should I be friends with ex b/c of quarantine?

[ldrbreakup]

Hi all, I wanted to update you guys on what happened. So basically, he still hasn't gotten off the waitlist and during the time we were broken up, I really thought for a long time whether I should just make the move to his state. I finally decided recently that I really wanted to still be with him, and he claims he still really likes me that I'm perfect for him. It was a big sacrifice to leave my family for him while not being financially stable without a car, but I was willing to give it a try.

I told him about it and he said he was open to the idea if I really wanted to move. However, he brought up another problem. He's gotten really close to the female friend I've mentioned before, she has severe depression and he HAS to be there for her. He says that during the time apart, he had a routine with her of calling (voice chat) 1-3 hours each night, ranting, studying, chilling, etc. but he claims they don't have feelings for each other. Even if I become his gf again, he said he wouldn't stop talking to this friend because it's unfair for her and there's no reason for him to leave her. I told him I could possibly get close to her and join those calls, but he said that's weird and probably uncomfortable for her. No matter how much I tried to reason that it feels uncomfortable for me to have him spend time with and give attention to her, he said I'm being unreasonable for not letting him keep talking to his close friend 'because it's a girl'.

He kept telling me my points are valid, but doesn't want to make a compromise of him gradually spending less time talking to her each week. I'm okay with them texting, but voice calling 1-3 hours every night is too much for me. He said it's a consequence of our break up, basically it feels like I have to deal with it because I caused it. I don't think it's wrong for him to have gotten close to her, but if he wanted me to move to his state and be with me, I think he should try to give me more time, especially in a LDR.

Nonetheless, we couldn't come to an agreement on that matter. We were on different pages. He says a lot has changed since the break up which I understand, but it just felt like he didn't want to work at all for us anymore. So I'm happy to say, I've dodged a bullet. We've broken up. As much tears as I've shed, time I've spent, I know I won't get it back, but at least I know I'm not stuck in a relationship where I have to share time with a depressed female friend of his. *I'm not trying to minimize the severity of depression. I understand it is a problem and she is going through therapy, but he said he will still have these hangouts with her even after her depression is gone because they've gotten close and it's just how it happened.*

[vivid_idea]

Oh gosh, there is no way I would tolerate my SO talking to another woman every night for 1-3 hours. I don't think it matters if she is depressed or if they genuinely are just friends. It's just too much time and intimacy. If he really wanted things to work out with you, then he would've been ok with telling his friend that he is sorting things out with you and he wont have nearly as much time for her anymore.

Well done to you. I'm so sorry it's hurt you so much but it does sound like you did, indeed, "dodge a bullet".

[MsGrim]

Oh gosh, there is no way I would tolerate my SO talking to another woman every night for 1-3 hours. I don't think it matters if she is depressed or if they genuinely are just friends. It's just too much time and intimacy.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Especially if you offered to become her friend as well and he completely shot that idea down... That's a hard pass for me. I am sorry this is happening but at least you know exactly what you have to do going forward. Focus on giving yourself love and all of the other pieces of life will fall into place.

[DaveHV]

"probably uncomfortable for her" - more like uncomfortable for him being caught with his pants down with all the lies he might be feeding that girl currently.

"He said it's a consequence of our break up, basically it feels like I have to deal with it because I caused it" - more like his psychological projection and immaturity.

"he said I'm being unreasonable" - #hypocrite101... his downplaying of his intimacy with this so-called friend is very unreasonable.

"he wanted me to move to his state" - You're already making the step to move, and he can't become serious to start establishing boundaries with his so-called friend? All the warning bells are sounding. He has severe commitment issues.

"He says a lot has changed since the break up" - More like his true colors appearing. I feel sorry for that so-called friend and the therapy she will have to go through when he starts showing his true character to her.

Start the healing process and find someone who can respect you for your worth. Doesn't that sound fair? Glad you dodged a very big ballistic missile!

[ldrbreakup]

Thank you all for your comments and reassurance that I'm not overreacting or being unreasonable. So much has changed and I'm still very confused as to why it played out the way it did but I feel a lot better now than holding onto false hope before. I'm sure my decision to officially break up is the right choice. Really unfortunate it has come to this, but also really grateful it happened.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I agree with @DaveHV entirely.

He's not being honest with you, himself, or this girl. Here's hoping her vulnerability doesn't cause her issues with him down the line.

[ldrbreakup]

He says her personality isn't what he's looking for in a girl and she drinks, his religion doesn't allow drinking and he doesn't drink himself. I'm not going to go deeper and say he's lying or whatever, it's his choice and his life. If they like each other, I'll be happy for them. I know I didn't mention this before, but she has a tendency to self harm. It could be his future doctor mindset where he feels the need to be there for someone so vulnerable, but I still can't be in a relationship knowing that my feelings are minimized because I'm stronger than she is. I'm also afraid of possible manipulation or threatening by the girl, not towards me, but towards my ex who might be manipulated into spending even more time with her. Whatever it may be, I'm glad I'm out of it. Just right now, I'm still processing a GREAT amount of emotions and thoughts. I know it'll take time before I move on, and hopefully it'll be soon. Thank you guys for being there and giving me advice these past few months. Especially @Atlantic Crossroads.

[vivid_idea]

ldrbreakup, in your last comment it reminded me of something that used to happen with my ex. I think he had a bit of a hero-complex. When we first got together he always wanted to "help" other people. Not always women, but most of the time. I think it made him feel good about himself. He even moved a friend into our house because she was struggling so much. He was never cheating on me, but he was definitely compromising the safety of our relationship. I really hated it, and over the course of many years, I managed to install the boundaries I needed. He has always been like that, though. Now that we are no longer together (he is the father of my children) I get to see how he slowly falls back into those patterns.

It wasn't for me, and it sounds like it isn't for you either.

[ldrbreakup]

I'm not sure if he was as severe as your ex. But I know my ex had a big ego, I'm not sure if it has to do anything with this breakup. As difficult as it may have been for you with a kid and all, I'm glad you made the right decision to leave him. I know a few months down the line, I wouldn't be in a healthy mental state if I stayed with my ex. It would be a huge toll on him and on me. Helping people has it's boundaries too, and if they're willing to sacrifice, say family or relationships, to help others, that's quite selfish of him. It feels bad for us because he's also being selfless for others in need and it feels like maybe we're the bad guy here.

But you're right, it's not for us and I'm glad I didn't suck it up and stay.

[vivid_idea]

My thoughts exactly ldrbreakup. I'm glad you didn't suck it up, either. If you ever need support, there are lots of us here who are happy to listen

[ldrbreakup]

Thank you vivid_idea! I chose to calmly talk to him about it again and settle our differences. Even if we couldn't be lovers, I didn't want to end on a disagreement/argument. It is the closure I needed and I'm moving on now!

[ldrbreakup]

To the few who have read my breakup story, I have a small update. My ex contacted me a few days ago for a holiday greeting/small catch up. He told me he got into a med school in his state and was wondering if I saw the possibility of getting back together if he were to go to school in his state (which requires me to move to him). He also mentioned that he gradually talked less and less to the other girl, who was one of our main reasons for the official breakup.

Unfortunately for him, I've moved on quite a lot and was able to find happiness during the past few months. I no longer felt any sadness or longingness even when he messaged me, which shows how much I've recovered! I told him I'd rather stay the way we are now and he was understanding. What felt like eternal sadness is now gone and I'm so thankful I was able to express everything here. It has helped me cope a lot and hopefully, people who are going through something similar will see that the sadness isn't here to stay. Hope you all have a wonderful new year!

[LisaS]

Wow I don’t even know you and I am so proud of you coming out of this breakup even stronger than ever before! I can tell that you are a smart, caring, loving person and the fact that you were willing to move for him shows how committed you are to him (I’m also Asian and know how hard it can be to move away for a relationship!). Even though he has feelings for you, he’s shown to you that he wasn’t as committed (and I’m guessing whatever he had with the stupid nurse girl didn’t work out!). The original post you wrote had me feeling so sad and your update just made me smile so much! You deserve so much in the world and I know you’ll find the love of your life whenever you’re ready to receive it! Much love and positive vibes girl!

[Rezie]

Well done you!