I need Advice, please

[Holly09]

Hi.

I have been doing long distance for 7 months now. And it didn't feel this unbearable until three weeks ago.

About two weeks ago my SO came to visit and the visit did not go well the majority of the time (it doesn't help that this trip was the first time my SO was around my family for a long period of time). All other visits have gone much better. This was the first real tough one. Even though the last day of the visit ended on a high note it has left me feeling horrible.

I feel like everything is off and out of sync. I feel like my SO is not as affectionate with their words like they used to be. I have brought it up and my SO has reassured me that they are all in for this relationship. But I still don't feel that support or reassurance. I am worried things aren't the same for him.

We have talked about future plans and ending the distance but what is hard is that these conversations only happen in person. And the span of time in between visits are just phone calls filled with recaps of our days rather than more heavier subjects.

I keep going to sleep every night crying. I feel like I am losing hope in the long distance relationship and it makes me scared. I am scared we won't get through it.

I don't even know if how I really feel is legitimate or if I am letting my mind run away with all the negative things that come to mind.

Any advice, tips, or insights? Just anything??

[paperplane]

Talk to them. Don't be afraid to broach the heavier subjects on Skype.
Tell them what you are afraid of. Ask him if he is feeling supported and reassured and if not, ask what you can do to help him feel that way. Ask the same of him.
I think there is so much pressure on visits to be AMAZING because of how little physical time we get to spend together, but it's OK if they aren't great the whole time. You're gonna fight, you're gonna have days where you on't want to be around them, and that is no different even if the time you spend together is shorter right now. As long as you guys communicate and are clear, you will know what is going to happen. The uncertainty is the worst part, imo.

[Rezie]

Sometimes the visits are just off. There were times when I was waiting for the visit to be over. It doesn't necesssarily mean anything. Try to get your groove back by talking the way you normally do. It will happen eventually. You need to stop reading too much into what he is saying or how he is being affectionate. I'm saying this because whenever I've had a bad conversation I disect it into little pieces and over analyse. If it doesn't go away then there is something more going on. Also, you can talk about the future on the phone. Actually, it might be better. Cause talking about future face to face is quite stressfull since you also have to fit in the amazing couple things.

[Lyssa]

Hi!

I can definitely say that you are not alone with how rocky your visit may have been. My special long distance person visited in December for the Christmas holidays and there were some rough days in between the good ones. You mentioned that you only have deep conversations in person and that you only talk about how your days are on the phone. I don't know your guys' schedule obviously, but is there any way you guys can dedicate a little bit more time to each other? I think with a long distance relationship, it is really important to make time for each other, so that you aren't just talking about what you did that day. You guys should be basically having a relationship that includes fun talks, deep talks, sad talks, happy talks, etc.

There are a lot of things you can do if you guys both have Skype or an equivalent! Lester and I have watched movies, sang random songs together, talked. He's still in college and sometimes I've helped him with his homework over Skype. There are a lot of ways you can co-exist, and I think that can make the long distance pain a lot easier to get through. It'll also give you the opportunity to talk about things you want to talk about. I've totally been there with going to sleep crying. Even 2 and a half years later and I can feel that pain sometimes, but you can fight that pain, you know? If you guys can figure out a way to strengthen the team work here, you may feel less alone in your head and I think that'll really help you.

I hope that some of this made sense for you, and I do hope you can figure it out

[Holly09]

Thanks so much Rezie! I think you have a great point where it becomes so natural to just disect it all. I will work on just trying to get my groove back.

[Holly09]

Thanks Lyssa. You have a great point of working on strengthening the team work. Appreciate your words!

[Holly09]

Hi paperplane,

I appreciate your reply. It is so comforting to hear someone else in a long distance relationship say that they have bad visits too.