He can't make a decision on moving - what do I do?

[chrelnka]

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years now and talked every single day since then. Been in a relationship for over 2 years now.
He is my best friend, my rock, he makes me laugh, he supports me and is there for me if I need him. I feel so loved. We are so similar and i cant ever imagine anybody fitting with me like he does.

He isn't the most "manly" or the most strong man in the world which I wont lie yes does bother me from time to time but he has SO many amazing qualities that I have always just thought "well none of us are perfect". We all have our faults. My mother says she thinks he wouldnt be strong enough to handle real life situations if money ever got tight or we struggled in our marriage, that he'd just crumble. That being said she doesnt know him like I do and i dont think know if that would be the case. He's almost 28 and lives at home, is a huge kid at heart, his room filled with memorabilia from childhood and yes he is immature in many ways, especially in real world situations, where hes having to take this risk. Though he is wise in so many others.

The plan was we at the start that we get married in 5 years and move him over here. That plan is rapidly approaching now and is now just under 3 years away. He initially said he'd move over to me when he didn't have a job. But now, he has this "Dream career" which in all honestly yes he enjoys but doesnt pay well, where he lives now he'd be unable to buy a house, he doesnt live in the nicest place but is close with his family. Initially this was an unstable and temporary job, but just after he left last time it became permanent and he said this "threw a spanner in the works"

All this time hes said he cant make up his mind, he cant decide whether to leave everything for me because he's "indecisive and weak". He doesnt know whether to leave his job and family to come be with me. I ended up showing him all around where I live, how much of a home we could afford, he was amazed and loved it all. Then he went back home and just told me yesterday that despite everything it still didnt make a difference in his choice.

So now im here heartbroken thinking i need to break it off. I am 25, I cant give him another 3 years of my life not knowing whether or not he can commit. Before anyone says it no me moving there is out of the equation for many reasons he and I are both aware of. Reasons i specified and he understood at the start of our relationship.

But I love him so much. Yes he has faults, my parents say that he is the lucky one and he doesnt deserve me, but they dont know him like I do because they barely see him.

They said perhaps if i broke it off he'd have a few days without me and realize what a mistake he's made. I tend to believe this too because he gets distraught, cries, and has physically vomited at times we've about to break up over this same discussion, but we never actually have because no matter what, the second I see his face on skype, my heart melts.

I told him a few months ago I'd give him another year to decide. But when I asked him last night if deep down that year would make a difference - he said no.

He's not emotionally ready or man enough or strong enough for this. But I love him SO SO much. He's my world, my first boyfriend and my first love. I honestly dont know how I'd get over this. It's breaking me apart at the thought of it.

Please, someone, anyone with advice. Thank you.

[kittyo9]

So now im here heartbroken thinking i need to break it off. I am 25, I cant give him another 3 years of my life not knowing whether or not he can commit.

You said it yourself! Usually we don't like ultimatums here, but there are occasions that call for it and it doesn't sound like you are getting the commitment you need out of this relationship.

How "man enough" he is has nothing at all to do with the situation. There are feminine men and masculine women who power through life on a daily basis. It's entirely based on his personality, maturity, and ability to deal with the things in his life. You can't will someone to be better-- they have to work on it themselves.

Breaking it off for a few days and seeing if he comes "crawling back," so to say, is not a good way to judge whether he is ready to actually commit to moving or how much he cares for you. Making decisions while emotional can lead to promises that are never fulfilled and only shows you what the person fears, not what they love. Sometimes time apart is good, but it must also be accompanied by a lot of self-reflection and mature discussion in order to produce meaningful results.

It is always very hard to let go of your "first", but if you aren't happy, things need to change, and if they aren't changing, it's time to let go.

[Redheart14]

I think you’ve already made your mind up.

[Rezie]

Ok, get rid of the "man enough" idea in your head. Wanting to move abroad is not about being "man enough". That concept should be eraised from the world anyway. So here are a few things going on here. I don't know what it means to you, but it is part of his personality and you have to accept it. Ignore your parents. If you are old anough to plan marriage, you are old enough to decide who you will marry without your parents opinion. Also his salary or ability to get a bigger house is irrelevant. For most people the moving is about feeling. On paper something can be obvious, but humans don't work like that. It's not about "manning up" or emotional readiness or being strong (unless he is holing back due to fear then it might be readiness). Otherwise we would all just relocate just like that. Then either of you could move right now. But there is more to it than just deciding to go. Does he offer alternative solution? My advice is to have a good talk on his reasons, think is it is possible for you to meet in the middle and if he feels like he won't move and you feel like you won't move then you have to accept that you don't want the same things. You can accept it will always be an LDR or you can move on. Being unsure if you'll ever be together the way you want to will eat the relationship. I'm at that point and I'll tell you it will make everything a lot harder. Breaking up and waiting for him to beg you back is playing games. The games are not part of mature relationships.

[chrelnka]

I ended it 2 days ago and regret it in so many ways. Like this time last week the thought of us being broken up right now would have been ridiculous. It only came about again because he told me that me showing him what we could afford in this area actually did NOT make a difference to him despite the fact he was excited at the time. Then when I said "if we give it another year would it make a difference?" he said no. So i made the decision over 2 days and did it expecting a fight to keep us together - didn't happen on his end.

But we've been over this so many times, had this same talk, end up forgetting it and extending time but he doesn't offer a solution. He might not be ready and that's what I thought and totally understand, i know it's such a HUGE decision! But he doesnt offer me any comfort that "im not ready now but I WILL be one day you just need to give me time" it was supposed to happen in 3 years, not tomorrow. But he cannot make that mature decision that yes it'll be hard but i will do it anyway to keep my woman.

He said he thinks about it every single day but never gets to a conclusion or partial conclusion. It's just the way it has been for 3 years. He initially on his first visit when he hated his job, told me he'd move to me, do anything to be together, then he changed his tune when he got his "dream career" and it came closer to being reality, he says me telling him what he said in the past isnt fair to keep throwing up to him because he was in a bad place. So basically he was ok with it when he wasnt in a good place but now he is he doesn't want me enough? He says it's ridiculous to say that and that he isnt choosing a job and family over me but that's essentially what it is right?

If he had said like I did in the start I wouldnt move, or that he was very close to his family and probably couldnt do it I would not have gone into a relationship with him. He tells me he just fell in love with me and didnt think at first, then it was too late. I told him not to message each other because we wont get over one another but I'm still shocked that he actually took it without fighting for us to stay together. We just thanked each other for everything through tears, said how much we loved each other and how we were grateful, etc. But knowing how he normally is if ever this is even MENTIONED and him getting upset and demanding that no decision should be made, I can't believe we actually fully broke up and he was ok with it. I can't believe he hasnt messaged now it has sunk in.

I am moving home here soon and he asked for my new address in case he (his words) "came to his senses" and would turn up at my front door saying he'd made a mistake. He has always told me he knows he'll regret it but it still makes no difference to him. Trouble is im constantly expecting to hear from him so I can't even begin to get over him. If us breaking up still has done nothing for him to realize what his life will be with us not together, I guess nothing will.

[Rezie]

I'm sorry. But maybe this is for the best.
I know you are still hurting and anything we say won't make a difference but in a few weeks you will understand that this was good.

I can only speak from personal experience. Moving is not about not wanting someone enough. In general, love is not enough. Moving involves a lot of feelings. There are a lot of considerations. It's not simply a loving someone enough or not loving someone enough. There is also a massive difference in between the abstract throught of moving somewhere and actually planning on moving somewhere. It's a huge differnece. Also, everyone is allowed to change their mind. It comes down to communicating about it. Moving more than just about family and career. It's about belonging, it's about huned other things that cannot be verbalised. When you know your only options are moving away or losing someoen you love, you will talk circles in your head. Esepcially if the promise of moving was when he was ina bad place. Running away and moving away are also two different things.

Him accepting the breakup was mature. He knew that it wouldn't work if he cannot promise to move. And he didn't want to make false promises now that he realises it. It's a good thing. I'm sure in a while you will see it aswell. Take some time and I'm sure you will be happier soon. Neither one of you is wrong. Your relationship was not the same as it was when it started. This happens. Long distance or not. Good luck.

[Redheart14]

I think Rezie has summed it up here.
I guess this is a case of ‘if you love someone set them free’. Both of you have realised what you want and the decision to part (even though hard) is probably for the best. Take some time to focus on you and healing.