Hi. I’ve been in a LDR since July. Not that long but I’ve known this guy for almost 20 years. We met in 1999 and did long distance for 3 years, ultimately it ended and we both moved on. Eventually he married, we both had a kid each but we always stayed in touch. When his wife left him in June, he wanted to give us one last shot. I was over the moon because he’s all I have wanted for 2 decades.
Unfortunately it’s just not right. I asked him if he needed time to get through his divorce, that I would wait, but he was insistent that he didn’t. I went a little nuts with the love stuff when we both agreed we still loved each other. I would send letters and surprise him with packages, send him video messages, try to enjoy the honeymoon period. I would wait with baited breath just to get a message back from him. All chemical loved up stuff that I had no control over. But he never got it. He rarely replied to messages straight away, we’d be talking and he’d just disappear for hours leaving my stupid aslnnpyed (if you have to go, that’s fine!!! Just tell me so I’m not waiting around hoping for a message back). He never sent notes or packages (he did send my kid books HE liked but no note attached or anything). I explained that I really need the things. Little notes. Romance. To That I really didn’t want to lose the excitement (can something be lost that never was?)
I tell him things, he either misses them or doesn’t respond. I told him like I felt I was alone in the relationship and I’m just another thing he has to deal with in his life, and he never responded and when I brought it up again he said that he doesn’t respond to things that aren’t relevant, like an irrational fear. Ignore it. I was like, it’s relevant to me. So by not acknowledging my fears he is essentially ignoring me.
It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother telling him important things anymore because, why? He’s too busy with everything else. I don’t expect him to drop his life for me, I’m just saying that I’m equally busy, if not more some days, and I still made the effort. I still attempted to show him he was worth it. I made him a priority where I could.
We are now 6 months in, I feel like I had to change everything about me. He doesn’t let his head get away from him, so that’s that. My excited honeymoon period was halted pretty fast. Now I just feel like a loser for being so loved up while he’s over there thinking I’m crazy.
I’m at the point that I don’t care anymore. Whether we talk or not. Whether we message. I don’t feel like talking on the phone. I don’t get excited to hear from him. I don’t send surprise letters anymore. I don’t try to lift him up when he’s down (he doesn’t like it, apparently), I have stopped planning our future with him, I have stopped being me. And ultimately, I THINK I have stopped loving him. I can’t tell if it’s my defense mechanisms kicking in or if it’s real.
I know communication is the foremost important thing in LDR’s, but over the last 6 months I HAVE communicated my concerns and frustrations, only to be met with justifications and excuses. In August I asked for a shirt that smelt like him. I just wanted to have him near me. We are in December. Nada. I’m never a consideration or priority even for something small. He wants something I send it the next day. It’s more complicated than just that. Seems silly but it’s been the theme all the way through. That I’ll be there when he’s ready for me. I don’t work like that.
The final straw came this last week, I sent him a specific message letting him know I had to put my cat down (so it wasn’t lost in groups of other messages) and that I would be sad and I got this cat 20 years ago, she’s important. He knew her. He never responded. So I mentioned it on the phone, he never acknowledged it then either. So the day I had to say goodbye he asked how my day was, I said busy, sad, happy, all the things. He asks why sad. I told him cat. He asked “what about the cat?”. It broke my heart. I try so hard to be present in his life. I check in on everything that’s important. And I do not get the same in return.
There’s so much more, in terms of dynamics that is too hard and long to put into a message, it’s long enough already!
So here we are. I feel so done with him and this whole train wreck of a relationship. But I’m scared to let go and say goodbye for good (and this time it will be for good) without meeting up. Plans had to move from Jan ‘19 to maybe April because of my health. I don’t know if meeting in person, finally, would change both of us enough to make this work. For us to feel the connection we’ve had for so long. Or maybe we need to meet up to know to let go. Either way. I’m just not sure. I’m stuck in a place of severe apathy and it’s hard. What is the point? I just want someone to love me as I do them. People show love in different ways, and maybe we aren’t compatible.
Ironically enough, how I am with the notes and the packages and the cutsie stuff came from him originally. He started it way back when so I guess I expected it to be somewhat part of our now. In 6 months I have 2 letters from him (one written on the back of a post office form because it was an after thought. He didn’t have time. Never has time). The only reason I got the second one was because I complained I have nothing of him. That in most cases, the note to me is more important than the package itself. He sent me a message the other day saying he sent off a Christmas package but there wasn’t a note inside so he told me which was mine by the wrapping colour. Broke my heart a little bit more. I’ve explained how important something little is for me in a note (I’m not expecting pages of undying love here, just something that personalizes the package because these things are all we have to build connections and strengthen the relationship). But he can’t try to add a note even when it’s important to me and have stated so?
Gah. If I wasn’t so dead inside I would be crying right now.
WWYD?
If you read this far, well done. I know it’s long, I was actually just going to write my frustrations out and delete it without posting but then I thought, what if someone else is going through this? Or what if knowing someone else out there is going through the same thing can help someone? What if someone has some advice after going through something similar? So now I press post.
Unfortunately it’s just not right. I asked him if he needed time to get through his divorce, that I would wait, but he was insistent that he didn’t. I went a little nuts with the love stuff when we both agreed we still loved each other. I would send letters and surprise him with packages, send him video messages, try to enjoy the honeymoon period. I would wait with baited breath just to get a message back from him. All chemical loved up stuff that I had no control over. But he never got it. He rarely replied to messages straight away, we’d be talking and he’d just disappear for hours leaving my stupid aslnnpyed (if you have to go, that’s fine!!! Just tell me so I’m not waiting around hoping for a message back). He never sent notes or packages (he did send my kid books HE liked but no note attached or anything). I explained that I really need the things. Little notes. Romance. To That I really didn’t want to lose the excitement (can something be lost that never was?)
I tell him things, he either misses them or doesn’t respond. I told him like I felt I was alone in the relationship and I’m just another thing he has to deal with in his life, and he never responded and when I brought it up again he said that he doesn’t respond to things that aren’t relevant, like an irrational fear. Ignore it. I was like, it’s relevant to me. So by not acknowledging my fears he is essentially ignoring me.
It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother telling him important things anymore because, why? He’s too busy with everything else. I don’t expect him to drop his life for me, I’m just saying that I’m equally busy, if not more some days, and I still made the effort. I still attempted to show him he was worth it. I made him a priority where I could.
We are now 6 months in, I feel like I had to change everything about me. He doesn’t let his head get away from him, so that’s that. My excited honeymoon period was halted pretty fast. Now I just feel like a loser for being so loved up while he’s over there thinking I’m crazy.
I’m at the point that I don’t care anymore. Whether we talk or not. Whether we message. I don’t feel like talking on the phone. I don’t get excited to hear from him. I don’t send surprise letters anymore. I don’t try to lift him up when he’s down (he doesn’t like it, apparently), I have stopped planning our future with him, I have stopped being me. And ultimately, I THINK I have stopped loving him. I can’t tell if it’s my defense mechanisms kicking in or if it’s real.
I know communication is the foremost important thing in LDR’s, but over the last 6 months I HAVE communicated my concerns and frustrations, only to be met with justifications and excuses. In August I asked for a shirt that smelt like him. I just wanted to have him near me. We are in December. Nada. I’m never a consideration or priority even for something small. He wants something I send it the next day. It’s more complicated than just that. Seems silly but it’s been the theme all the way through. That I’ll be there when he’s ready for me. I don’t work like that.
The final straw came this last week, I sent him a specific message letting him know I had to put my cat down (so it wasn’t lost in groups of other messages) and that I would be sad and I got this cat 20 years ago, she’s important. He knew her. He never responded. So I mentioned it on the phone, he never acknowledged it then either. So the day I had to say goodbye he asked how my day was, I said busy, sad, happy, all the things. He asks why sad. I told him cat. He asked “what about the cat?”. It broke my heart. I try so hard to be present in his life. I check in on everything that’s important. And I do not get the same in return.
There’s so much more, in terms of dynamics that is too hard and long to put into a message, it’s long enough already!
So here we are. I feel so done with him and this whole train wreck of a relationship. But I’m scared to let go and say goodbye for good (and this time it will be for good) without meeting up. Plans had to move from Jan ‘19 to maybe April because of my health. I don’t know if meeting in person, finally, would change both of us enough to make this work. For us to feel the connection we’ve had for so long. Or maybe we need to meet up to know to let go. Either way. I’m just not sure. I’m stuck in a place of severe apathy and it’s hard. What is the point? I just want someone to love me as I do them. People show love in different ways, and maybe we aren’t compatible.
Ironically enough, how I am with the notes and the packages and the cutsie stuff came from him originally. He started it way back when so I guess I expected it to be somewhat part of our now. In 6 months I have 2 letters from him (one written on the back of a post office form because it was an after thought. He didn’t have time. Never has time). The only reason I got the second one was because I complained I have nothing of him. That in most cases, the note to me is more important than the package itself. He sent me a message the other day saying he sent off a Christmas package but there wasn’t a note inside so he told me which was mine by the wrapping colour. Broke my heart a little bit more. I’ve explained how important something little is for me in a note (I’m not expecting pages of undying love here, just something that personalizes the package because these things are all we have to build connections and strengthen the relationship). But he can’t try to add a note even when it’s important to me and have stated so?
Gah. If I wasn’t so dead inside I would be crying right now.
WWYD?
If you read this far, well done. I know it’s long, I was actually just going to write my frustrations out and delete it without posting but then I thought, what if someone else is going through this? Or what if knowing someone else out there is going through the same thing can help someone? What if someone has some advice after going through something similar? So now I press post.
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