Loving someone but just can't do LDR?

[Canuck_girl]

Hi everyone.

I am 51 (female) and I have been taking to and seeing a man periodically (51) for the past 9 months. Not dating. I'm not sure what you would call it really.

He lives just shy of 5 hours away from me. He is in the USA and I am in Canada.

He has told me that he loves me and is serious to the point where he sees me as his wife.
The problem is that neither of us can move at the moment and quite frankly, I don't know when. He and I both have pre-teens at home.

He has told me from day 1 that he has issue with LDRs. But stupidly, I hung on, hoping that something would change, on my end or his.
I, on the other hand have had LDRs before and I don't find them difficult to manage.

He is the type of person that says he NEEDS someone near him. He needs physical touch and intimacy ( I'm not talking purely about sex of course). As much as I love that, my need is more emotional. That is what sustains me.

We have discussed things and he will not do the LDR as much as he says he loves and cares for me.

For me, I'd rather see him sometimes rather than none at all. He's not of that mind, clearly. And I can't help but feel hurt.

I just need an outside perspective.

Are there people who can't manage and hate LDRs so much that they won't conceded no matter how much they love the other person?

Sorry is this seems like a juvenile question but I just can't wrap my head around it.

Many thanks in advance.

[OhioJim]

LDRs, like Age Gap, are not for everyone. Some can handle it, some can't.

He said he needs physical closeness, which he can not get in an LDR. There is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with you wanting emotional support. In my own case, I need both, and so does my SO. We have decided that it will be more than worth the wait when we can close the distance gap.

My guess is that, with preteens on both sides, it will be a long time before you can close the gap. Keeping it going is up to you.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

My man often tells me that he loves me, but hates everything else about our relationship. This is his first LDR, and he is a very tactile person too. He lives for hugs!
I have apologised to him before for putting him in this scenario, as to him it's a living hell. Since covid, even I have a new hatred for this distance and have said I'd want to be in a position to close the distance when the borders open.

But, to answer your question I think he is being short sighted in this. As you said, if he really loves you why would he never want to talk to you again? Perhaps he needs to have time away from you for a while, and see if his idea can actually work for him.
I took a break from my man for a week, and it did change his mind. Ultimately, you can't make him be in a LDR if he doesn't want to. So he will have to make that choice.

[Rezie]

I would believe him. He is straight up telling you that he doesn't want ldr. Do you really want to have to convince him? I'm not saying that he might not come around but I'm tempted to believe someone when they are telling things I don't want to hear. He might just knows himself.

Do you have alternative options? Like keeping the relationship casual and meeting every now and then but no pressure on relationship?

I didn't want to do a ldr but in the end we decided to give it a try and here we are. If I'm ever single, I do know I'm not gonna do it again. I don't think the distance was hard, but all the massive decisions that come with ldr are something I'm not enjoying.

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, *hugs* this must be so tough for you. I am sorry you are going through this.

My honest opinion is that if he already knows that he will feel so unfulfilled in a LDR then you probably need to get some space and perspective from your connection with him. LDRs are hard, even for those who think they can do them. If he already feels that he doesn’t want to do one then it is most likely he will just become resentful as time moves forward, if you managed to convince him to try. I’m sorry to say.

I would recommend having a proper break of no contact with each other. As hard as that will be. It will give you both the opportunity to see what you mean to each other, and get your feelings clear. I don’t think there is any other way to allow a potential ‘change of heart’ to happen for him.

I also have preteens, so I know that really adds a road block. My SO has no children and so we always knew that he would have to eventually move to me. That has never been a debate. If he also had children, and there was going to be years of our lives remaining separate, then I’m not sure I could do it either. But 5 hours is not too far. I would be happy if I could fly to see my SO every 3 weeks or so.

As you can see, it’s really up to the individual and what they are willing to go through. Your friend must decide this, but it sounds like he already has.

All the best to you <3

[Canuck_girl]

Thank you so much to all of you for your input. It's much appreciated 😊

OhioJim

Thank you for confirming that not everyone is cut out for it. I never looked at it as an excuse but I would be lying if I didn't think that he didn't love me "enough". So I appreciate your perspective.

Atlantic Crossroads

Thank you and sorry that your S/O is having a rough time.

He does still want to talk to me. I, on the other hand, as much as it would tear me apart, think I need some time and space. It would be hard for me to turn this into something purely plantonic because of the way I feel about him. He's much better at compartmentalizing things than I am.

Rezie

Thank you for your insight and the answer is no. I don't want to push him into it at all. That would be a recipe for disaster. But it still hurts, only because I don't think that way.

Yes, we certainly could keep it casual. He might be able to do it but I don't think I can do it for much longer. I couldn't handle him dating other people. And without any kind of committment, I can't stop him from doing that.
I know that I couldn't date. Once I am emotionally involved in someone, that's it. LOL
I would have to get him ' out of my system' so to speak before I do that.

Vivid_idea

I appreciate your opinion and the hugs 🥰

He very much knows himself. He has done long distance before, a few times (maybe 2 hours away) and it doesn't work for him. He knows this. I suppose I thought that he might make an exception for me ( ridiculous thinking, I know) but that's not the case.

I am in the position now, since our talk on Friday, that I need to make that decision; to continue to talk or to take some space. This has me in tears daily. It's a tough decision to make.

And I used to work for him too. Not lately because of Covid-19, but it would be starting up again in a couple of months. We know that this is an issue, for me at least. I loved working with/for him but I am just not where I need to be emotionally to sit by and watch him date others. (They would likely be at some of the events that he puts on).

Many thanks again for everyone's advice. It has helped me try to understand his perspective.

[Cottinball]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to have your own space. I totally understand where he’s coming from but he should also understand what you’re looking for. Since y’all have been seeing each other for a while, I get how it might be hard to let go. It’s okay if your lives just aren’t lining up right now, but if he really wanted it, he would wait. Period

[DirkJanV]

Hi, I can understand him. When I fell for my SO I really had to think hard about the prospect of an LDR. Would I be able to do that, for a longer period of time (in our case we are looking at years before there is a chance to close the distance). I decided to give it a go and I am fully committed now. Still there are moments when it's difficult. The pain of missing her sometimes is just too much. When I see couples walking hand in hand in the street I think often ' they have no idea how lucky they are'. So I understand very well it's not for everyone, and if he knows that about himself it's brave to make a conscious choice rather than knowing it will crash later on because of that. I think Atlantic Crossing put it well in words: You love your SO and hate the long distance. I don't think anyone on this forum likes to be apart from their SO, but we do it out of love.

[Canuck_girl]

Thank you Cottinball and DirkJanV
I appreciate your insight and sharing your experiences 😊