OK, sadly, this is where I am at

[vivid_idea]

Interesting point OhioJim

[Redheart14]

His continued silence is screaming volumes right now.

[vivid_idea]

Hey everyone,

So he did write a long message to me yesterday, explaining what he thought had happened. He said why he couldn’t engage with me and why it led to silence. It has something to do with my emotions being too much for him. He also said that I exclude him from decision making when it comes to my life here and that he finds that extremely hurtful. Bear in mind, I also get accused of taking up all the space in our relationship because of my issues. How can he feel excluded but also feel that I take up too much space?

He tried hard to outline what the issues for him are, but it really lacks feelings, intentions, hopes, desires, dreams... this is the language I can understand and what I would hope to have to refuel us. He ended the text saying that he’s not sure what will come next if anything at all.

I have absolutely no clue what he wants from me, or even where to begin with a reply :/

[Hannah93]

Dear vivid_idea,

The question here in my opinion now is : What do you want from him?

I think he didn’t make a decision.
He is just indecisive 🤷🏻*♀️

[vivid_idea]

I want him to go beyond simply stating what happened and what went wrong. I want to hear about what he is worried about, why he cares, what’s the REAL issue for him. I want him to dig really deep and show me some vulnerability. It’s probably asking for too much, but I know we have to change this “analytical” exchange that we have been stuck in for a while now. It doesn’t make us feel closer at all. Not imo.

[Hannah93]

I am in the same situation and I totally understand what you want and I want the same from my “SO” we had an argument five days ago, since He ignores me - but before we had 2 weeks of silence - and I expecting from him exactly the same what you just phrased above ! since September we are in this rough patch but he’s not doing anything to make it better ...

Give him time if you want, but start to move on, live your life - that’s what I want to do and already trying to be 💪🏻

Best wishes,
H

[kate04]

My darling, I have just seen this.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

The sentence that screamed volumes for me, was when you wrote that you were worried what to say to him.... (that's a paraphrase) - in any relationship, as long as you are not personally abusive, which you could never be! - you should NEVER worry about sharing your feelings. It's a big red flag to have to think and worry about what to say for fear of the response.

I think someone wise said, that if he's like that from 1000's of miles away, what will he be like in person if there's a big row or even mild disagreement?

How are you now?

These times are very hard for everyone and I can't think of anyone that hasn't had 'words' with their SO... This punishment / blame / gaslighting cycle isn't healthy and is an anxiety attack in the making.

Here for you xxx

[D_M]

I want him to go beyond simply stating what happened and what went wrong. I want to hear about what he is worried about, why he cares, what’s the REAL issue for him. I want him to dig really deep and show me some vulnerability. It’s probably asking for too much, but I know we have to change this “analytical” exchange that we have been stuck in for a while now. It doesn’t make us feel closer at all. Not imo.

Hi Vivid_Idea,

This is such a rough time for you.
I think you have to tell him that (above). Whatever happens I think it is important that you can feel that you left no stone unturned, nothing unsaid.
I have been going through a rough patch, a difficult time. I think we are getting through it but these times leave their scars, which take time to heal. It can take time for trust to rebuild (nothing to do with fidelity, I am talking about trust in each other).
I don't know your OS so it is hard for me to write him off. I agree with Hannah93 and think that you must keep that question with you through all this; What is it that I want, that I need?
Is your OS German? Is English a second language for him? You do need to account for that. Eg, the Spanish speak in a very differently than the German, who speak differently the English etc.
And have you spoken to him with vid chat through this period or is it all through text/email?
I would say, for you both, before making any decisions re separation, you MUST talk as close to face to face as possible with vidchat. I read somewhere that only 20% of our communication is the words we use. So much is our gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice etc. Email and text are great but at times like these you NEED the full 100% or as close as you can get to it. I can't stress that enough.
My SO and I nearly broke up recently. We vidchatted and realised that neither of us wanted that. I think that email would not have saved us. Vid chat didn't add anything as such, but it removed the restrictions of text, it opened up the communication, it kept it natural and most importantly, truthful. We saw each other, our faces and our souls, and that was most important.

Don't underestimate how difficult this time is for you both. Remember it is for him too. And when people are stressed it usually brings out their worst behavior, whether that's anger, shouting, silence. It can cause some to retreat emotionally or offload their anxiety and become full-on. We are all different.
Consider what he said about "filling the space" and think about if there is balance when you express your emotions and needs. Are you allowing space for him to express his?.. bearing in mind you most likely need to allow him more time to get to that point. He may well be struggling through all this but come from a background where he is less open to his emotions so it is harder to communicate....
I'm not finger pointing just reminding you that it is easy to see things overly from our own perspective at times. I don't know (obviously) so am just putting things out there to consider. Maybe I am way off but maybe something I said will make you think of something you hadn't considered that can aide your communication going forward.

But yeah, it is a very difficult situation and very difficult for you. I think most of us here can really feel for you. LDRs are hard, but adding to that all the uncertainty around borders and it is ridiculously difficult and stressful. Your situation between Australia (very protective of the outside Covid now) and Germany (Europe having the worst covid levels in the world) makes it so much harder...

But I did read one bit of optimism today, that Germany is looking to introduce vaccination in December. And in Australia, there is talk of opening up International travel to people who have been vaccinated. It's only talk at this stage and certainly a good number of months away yet, but it is the first glimmer of light in this darkness, at the end of this tunnel. It might be something to hold onto if your relationship maintains...

I really hope things work out for the best for you, whether that means staying together to separating.
And remember to keep in mind how this is working for you too and what you want in your life. Are you happy?

Good luck.

[vivid_idea]

Wow D_M I can't thank you enough for the thoughts you have just shared. I read through everything and was nodding my head as I was reading. Firstly, I'm sorry you have also been going through some highs and lows, but it's good to hear that you are working through them. I relate 100% to what you said about trust being damaged. This is exactly where me and my SO are at: Going on 2.5 years of misunderstandings and hurt that has built up, and now we both have shut down and don't know how to find that light place anymore

You have highlighted some really important things. Yes English is his second language and, as good as it is, he isn't completely familiar with the Aussie vernacular. Pair that with his slightly more German seriousness and, yes, we have communication issues. We probably do quite well considering that...

We've made a bit of progress since I last posted. The first thing I did was I asked him what he wanted because it was pretty unclear in his detailed analysis of all our issues. He, again, took longer than he ever usually would to get back to me. He said that he wants to see me again and he wants for us to be a couple, but that we have to sort our issues out. He said he thinks of me and hopes I am doing well. I told him I wanted the same things and so we will try to fix things I think.

I've just sent him a long message and I have tried to address what he said but also be clear about what is difficult for me. None of our communication recently has been via phone or video chat. I haven't spoken to him in over a month. Even when things are good, we don't video chat much. We used to just call each other. Speaking on the phone is my least preferred way of communicating, though, so I think I will have to encourage more video chats.

So I am a bit nervous about how he will respond to everything I said. You know that feeling when you have put yourself out there and you don't know how it's going to be received. Anyway, I just tried to be honest. I'll post with an update when I know a little more how we are going. It's great news about the vaccine. It's really hard being here in Australia and him being over in Germany :/ Had COVID not hit then we would have been able to see each other by now. But that's how everyone is feeling, right?

(Also, thank you so much Kate04, it's really nice to know that familiar people are still around. We are unique in the sense that we are living our LDRs through the COVID pandemic. It really is so so tough. I hope you are keeping your spirits up, babe x)

[D_M]

That is really heartening news Vivid_Idea. I am so glad for you even though there is clearly a lot to be done.
I know what you mean about putting yourself out there and waiting for a response. It is terrifying lol. But you've got to do it, you've got to be honest otherwise you're building your castle on sand.
I hope he reads your email and gets a better understanding of what you're going through. It would be great if he can reciprocate too. Context is everything and understanding where your SO is coming from adn what they are going through makes a big difference when reading their words.
Best of luck Vivid_Idea. Weather this storm and look forward to sunnier days :-)

[kate04]

Hi!

How are things - are you ok?? xxx

[vivid_idea]

Hey

We are communicating again, and trying to take things really slowly. I think we have identified some key issues, so if we can work on those then we could see some definite improvements. I am hopeful.

We both still love each other.

[kate04]

Hey

We are communicating again, and trying to take things really slowly. I think we have identified some key issues, so if we can work on those then we could see some definite improvements. I am hopeful.

We both still love each other.

That's great news.
All ok here too. It's not easy. Far from it. I read that the UK was hoping to open up a Heathrow - New York travel corridor... timescale unknown but Christmas was mentioned (could be Christmas 2029!!!) but cases are rising again so who knows. But at least it's being mentioned - it's hopeful, even though he lives nowhere near New York, but the same continent is a step in the right direction.

You take care and big hugs x

[D_M]

That's great news Vivid_Idea. I'm very happy for you.

@Kate04 I heard the UK is rolling out a vaccine. I think America will be one of the first places to follow. Hopefully this means you'll be reunited sooner rather than later.

[vivid_idea]

Thanks D_M

Australia is one of the strictest regarding COVID measures. We are not even letting our own back in easily :/

I doubt my SO will be able to visit here for another 2 years. At least. It's just, I just don't know what to do. Sigh.

We also don't talk about it. I think he is of the mindset that there is nothing we can do about it, so there is no point in talking/complaining about it. But I can't stop my mind from thinking about the consequences of not seeing each other for soooo long. It's been 9 months now