I need some desperate help right now

[Rosebud]

The stress is the distance, plain and simple.

What I need is tips for de-stressing without going to drugs.

I think the reason this is somewhat difficult to answer is because you're not pin-pointing just what it is about the distance that's so stressful. Is it because you can't physically see each other's faces? Have you tried using a webcam to remedy that? Or is it because you miss each other's voices? Does talking on the phone help? (or use Skype so you can see AND hear each other). Is it because you can't physically touch one another? So would it be possible for you two to work out a visit to be together for a weekend or so? Is it because you don't feel like you guys talk enough? Try planning to set aside some specific time in the day for just some alone time between yourselves. Is it beause you don't feel like your love can last between such a distance? That's something that can only be healed through some good old fashioned communication, explaining and easing each other's fears and TRUSTING one another.

Hopefully some of those suggestions help. All LDRs are stressful to some degree (some more or less than others), but for yours to have reached such a level, I think understanding what it is about the 'distance, plain and simple' that's wreaking such havoc on you two.

[LadyMarchHare]

It sounds like he's not mentally stable enough for an LDR, some people really can't deal with them. A bit of distance should never cause someone to puke everyday, his issues are bigger than that. I think this is beyond anything you can do to help de-stress him, I'm sorry to say. A little pot on occasion CAN actually be a great way to relax and take some of the anxiety away, if that's all he's doing, and it's only once a month, I'd lay off him as it isn't helping anything to fight about it. You should provide more detail to see if anyone can provide specific advice, like if you were CD before. Good luck to you.

I agree and disagree on some points.

I agree that it sounds like part of the issue may be he can't handle the amount of stress distance causes on top of anything else. The only thing I can think that would cause physical sickness by this alone is if he has a co-dependency problem, but I'm not seeing that.

But I disagree about leaving the pot subject alone. It bothers her because she is anti and she has every right to voice her opinion, it's simply a matter of how one goes about it. Yelling and threatening are not a good way. Like I mentioned before, it may be beneficial to ask him to quit for her sake. It's pot, he isn't on a prescription and really it's not gonna make everything better. It's just easier for him to quit and get help than leave the subject be and let her be unhappy, or in this case unhappier. A lot of people with anxiety, depression, etc turn to stuff like that to 'self-medicate' and it ends up screwing them up in the long run.

[InLove]

Wow I'm really sorry to hear about that
Did you guys just become separated? Or have you been long distance for the full 1.5 years? If you just became long distance that may be the reason for all of the stress, but once you guys get used to it things should calm down. Keep in mind that a relationship with someone should be happy, and if its causing this much pain for both of you it may not be the best thing for either of you two.

The pot thing is another big problem, especially since it is adding even more tension to the relationship. I would advise against threatening to break up with him unless he stops, because he may just lie to you. How would you know? You don't see him every day. Way back before I moved and my SO and I were still together, I asked him to not smoke pot and he did it anyways and tried to lie about it in an attempt to not make me angry....well its been over a year and a half since then and I still can't trust him because of that incident. Don't give him an excuse to lie to you. Try to be a really supportive and loving girlfriend, and show him that your love is better than any drug. You can also try to lower the stress a bit by doing some of those 90 things to do from a distance on the main website, those helped my relationship a lot. Good luck to you!

No, we've been in a long distance relationship for the whole 1.5 years, and I have, and we've talked about it, and I don't know where it will go from here. I am supportive, and I try my best to be, believe me, I always do my best to make him happy and we always talk about our problems, we share everything. Everything.

I've followed this website from about the first ish month in my relationship, and it's helped a lot.

[InLove]

I think the reason this is somewhat difficult to answer is because you're not pin-pointing just what it is about the distance that's so stressful. Is it because you can't physically see each other's faces? Have you tried using a webcam to remedy that? Or is it because you miss each other's voices? Does talking on the phone help? (or use Skype so you can see AND hear each other). Is it because you can't physically touch one another? So would it be possible for you two to work out a visit to be together for a weekend or so? Is it because you don't feel like you guys talk enough? Try planning to set aside some specific time in the day for just some alone time between yourselves. Is it beause you don't feel like your love can last between such a distance? That's something that can only be healed through some good old fashioned communication, explaining and easing each other's fears and TRUSTING one another.

Hopefully some of those suggestions help. All LDRs are stressful to some degree (some more or less than others), but for yours to have reached such a level, I think understanding what it is about the 'distance, plain and simple' that's wreaking such havoc on you two.

I'm sorry I'm not being specific, I was quite upset when I started this and just skimmed on everything. We use Skype, we talk on the phone, we see each other on webcam. The problem is that I live in Ontario and he lives in California, a good 2000 miles away. I'm currently struggling with money and cannot afford to visit him, nor can he afford to visit me.

The problem is that it's the fact that we can't touch, hug, kiss. He's upset because he knows how much I need him and he can't be here for me, he can't hold my hand or hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. If i hurt he hurts and vice versa. We do trust each other, or we try our best to.

It's more of the whole thing that he wants to protect me and he can't, so, all this stress he's causing himself is making him sicker and makes me worry which makes me sick which makes him sick, and it just goes on and on and on. Sure, seeing the other on webcam or hearing their voice helps, but only momentarily.

[Moon]

I agree and disagree on some points.

I agree that it sounds like part of the issue may be he can't handle the amount of stress distance causes on top of anything else. The only thing I can think that would cause physical sickness by this alone is if he has a co-dependency problem, but I'm not seeing that.

But I disagree about leaving the pot subject alone. It bothers her because she is anti and she has every right to voice her opinion, it's simply a matter of how one goes about it. Yelling and threatening are not a good way. Like I mentioned before, it may be beneficial to ask him to quit for her sake. It's pot, he isn't on a prescription and really it's not gonna make everything better. It's just easier for him to quit and get help than leave the subject be and let her be unhappy, or in this case unhappier. A lot of people with anxiety, depression, etc turn to stuff like that to 'self-medicate' and it ends up screwing them up in the long run.

Wow, you disagree with me, LMH? There's a shocker Smoking pot once a month isn't going to cause him to screw himself up, I'm guessing you've never tried it? Smoking all the time is a different story altogether. The guy obviously has issues, pot is the very least of them. Of course she has the right to voice her opinion on the subject, and he has the right to reject it. If he was doing it when she met him, then she knew what was up. I personally don't believe in insisting people change just because you happened to jump into their lives, but that's just me, YMMV. You can ask, but if it's something you can't live with, be prepared to move on. Like you said, it's pot. It's not heroin or crack, or even alcohol. There are things that people are willing to change, and some that they aren't, real change takes determination and strong will sometimes, I'm not sure the OP's SO is really in that position right now.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to find the person who's right enough for you that you don't need to ask them to change things to fit you. Easier said than done, I know, but it causes a lot less heartache.

Her guy probably needs professional help, or he's very controlling and manipulative, I'm not sure which. I just think that before she worries so much about his occasional indulgence, she should look at the situation in it's entirety, and see it's a bit beyond her help. I fully expect people to disagree with me on the subject (which is cool), and no, I don't smoke weed myself anymore, but her problems with him are much bigger than focusing on the pot part of it. The guy is a minor, I think I read, his parents really need to step in here, and get him some help. Unfortunately, they're both teenagers, and aside from telling an adult, can't seek out that help by themselves very well. Unless he's just using this as a control tool, which is very, very possible.

***edited to say that first line is supposed to be funny, not sarcastic!

[__ms.jaye]

My SO does the same thing, unfrotunately he has had 2 of his direct family pass away in less than 3 months, and all i can do is try to tell him to enjoy life to the fullest, and do things that he likes. For my SO it's basketball.. and I also make it VERY VERY clear to him that he can tell me anything AND that i have always got his back, good times and bad. He used to be a VERY steady smoker, as well as a drug dealer, who made enough money to support himself in an apartment as well as any neccesities he needed. When we started dating, I told him it made me uncomfortable that he does do it, and i don't appreciate it he has cut down to only smoking about once a month, hopefully he will quit it all together... but it's a process don't give up! It takes alot of patience, empathy and a clear understanding from both parties. But just take baby steps.

[Čternity]

It's more of the whole thing that he wants to protect me and he can't,

What does he need to protect you from, specifically? Is it unsafe where you are living or is someone bothering you?

Everything else is standard LDR, as you mentioned below and there are lots of suggestions people have given on how to deal with that.

The problem is that it's the fact that we can't touch, hug, kiss. He's upset because he knows how much I need him and he can't be here for me, he can't hold my hand or hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. If i hurt he hurts and vice versa. We do trust each other, or we try our best to.

If he wants to smoke, there isn't much you can do sadly. Until he wants to stop then you can help him. Maybe he just enjoys a monthly smoke and doesn't want to admit that because you are so anti pot.

To last the distance you both need to lead happy independent lives so you aren't constantly telling the other how sad and lonely you are, as that just adds to the stress.

[LadyMarchHare]

Wow, you disagree with me, LMH? There's a shocker Smoking pot once a month isn't going to cause him to screw himself up, I'm guessing you've never tried it? Smoking all the time is a different story altogether. The guy obviously has issues, pot is the very least of them. Of course she has the right to voice her opinion on the subject, and he has the right to reject it. If he was doing it when she met him, then she knew what was up. I personally don't believe in insisting people change just because you happened to jump into their lives, but that's just me, YMMV. You can ask, but if it's something you can't live with, be prepared to move on. Like you said, it's pot. It's not heroin or crack, or even alcohol. There are things that people are willing to change, and some that they aren't, real change takes determination and strong will sometimes, I'm not sure the OP's SO is really in that position right now.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to find the person who's right enough for you that you don't need to ask them to change things to fit you. Easier said than done, I know, but it causes a lot less heartache.

Her guy probably needs professional help, or he's very controlling and manipulative, I'm not sure which. I just think that before she worries so much about his occasional indulgence, she should look at the situation in it's entirety, and see it's a bit beyond her help. I fully expect people to disagree with me on the subject (which is cool), and no, I don't smoke weed myself anymore, but her problems with him are much bigger than focusing on the pot part of it. The guy is a minor, I think I read, his parents really need to step in here, and get him some help. Unfortunately, they're both teenagers, and aside from telling an adult, can't seek out that help by themselves very well. Unless he's just using this as a control tool, which is very, very possible.

***edited to say that first line is supposed to be funny, not sarcastic!

I know, right? How dare I! (no sarcasm, following your lead on the humor, dear)

Really it's not so much my opinion on it and the fact he's doing it (which I will say I am so anti drug, smoking, and alcohol you might as well make me old so I can sit in a rocker and complain) but more the fact it bothers her that he does it at all. Which, regardless of frequency and the debate on health, she doesn't want him doing it for her own reasons and they need to be respected. To someone who's done pot or smoked, whatever, I think it's common they believe it's just no big deal even if there's a health risk involved. But again, that's me. Regardless of whether she knew or not beforehand you can't expect someone to just get over it or leave, that's silly. If he's seriously gonna say 'screw you I'm getting high' then she could at least ask he do it less frequently or for different reasons than chilling out. I'm not a medical professional but I've had several say it's really not the best solution for anxiety. There are worse things, but it's still self-medicating just like some do with alcohol and become alcoholics.

People change regardless. We aren't the same people we were a week ago, or even 5 years ago. And of course compromise is always advertised here because unless they're asking you to be a different person entirely, asking for a shift in behavior such as going out, talking x amount of hours to people who make you uncomfortable, or even the way they wash dishes and fold clothes is not the end of the world. I asked my boyfriend to quit smoking. He's asked me to think better of myself. Why? Because these things bother us and it's not asking the world. It's just a matter of what you're asking and the level of possibility.

Well if it's really anxiety, then yeah he needs a Xanax at least. I'm not sure how the control thing comes up, enlighten me, please? And I get where she's coming from on the focusing on his pot use as it's a big deal to her, but you're right in saying that there's really a bigger picture here that isn't being seen either out of ignorance for what it is or hysteria. If he's 17, in some states he's considered legal but so long as he's living with his folks he still falls under their rules and so on so yeah I think they need to be told if they haven't realized what's going on already.

[InLove]

We've broken up.

[Čternity]

We've broken up.

I'm sorry to hear that - how are you doing?

[InLove]

I'm sorry to hear that - how are you doing?

Horrible. I want to die. I've been crying for hours.

[Čternity]

Horrible. I want to die. I've been crying for hours.

Do you want to talk about it here? Is there someone you can talk to where you live?

[LadyMarchHare]

Oh my goodness hon, exactly what happened?

[DarkSolitary]

You need to talk to him more about it. Just saying you don't like him to smoke isn't gonna change him, well it might but you need to be more fierce about it. Don't yell at him but be stubborn about what you want him to do.

As for de-stressing tips, what I usually do is read or write, drink tea or sleep. Sometimes talking about what is stressing me out with a close friend helps too.

[DarkSolitary]

Okay just read what happened. Will you be okay? D: I'm so sorry that happened.