I need your advice

[C.C.]

Because, if she found someone better than me (with a better personality, just someone that can make her happier than I ever did), or if she realized I would never be enough for her, then I would just let her go. There would be nothing for me to do. I just want her to be as happy as possible, and if I've never been the right guy (before shit happened, when we really loved each other), I would just stop wasting her time with me.

Have you ever said this to her and explained that this is why you have been asking her? And if this is your worry, you can honestly forget the hooking up part altogether and just ask "do you think I am enough for you and do you really want to be with me?" (in case/after you make up). The focus matters a lot. That way she'll know that this is your insecurity and you wanting to find things out rather than her doing something wrong.

[IzzyBloom]

Have you ever said this to her and explained that this is why you have been asking her? And if this is your worry, you can honestly forget the hooking up part altogether and just ask "do you think I am enough for you and do you really want to be with me?" (in case/after you make up). The focus matters a lot. That way she'll know that this is your insecurity and you wanting to find things out rather than her doing something wrong.

I will follow your advice and ask her that instead of saying "I know you lied to me".
I might have asked her already, definitely not as many times as "do you swear you don't want more than friendship?".
I feel like tho, if I asked her that anytime soon, she wouldn't reply either. So... I don't know when

[erwin1973]

I am under the impression that OP wants an out-of-the-box solution. Well, Izzy, there is none. You can blame us for what you want, that we do not understand, but it seems that you do not want to understand us. All who respond actually say the same thing, but you just go against it, time and again. Has it never crossed your mind that all of us know what we talk about? You're 22 for crying out loud. Stop acting like a crybaby and listen to what we try to tell you, in stead of being to proud.

I know I am harsh, but some people seem to want to be treated that way. We've got, what, 30 responses and you're still saying the same. That means you're not listening to what everyone is trying to tell you.

I'll leave it at this, I wish you all luck and please, please, go work on yourself!

[IzzyBloom]

I am under the impression that OP wants an out-of-the-box solution. Well, Izzy, there is none. You can blame us for what you want, that we do not understand, but it seems that you do not want to understand us. All who respond actually say the same thing, but you just go against it, time and again. Has it never crossed your mind that all of us know what we talk about? You're 22 for crying out loud. Stop acting like a crybaby and listen to what we try to tell you, in stead of being to proud.

I know I am harsh, but some people seem to want to be treated that way. We've got, what, 30 responses and you're still saying the same. That means you're not listening to what everyone is trying to tell you.

I'll leave it at this, I wish you all luck and please, please, go work on yourself!

What do you mean? I'm beginning to understand you guys, I swear. I'm actually less paranoid than I was yesterday. I really don't know what you mean. Your responses are actually helping me.

[autumn1790]

We had a disagreement? She appearantly lied to me so I'd break up with her. I got in touch with her mom before we broke up so she could give me advice and help us since she is my friend.

It's still a violation of her privacy to drag her family into it without her prior consent. If she had already talked about it with them, that's a different scenario. But to have added pressure from a different side only makes things worse. What if she doesn't want to discuss things with her mom and now you created tension between them as well? That's really not going to help you cause. This woman is primarily your girlfriend's mother, your friend last. Have some respect for that relationship.
I have a terrible relationship with my mother, so that's probably why my opinion is so harsh. If she was ever involved in a mess, ....just no.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I've tried to follow the discussion and will try to give you one last advice. Hopefully, it can help. Sorry if I'm not clear. English isn't my first language.

I have to tell you that you cannot start to be less paranoid in a few hours and you cannot trust someone as quickly as right now. It takes time. It takes months/years to reconstruct trust. You can put your hand on your ears to not hear it, but to have been in this situation, I know what I'm talking about. My SO, in the early beginning of our relationship had a huge crush on one of his friends. They went on dates behind my back and it took me a good year to just go over it and start (only just START) to trust him again. It worked because he cut all contact with her to focus on us. I didn't ask him. He just did it. But It takes time to reconstruct trust. It takes work on yourself and on a relationship. You can try to discuss it ONE last time with her. Get what you want of this discussion. Set boudaries. Try to find ways together to solve fights instead of breaking up and blocking each other. This is not being mature and committed to do that. You don't threaten to break up everytime you fight. You don't block either. You don't reach out to your father/mother in laws. You take a step back to breath and when you're ready, you talk together. Her mother might be your friend, but if you need to talk to someone, you go toward someone else, not your mother in law. She doesn't have to know what's going on in between you. She doesn't have to know why you fight and stuff like that. Those conversations, you can have them with a friend, but not with your SO's mother. I'd be totally mad at my partner if he would do that.

If you go back with her, you absolutely need to stop questioning her all the time, asking her about the guy and stuff like that. It's not good for you. Not good for her and not good for your relationship. If you need to discuss it, you get one last conversation. That's it. Then you move on and try focusing on the present and present only. It doesn't matter what was in the past, what's going to happen in the future. We are ALL in the same boat. We live miles away from our SO. They might tell us tomorrow morning they met someone else at work and it's finish. Why focusing too much on the future when you can live the present moment? I know it's hard to do. especially in a long distance relationship because you're always thinking about "next time I'll see her or him" or "in x amount of months, we can settle together". You might be hit by a truck tomorrow morning. I started taking this stance when my SO told me he was sick and would die of it. It may be in 1 or 10 years like in 60 years. We don't know. So it's important to focus on what we have now instead of worrying for tomorrow or for the past.

If you can't move on. If you're still paranoid, then seek help. I did it. There is nothing wrong with it. It helps a lot. Believe me.

Your girlfriend should do the same if she didn't do it yet. You didn't have the mission to save her life when she tried to commit suicide. You had to be there for her while she tried to fix herself and she unfortunately didnt seek help in time. You have a strong bound together because it's a terrible thing to live as a couple. Unfortunately, people change and sometimes, the bound we had with the person is broken and there's nothing that can repair it. I don't say it's impossible. I just think you guys lived quite a bunch of stuff together and sometimes, it's hard to fix things.

I watched a video today with the actor Will smith. He was telling about a conversation he had with his wife. He explained how his wife thinks that a partner cannot be your happiness. A partner can make you feel good, laugh, smile, but happiness comes from within a person. He said he retired in trying to make his wife happy because they both had to find a way to be happy with themselves to be able to stop asking the other to make them happy. And once they have been happy separately, they constructed a happy relationship.
This is a very clever thing he said and I think it applies to everybody on earth, but also to you. You're not happy right now because you constantly think about what she did to you. It's normal, but you need to take a step back and find back this happiness you had without accusing her of having lied or stuff like that. She also needs to take a step back to see what she did (if she did anything wrong by having a friend). This is only at this moment that you'll be able to come back together and build something stronger than right now.

And you asked earlier, when do I know I trust her back? When do I know I'm ready (or something like that). You'll know it when you'll stop being resentful, worrying about to whom she is talking to while you're far away, when you'll stop being sad/stressed/distrustful toward her. You have to trust life. To trust the fact that it might work like it might not work. If it is means to be, it will be. You should keep that in mind. There's no one that can tell you when you'll be ready or not. We don't know. You'll know when time will come.

There's not a lot we can do here. You got those whole bunch of people telling you the same thing. You need to take a step back. Turn off your machines. Breath a deep breath. Write your worries on a piece of paper and destroy it, do something you like to do, go out and have fun. I don't know. Just change your mind for a bit from this big storm and this big mess. Your mind will be clearer after and you'll be yourself able to take a decision. You'll know what to do.

I wish you the very best. If it doesn't work, you should just see it as a challenge to work on yourself to become a better person and to improve yourself so your next relationship might become more solid (im not saying you're the problem here. Just saying that we have to learn something from past mistakes/experiences). You're young. I'm young. We have a lot to learn out of these amazing and also hard experience.

[IzzyBloom]

Update:

I unblocked her and talked to her last Thursday. She said she has to think about things. Me breaking up and saying some thing (not terrible, but I had just assumed it was over) hurt her. She said everything wasn't ruined yet, I have the shell of her heart, but her heart disappeared when I broke up. Since then, she doesn't feel much like talking. I only say good morning and good night to her. She wants me to give her time.
Today, I told her I'm beginning to build trust with myself and therefore with her, and I'm going to get therapy to get through my trust issue. Just in case my own mind isn't enough. She hasn't replied yet.

[IzzyBloom]

She didn't reply to what I said, but she sent me a picture of us together in which she was smiling. How would you guys interpret this?

[erwin1973]

What do you think it means? That's more important than what I think, though I have a pretty good idea what it might mean...

































I think it means she's still happy with you.

[IzzyBloom]

What do you think it means? That's more important than what I think, though I have a pretty good idea what it might mean...



























I think it means she's still happy with you.

I think she misses those times when I used to make her really happy.

[erwin1973]

I think she misses those times when I used to make her really happy.

Then make her happy. You now know how to not do it. I am happy you are going to seek help. I did so, too, I still am seeing a psych, to be honest. It has helped me a great deal.

Sorry for being harsh before, sometimes I am. I hope you find yourself back and can make your lady happy again.

[IzzyBloom]

Then make her happy. You now know how to not do it. I am happy you are going to seek help. I did so, too, I still am seeing a psych, to be honest. It has helped me a great deal.

Sorry for being harsh before, sometimes I am. I hope you find yourself back and can make your lady happy again.

Thank you so much.

I asked her and she indeed misses those times. However, she said she doesn't know what to tell me yet. I'm too impatient...
I also asked her if we could talk about anything other than feelings in the meanwhile until her anger fades away. She said we can try. Do you guys think it would be a good idea if I let her know she is important for me through pictures or stuff without telling her how I feel?
Sorry I ask so many questions... I really don't want to hurt her again

[erwin1973]

I understand your insecurity and I think it could be a nice idea to just chitchat, if you both agree. About the weather, about your and her hobbies. I would leave her work out of it, it I were you.
You have a good heart, I think. Do your best, and try to understand when she keeps you hanging for a few days. She's having a hard time, too.
About the pics, I'm not sure. May be she feels you're pushing, then. Although a photo of a sunset or a flowerfield wouldn't hurt, I guess...

[IzzyBloom]

I understand your insecurity and I think it could be a nice idea to just chitchat, if you both agree. About the weather, about your and her hobbies. I would leave her work out of it, it I were you.
You have a good heart, I think. Do your best, and try to understand when she keeps you hanging for a few days. She's having a hard time, too.
About the pics, I'm not sure. May be she feels you're pushing, then. Although a photo of a sunset or a flowerfield wouldn't hurt, I guess...

So.... bad news.

I told her I was going to the doctor tomorrow. She finally spoke and let me know how she felt.
She said this song's lyrics Christina Perri - you shot my heart described it.
She is not in love with me anymore, she thinks I realized she wasn't worth fighting for when I broke up with her. However, part of her wants me to make her fall for me again and fight for her.

This is what I said:
I already noticed you don't really want me anymore
and I understand, I should have been less fucking demanding with the girl I loved
I'm willing to make you fall for me again, if you give me a chance
You never told me I was hurting you so much, all you did was apologize
It was mainly my fault for acting the way I acted, but it was also yours for not being able to tell me what the fuck was going on with me (she has always had communication problems, had I known I was acting like an asshole I would have really thought about it).
Still, when your anger fades away, I will be here. Willing to make you fall for me again, because I think you are worth it. And because I think the only unfixable thing in this life is death.
So, if you want me to make you smile again, as you can appreciate in the pictures (I sent her some pictures of us), I will be here.
I love you, M****. I'm also sorry.
Goodbye.


Yep, pretty delicate situation... I'm honestly going to move on. I doubt she will even talk to me ever again. You never know, though.

Thank you all for your help! I will still update if it's worth it

[erwin1973]

I'm sorry to hear this. The best thing you can do, is learn from your mistakes. I know you're working on it and that is really good. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.