Bit of a crisis!

[uk_girl]

Tonight, my SO has for some reason, chosen to 'hide' on Facebook our relationship.

Red flag?

I think so.

I've asked him to make it viewable again and he first of all claimed to not know what I was on about, then he's saying he'll look at it "sometime tomorrow" so I said it's not very nice to see when nothing bad has happened between us and he'd be the same if I was the culprit as such. To which he's replied "I wouldn't care and I don't" and he'll "change it to single soon i'm so getting f**king annoyed with you"

What the hell do I do here???

I've done nothing to merit this action and subsequent outburst... Or do I just presume it's another one of his mind games in order to get a bit of attention???

Any help/advice much appreciated - I'm pretty upset right now.

[Taija]

That does sound really weird, especially his outburst.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but..
I can't say what the deal with him is since I don't know your boyfriend, but from what I've read from your posts, he seems to keep changing his mind all the time. First he's at the verge of breaking up with you and then suddenly he's all over you again. On the long run, that kind of relationship is not healthy and he really needs to get a grip of himself.

I don't really know what you should do. If he really is just looking for attention, maybe you should not give him any - simply don't talk to him until he comes to his senses, and only then have a serious conversation about the issue.

[uk_girl]

Thanks Taija.

It's not harsh at all so don't worry about upsetting me!

He does seem to change his mind a lot I will admit that - but since I've got to know him more and more (been together 2 years but still learning new things each day!) I have noticed that he will do things like this, then a couple of days later he will be back to normal. So I can't help but think this is for some attention and for me to go running after him, saying nice things to boost his ego etc.

But on the other hand, he hasn't been as keen to see me of late (asked to do something on 13th/14th of this month and he wasn't bothered. And he didn't seem that bothered when I said I'd meet him near his on 27th) and I just feel like his effort levels are reducing week-by-week whereas mine are at a constant eager level.

I can't go on forever like this. I love him to death but I'm starting to struggle to come to terms with the fact that I'm investing far more time, effort, money and feelings into this than he is.

I'm just going to send him a goodnight text before I sleep then leave him to it.

[Mio]

I think you s hould have a serious talk with him. Because it looks like he is having commitment issues. For me it would be very strange if my boyfriend changed his relationship status out of the blue, and being the worry wart thatI am I would think of a thousand possiblities of why he changed it. But something that I learned is that whenever you have a little something that is bothering you, you should voice it to your SO, because that will go on deep and keep on damaging your relationship. Ask him what he wants from this relationship? And compare it to what you want to this relationship, and then talk heart to heart about it. ]]

Best wishes!

[Rach321]

It really does seem like he is very changeable in your relationship. I'm curious- when things are normal, does he talk about loving you/being committed to you? I guess I'm curious about how he behaves when things are normal because you also want to be sure that you are both on the same page at least in that respect.

I know that when someone has committment issues, those issues can come out in very twisted ways, such as taking it out on the other person. If this is the case, then unfortunately, I'm not really sure if there is anything you can do. He has to work through those issues himself and decide that they aren't going to continue getting in the way of your relationship. From what you've talked about in the past, it does seem that the two of you really do need to sit down and talk about what you expect from the relationship. Regardless of how you feel about one another, if the things you want don't match (or if you can't find compromises that work for both parties), the relationship just won't work out. To start, try writing out what it is that you want/expect. And try to write out as well his behaviors that are hurtful toward you. If he can do the same thing, then perhaps you can talk about how to have a healthier relationship.

[Elena]

Hmm...yeah, I would say that's pretty worrysome. I'd agree that the two of you should have a good long talk about how you feel and what your expectations are. I also find that writing things out first can help, so maybe give that a try. I think everyone else pretty much covered it. So, good luck, and *hugs*!

[uk_girl]

Thanks guys.

And @Rach - when he's being normal : in person, it's amazing. He's so attentive, cute, caring and we have the best time ever. But when apart, I still find that it always seems to be me contacting him first, me that tells him I miss him, and me that says all the nice pet names to let him know I think of him when apart etc.

After two years though (well, almost 2 years) he's yet to use the big L-word which has concerned me slightly in the past. He's had a few relatively long-term relationships and I'm not sure obviously if he's said it then. But he had a 5 year relationship where they lived in the same town - and to my knowledge, they didn't live together or anything like that - now, that seems strange to me.

I'm just absolutely lost at the minute. On paper I know that I should just leave it and walk off - but when feelings come into play, then it's so much harder, especially after so long. You kinda cling onto the hope that he can and will change...but I don't even have much hope of that at the minute.

What do you guys suggest I do - not communicate with him all day, let him come to me and then raise these issues?

PS. It's early, I'm moody and tired so apologies if some of this doesn't make sense lol.

[Tanja]

First of all, it's definitely weird that he changed the FB status just like that... By what I've read from your posts it seems like he might have a slight commitment problem but maybe he doesn't acknowlegde it himself or does but just doesn't wanna talk about it. It's definitely very weird that after nearly 2 years he still hasn't said he loves you and like you said, in a previous relationship he was in for 5 years and didn't even live together... That to me is a pretty obvious sign he's not ready or willing to committ to a serious relationship the way he should by now.

Maybe some if his friends have pessured him about your relationship? Maybe making jokes about him settling down etc and he sort of wants to show that he's still out in the open even though he isn't. Though if that's the case then it's very wrong towards you and you should talk to him about it.

Maybe he's got some issues he hasn't talked to you about and he's having a bad day and he's seeking for attention like you said or just wants to push your buttons. It does seem pretty odd to me that when you're together he's very affectionate and sweet but when you're apart he's keeping his distance and acting differently. If I was in your shoes my imagination would be running full speed by now and I'd suspect he's fooling around with someone else and doesn't really care about you unless you're physically together. BUT I'm not saying that's the case, that's just something my twisted suspicious mind would think lol.

I would definitely wait for him to make the first move and to see if he realises himself that what he did has hurt you. After that you need to have a serious talk and preferably face-to-face so he can't just ignore you or change the subject when he gets uncomfortable.

[uk_girl]

Thanks Tanja.

I'm posting this from work on my phone so apologies for any errors!

I'm quite an insecure person anyway, so obviously i'm thinking he wants to hide me and appear single for a reason...maybe to hook up with others, like you say. I dont think he would cheat but obviously i've never had the suspicion that he could. Until now.

It does seem very shady that he would remove it for no reason at all, especially as yesterday afternoon we were communicating fine, having a laugh and some good banter as normal?! I would know if something was wrong as he'd be an arsehole and we'd be arguing. Which we haven't been. Strange.

Oh well, its Friday...he usually tends to get in touch if he thinks I'm going to be out tonight, as he's quite insecure himself and doesn't like it much when i'm out and he's bored at home!!

Just hope he respects me enough to tell me outright what is going on and if there is someone else on the scene.

[Sarah M]

I'm going to be really blunt and say he sounds like a mole. You're obviously putting in more effort. You obviously care more. There is a direct correlation between those two things. If he's not showing you as much attention as you deserve, or show him, it's really not a fair relationship and I hope for your sake that he either realises this and you both can work things out, or that you end it and get that self confidence back that you know you should have. I also hope that you went out tonight and had a blast. Take photos and put them on Facebook of how great a time you had, but make sure none of them show you too close with any male. Even if they're gay.

[uk_girl]

Thanks Sarah.

Can't really afford to go out as yet, so taking it easy with family tonight (its 7.30pm here now). Yet to hear off him and he's yet to change his Facebook though he HAS been online.

Not in the mood for an argument so gonna leave it til tomorrow evening I think.

No plans to go out but I'm just gonna 'lurk' on the Internet tonight as such so he doesn't know what I'm doing. I hate having to play these games

[Tanja]

I hope he'll contact you soon and you can get things sorted. Let us know how it goes when you do. We're all here to support you no matter what happens

[uk_girl]

Thank you Tanja - that means a lot to me.

Really strange how people I've never met, who I wouldn't recognise if they walked past me in the street, care about me Really does mean a lot

[Tanja]

I know, I've always thought how amazing it is that someone somewhere across the world is thinking about me! Funny world

[uk_girl]

It's great isn't it

Just a shame the one person who I'd love to be thinking about me, seems to want nothing to do with me at the mo