Does slow replies and very little phone calls affect the quality of the relationship?

[inlovewithaviking]

I have met my Norwegian boyfriend online about a month ago( yes, right before this whole corona time broke out). After finding out that we do have some hobbies in common,he asked me out and we have been doing quite well together up until now.

However, there was one thing that actually made me so frustrated and it was that he didn't engage to communicate as much as I did. I personally preferred the text-n-call-nearly-every-day style which made it a bit hard for me to cope with.

To be specific, he stays up until like 7 in the morning and then sleeps until 3 or 4 pm. Sometimes we planned to video call but he was busy or playing games. I would wake up and just wait and wait and wait for him to wake up, and even though when we do call it's so much fun, I was on the edge of going crazy.

The reason I said "was" is because we had a talk about it and he told me that he does want to do so too, and why he can't. He suffers from feeling unmotivated to do anything or feeling sad almost every day, and that keeps him awake. He only plays games to distract himself but he would love to sleep if he could, he said. Since then I've done lots of research on what those feelings are, and also ldr. After that we have decided we won't make any plans for calling or anything but he can just tell me when he wants to call and I'll be there(since I'm pretty much available 24/7). This is working well and it has reduced my stress so far, but every video about ldr I watch says you should communicate a lot or the feeling can fade away.

I am doing my best to get him used to it and make both of us happy, but I'm just so unsure if I'm doing this right.

[OhioJim]

What is the time difference between Norway and Japan? Something like 7 or 8 hours?

If it is 8 hours, when he goes to bed at 7am it would be 3pm for you. He could call or text you at that time.

To answer the question in the title of your thread, no, not by itself. If the relationship is strong to begin with then slow and infrequent responses will not affect the quality. Right now I am lucky to have more than a half hour of texting each day from my SO. Because of the home quarantine where she is her internet gets bogged down. That makes anything from her even more precious. Before this pandemic we would text for a couple hours at a time twice a day (connection too poor for video chat).


I know this is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like he has other problems besides not communicating.

[autumn1790]

Your relationship is entirely your own. There is no magic recipe for a successful ldr. If it's working for you, then by all means continue! I agree with the videos that communication is important, but method and frequency are entirely yours to decide! You'll feel it when it's not working, and you can make adjustments based on that. Every situation is entirely different, so there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Take it slow, enjoy the ride, and find out what works for you

[snow]

There is a difference between "communication is key" and "communicate as much as possible"!
As long as you two find a rhythm that works for both of you, there is no right or wrong answer to how much you are communicating.
Honestly, you're responding very maturely to his problem and you found a way to work around it to take the pressure off him and the anxiety off you.

Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing great!

[inlovewithaviking]

Thank you for your comment!
We're 8 hours apart, and 7 hours during summertime period. He does text me but then he randomly goes offline for hours.
Yeah, now I think being able to have such frequent communications is pretty lucky.. especially in ldr. It takes soooooo much patient
oh, what do you mean other problems specifically?

[inlovewithaviking]

Thank you for your comment and support, it means a lot:3 I really hope this is going to work nicely and then when we meet it gets so much better!

[inlovewithaviking]

That's very true yeah!
Thank you x3 I really treasure this relationship and I don't want to end up being childish and ruining the whole thing.. the lockdown has given me more time to do researches and stuff which is very fortunate
Thank you for your comment, it means a lot!

[OhioJim]

..... what do you mean other problems specifically?

I'm not a psychiatrist but could he be having trouble dealing with things in the real world?

Maybe he is playing games until 7am because it is an escape from reality? Or is he addicted to online game playing?

Does he have a problem with depression?

[inlovewithaviking]

He told me he does feel really stressful because he's always asked to help their parents or take care of his siblings, especially during the lockdown. He also said he's often sad at night and he plays games to distract himself..

He hasn't mentioned how severe his mental problem is, but I have started learning about mental illnesses so that I can find out what problem he has exactly and hopefully, ways of treatment instead of making it worse with unclear knowledge.

[kate04]

Hi

It's great I think that you're doing a lot of research and trying to manage this situation.

I would advise though to proceed with caution. I have been in a similar situation in the past and it became all-consuming, with me giving more and more and more for less and less and less in return. In the end, that relationship nearly broke me.

Communication is a two way street. Please remember your value too and you can't "fix" people. They have to want to be "fixed".

Take care.

[inlovewithaviking]

Hi

It's great I think that you're doing a lot of research and trying to manage this situation.

I would advise though to proceed with caution. I have been in a similar situation in the past and it became all-consuming, with me giving more and more and more for less and less and less in return. In the end, that relationship nearly broke me.

Communication is a two way street. Please remember your value too and you can't "fix" people. They have to want to be "fixed".

Take care.

Thank you so much for your comment

Yeah.. that's what I had been feeling until I had a talk with him. It's so true that communication is a two way street! He's now engaging to the conversation more, and yesterday we had a nice video call for the first time in a while!

[chester]

Actually sometimes I just feel like got sick of texting and calling so I don't think it's something about relationship. I just don't want to use my phone or look at the screen for a while and it has nothing to do with my feelings to my girlfriend.

[inlovewithaviking]

:0 I'm pretty sure that's what he was feeling, cause I had that feeling yesterday..

Thank you for ur comment

[yeahzero]

I understand how you feel right now.
I have a girlfriend in Japan and we will be 3 years next month. However, our communication isn't that great right now. I prefer the every day text or call too and it doesn't mean long conversations but a simple message or 5 mins call will do, however, she rarely initiates texting or calling and sometimes doesn't communicate at all. I try to think that she may be very busy with her new job but I also can't help to think that she may be falling out of love which makes me depressed these days.

I just accepted the fact that it is very likely that she will break up with me anytime soon.

I agree that good communication is vital in long distance relationships. If both of you can agree of the time to talk to each other, that would be great. Also, don't put 100 percent of your time and effort in the relationship. Do other things, improve on yourself, or be busy with other stuffs. These advices I'm giving are exactly the things I'm trying to do right now. It's not an easy situation but I have to take care of myself if the person i cared much doesn't feel the same.

[inlovewithaviking]

I understand how you feel right now.
I have a girlfriend in Japan and we will be 3 years next month. However, our communication isn't that great right now. I prefer the every day text or call too and it doesn't mean long conversations but a simple message or 5 mins call will do, however, she rarely initiates texting or calling and sometimes doesn't communicate at all. I try to think that she may be very busy with her new job but I also can't help to think that she may be falling out of love which makes me depressed these days.

I just accepted the fact that it is very likely that she will break up with me anytime soon.

I agree that good communication is vital in long distance relationships. If both of you can agree of the time to talk to each other, that would be great. Also, don't put 100 percent of your time and effort in the relationship. Do other things, improve on yourself, or be busy with other stuffs. These advises I'm giving are exactly the things I'm trying to do right now. It's not an easy situation but I have to take care of myself if the person i cared much doesn't feel the same.

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.

I think she can at least tell you how she's feeling and be open to you, especially if you've been together for three years it's not even so hard to do so...
I hope she'll be more honest and sincere with you..

I'm kind of concerned about the fact that I'm always the one to call and he's the one to end the call, even though he probably does care about me.
I should try my best not to put 100% of my time into the relationship as you said, that's what I always tend to do and eventually burn out x)

Thank you so much for your comment, take care!