Bumps in the road.

[Lisa88]

Hi everyone

My SO and I are almost together for a year now. So we decided to look at the options to close the distance.

At his point, it’s easier for me to move there ( Madrid). The rent of my appartement finishes in a couple of months and I am tired of my job here and looking for something else so timing for me is good.

I have two conditions towards my SO before I start my move to Spain.

1. He’s in the process of renewing his papers so I would like him to arrange the right documents before I move;
2. Also at his work now, he doesn’t earn sufficient money for our own appartement. Now he’s co-housing but I don’t want to join him there. We need our own space plus I have two cats that I am NOT leaving in Belgium.

He takes a looootttt of time to start arranging everything and I feel I have to push him into the right directions like ‘ make an appointment at the embassy’ and ask him 1596 times before he makes one. Which frustrates me a little bit…

Another bump in the road are the fact that he is really ready to settle down ( marry and kids) whilst I want to travel the world a couple of more years and marriage or kids are not on my to-do list ( for now or ever, still undecided).

I’m very clear about this that both things are not a thing for right now. Let’s first look for our own place, you get your things done, I get my things done and enjoy our relationship.

But every single time we call or visit or whatever he starts about getting married, how important it is for him and his family because in his culture marrying is the sign that a couple will stay together forever. Same for being pregnant. He’s 7 years older so I think that he’s really looking forward to his own family.

Till now I always had the patience to tell him that it’s too soon and not for the first couple of years and so and so on.

Now I am at the point that, all the above things combined, losing my patience and really getting frustrated. And It’s like I’m only seeing the negative sides of this relationship at the moment. We both have our good and bad sides and I love him soooo much but I don’t know what to do. Seems like talking about it, doesn’t really help..

Any people here, had or have the same problems with the marrying and baby things?

Long and chaotic post but that’s how my head feels now.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Me and my guy do plan to marry to close the distance, but I have to move and work for 2 years first to meet the financial requirements to bring him over.
Children isn't something we have actually discussed directly, but I know he doesn't want them and I am leaning towards no.

In terms of pregnancy, could you have a coil or an implant done? That way you know that you're covered on that front, and it may help to ease the tension between you.
Regarding marriage, could you maybe set a date to discuss it more seriously. Say in 2 years, or 5? That way you're not saying it will never happen, but you are agreeing to discuss it in depth at a later time.
He should be able to understand and respect your side of things.

[Redheart14]

Hi, I’m going to play devils advocate here. I can see his perspective here, given the age difference you mentioned he’d be closer to 40 than 30 am I right? I’m just going off your age listed. At that age people would be settling down (not saying all would) and having a family. He may not want to be an older parent, as if he has a child or children in his 40’s then he’ll be in his early to mid sixties (depending how far apart they are) before they are independent. A friend of mine in her 40’s as 2 under 3 and is wishing she’d started earlier. I’m not saying you’re wrong in wanting to travel it’s your life but maybe you both need to have a serious talk so you are both on the same page.

[Lisa88]

Me and my guy do plan to marry to close the distance, but I have to move and work for 2 years first to meet the financial requirements to bring him over.
Children isn't something we have actually discussed directly, but I know he doesn't want them and I am leaning towards no.

In terms of pregnancy, could you have a coil or an implant done? That way you know that you're covered on that front, and it may help to ease the tension between you.
Regarding marriage, could you maybe set a date to discuss it more seriously. Say in 2 years, or 5? That way you're not saying it will never happen, but you are agreeing to discuss it in depth at a later time.
He should be able to understand and respect your side of things.

I never really wanted to marry because in our family it's not a common thing. I wouldn't see it as an extra value to my relationship but it would make some things easier because he's not European and doesn't have a permanent residency in Europe. He has to renew his papers every 5 years and if the papers wouldn't get approved, he has to go back. If we would get married, he can stay here with me without the fear of not getting his papers. But for me, it's just too soon. We don't even live together, what if it doesn't work out and we are married? Because I would be his 'sponser' and I would be responsable for him here.
Maybe I am thinking to rational but it's not like our relationship is going very smooth at the moment...

I already told him that I don't want to discuss babies right now and I still want to wait a couple of years. He respects that but secretly he hopes I get pregnant one day ( I am completely safe) knowing that he wants it soooo much, makes me feel like I'm under pressure.

We got into a big fight yesterdaymorning and tonight we are going to Skype and I think it's time to put everything on the table and have a good and long talk.

[Lisa88]

Hi, I’m going to play devils advocate here. I can see his perspective here, given the age difference you mentioned he’d be closer to 40 than 30 am I right? I’m just going off your age listed. At that age people would be settling down (not saying all would) and having a family. He may not want to be an older parent, as if he has a child or children in his 40’s then he’ll be in his early to mid sixties (depending how far apart they are) before they are independent. A friend of mine in her 40’s as 2 under 3 and is wishing she’d started earlier. I’m not saying you’re wrong in wanting to travel it’s your life but maybe you both need to have a serious talk so you are both on the same page.

Hi,
I totally agree with you and it's constantly on my mind.
He's 38 right now and is really ready to settle down. He knows I want to travel first and he wants to join me and is down to wait a couple of years more. On that point we are on the same page..
But what if I still don't want kids after travelling? I would feel like I wasted his time for a those years... I don't want to be pregnant and not be 100 ready for it.

[Redheart14]

Hopefully this conversation will shed some light on things for both of you

[Lisa88]

A little update.

We had our conversation and he is coming over here to talk because eitherway, if we decide to end the relationship or giving it another chance, we don't want to do it over the phone.
He also said to me that he's not happy and the fact that he's not financially stable ( + has the right papers) to close the distance, which means we are not going to close the distance anywhere soon, makes him feel that this relationship won't work out. Also the different view on marriage/childeren.

In a way he's right and maybe it's better we break up but at this point we also can't imagine not being together anymore. But i also feel the urge to go out and explore the world.

At the moment I feel mentally and psychially exhausted!

[Redheart14]

A little update.

We had our conversation and he is coming over here to talk because eitherway, if we decide to end the relationship or giving it another chance, we don't want to do it over the phone.
He also said to me that he's not happy and the fact that he's not financially stable ( + has the right papers) to close the distance, which means we are not going to close the distance anywhere soon, makes him feel that this relationship won't work out. Also the different view on marriage/childeren.

In a way he's right and maybe it's better we break up but at this point we also can't imagine not being together anymore. But i also feel the urge to go out and explore the world.

At the moment I feel mentally and psychially exhausted!

At least this way you can talk face to face and figure things out.