Long distance girlfriend unable for video calls due to abuse in her past relationship

[another-human-]

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 6 months. Unfortunately she was violently abused both physically and mentally by her ex. her ex forcibly cut off her hair. She got injured while trying to stop him but she managed to record the scene as an evidence for the police. This abuse led her to attempt to commit suicide twice. When we started talking, her daily schedule was a mess. She didn't eat and sleep properly, and used to drink frequently while she was on consultation with her psychiatrist. I have been consoling her everyday to heal her from her wound. we have a lot of fun when we talk on the phone. We believe she's more stable than she was before. Now she laughs a lot, which makes me happy. However, every time I ask for a video call, she becomes hesitant and says her hands shake while seeing herself on the camera. I waited first 3 months to let her become comfortable with camera. But she's still not okay with video calls. I understand her situation, but Often it made me so confused that I broke up our relationship 4 times. Each time she broke down and cried so much that I reestablished the relationship again. She also said she doesn't want to hurt me because the previous man interrupted a part of her life. (I know it's stupid of me to do so repititively). She wanted to visit me in April, but because of this Corona situation, it wasn't possible. She wants to visit me as soon as the situation permits, but it seems we must wait a few more months considering the pandemic. I'm in Europe. She's in Korea. We're both 29 years old. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish for a video call. I think many would understand the frustration of loving someone for 6 months and have the feelings confined only in texting and calling. Please, any advise? -Thank you for having the time to read!-

[DaveHV]

I would proceed with caution. Refusal to do video calls can be a red flag. Of course we have to acknowledge people's trauma. However if she was able to record her abuse, she can be comfortable on camera. A relationship is ultimately sacrifice and compromise. LDR isn't roses and rainbows every day. Tread carefully bro. If you broke it off four times already... what is your gut instinct telling you?

[MsGrim]

Have you ever seen her on camera? Are you worried about her not being who she says she is or do you just really want to see her on video? Maybe some compromise can be made here... Is she uncomfortable because you are watching her? If so, maybe ask if she can record a short video and send it to you, that could possibly lessen her concerns. How long ago did she suffer through this abuse? If it was not long ago, then give her a little more time; its not easy to mentally recover from something like that. My mom suffered abuse with her ex husband, I was there through it all and witnessed the amount of stress she went through even after it was all said and done.

After you end things with her, you said you reestablish the relationship because she breaks down? Are you mending things because of the way she reacts or because you want to make it work with her? Don't get back together with someone because they want you to... this is also about your happiness and you shouldn't be in a relationship if the other person is making you feel forced to stay with them.

It sounds like she has a TON of stuff going on, and its great that you are trying to remain supportive but this can also bring toxic traits into the relationship. Not video chatting with you is something that she can change, but shes choosing not to. I understand her situation, but I think it really depends on how long ago this happened to her. Also, if this happened, say, right before you started dating, why would she start a new relationship with everything that shes dealing with?

Definitely talk to her about this and get a better understanding between the 2 of you. Let her know you are there for her but you have your own needs as well. Find some common ground and make sure you are both making sacrifices for one another.

[vivid_idea]

I absolutely second Ms Grim's comment.

As a few extra thoughts, I know that you can get extremely attached to someone when you go through a lot of conversations and intimacy to do with their thoughts and feelings and emotions. It's something to do with attachment and transference. Because you have been reliving this trauma with her, it will make it a lot harder for you to let go.

I will share a brief story with you. It happened to a friend of mine. He was talking to a woman for two years and she claimed to have gone through some abusive relationships in the past. She used this as her reason for why they sometimes could not talk etc. He was very attached because he was worried and he cared about her. Eventually he found a profile with her photo through the gaming community where they had first connected. It was a completely different person. In the end he found out she had a husband and several kids. He even spoke to her husband on the phone, who didn't seem all that surprised.

I don't mean to share such an unfortunate story to imply that your girlfriend would be doing anything similar necessarily. But refusing to video chat, for any reason, is a red flag on the internet. Even if everything she has told you id the truth, then why would she pursue a relationship with you if she us unable to do this basic form of interaction. You obviously think (and most people would) that an LDR needs some visual input to be really rewarding.

I remember when I first met my SO. Even when he sent me videos and evidence that he was flying to see me. He sent constant updates and videos/photos from his layover stops, there was a tiny part of me that still wondered if it could be a fabrication. I know this is crazy, and don't think I don't trust my SO. But after hearing my friend's story, I wasn't completely relaxed until he was holding me in his arms at the airport.

I absolutely understand your concerns.