New to LDR - any advice

[GemmaC9]

Hi all
This may be a bit of a long message but please bear with me, any advice would be great!

I’m currently in a LDR and met my boyfriend online in March. We were attracted instantly and exchanged numbers and we have video called each other every day since and have fallen in love. I am based in the UK and I am a British citizen and he lives in Italy. However the situation is quite difficult because he has only been resident in Italy for 3 years, he was born elsewhere so getting all the documents he needs for travel is proving difficult.

I can’t travel yet (I’m working on it) as I have a few financial issues and I also have a child who is 5 from a previous relationship and my ex won’t let me leave the country with her! I don’t have anyone else I can rely on to baby sit unfortunately.

This is the first time I have ever entered into a long distance relationship and what I am finding really hard to deal with are the people that doubt the authenticity of the relationship. People who think there’s no possible way you can fall in love with someone you’ve never met. To be honest I’m really struggling. I have not been this happy in a long time as my last relationship ended very badly, and he makes me feel beautiful again and so happy. But at the same time I’m so sad because all I want to do is hug him and kiss him and I can’t. Does it get easier? All I can think of is what if we can’t ever meet? What if it takes too long? What if he gets tired? What if I get tired?

I’m finding it extremely difficult to deal with those who think I’m “wasting my time” or it’s a “fantasy” and there are “plenty of other men” etc. Does anyone have any tips?

Of course I speak to my bf about this and we are planning a future together but every day that passes without him just makes me more sad that I’m not with him. He tells me I should be patient, he loves me and he knows it will happen soon I just need to hold on a bit longer.

I feel like I’m at a loose end and I don’t know whether I should just end it or keep on fighting. I have felt like giving up several times, not because I don’t love him, because I do and being without him is killing me. However, I feel terrible because he has never ever thought of giving up on me, not even for one minute. How do I continue being strong?

Any advice would be great

Thanks
Gemma xxx

[autumn1790]

Hey there....slow down, take a deep breath, relax. Nobody should plan their whole future with someone after three months, even if you are in the same city. I know it's frustrating to not be able to meet, but you can do it. We went over two years before the time was right and things fell into place for us to meet. My advice is to not focus on not being together, but focus on truly getting to know this guy. I'm sure it feels like you've known him forever, but be realistic--you haven't. Focus on building a relationship that can go the distance. Focus on what you do have, not what you don't. If other people have concerns, take them into consideration honestly--do they have valid points? At the end of the day, though, it is your life, and if you don't appreciate their opinions, don't bring him up the conversation. There are some people that will never validate your relationship no matter how much you want them to, and that's their choice.

[GemmaC9]

Hi
Thanks for your reply. I do understand what you’re saying. I hope I can have the patience required, he’s very patient but me not so much. I’m also panicking about brexit. If it happens I might never meet him. I will definitely be grateful more for what we have though and I will try to enjoy it. If you don’t mind where was your partner from?

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Hi all
This may be a bit of a long message but please bear with me, any advice would be great!

I’m currently in a LDR and met my boyfriend online in March. We were attracted instantly and exchanged numbers and we have video called each other every day since and have fallen in love. I am based in the UK and I am a British citizen and he lives in Italy. However the situation is quite difficult because he has only been resident in Italy for 3 years, he was born elsewhere so getting all the documents he needs for travel is proving difficult.

I can’t travel yet (I’m working on it) as I have a few financial issues and I also have a child who is 5 from a previous relationship and my ex won’t let me leave the country with her! I don’t have anyone else I can rely on to baby sit unfortunately.

This is the first time I have ever entered into a long distance relationship and what I am finding really hard to deal with are the people that doubt the authenticity of the relationship. People who think there’s no possible way you can fall in love with someone you’ve never met. To be honest I’m really struggling. I have not been this happy in a long time as my last relationship ended very badly, and he makes me feel beautiful again and so happy. But at the same time I’m so sad because all I want to do is hug him and kiss him and I can’t. Does it get easier? All I can think of is what if we can’t ever meet? What if it takes too long? What if he gets tired? What if I get tired?

I’m finding it extremely difficult to deal with those who think I’m “wasting my time” or it’s a “fantasy” and there are “plenty of other men” etc. Does anyone have any tips?

Of course I speak to my bf about this and we are planning a future together but every day that passes without him just makes me more sad that I’m not with him. He tells me I should be patient, he loves me and he knows it will happen soon I just need to hold on a bit longer.

I feel like I’m at a loose end and I don’t know whether I should just end it or keep on fighting. I have felt like giving up several times, not because I don’t love him, because I do and being without him is killing me. However, I feel terrible because he has never ever thought of giving up on me, not even for one minute. How do I continue being strong?

Any advice would be great

Thanks
Gemma xxx

I get how you feel. I was much the same at the beginning of this LDR. It seemed like we would never meet cos neither of us could travel, and neither of us had any money! But now I do have money and some freedom of movement. He still needs a passport, but I have a plan for that.

I know it sucks right now, and you will miss each other, but you can meet. Nothing is impossible, but it may take a while. It is frustrating when it can't happen when you want. I went through that too. We both did. We also went through would it actually work out, was it a fantasy etc too.

I also had an incident with my counsellor who was adamant that I couldn't love him and it wasn't romantic, because we'd never met!

As time went on, things got easier for me to be able to go and see him. I was nervous as anything, so I researched it all like a full time job. I took a pile of papers with me in case I got questioned at customs (which I did), and it took 2 hours for me to get through. When I did, he was waiting for me. He'd been there a couple of hours early, and he said he would've waited for me all night.

There will be times where you will feel low and like things will never change, but from my own personal experience, I will say hang on in there! That is the one good thing about life when times are bad. Nothing stays the same forever. Things will change and move, and sometimes we have to be prepared to make those changes and movements ourselves.

[GemmaC9]

Hi thanks for your reply to my message. Yes I kind of feel very hopeless right now. I met him online and it was an instant attraction, even though I told him to back off because I didn’t “do long distance” he kept chasing me and wouldn’t give up. I am dying to meet him for the first time 😭

I know nothing is impossible, but it feels very much like it is. I’m not a very positive person whereas he is and he’s much more patient. He says we will meet he knows it and it has to happen we just need patience.

I disagree with the people who say you can’t love someone you’ve never met, and those who doubt the authenticity of long distance relationships. I fell In love with his soul before I have even touched or kissed him, what’s more beautiful then that?

I am very much trying to hang on in there. My last relationship before him was a really bad one, my baby’s father was abusive and I really lost myself and my confidence. I seem to have found it again and my new man just makes me so happy even with the distance. I just want to share with the world how happy I am!! I will try to be patient still and hopefully in the very near future I’ll be able to meet him.

Thanks for your reply it’s really made a difference.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I fell In love with his soul

I said this to my SO just last night!! I think we may be twins!
My SO is also very positive about our relationship, and is very reassuring when I feel wobbly. It certainly makes a difference.

IDK if it's any help or not, but there is a film I adore called The Time Traveller's Wife. It is my favourite romantic film. Somehow it helps me to be strong. I think the female MC is remarkable.

[GemmaC9]

Thanks, I’ve not seen the film but will definitely look into it.

Today I took the plunge and decided I can’t just wait for his documentation to be sorted, so I’m going to Italy to see him in August. I have reserved an apartment but am yet to book flight tickets, I don’t really like flying but it looks like there’s no other alternative for me to get there except via plane so looks like I will have to be brave!

Will look at booking the flight tickets very soon, give myself a month or so to save up. Maybe his documents will be sorted before then, but if not then at least we have that to look forward to!

[Redheart14]

You can choose to let the distance pull you apart or bring you closer. Yes, the lack of physical presence in a ldr is hard and they are not for everyone. As long as you are happy who cares about everyone else. I had a lot of people in the early days say things wouldn’t work out with my ldr. Here we are still 5 years later, married and living together after closing the distance. None of those people were at my wedding or are actively in my life. You want people who support you and build you up, not tear you down. This place is great for support and ideas such as apps to make you feel closer to your SO, I don’t think I could’ve survived my ldr without this forum. If this man makes you happy then keep it going. Everyone here has been where you are, things just take time. Relax and just enjoy what you have until things get better travel wise.