Delaying life & plans

[MsGrim]

So the original plan for the next visit was to wait until my SO was done with his studies... which would have been at the end of this month. Yesterday he said he was going to post pone them for a year to better prep for the final exams and build his resume. I am a little bummed because now I have no earthly idea when I will see him again. I was okay yesterday, I was in full support mode because he is just so stressed from this and I've been doing what I can do support him from a distance.

This morning I woke up and its hit me like a ton of bricks. When will I see him again? When does he plan to tell his parents about us now? Will we go a full year without being together? I feel like he's not ready to talk about this yet since this huge decision was made just yesterday. I think he's got too much on his mind to discuss any of this right now. So here I am, venting and seeking advice.. if any. I know you all can't answer ANY of these questions for me but any tips/advice on whether I should wait to bring all of this up or when/how. I am sure its all already on his mind but I don't want to be that girlfriend that seems selfish in talking about these things when he already has everything else going on. I don't want to put more stress on him.

He will be continuing his electives online until they start allowing them to do it in person, which I am assuming will be after COVID settles. He said once they open them back up to in person, he will do his very best to land an elective in my state. That sounds SO good, but again... Who knows when this will be.

[vivid_idea]

Did you guys get to talk over his decision first, or did he decide to postpone things without you guys discussing it?

The greatest source of conflict for my SO and me is trying to involve each other in decision making. I have kids and have to make decisions all the time. He gets upset that I don’t always involve him. I know if I had decided something big like that, my SO wouldn’t be talking to me right now. I don’t want to encourage you to be upset, but I think you are more than entitled to feel the way you are feeling right now.

It’s important to feel like you can talk to him about how you feel, and it’s not selfish to do that. It’s called emotional intimacy. You don’t have to add more stress by throwing blame, but a conversation about what your worries are and how best to tackle them is definitely in order. IMO. Focussing on what the positives are is important. I know it can be really tough to do that though. But if you keep these feelings bottled up, it’s only going to create a different rift between you. Good luck, and let us know how it goes

[MsGrim]

Normally, we do discuss important decisions before making them. At least to get each others opinion on the matter before plunging in. I really try to just remain nothing more than supportive when it comes to his studies, he ultimately knows whats best when it comes to that. We didn't discuss it before hand but he did talk it over with his mom who was super against the idea. Hearing how bummed he was about her reaction and just delaying his career as a whole, I didn't want to add any more stress on him asking why he didn't come to me about it first.

I can say, though, that he seems WAY more relaxed since he's made the decision. I plan to ask him for a little more details on when we can plan a visit in the next few days. Since April, "when are we going to see each other again" has really just been a lingering question since we never had a solid date. Maybe I'll see if he wants to sneak away with me for a weekend sometime soon.

[OhioJim]

As I like to say: "Real Life always gets in the way of your plans".

[MsGrim]

As I like to say: "Real Life always gets in the way of your plans".

Aint that the truth!!!

[vivid_idea]

Sneaking away for a weekend sounds nice!

[MsGrim]

He randomly threw this out there yesterday and it made my heart so damn happy. He said he just needed to see me.. I think we will be seeing each other soon.. Fingers crossed!!!

[D_M]

I love these little moments in LDR that make us "so damn happy" :-). Very happy for you Ms Grim.

[MsGrim]

Well it only lasted for a short while. He has now decided to actually get into his residency next year rather than wait until 2022. So his exams and studying are back on. So now I really have no effing clue when I will see him. It was really hard to deal with because on one hand I am SO happy for him and his career goals but at the same time I miss him so much!!! I was being pulled in two different directions last night and it felt terrible.

We did talk a little about how I was feeling and he reassured me that I was not being selfish by having these concerns and worried about our relationship when he's already got so much going on. It's been a while since I've ugly cried but it was okay because he was there being so supportive and attentive. So now I just have to take a deep breath and have faith that we can make it through everything going on while being separated for so long.

It really is an adjustment we have to get used to. We were used to seeing each other 1-2 times a month.. Here we are going on 7 months apart with no end in sight.

[D_M]

Hey Ms Grim, that is rough. I find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with.
Sorry if you have already explained this, but why can't you plan a weekend together? Surely he takes time off from his studies?

[Redheart14]

Ms Grim,
I don’t know how you continue to be so ok with all the setbacks. You’re way more resilient than I would be in this situation. You’ve gone above and beyond support wise for him and I think asking for a visit is completely justified. Hopefully you can get a visit in soon! You definitely deserve it. Best of luck.

[MsGrim]

His situation is a little complicated. He is currently living with his parents, who don't know about me yet, so it is a little harder for him to sneak away. They have heavy cultural values and that just plays a huge part in his life. The plan was to tell them about me after his original exams were over, but he rescheduled them for the end of the year. By the time he's done taking them, he will be busy with submitting applications and doing interviews for his residency. There's just not a lot of opportunity for us to be together right now.

[MsGrim]

I don’t know how you continue to be so ok with all the setbacks.

Honestly, the only thing I can think of is my love for him! Our relationship is extremely healthy aside from the setbacks and I can't see myself letting him go. Compared to every other relationship I've been in, this is hands down the best thing I have ever experienced. I can definitely remain patient while he gets his career lined up and going. I think once he starts his residency, our relationship will pick up the speed and we will have a lot of time to focus on us as a couple.

[autumn1790]

I love your optimism! I am not sure I could project such happy thoughts in the middle of something like this. Residency programs are no walk in the park, and time is a very scarce commodity. My SO's parents are also super strict and still don't know everything about me, and luckily I've never had the chance to be able to visit him when he's home, but I feel like there should be a way to squeeze in time for someone you love. He can't spend a weekend studying in a hotel with you or something like that?

[MsGrim]

I sent him a quick message last night asking if we can get just one weekend together before he really gets invested in studying.. so currently waiting on a reply to that *fingers crossed* Every other time I've visited him, he's studied while I was there so that's normal for us... He likes to teach me anyways, even if I have no earthly idea how to pronounce most of the vocabulary

It all comes down to getting around his parents. They will ask tons of questions and its just not the right time to tell them about me anymore, so we will have to come up with something else to tell them. I just know how it'll be when he does start residency and now is the best time to squeeze in a visit.