Does he not believe in us?

[fineartsforreal]

Hi everyone, i just made an account to post on this thread because i am at a loss.

My (now ex) ldr bf and i started a relationship about 4 months ago, we have not met yet because i am still living in my parents house and they cant know about my relationship. We were planning to wait meeting until i moved out when i was 18, which at the time is in 9 months.

From the beginning he told me he actually didn't really believe in LDR, but wanted to try it anyways bc he liked me enough at that time. AT the start it wasn't easy bc it was both of ours first 'real' relationship, but i believe the struggles never outweighed the fun and the love we had for each other. However, 4 months later he still really doubted our relationship, even though i felt like it was going great. We called more often we would send selfies everyday, update each other on what we were doing and just involving each other in our lives.

He and my best friend even started following each other and got along well. However every two or three weeks he would tell me that h was still unsure on whether or not we were gonna work out. I would be extremely sad about this but i was happy he was always honest with me. i would be sad over this but then cheer myself up by thinking "yeah it sucks that you can't see him now, but we're going to see each other so just hang on" This wasn't th case on his side. I know he also loves me and cares for me and would never intentionally hurt me, but that's one ting that set me off. He was always so scared that he was hurting or worrying me and that i deserved someone who could be here with me, but i always told him that it's him that i wanted, still do.

Two weeks ago he started with university, and has been very busy since then, as have i been as i am in my second year of college, but the first week, even though we were both so busy we still found time to talk at least a little bit everyday. We could call less and didn't really have much time to watch a movie(as we always did) but i knew that that was just normal and part of like. however i noticed he was starting to act very distant gave me forced answers back. This Wednesday he decided to break up with me, but didn't want to say that directly and told me very vaguely he wanted to be on a break and continue as friends so that he could think about whether or not he wants to continue what we have. I was angry because i know that it's purely his doubts and fear getting in the way. i believe that he let his doubts and fears overmaster his feelings, but i may be wrong on this.

Anyways, we had a petty fight and for the first time i really snapped at him because he was acting really immature, mind you, i'm two years younger but we both come from a very different background wherein i was forced from a young age to be mature and he wasn't. This last week i had stopped eating and was constantly crying and got into a fight with my best friend that told me to just drop him because she said he didn't what to put the effort in to keep trying. i gave him an ultimatum two days ago but he never replied to it, so i decided break the ice by saying let's just stop with this awkward bs. I know him enough to know that he won't say anything unless i pull it out of him. We've decided to stay friends and he told me that if i find someone else that i should go for it but i told him that i don't want that and that i'm willing to wait for him until we meet as friends and that when we meet we can look at the options. My biggest absolute fear now is just that when we meet, he'll have found someone else he is in a serious relationship with, which could happen because, life. He also told me that we could be friends even if he found someone knew but i genuinely don't think i could still be his friend if he does. i just love him too much. In my opinion i don't know if we would work out if we haven't even met each other, because i now that meeting one another makes a h*ll of a big difference. I guess I just don't know what to do and am in need for some real advice.

[Woweth]

Considering I’m of a similar age to you, and my boyfriend and I went through similar trouble before we met, I think I could be of some help.

My boyfriend and I had been friends for years, like you he’s also two years older than me, and it was two years into our friendship that we admitted we had feelings for each other. Well, I admitted it first, he felt the same, but didn’t think he would bother telling me because he couldn’t fathom a relationship working out due to the distance. For a few months we were kind of playing along as boyfriend and girlfriend but there was obvious tension because I was way more into the idea than him. Eventually, he would stop texting me as much, from several texts every day, to maybe three a week. It was awful, we were not in a serious relationship but it hurt nevertheless, my feelings were so strong for him, and I wanted to talk to him all the time, but he obviously didn’t feel the same. Around January of 2018, I’d eventually lost a lot of feelings about the ‘relationship’, I’d barely hear from him, and to be honest I was just over it. I sent him a very frank text telling him that whatever we had was over, and that he never gave us a chance to begin with so how would he know we wouldn’t work.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but something clicked. He finally seemed to understand what he put me through, and how negative he was being about the situation. We talked it over, and that was the real beginning of our relationship after that. Our communication got better, and we finally learned to be optimistic about the whole situation. We held on, and in 2019 got to meet. Several visits later and many weeks spent together, and we’re going very strong. His pessimistic attitude almost ruined our future, he doubted everything that could have happened, but we made it work regardless. We’ve had amazing time’s together and hopefully moving in together next year. It really did seem like odds were against us at first, we were so close to just dropping it, and if we did we never would have seen all we’ve managed to achieve as a couple.

It’s hard as hell, especially when you’re young and doing long distance, but it can work. I’m proof of that. If i were you, I’d just be frank with your boyfriend. Pour your heart out, let him see just how much you really are willing to put in to this relationship. Nine months to wait is not that long, we had to wait a year and a half before we could meet. Tell him all the things you have planned for the future and how you want him to be a part of it. If you feel it’s worth it, don’t listen to anyone else. Just because he’s unsure, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still care for you, or can’t be persuaded. It’s a big commitment but it’s very worth it, you just have to sell it to him. Make it known, loud and clear, that you love him, and that distance nor time will ever change that.

At the same time though, if you do all these things and he’s still not sure, or continues to push you away, then you might just have to let it go. Every relationship has potential and you should try to seek it out, but it doesn’t mean you’ll always find it. If he really isn’t into it, there’s not much you can do but let him go. You can’t let it engulf your life. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can change his mind. If not, well either way you’ll be just fine.

[fineartsforreal]

Thank you! However...

Considering I’m of a similar age to you, and my boyfriend and I went through similar trouble before we met, I think I could be of some help.

My boyfriend and I had been friends for years, like you he’s also two years older than me, and it was two years into our friendship that we admitted we had feelings for each other. Well, I admitted it first, he felt the same, but didn’t think he would bother telling me because he couldn’t fathom a relationship working out due to the distance. For a few months we were kind of playing along as boyfriend and girlfriend but there was obvious tension because I was way more into the idea than him. Eventually, he would stop texting me as much, from several texts every day, to maybe three a week. It was awful, we were not in a serious relationship but it hurt nevertheless, my feelings were so strong for him, and I wanted to talk to him all the time, but he obviously didn’t feel the same. Around January of 2018, I’d eventually lost a lot of feelings about the ‘relationship’, I’d barely hear from him, and to be honest I was just over it. I sent him a very frank text telling him that whatever we had was over, and that he never gave us a chance to begin with so how would he know we wouldn’t work.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but something clicked. He finally seemed to understand what he put me through, and how negative he was being about the situation. We talked it over, and that was the real beginning of our relationship after that. Our communication got better, and we finally learned to be optimistic about the whole situation. We held on, and in 2019 got to meet. Several visits later and many weeks spent together, and we’re going very strong. His pessimistic attitude almost ruined our future, he doubted everything that could have happened, but we made it work regardless. We’ve had amazing time’s together and hopefully moving in together next year. It really did seem like odds were against us at first, we were so close to just dropping it, and if we did we never would have seen all we’ve managed to achieve as a couple.

It’s hard as hell, especially when you’re young and doing long distance, but it can work. I’m proof of that. If i were you, I’d just be frank with your boyfriend. Pour your heart out, let him see just how much you really are willing to put in to this relationship. Nine months to wait is not that long, we had to wait a year and a half before we could meet. Tell him all the things you have planned for the future and how you want him to be a part of it. If you feel it’s worth it, don’t listen to anyone else. Just because he’s unsure, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t still care for you, or can’t be persuaded. It’s a big commitment but it’s very worth it, you just have to sell it to him. Make it known, loud and clear, that you love him, and that distance nor time will ever change that.

At the same time though, if you do all these things and he’s still not sure, or continues to push you away, then you might just have to let it go. Every relationship has potential and you should try to seek it out, but it doesn’t mean you’ll always find it. If he really isn’t into it, there’s not much you can do but let him go. You can’t let it engulf your life. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can change his mind. If not, well either way you’ll be just fine.

Hey and thank you for your response and i'm glad u guys worked out!

However, i've done everything i can. He knows i love him so much and still know that we can make it work, but he wants to stop our relationship... for now (he didn't say this but i'm sure that he meant until we are able to meet) The only thing i can do last is beg, but i will not drop so low jut for someone who's still not gonna change his opinion no matter what i say. He's doing this to prevent future pain for us,, or so i li

After not texting him for an entire day and him also not sending anything, today we decided we're just gonna stay as friends for now because he really doesn't see long distance working out. Every time i want to talk about the issue he says 'can we not talk about this right now bc its hurting the both of us'
I've told him i want to not set myself open for a relationship until we meet but he told me basically that anything can happen in a year and i should not lock myself out from new opportunities.

i told him about my nightmare where we met and he had a new girlfriend and his response to that was "idk maybe i will maybe i wont we don't know" and i know, thats just how life goes, but it still sucks and it has always been my biggest fear that he'd ditch me for a local girl. I've tried my best but he really doesn't want to try again, unless i was magically able to meet soon, but he knows my situation and that that will not change. We still kinda text throughout the day but he only talks if i talk to him and doesn't want to talk about what i'm feeling. If i didn't love him as much as i do i would've just went ok never-mind this is a waste of time. But i know that if we're together irl things would be different. He can't be in a relationship right now, he tells me and that if i want to find someone else in the meantime that i should go for it. I know this is hard for him too and that he cares about me and would never intentionally hurt me, but he just let his fears take over which is sad but there's nothing left i can do except for move on and hope for the best.I've been really trying to cope with this the last days as this is my first ever breakup and i've lost over 2kgs in 2 days sadly


Again thank you for your response and i am genuinely happy for you guys and i hope u guys will have a great future together

[DoroxPena88]

I am sorry that you guys were having struggles, especially being so young and having it as your first relationship. It sounds like to me that he was scared of commitment via long distance. LDR is hard, yes it is not easy for many, BUT it can work if you both put in equal effort, have future plans set and love each other. It sounded very one sided, you were ready to put in the effort to go till you guys were able to meet but he wasn't. His insecurities also got the better of him, which can be damaging to any relationship. When my bf and I started dating he had the same attitude, he loved me dearly but always thought I deserved someone else and I repeatedly told him I wanted him.

LDR gives both parties a chance to grow as individuals and mature. I also was in this relationship and hiding it from my parents lol, we started at 15 & 16 and I knew they wouldn't like the idea. But we gave it a chance, and there were fears of what our future would be. Would we ever meet? Would my parents approve? etc. However, despite the small fears we both have mutual feelings and wanted it to work out. Fortunate for us, we made ongoing 7 years and were able to meet last year. Now we are back waiting to meet each other again, and while we have been stressed over covid we won't let that destroy what we have and will meet again, eventually closing the distance.

An important thing in an LDR is to make sure you are both on the same page. If one starts doubting hard, it won't work until you talk about your fears together. Communication is SO SO important. I am sorry that it did not work out, despite he did not take your fears serious, they are serious and you are allowed to feel upset over them. It is unfair for you to feel so many more emotions than he did about your overall relationship. If he does not want to wait or assure you that he would, then it would be best to let yourself heal slowly and move on to someone who will respect you and even wait for you.