OK, sadly, this is where I am at

[OhioJim]

Thank you for all your words everyone.

Ohiojim - no, I no longer have any trust in him nor faith in the relationship :/

I am just hesitating to make contact because of how much I still love him. It’s really hard when you know it’s not working but you still love them so much. It might undo the distance the past month has created (emotionally, for me) but I feel it is extremely wrong for us to fade out of each other’s lives after a fight and after I requested a break.

I know I have to get back in touch, but I am afraid to.

Just remember, when it is all over you will see that the worry you now have is worse than actually going through with it. So go ahead and do it.

[vivid_idea]

He messaged me last night when I was asleep. Now he is asleep and so I will wait until tomorrow to reply. He just asked me how I was. Nothing more.

I’ve decided to be polite, but I am not fighting for us anymore. If he wants to work things out with me then he has to find a way to prove to me that he really does love me and respect me. I’ve lost mostly all of my trust in him and don’t feel like I want to open up at all.

So it will be up to him if he wants to try. I’ve tried so much these past 2 years. I need to see a total change in his attitude and level of appreciation for me.

If he doesn’t realise that or doesn’t agree, I’m prepared to move on.

[OhioJim]

..... I am not fighting for us anymore. If he wants to work things out with me then he has to find a way to prove to me that he really does love me and respect me. I’ve lost mostly all of my trust in him and don’t feel like I want to open up at all.

So it will be up to him if he wants to try. I’ve tried so much these past 2 years. I need to see a total change in his attitude and level of appreciation for me.

If he doesn’t realise that or doesn’t agree, I’m prepared to move on.

Tell him exactly this. It is perfect IMHO. Don't let him intimidate you into continuing.

[vivid_idea]

Thank you OhioJim 😊

[Hannah93]

Dear vivid_idea,

I posted a few threads here on the page.

I didn’t speak with my boyfriend for two weeks after a fight he reached me out with the same phrase as your SO. I told him I am ready to move on from our relationship, by we still talked in this week a bit but today we had again at fight and I told him I dislike how he’s treating me and he was really disrespectful the way you talked with me and also he got his British passport which means he might can leave Australia but he said he won’t pay for the flight tickets and he’s not gonna visit me.

Today I supposed to apply for exemption/ compassion visa I am not sure if I should do it and spend all day preparing it because he also said/texted me that he wants to give up and he thinks he’s a prisoner and he’s just in an emotional roller coaster with me . He hurt my feelings so much that I am not sure if I want to continue when we had the 2 weeks of silence I realized I am not more with this guy and do I need someone in my life for things and treats me this bad, when I was supportive with him in this 1.5 years.

Best wishes,
H

[MsGrim]

I was going to say exactly why OhioJim said! Say that to him and dont let him intimidate you! You deserve so much better and you don't need to take his crap anymore. You will see exactly what he wants out of the relationship in next coming weeks if you allow him to try and gain your trust and faith back. I'm worried that he will only change for a little while and slowly fall back into his ways of pointing blame and not taking you seriously. Best of luck to you!!! <3

[Redheart14]

How did it go?

[vivid_idea]

Thanks MsGrim 😊

Redheart, I said that I had been alright and he said that was good and he asked if I wanted to go over what happened and that he would like that. I replied that if there was something he wanted to say then I would be happy to read it. I haven’t heard back from him.

It’s likely he interpreted my response as being cold, and it wasn’t what he wanted. But I don’t want to feel like I have to input anything atm. I am more interested to hear what he has been thinking and see where his head is at now (without us diving into a conversation about it together).

Do you think my response was ok? Or should I have said we can talk about it together? I really do feel like I would rather be offered his thoughts and he can allow me to think about it for a bit.

Maybe this makes him feel too disempowered and that’s why he has gone silent again? I’m not too sure...

[Redheart14]

Thanks MsGrim 😊

Redheart, I said that I had been alright and he said that was good and he asked if I wanted to go over what happened and that he would like that. I replied that if there was something he wanted to say then I would be happy to read it. I haven’t heard back from him.

It’s likely he interpreted my response as being cold, and it wasn’t what he wanted. But I don’t want to feel like I have to input anything atm. I am more interested to hear what he has been thinking and see where his head is at now (without us diving into a conversation about it together).

Do you think my response was ok? Or should I have said we can talk about it together? I really do feel like I would rather be offered his thoughts and he can allow me to think about it for a bit.

Maybe this makes him feel too disempowered and that’s why he has gone silent again? I’m not too sure...

I think your response was fine.

[vivid_idea]

I feel annoyed for allowing myself to feel disappointed. Again.

He told me he would write to me “a few lines” later today, and I didn’t hear anything from him.

Isn’t it a big deal if you have just had 3 weeks of silence and the first contact is to say you would write within a specific time? If that was me, I would have made sure I wrote within the timeframe I stated. If I thought I couldn’t do that, then I would leave my window open a little wider.

I don’t understand why he would tell me he would write and then fail to do so. It feels like he is playing a game with me. Or he truly does not care about me at all.

After 3 weeks I had let this go, and now? My disappointment has returned. What a fool I am.

[D_M]

Hi Vivid_Idea, This is really awful for you and I really feel for what you are going through.
After a long time it feels like you could be at teh end of your relationship which is a sad and difficult time. I know.
For this amount of time, I would just give it a little longer. There are a few reasons he might not have replied, the most likely from my perspective is that he is trying to write the right thing and having trouble with the words, that he wants to get right. I don't know your OS so maybe that doesn't sound like him, I am just thinking from my own perspective.
But you have nothing to lose by allowing him a little more time, although I imagine any prolonging of this uncertainty is painful.
LDR is so much more difficult than it already is in these Covid times of uncertainty with borders closed. It is very difficult and very difficult to deal with. From everything you have said, your OS has acted badly, but we are all prone to act badly under stress. Now he has the opportunity to correct that and hopefully he will. I suggest just give him a little more time. This is not so much for him but for you, to give you the certainty to move on, knowing you gave him every opportunity. It is also out of respect to your relationship.
My heart really goes out to you and I wish you all the best whatever you do.

[vivid_idea]

For this amount of time, I would just give it a little longer. There are a few reasons he might not have replied, the most likely from my perspective is that he is trying to write the right thing and having trouble with the words, that he wants to get right. I don't know your OS so maybe that doesn't sound like him, I am just thinking from my own perspective.

Hi D_M, thank you so much for your encouraging words, I appreciate it. What you said here sounds exactly like my SO. In the past, he has put off writing to me because he says he feels uncomfortable with putting his thoughts and feelings out there, especially when circumstances aren’t good. This is likely what is happening.

What bothers me, is that he is so smart and he probably knows that he has, essentially, hooked me back in by telling me he would write and now he hasn’t. He knows this would upset me. I can’t help feeling that he actually wants to hurt/punish me.

I still love him, and I would want to save us if I could. But I wish the games would stop. It’s horrible thinking that he loves having the upper hand over me more than he actually loves me :/

I hope you are right D_M, and that he is just struggling with what to do, nothing more. But in that case, wouldn’t you send a courtesy msg “sorry, I’ll write soon”?

I don’t know. Maybe I expect too much :/

Thanks for reading my thought processes! Lol

[D_M]

"wouldn’t you send a courtesy msg “sorry, I’ll write soon”?"
I'm not sure. If I was in the middle of an argument I might hild off saying anything until I could say what I mean.
But I am more of a heart on my sleeve type of person, and am always honest even if I think I am setting myself up for hurt. It is hard, but means that if things do go bad, then I know I did all I could do. I'd hate to break up and feel that maybe my SO assumed feeling of me that weren't correct because I hadn't communicated it well.

But game playing is not good. And when/if you speak to him I think you need to just be totally honest, state your case, where you stand, both that you love him and want the relationship to work, but also that you can not continue with game playing. I would also clarify what he is playing at; if he is trying to hurt/punish you. Sometimes people act in a bad way that is not true to themselves but not realise until they are called out on it. If he says he is not trying to hurt/punish then explain to him the effect of his actions on you.

However you feel about your OS, if you are spending the majority of your time unhappy because of his actions, I think then you need a break, permanent or otherwise.
Think of it in terms of "that doesn't work for me". You want to be happy, at ease and enjoy your life. If his behaviour is what is stopping you from being able to live like that then... that doesn't work for you.

It's a difficult situation in a IRL relationship. But the LDR aspect of it make is so horrible and more painful.
Remind yourself you're in a position of control and you have the choice. Be true to yourself and it will work out for the best, whether that means you stay together or separate.

Good luck.

[vivid_idea]

Thank you D_M 🤗 That’s a very sensitive and mature response. Thank you so much. I agree with all of what you said.

I’ve not heard anything still. I’ll let you know if something happens. Is everything going ok for you?

[OhioJim]

You can not change another person to make them love you.

But if he truly loves you then he will change himself.