad

[lisaar910]

Calm down, hun. One of you has to stay somewhat calm. Can you talk to him? Ask him why he wants to hurt himself. If he's upset about breaking up, tell him you're willing to work things out with him but only if he'll work with you too. I wish I could help more, but I'm not sure what else to tell you. Just try to stay calm and talk to him.

[orangelove]

no no he's not talking to me i am shaking so hard i don't know what to do i contacted his friends because i'm really really worried about him. and his friends don't know about me or anything i am so scared. i told them to check on him. he's not talking to me

[lisaar910]

Are his friends going to check on him?

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not trying to make the situation less serious than it is, but it's my experience that those who do say they're going to hurt themselves are simply showboating. And considering his history of trying to control you to get what he wants, I honestly think this is his way of trying to get you to take back what you said.

If you have his area code and address you can call the cops and have them transfer you to the station in his area just in case, but really I think he's pulling your leg.

[orangelove]

i know that's why i don't want to call the police. the only way i can contact his friends is through facebook but they're not my friends so i don't know if they're on. it's late they could be sleeping. it's so hard to type i'm shaking. i haven't gotten a message back

[orangelove]

i don't know his address

[lisaar910]

I'm not trying to make the situation less serious than it is, but it's my experience that those who do say they're going to hurt themselves are simply showboating. And considering his history of trying to control you to get what he wants, I honestly think this is his way of trying to get you to take back what you said.

If you have his area code and address you can call the cops and have them transfer you to the station in his area just in case, but really I think he's pulling your leg.

I totally agree! I'm sure it's all to make you feel guilty so he can regain control. If you feel like you need to do something, call the police.