Stressing Behaviour - Advice needed

[lelyta]

There is no need to apologize for writing in here, you belong here just like everyone else .

No one here is annoyed, I think everyone is just really worried for you because we can see how sweet you are, and how you seem so worried about hurting your guy...yet he continues to turn around and treat you so badly. You're 16, you have so much life ahead of you, and a real chance to meet someone who treats you well ALL the time, who listens to you when you raise concerns, and who never, ever yells at you or makes you feel bad for just taking up space, making you feel like you're doing things "wrong". You shouldn't always feel like you're on thin ice around your boyfriend. You should feel safe. You need to realize that you deserve so much more. This isn't the last guy you are going to love, and someone else will love you so much better.

Please post as much as you need.

Yes yes... Please! We're much worried than annoyed! Please write for us if something happen, that would help. You are 16 right? Are you still in school? Do you think you can get support you need from your family and friends? How old is your bf?

You said before that you did many bad things too in your relationship? What were those things? Mind to share? Because maybe what you think is bad actually isn't. Hope you feel better today

[autumn1790]

Never feel like you deserve to be mistreated because you messed up. We all mess up, sometimes very badly. Yes, our partners have the right to be upset, but they don't have the right to mistreat and verbally abuse us, neither do we have the right to do that to them. What is the point of a relationship which is supposed to be about equality and partnership and love, if it's a constant seesaw of fighting and making up? He will never change; I fully second the suggestion to look up narcissism as he is exhibiting that behavior. Being sweet does not recompense for being an a**hole. You will not hurt him by breaking up; he is so wrapped up in himself and has so many mental problems he can only hurt himself. You owe him NOTHING. As hard as it is, please block him for your own good!!

[IvoryGrapefruit]

Yes yes... Please! We're much worried than annoyed! Please write for us if something happen, that would help. You are 16 right? Are you still in school? Do you think you can get support you need from your family and friends? How old is your bf?

You said before that you did many bad things too in your relationship? What were those things? Mind to share? Because maybe what you think is bad actually isn't. Hope you feel better today

Yes, I'm 16 and still at school. My boyfriend is 17. He's from Russia. I talked to my parents 2 days ago and they were both quite shocked but think it might be normal for my generation. They have been asking how everything is going though and I know they care a lot about me.

Well, about the things I offended him with... at the beginning of our relationship I waited a few weeks until I told my family that he is my boyfriend and not just my friend. I was too scared of their reaction and I thought it might not hold for long because he was not completely over his ex then. That really hurt him.
I also used to try to go away after arguments and ignore his calls for about 15-20 minutes even though he needed my support then :/
In our first few months together he also made a lot of effort for me, showing me movies and songs while I did very little for him then.
I also told him once in a quarrel about something I hadn't done right that if he didn't like how I do things, he could just go away. He still remembers that

There are also plenty of other things, I think there is a lot I hurt him with, too.

He still says he needs me and can't be without me and he tries to fix everything before yelling. He also says in his native language cursing like he does is normal and wouldn't hurt anyone. I don't know, maybe it's just a cultural difference and I overtake it.

I'm very sorry to make you guys worry. Thank you a lot for all that support.

[erwin1973]

Hi. I'd like to go through this step by step. Remember that I have been in a simular relationship for 10 years, so I know what I am talking about. I do not wish you to be in the same. Believe me that you are much better off without him!

Well, about the things I offended him with... at the beginning of our relationship I waited a few weeks until I told my family that he is my boyfriend and not just my friend. I was too scared of their reaction and I thought it might not hold for long because he was not completely over his ex then. That really hurt him.

Why did that offend him? More so, you have the right to tell your parent what you want and to not tell them what you don't want. Did he tell his parents straight away that you two are exclusive? He has absolutely no right whatsoever to be upset about you not telling your parents straight away about him. Period.

I also used to try to go away after arguments and ignore his calls for about 15-20 minutes even though he needed my support then :/

So, you have the right to end a relationship any time. When you're fighting so much the relationship makes you unhappy, you have the right to leave him. He has no right whatsoever to force you to stay with him. He needed your support, you say. When you decide to break up, that is his problem, not yours any more.

I also told him once in a quarrel about something I hadn't done right that if he didn't like how I do things, he could just go away. He still remembers that

That is a common reaction... people like him use your own words against you whenever they feel they want to.

There are also plenty of other things, I think there is a lot I hurt him with, too.

I don't think you can hurt him. I think he only acts like he is hurt.

He still says he needs me and can't be without me and he tries to fix everything before yelling.

Really??? So he tries to fix something, and after that he starts yelling at you anyway? Are you serious?

He also says in his native language cursing like he does is normal and wouldn't hurt anyone. I don't know, maybe it's just a cultural difference and I overtake it.

Cursing is bad language. NO, it's not a cultural difference (my ex-wife is Ukrainian!). He is abusive. He tries to scare you and by that scaring he forces you to do what he wants.

I'm very sorry to make you guys worry. Thank you a lot for all that support.

Don't be sorry. We worry because we want the best for everyone, even though sometimes we can be pretty harsh. That's why we support, of course. That's what the forum is for.

For the rest I'd like to say some things...
I don't think you love him. I think you only think you love him. Somehow I am under the impression he is your first boyfriend, right? Well, let me tell you, there are more boys then churches. Find a better one! He is claiming you and he is abusing you. Please try to see that. He doesn't love you, not for a single bit he does. He needs someone (in this case you) to make himself feel better than the rest, to feel powerful (by calling you names he diminishes you into nothing and it makes him feel great) and he acts in a two-faced-way to keep you uncertain, to make you hope it will get better.

Let me help you out of that dream. He is not going to change. I have tried the same with my now ex-wife, and even after we've been devorced for 3½ years, she's still trying her tricks on me. So after more than 15 years, she didn't change. Don't give yourself that two extra weeks of torture. Block him, get him out of your life. Concentrate on school, find someone who treats you with respect. That is what every lady deserves, so you too.

Please, try to listen to us. It sounds like you are very much in denial. I can understand, I have been there, done that. I have tried to fix a lost marriage for about 6 years. It didn't work. It only got harder and harder. I have been trying, pleading. I have done everything, believe me. But this kind of people don't change. When you give them a finger, they take your whole arm and demand more and more.

Run, girl, just run. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

And to end on a positive note:

They have been asking how everything is going though and I know they care a lot about me.

That is good. Be happy with your parents!

[Allurial]

I talked to my parents 2 days ago and they were both quite shocked but think it might be normal for my generation. They have been asking how everything is going though and I know they care a lot about me.

No this is not normal for any generation or culture to abuse and yell at your SO in such a manner doesn't matter age or whatnot. It's common human decency to treat others with respect and kindness especially ones who you are supposed to love and care for. As for all the mistakes you are told you did - let me tell you a thing to put it in perspective. I've been dating my SO for over a year and a half his family know of me but don't know we are dating its just implied as his mother has never been nice to his SO's and I'm okay with that. We spoke about it once he explained and I moved on - like a normal human should I didn't cry or yell or curse I just asked why. When me and SO argue I need a LOT of space and time to process and calm down before talking again he likes to hash it out right then, we compromised and he gives me a few minutes to take a breather before talking again. To be honest in most relationships someone will always feel like they are putting in more effort - does that make it right for the to bitch you out? Hell no! I put in more effort for sure but I'm a true romantic and him not as much but I've come to accept this I don't resent it just makes his effort mean so much more when he does.
If curing in his native language is normal and wouldn't hurt anyone there that's fine and dandy - but you aren't from Russia and he needs to change that because it does hurt you. You can't stop something from hurting you - if he's not willing to change (which I expect) leave. Actually just leave anyways this relationship is the definition of toxic and abusive.
I'm glad your parents are supportive - but again his behavior isn't normal for your generation or in general especially if he continues it knowing it hurts you.
Run - Leave - Get out You are young and have so much of your life ahead of you don't waste it on someone who makes you cry so often for just a few good moments

[snow]

How about this.

Take two different colors, that definitely differ like red and blue or green and orange. Now find yourself a monthly calendar. Every time he uses a curse word you make a line that day in one color, for every curse word. And every time he is sweet to you, you make a line in the other color.
At the end of one week, look at it and see if the good really outweighs the bad.

And here is the catch - every time he apologizes for an act that hurt you, cross the line out with the "good" color to see how many times he does or does not care about your feelings.

Maybe visualizing might make this more apparent

[IvoryGrapefruit]

Yesterday I talked to his dad, which was not a good idea, I know that. We had another quarrel and when he went away his dad came to ask if everything is alright. I told him why we were fighting and to not tell his son anything. I said I didn't want to get him into trouble. Sadly, he did and now my boyfriend's parents are mad at him and think he treats me badly.

That didn't make him happy but he didn't scream, probably because they were there. We talked everything out and he said he just didn't understand me before and went back to sweet.

It's all good now, I will see how it turns out. I kind of seem to have given a wrong image of him here and to his parents and I should fix it. He apologises for screaming most of the time when he calms down. So much so that he starts crying and I have to calm him down. Just when he does it again the next day he usually says he was right and I make him yell and say these things. It sort of didn't make me think he really meant his apologies. I think it's my fault after all, I looked over his "I'm sorry" so many times and can't just forget past things he said.

So about the suggestion with the colour notetaking - good would weight out the bad, I'm just too stubborn to see it.

And about the question if he is my first boyfriend - yes, he is. And it might be true that I don't love him. I know I did but at the moment I just feel indifferent about him. I'm not sure if what I did is right or wrong. I'm not sure in anything now, to be honest. He's been so nice last night and even now and it makes me think how long it will stay this way. Usually the sweeter he is, the worse things get when I do something wrong. He blames it all on himself and I know it is hard to deal with everything for him. I am not sure if he can forgive what I am putting him through right now :/

[erwin1973]

You know, Ivory...

I'm sorry to say this, but I think I give up. I don't know what to say anymore. I think you have to find out yourself now. We have tried so hard to make you see, but you keep clinging to 'loving him', even though even his father says he treats you bad. What more can we do to make you see? I think you have to find out yourself now.

But for all the love in the world, I do hope you find out sooner rather than later.

I wish you all the luck, but I feel you're not listening to our advice. I don't know what you wanted to hear, or what you hoped to hear. But I give up. I have done what I could, but if you don't listen to advice we all give you so much, what more can we do?

And I'm not even commenting either on the fact that you still think it's all your fault. Keep thinking what you want to think. If you think it's all your fault, fine with me. If you think it's all your fault, than change so that you don't hurt him anymore. Good luck with changing yourself into a nobody. Have fun.

[autumn1790]

He is entirely responsible for his own actions. You cannot make him yell at you. Don't let him pass the buck of his immaturity like that. He really needs to stop being a spoiled toddler.

[lelyta]

I think you are a very sweet and caring person. Which in this case, you deserve to be treated better. I think it's good you have your family (even his family!) on your side and you can always rely on them for support. Don't ignore them even though your bf would get upset. It's important for you to have them!

You know ldr is already hard, but you're really facing more difficulties due to his behavior. I suggest you do more research about healthy relationship so you can have a full picture how a relationship should be. Try more engaged with your school activities... Or better if you already have hobbies that you passionate about. Make it as a balance for your relationship. Whenever things got bad, try not to dwell about how you've made mistake, instead of that, use your energy to make something good (like planning your future maybe? Which skills you want to improve for your future, etc. Etc.)


P.S: Boyfriends are supposed to be sweet most of time and when they got upset, they wouldn't call names

[snow]

Ivory, sorry means nothing if you do the same thing after.
Sorry means I learned from my mistake and will take steps to not do it again and he is not.

His apologies mean jack shit since as soon as he gets mad, he forgets what hurt you and does it again.

Ivory, we will not tell you what to do, we simply point out things you may not see.

[erwin1973]

His apologies mean jack shit since as soon as he gets mad, he forgets what hurt you and does it again.

My opinion (and my 10 year long experience) say that this kind of people don't forget what hurts others. They knows pretty well what hurts and that is why they do that every time again. This kind of people (sorry to judge) are narcistic, sadistic and impossible to live with.

[snow]

My opinion (and my 10 year long experience) say that this kind of people don't forget what hurts others. They knows pretty well what hurts and that is why they do that every time again. This kind of people (sorry to judge) are narcistic, sadistic and impossible to live with.

Oh no, I know. I'm trying to be sympathetic with Ivory since she either truly believes that he forgets that he should not hurt her or she is so caught up in this abuse that she truly believes it is her fault

[Oceans]

I agree with this on the cursing . My SO is from Russia and he has never said anything disrespectful to me in English or Russian . This is abuse.

[IvoryGrapefruit]

Thank you all for your answers, it's very nice of you. Many people here say he is acting abusive but it really doesn't feel like this.

Last week we fought a lot but since 3 days he is amazingly sweet, he says he is very sorry and it was just a misunderstanding. He says he didn't understand why I was acting like I was but now he does and he is very sorry. He is behaving so sweet and considerate, telling me he likes my music taste which he always found ridiculous and in general saying so many nice things about stuff he hated before. I don't know if he is lying or not and I'm scared to believe him.

*I worry about him, he blames everything on himself. I don't think he can deal with it for much longer but I don't know how to help him. I only disappoint him lately and he is very sad about it. He loves me so much but I make him feel scared. He says he wants me to open up to him and trust him but it's so difficult to do. I can't not question his behavior and go on, yet, how will I know when I overdo it?

It's just so confusing, I don't know why I'm even writing this. I'm very sorry for making this so long and I hope I don't offend anyone and thank you again.