Need Advice - LDR with Depression

[Philatomanc]

Hi everyone, first time posting here. I’m in a really troubling situation and could use as much advice as I can get. My boyfriend and I met a year and a half ago while I was teaching in Spain. He’s from the UK and I’m from the USA. Everything was great until corona happened which forced us to move back to our respective countries. I was lucky to have a job waiting for me back home, so the virus hasn’t affected me too much financially, but my boyfriend has fallen into a deep depression. He hasn’t worked in months and can’t seem to find anything. I try to be supportive as possible but it’s so hard now that we have no idea when we’ll see each other again. Originally we were FaceTiming and playing online games together and stuff to keep connected, but as he goes longer without a job he becomes more depressed. Now we text a bit everyday but getting him to even have a phone call with me is really difficult, and he sounds so sad it breaks my heart. I know this is a temporary situation and I’m trying my best to just be there for him and not expect much in return, but it’s getting really difficult. I love him and I’m not sure what to do, I’m supposed to start grad school in the UK in September but that may be pushed back or cancelled. Any advice on how to get through this tough situation? My boyfriend applied for free therapy through the NHS (he doesn’t have much money) but hasn’t heard back, I just don’t know how to support him when he shuts me out more and more.

TL;DR My LD boyfriend is unemployed and depressed, now he doesn’t want to talk much, sometimes at all. I want to support him to keep the relationship going but don’t know how, could use some advice or ideas.

[Christophe516]

Hi everyone, first time posting here. I’m in a really troubling situation and could use as much advice as I can get. My boyfriend and I met a year and a half ago while I was teaching in Spain. He’s from the UK and I’m from the USA. Everything was great until corona happened which forced us to move back to our respective countries. I was lucky to have a job waiting for me back home, so the virus hasn’t affected me too much financially, but my boyfriend has fallen into a deep depression. He hasn’t worked in months and can’t seem to find anything. I try to be supportive as possible but it’s so hard now that we have no idea when we’ll see each other again. Originally we were FaceTiming and playing online games together and stuff to keep connected, but as he goes longer without a job he becomes more depressed. Now we text a bit everyday but getting him to even have a phone call with me is really difficult, and he sounds so sad it breaks my heart. I know this is a temporary situation and I’m trying my best to just be there for him and not expect much in return, but it’s getting really difficult. I love him and I’m not sure what to do, I’m supposed to start grad school in the UK in September but that may be pushed back or cancelled. Any advice on how to get through this tough situation? My boyfriend applied for free therapy through the NHS (he doesn’t have much money) but hasn’t heard back, I just don’t know how to support him when he shuts me out more and more.

TL;DR My LD boyfriend is unemployed and depressed, now he doesn’t want to talk much, sometimes at all. I want to support him to keep the relationship going but don’t know how, could use some advice or ideas.

My heart goes out to you.

[tokyo blues]

Depression Its a really common topic these (pandemics) days. And unfortunately, as you mentioned, one of the most common responses to this situation is closing up to people.
It really happened to me with my SO. All i did was be there for him, when he really didn't wanted to talk, i would sent him a text wishing him a good day with a dad joke or a cat falling down (because I know that makes him laugh) and then tell him that i was there for him in his process.
Having someone and then not its hard. We all relate to that feeling. But remember that is about building a bridge not a wall so him meeting you half way to communicate is key.

[Philatomanc]

Thank you, that’s really well said. I’m sorry you’ve gone through something similar, I’ll try to implement some of your ideas!

[tokyo blues]

Thank you, that’s really well said. I’m sorry you’ve gone through something similar, I’ll try to implement some of your ideas!

No prob. That's what we are her for! let me know how things work out for you. 😊😊😊

[OhioJim]

Another idea for you.

He may also not be eating right, so you should suggest that he get some B complex vitamin pills. I tried that, and within a day I noticed an improvement in my attitude. B vitamins, particularly B12 are important for proper mental functioning.

[Philatomanc]

That’s a good idea! I recently discovered I was low on vitamins D and B12 and have noticed an improvement in my mood after starting multivitamins. I’m pretty sure he takes st. John’s wort and a multivitamin daily but i’ll ask what’s in them. Thank you!

[Philatomanc]

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you I appreciate it ❤️

[vivid_idea]

Hi, I’m so sorry you are going thru this. It must be really heartbreaking for you. Please know that there are a LOT of nice people on this forum who have dealt with, or are dealing with, similar problems. LDRs are far from easy!

I know I have had moments of low self esteem during my relationship and that makes me want to withdraw into myself. It’s really hard to talk to someone you love when you are feeling down because you don’t want to drag them down too. Also, feelings of worthlessness can creep in and then you can start feeling like you don’t deserve the other person which makes you push them away even more. It can easily become a vicious cycle unfortunately.

I know what helps me when I am like that is just to be told that I am loved and that my SO is still there for me. Kisses, hugs, cards, photos, all these things help. Even if I don’t respond straight away, it always lifts me up eventually.

I’m sorry I can’t help you with the practical side of what he can do to improve his situation. But hopefully you can find a way to feel connected to him again soon. I wish you all the best, and keep us posted.

[Angel]

Don't push on him and don't burden yourself with its development. Look at his personality first, may be he need some other kind of actions now, i use Volikov test te see what people are like. I recommend focusing on yourself so he we will be looking for your interest.

[Philatomanc]

Hi, I’m so sorry you are going thru this. It must be really heartbreaking for you. Please know that there are a LOT of nice people on this forum who have dealt with, or are dealing with, similar problems. LDRs are far from easy!

Thank you for your kind words, I’ve been so happy to join this community and know other people are going through a similar situation, it makes it a bit less difficult! That’s true, my response to feeling down is usually wanting to talk more but his style seems more to retreat. I’ll just have to keep letting know I’m here for him and not expecting a response soon, or sometimes at all. I’m glad to know that you still appreciated things your SO sent to you even if you didn’t respond, because it hurts sometimes when I try to connect over a cute story or meme or something and he doesn’t address it. I appreciate your perspective

[Philatomanc]

Don't push on him and don't burden yourself with its development. Look at his personality first, may be he need some other kind of actions now, i use Volikov test te see what people are like. I recommend focusing on yourself so he we will be looking for your interest.

Thank you, I’ve never heard of the Volikov test before I’ll definitely check it out. I agree that focusing on myself and letting him come to me when he wants to talk would be better, but I really struggle with doing that. Even in person I was always the one who initiated conversation more, but I did notice he seemed more motivated to make an effort when I wasn’t paying attention to him as much. I guess I’ll try to keep myself busy and let him decide when he’s ok enough to talk or text. Thanks! 🤗

[OhioJim]

The Volikov test is closely related to Astrology.

I do not wish to start an argument, but personally I am skeptical.

[Philatomanc]

The Volikov test is closely related to Astrology.

I do not wish to start an argument, but personally I am skeptical.

Yeah it seems similar to star signs. Interesting to read but I don’t follow astrology closely.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'm only sorry that my internet has been down for 4 days, and I'm just seeing this post now.
I have first hand experience of depression myself, and having my fiance suffer with it. I won't sugarcoat it. It is tough as hell when you're feeling ok, and they're in a pit of despair. You will need kindness, empathy, compassion, and endless patience. Even armed with these, it may be an uphill battle. Your best bet is to focus on what is within your spheres of control. Diet, exercise and sleep. I suggested my fiance eat some fish, and he said it did help. Sleep is difficult, because when you're stressed it tends to go up the wall. Personally, I take theanine, which is a supplement found in green tea that helps soothe the nervous system. I find it's more effective if you take it daily, but that could be costly. Though I've recently taken it just before bed, and I have noticed a positive difference.
Somethings I struggle with are hydration and sugar. Water is a bare necessity but your brain suffers if you don't have enough. Sugar I've found brings my mood down, and makes me tired and irritable.
The most important things that you can do are to keep loving him through it, and don't resent him for his lack of anything. You need to keep reminding yourself that whilst his depression may affect his behaviour, they are two separate entities. He is not his depression, and the depression isn't him. It's difficult sometimes to remember that, but it's key. You will both suffer because of it, and it's cruel and unfair. But the man you love is still in there, I promise.

Big sympathetic hugs your way.