Girlfriend going through hard times but very cold to me

[Smiler335]

Hi,

I'm looking for advise and hopefully some reassurance.

My girlfriend and myself are approaching our first anniversary. We met here in the UK a year ago today, she lives in Germany but has wanted to move to the UK for a few years.

The first 6 months were awesome, neither of us have ever been in love before, it was a massive shock to the system for me, I had no idea I could ever feel that way about someone. We visit each other as often as possible averaging about once every 6-7 weeks, usually for a few days with many many many messages every day when we're not together and video calls etc whenever we have time. In February we spent an amazing week together at my house where if you'd have asked me I would have told you we were to be together forever but...

Since then she's been having problems at work and with family, it's got so much that she's currently signed off work on mental health grounds - basically she can't take any more. This isn't the first time, she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety a few years ago.
On top of that she has had a massive fall out with her mum who has basically disowned her, she even changed the locks on the house so my girlfriend is now staying with her grandmothers partner and his son (complicated family), she hates living there but she doesn't want to rent a place of her own because she wants to leave Germany as soon as possible so money is a factor.

Bringing it up to date -
She has to see her psychiatrist on Monday, depending on the outcome she may or may not be allowed to come here next Saturday for a few days. If she can't come then I can't go to Germany because she will have to work 6 days a week.

Now with all this going on she's been very distant lately, ignoring messages, talking to me like a friend rather than a boyfriend and generally just being a little cold which I'm really struggling with. The reason I signed up today was because I sent her a romantic message this morning via Facebook Messenger about the anniversary of us meeting which got no reply, she's read it and has been on Facebook since but to not reply to that hurts a little.
I should say I talk to a lot of people via messenger so I'm not specifically looking to see if she's been online etc, I just happened to notice whilst talking to a friend.

I feel like I'm losing her but I'm wondering what anyone else would do? Would you just leave her alone for a while? I'm also worried about her, I don't know what she's feeling because she doesn't seem to want to tell me. I don't want her to forget that I'm here for her and that I love her but I don't want to overdo it and end up suffocating her.

Is there something else I should be doing in this situation?

Sorry for the long and rambling post, if you read it all I'm very appreciative.

[xxcazaxx]

You have mentioned that she is struggling, and this sounds like she still is. I would drop her a line reminding her that you are there for her.

[Smiler335]

You have mentioned that she is struggling, and this sounds like she still is. I would drop her a line reminding her that you are there for her.

Thanks for your reply Caza.

She is and I can cope with that. I've sent her a few messages saying I'm here for her etc and just trying to be as supportive as possible but I'm still not getting any reply. It's hard for me to be ignored like this.

I've decided to just leave her alone for a few days and see what happens. I don't like doing it, it's not easy for me but as she keeps ignoring my messages I think that's what she wants.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I don't know if my contribution will be any help here, but I hope so.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder-Emotionally Unstable Type. I also have bad anxiety and I struggle a lot with stress.

I am 15 months into my LDR, and whilst it is the best relationship I have ever had, it is very hard work for me.
I am not good at being emotionally vulnerable with others, being assertive with my feelings, or realising when I struggling. As a result of this, I can act cold, I can harbour resentment, and I burn out every so often because it all justs gets too much for me.

I have a history of frequent changes in my life. Boyfriends, jobs and relocating.
I am currently doing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and I find that helpful, but also very tough. I am forced to look honestly at myself, and think on the hows and whys of my emotions and behaviours.

If I was her, I think space would be most helpful to me. When you feel like you are drowning, the last thing you want is to feel like more is being asked of you, as it can simply compound all the other issues you're experiencing.
I think it is a good sign that she is taking her space from you. She is probably trying to restore her balance, so she can feel good again.

I definitely get like this, where I throw everything out the window, because I can't cope with the pressure. I can be very much like a volcano at times, because of the above issues I have.

Personally, this may be a good time to read up on BPD if you haven't already. Particularly talking to others who have it, and people who live alongside it.

Having a quick look about, I came across this page. Whilst it is a very dramatic example, it covers the most extreme end of BPD. Hopefully it can be of some use to you.

https://www.mentalhelp.net/personali...ers/cluster-b/

I will say that hormones don't help with this. It may be worth her reconsidering her contraception, if she takes anything hormone based. Kinda personal, but just a thought for her. I had a very severe reaction when I had the implant put in, and I wouldn't do it again because I was scared of myself like that. Also wasn't fun for my partner at the time.

If she is under 30, she may be more volatile. I certainly was in my younger years, but now I am in my early 30s, my impulsivity has decreased dramatically. Now, if I get that way, I pop into a charity shop or buy some junk food until it passes. Which is far better than hysterically crying, or hurting yourself. Of course I still cry at times, but I no longer feel like I will drown in my own tears.

[Smiler335]

I don't know if my contribution will be any help here, but I hope so.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder-Emotionally Unstable Type. I also have bad anxiety and I struggle a lot with stress.

I am 15 months into my LDR, and whilst it is the best relationship I have ever had, it is very hard work for me.
I am not good at being emotionally vulnerable with others, being assertive with my feelings, or realising when I struggling. As a result of this, I can act cold, I can harbour resentment, and I burn out every so often because it all justs gets too much for me.

I have a history of frequent changes in my life. Boyfriends, jobs and relocating.
I am currently doing Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and I find that helpful, but also very tough. I am forced to look honestly at myself, and think on the hows and whys of my emotions and behaviours.

If I was her, I think space would be most helpful to me. When you feel like you are drowning, the last thing you want is to feel like more is being asked of you, as it can simply compound all the other issues you're experiencing.
I think it is a good sign that she is taking her space from you. She is probably trying to restore her balance, so she can feel good again.

I definitely get like this, where I throw everything out the window, because I can't cope with the pressure. I can be very much like a volcano at times, because of the above issues I have.

Personally, this may be a good time to read up on BPD if you haven't already. Particularly talking to others who have it, and people who live alongside it.

Having a quick look about, I came across this page. Whilst it is a very dramatic example, it covers the most extreme end of BPD.

I will say that hormones don't help with this. It may be worth her reconsidering her contraception, if she takes anything hormone based. Kinda personal, but just a thought for her. I had a very severe reaction when I had the implant put in, and I wouldn't do it again because I was scared of myself like that. Also wasn't fun for my partner at the time.

If she is under 30, she may be more volatile. I certainly was in my younger years, but now I am in my early 30s, my impulsivity has decreased dramatically. Now, if I get that way, I pop into a charity shop or buy some junk food until it passes. Which is far better than hysterically crying, or hurting yourself. Of course I still cry at times, but I no longer feel like I will drown in my own tears.

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.
I have written this before but got an error message so I'll try again

You've pretty much described my girlfriend perfectly, even down to her moving a lot. Shes currently mid twenties and has moved house 19 times including moving from Italy to Germany through a spontaneous decision by her mum when she was too young to stay in Italy on her own.

Ok great, I'm glad you think it's a good thing that she's taking time away from me. She certainly goes through highs and lows with communication. For weeks I'll get tens if not hundreds of texts a day and requests for calls and video calls then all of a sudden nothing. I've found it very difficult to understand but the more I read about BPD the more I realise it's just how it is and its something I have to learn how to handle.
It always reminds me of a song called Perfect Storm - 'She loves just as deep as she goes when she's down, the highs match the lows, can't have one without the other...'

I've really struggled with it in the past and convinced myself of her falling out of love with me, getting bored of me or that I've upset her in someway without realising but it's all starting to make sense and I'm slowly realising what I should do for the best. I must admit I've had thoughts of leaving but I'd be a fool to just leave without working out how to handle this properly as the good times are more than worth it. Especially when we should be closing the gap sometime next year. Nothing worth having comes easy after all.

Thanks for the link, I'll definitely have a read through and keep reading about the subject. I find it all very interesting anyway even without the personal connection. From what I've read so far space seems to be the reoccurring theme on how to handle it. A lot of people say to give as much support as possible but what does that actually mean? I don't want to text her 'I'm here for you' every day, that just seems condescending.
As hard as I've tried to not send her anything I did get soppy last night and send her a loving message but made sure not to include any questions so hopefully it didn't look like I was wanting a reply.

Re contraception, I know very little about it (typical man!). I know it's a little pink pill she takes twice per day and I've seen the box but I can read very little German so I have no idea what it says. I did wonder if they would have an effect when she started taking them but it didn't seem to at the time. I know she's very picky about what she takes but I'll try to think of a way to ask when I see her.

Oh ok, that's very encouraging that she may well cope better in a few years! (She's 24, I'm 28) I'm one of those people who can't help but think about the future so that will help a lot when I'm feeling down about this. Plus any excuse for some junk food is a good one for me. I can certainly support her that way! Hehe.

In all seriousness though thank you so much for posting I really appreciate it and will take what you've said on board.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I spend a lot of time on facebook lately, and I found this group about BPD: BPDisorderonTheMighty.
What I like about it is that individuals with BPD write their own articles on how life is for them, as opposed to professionals who don't actually have it.

You asked about how you can support her. I am still thinking about this, but I will mention things my guy does that work for me.

-Always be patient and kind, regardless of her mood at the time.
-Don't leave her if at all possible, even if it's temporary. If you have to go away, assure her that you will come back again.
-Sometimes the only thing you can do is just be there for her silently.
-Hugs go a long way.
-Tell her that you love her often.
-Show solidarity wherever you can.
-Always show her you care. It can be anything from filling her glass, opening the car door, helping her down icy steps.
-Tell her how wonderful she is.

My guy does all this and loads more. I have never felt unloved by him, and that is very important. Sometimes I can feel unloving, but I struggle with realising that the other person doesn't share those same feelings.
When you are in a low mood where you can't even smile, you can convince yourself that you are totally alone, and that no one understands, even when you're not.
It's a very alienating and lonely condition.

Colouring can help, as it soothes the mind. Most repetitive or rhythmic things can be helpful.

[Smiler335]

I spend a lot of time on facebook lately, and I found this group about BPD: BPDisorderonTheMighty.
What I like about it is that individuals with BPD write their own articles on how life is for them, as opposed to professionals who don't actually have it.

You asked about how you can support her. I am still thinking about this, but I will mention things my guy does that work for me.

-Always be patient and kind, regardless of her mood at the time.
-Don't leave her if at all possible, even if it's temporary. If you have to go away, assure her that you will come back again.
-Sometimes the only thing you can do is just be there for her silently.
-Hugs go a long way.
-Tell her that you love her often.
-Show solidarity wherever you can.
-Always show her you care. It can be anything from filling her glass, opening the car door, helping her down icy steps.
-Tell her how wonderful she is.

My guy does all this and loads more. I have never felt unloved by him, and that is very important. Sometimes I can feel unloving, but I struggle with realising that the other person doesn't share those same feelings.
When you are in a low mood where you can't even smile, you can convince yourself that you are totally alone, and that no one understands, even when you're not.
It's a very alienating and lonely condition.

Colouring can help, as it soothes the mind. Most repetitive or rhythmic things can be helpful.

Thanks again,
I don't know why I didn't get notified of your reply, I only came on the forum because it's now been 6 days since she spoke to me. The last (very brief) conversation we had was me telling her I'm worried about her and asking her what she wants me to do *I was expecting her to ask me to leave her alone for a while after what you'd said and that's what she did... so I told her I love her, reminded her of our anniversary and that I wouldn't text again until she wanted to...

This morning I was feeling really lonely and sad, I woke up thinking I should be on holiday with her right now... it made it worse when I opened Facebook to see a post by her talking to friends.0.. that's when I started convincing myself that she's not really gone back to work but just doesn't want to see me. She has a trip to Italy next week, I was thinking I bet she's still going there, it's just me she doesn't want to see.... and all the other thoughts that go with that kind of thinking. Realistically I know she's probably posting on facebook to try appear ok and that the friends she was talking to don't know how she's feeling but at the time it hurt a lot. I still don't fully understand it of course, I'm not sure I ever will unless I develop BPD but I'm determined to stick with it, it just gets hard sometimes.

That's the reason I came here to see what's happening with everyone else who's in a similar position.

I'll check out that Facebook group, thanks and I'll take everything else on board, not that I can really do much at the moment after telling her I'd leave her alone until she felt like talking again but I do appreciate it. I really need to find something to distract me, even just reading back through that I think to myself "man up" haha.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, especially as my advice probably isn't very practical if she's currently ignoring you.

My guy really struggles with it when he knows I am low, because he can't actively help. I always tell him that just him being there is enough. We'll sit with the chat open, but we don't always talk. He sends me hug emojis or animated snuggle cats which help me know I'm not alone. Even though that hurts in it's own way, it's far better than crying my eyes out completely by myself.

Now I'm thinking back to my younger days...but I think I was always pretty intense with my partners from the get go, but again, I had no friends. When you only have one person in your life, they really do become your everything. It can be great, but it's not always safe or healthy in the long term, as I discovered many times. I just find it hard to sustain friendships, which sucks because I'm a very empathic loyal friend...I just suck at the effort part, making conversation and keeping in touch. I automatically isolate myself, but I just don't know how to stop it.

FWIW, I don't think you need to "man up" as you put it. You love her, miss her and are worried about her. I think that is perfectly normal and understandable. She's lucky to have you.
I speak from experience when I say a lot of guys could not handle my shit in the longer term. Or I couldn't handle theirs! Haha.

[Smiler335]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, especially as my advice probably isn't very practical if she's currently ignoring you.

My guy really struggles with it when he knows I am low, because he can't actively help. I always tell him that just him being there is enough. We'll sit with the chat open, but we don't always talk. He sends me hug emojis or animated snuggle cats which help me know I'm not alone. Even though that hurts in it's own way, it's far better than crying my eyes out completely by myself.

Now I'm thinking back to my younger days...but I think I was always pretty intense with my partners from the get go, but again, I had no friends. When you only have one person in your life, they really do become your everything. It can be great, but it's not always safe or healthy in the long term, as I discovered many times. I just find it hard to sustain friendships, which sucks because I'm a very empathic loyal friend...I just suck at the effort part, making conversation and keeping in touch. I automatically isolate myself, but I just don't know how to stop it.

FWIW, I don't think you need to "man up" as you put it. You love her, miss her and are worried about her. I think that is perfectly normal and understandable. She's lucky to have you.
I speak from experience when I say a lot of guys could not handle my shit in the longer term. Or I couldn't handle theirs! Haha.

Thanks for all your help.
Unfortunately I think she just broke up with me... well, I'm 99.9% sure of it... she told me she doesn't want this any more and for the last time ever leave me alone. I'm annoyed that she didn't want to even talk but there's nothing I can do about it.

But still, thanks for the help. I didn't get mad with her, just thanked her for the amazing times we had together.

Honestly I've been expecting it but it's still a bit of a shock.

Hopefully it's the best thing for her as I do still love her

Thanks again. And anyone reading this, don't assume LDR can't work because mine didn't. It was still the best relationship I've been in, just wasnt meant to be I guess.

[Junglebook]

Smiler I have been reading your post for awhile and I am sorry for you to go through this break up!
I wish you the best!

[Smiler335]

Smiler I have been reading your post for awhile and I am sorry for you to go through this break up!
I wish you the best!

Thank you. I'll get through it. First love and first love lost but I guess I've seen it coming for a while.

I'll get through it.
Thanks again

[Milly]

That's intense, as others mentioned, keep reminding her you're there, remember that it isn't permanent and a solution will present its self in time. However, if this situation starts affecting your mentality and health, you need to back out, take a look and maybe some time. That's a tough situation, don't make rash decisions.

[Smiler335]

Just an update. Yesterday I nearly booked a flight to go try to talk to her and see if we could sort things out. I'm really glad I didn't because I just spoke to a mutual friend who was under the impression that we broke up a while ago. Then I found out that my GF (ex) is currently on holiday, after telling me she couldn't come to see me because she had to work I find out shes in italy.

Honestly that's the best thing I could have heard. I can now start to move on with the knowledge that she was a liar.

Thanks for everyone's support

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'm so sorry it turned out that way, but maybe it was for the best.

I'm sorry she couldn't appreciate you.

There is someone out there who will, and I wish you all the luck in finding them.