Did I just experience the LDR kiss of death?

[MushuChicken]

There is the old adage that you shouldn't ask a question if you aren't prepared to hear the answer. I lived through this very saying last night; well sort of.

The issue stems from the fact that I was asking one question, and he was answering a completely different question. I was asking one thing, and he thought I was asking another and answered accordingly. His answer sort of broke my heart. And now I am wondering where we go from here.

You see, he and I are pretty hot for each other. And, I don't even mean that in a sexual way, but we both crave closeness and intimacy with each other and just want to be near each other. And my question is sort of chicken or the egg-esque. Did our attraction for each other directly lead to our feelings for each other? Or is our attraction a result of our feelings? Is this attraction we feel the normal feelings of people who start to fall for each other? Or is it the honeymoon stage and will eventually fade? Or will they intensify as we get to know each other?

I don't know what I was expecting him to say. Whether he had an answer or whether he didn't, just something comforting along the lines of...we'll figure it out together.

Instead, what he said was that he had been hoping for our rapport to get better and that our conversations hadn't been great and he suspected I felt the same way. I didn't feel the same way. This was a shock to me. I thought things were good. Really good. Things with him have just been so easy that I have really loved going down this path with him. So, the idea that he thought our rapport needed improving was a punch to the gut.

And, no, our conversations aren't particularly deep or intense. But, how deep can someone get via text message and the occasional phone call? I am so used to toxic situations, where things are complicated or overdramatic. So, the fact that things have been so easy breezy with him is exactly what I needed and I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him.

Anyway...I was so dumbfounded and heartsick that I really didn't know how to respond. I felt like the best course of action was to step away from the situation and re-group and have myself a good cry before I responded in haste. But, he said he wished I would talk about it. So, I did. And, he basically said we'd talk today. So....we'll see.

I thought things were going so well. So, the fact that he has this misgivings about things....I just don't know if we can overcome this or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Michelle]

Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s rough to hear. Hopefully he can explain exactly what he meant. Maybe he is being critical of himself - like, he feels it’s his fault the conversations are not great, and not you? Maybe he just doesn’t like talking on the phone and that’s why he perceives the conversations as not so great? I hope your talk with him goes well.

[MushuChicken]

Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s rough to hear. Hopefully he can explain exactly what he meant. Maybe he is being critical of himself - like, he feels it’s his fault the conversations are not great, and not you? Maybe he just doesn’t like talking on the phone and that’s why he perceives the conversations as not so great? I hope your talk with him goes well.

Thanks...yeah it was definitely heartbreaking to hear, all things considered.

I do hope there is a reasonable explanation for it. I haven't heard anything yet, which...I know he was working, so I've tried to be patient. But, if I don't hear anything from him in the next hour or so, I am afraid I might kind of flip out on him.

[Rezie]

I've been in the same situation the other way around. I felt like things were not good and my bf let that everything was better than ever. It was a learning curve for me and him. I had always been bafffeled with how a divorce can be total utter shock, but at that point I realised that people perceive things very differently and my "bad" didn't even register with him. We learned from this and learned to communicate better.

My advice is to be patient. You don't know what it is yet so don't flip out. It's great that he has noticed something that he is not happy with and he wants to talk about it. Listen to what he has to say. it might be a big thing or a very small thing. Sometimes a misplaced word or tone can cause a bad feeling. Try to solve it and find a solution that you can both be happy with.

[MushuChicken]

I thought I would fill everyone in on the positive and the negative that has come to light.

So, I get this huge long text message from him about how much he likes all these things about me, but ultimately, he's not feeling that spark, that butterflies in your stomach kind of thing. And, he doesn't know if it's possible, or if it's mythical, or if it is something that will develop over time or not. He said he has kept waiting for that final puzzle piece to slide into place, and it just doesn't come. Anyway, this was not a text conversation to have so he called me....thank goodness.

First off, I came with the approach of "Thank you for telling me your feelings, let's figure this out together." He told me later on that he expected more of a fight. Or not so much a fight as me to explode and flip out. So, I think the fact that that didn't happen eased his mind and threw him off a little bit. Maturity, ftw. We both agreed that our in-person chemistry is undeniable, that the intimacy we feel together is amazing. So...to me, that's great, because usually for me...those are the things I struggle with getting. I might have all the intellectual and emotional connection in the world, but so often, that chemistry never materializes.

He also said he didn't want to lead me on, which is typically not a good thing. Usually when a guy says they don't want to lead a girl on, it means they have one foot out the door already, so...that definitely gives me some concern. But, I tend to believe he is genuinely uncertain with what he wants/what he feels and really doesn't want me to end up hurt. We still want to see each other, which is a good thing.

Be that as it may, he does feel there is something "superficially emotional" missing for him. I am not exactly sure what that means other than "that spark." We like each other. We desire each other. So, I feel like that is 90% of the equation right there. Like I said, for him he called it the last puzzle piece that's missing. So, that means we've gotten through the hard part. As I told him, if it's something tangible, something specific that he just can't get past...my height for example...that's one thing. But, this unexplained, undetermined factor that may or may not be a thing: it's hard to know if it's a dealbreaker or not.

However, another thing that we both agree on is our relationship feels safe, it feels comfortable. Up until this point, it's low drama and uncomplicated and just easy. To me, that is the sign of a pretty healthy situation. Butterflies fade. A feeling of contentment is much better. Sparks don't always happen. That magical moment doesn't always happen. He said he feels like we are on the same page, both physically and emotionally. And being on the same page is much better than the alternative, you know? That said....if this immediate love feeling is something he needs, or at least thinks he needs, I am not sure there is anything I can do to change that.

As I explained to him....we're dating. And, I think this is all a part of the process of getting to know each other and dating each other. As I told him...he doesn't tick all my boxes, and he isn't the kind of person I thought I would ever be with...BUT in totality, I still like him and want to see where things go. And I think that's kind of the point. Sure, some people have an immediate love at first sight kind of deal. But...a lot of people don't. For a lot of people, it's a process and that's okay.

The phone call ended better than it began. Although, as I said, it wasn't really contentious in the beginning either. But, I think the fact that we were able to talk it out, and he felt like we were on the same page really helped. We texted some afterwards last night, and he said he was glad we had the phone call to clear things up. So, I think we're good. As to what this means for us going forward, I can't say. I guess it just depends how important that lightbulb moment (that may never come) is to him, or if he can trust the process and have patience with it.

[RWhiz]

Ah, relationships. From the sounds of your post it seems that you and your BF are working on the same page. I can tell you that from a guy's perspective what you're writing about here is encouraging if you want your relationship to continue. So I'm a little older than you, but still very much an adult in a LDR, like you. The things he is stating that may be missing are normal for me to have come and go. I posted a day or two ago about the cycle we have between visits. Take a look at that, we'll have easily a week or two where not much "spark" is happening, heck like you we're older with plenty of life responsibilities, jobs, kids, houses etc. doesn't leave much time for us to be everything to each other. Of course when we're together it's lights out!

I think what he's saying is normal, and for a younger couple, HS or college age, maybe a concern, but you and I are older, we've got more responsibilities going on, and quite frankly we are looking for a great relationship not a perfect one. I bet that's all that's happening, and while he's not alone in this, it shouldn't be the end of your relationship, unless either one of you is looking for an unachivable level of perfection. That's not a good thing either. Quick question, how often do you see each other? Maybe need to step up the frequency!

[Michelle]

I'm so glad you were able to have a good conversation about this. Just the fact that you are able to talk through feelings like this together, is a good thing, and it sounds like it was very productive. I do hope that he isn't being unrealistic though. Not everyone has sparks early in a relationship. Sometimes love just grows over time. I can personally say that is how it was for Frank and I. We did not have sparks, and were very good friends for almost a year before deciding to see if we could be more. I think there is so much for you to learn about each other still and opportunities to get to know each other on a deeper level. I know you said that you're afraid of him being like others who have ghosted on you in the past. Maybe letting your guard down a bit, a little trust, a little vulnerability, would allow your relationship to get past the superficial stuff and help any potential feelings between you grow. Maybe it will make him feel that "spark." I know it's hard when you've been hurt before, and it's easier said than done, but opening yourself up to another person and being vulnerable is part of what makes a relationship grow.

[MushuChicken]

Ah, relationships. From the sounds of your post it seems that you and your BF are working on the same page. I can tell you that from a guy's perspective what you're writing about here is encouraging if you want your relationship to continue. So I'm a little older than you, but still very much an adult in a LDR, like you. The things he is stating that may be missing are normal for me to have come and go. I posted a day or two ago about the cycle we have between visits. Take a look at that, we'll have easily a week or two where not much "spark" is happening, heck like you we're older with plenty of life responsibilities, jobs, kids, houses etc. doesn't leave much time for us to be everything to each other. Of course when we're together it's lights out!

I think what he's saying is normal, and for a younger couple, HS or college age, maybe a concern, but you and I are older, we've got more responsibilities going on, and quite frankly we are looking for a great relationship not a perfect one. I bet that's all that's happening, and while he's not alone in this, it shouldn't be the end of your relationship, unless either one of you is looking for an unachivable level of perfection. That's not a good thing either. Quick question, how often do you see each other? Maybe need to step up the frequency!

Well he’s technically not my bf, but that’s beside the point.

Well I last saw him 3 weeks ago which sure, it’s not ideal, and it feels like forever. But in the grand scheme of things, as it pertains to an LDR, it’s relatively reasonable.

He will be up here over Memorial Day and I’m hoping to get down there in June. I think we’ve sort of landed on once a month which again isn’t ideal. But it’s peanuts compared to what some people go through.

I'm so glad you were able to have a good conversation about this. Just the fact that you are able to talk through feelings like this together, is a good thing, and it sounds like it was very productive. I do hope that he isn't being unrealistic though. Not everyone has sparks early in a relationship. Sometimes love just grows over time. I can personally say that is how it was for Frank and I. We did not have sparks, and were very good friends for almost a year before deciding to see if we could be more. I think there is so much for you to learn about each other still and opportunities to get to know each other on a deeper level. I know you said that you're afraid of him being like others who have ghosted on you in the past. Maybe letting your guard down a bit, a little trust, a little vulnerability, would allow your relationship to get past the superficial stuff and help any potential feelings between you grow. Maybe it will make him feel that "spark." I know it's hard when you've been hurt before, and it's easier said than done, but opening yourself up to another person and being vulnerable is part of what makes a relationship grow.

I totally agree with you in that it is all good signs. And I’m perfectly happy with where things are at. And I’m perfectly happy with a sort of slow, steady progression as far as feelings go. And I would take comfortable and easy over butterflies and passion any day of the week.

But yeah... are his expectations realistic? That’s the thing. I think the fact that he is talking to me about it means he is at least being open to the idea that maybe he isn’t being realistic.

And yes we are older, but it’s kind of complicated. I don’t have a ton of relationship experience, but I do have a fair bit of dating experience, enough to know what feels right and what feels wrong. For him, though, he has almost no experience prior to me. So even though he is older, maybe he has the experience age of 23 and is seeing this situation through the lenses of a much younger person. So yeah...I just dunno. I guess we’ll see.