Need advice on sudden behavior change from boyfriend

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Hi everyone. New girl here with a bit of an issue and not sure how to handle it. I (38F) have been in a long distance relationship with a guy (31M) for just under 2 years now. We’ve managed to make it work and every day we’ve always at least texted, talked, or video chatted. We were supposed to visit each other last year but covid and all. Everything seemed great until about a week ago. Suddenly he starts being quiet and a little elusive with me. Every time I asked if he was ok he would just say “I’m fine” or “I’m just tired”. Then a few days ago he’s very quiet when I talked to him on his way to work and he didn’t text me at all while he was there (he usually does on his breaks or lunch). He will always call on his way home but this time he didn’t. When I texted him to see if he was alright he slams me with he needs space and I am being too clingy. I’ve always tried to respect his space and would ask him from time to time if he needed a break. He would always tell me no and that he liked my company.

I immediately asked several times if we could talk but he would say he’s not in the mood or not respond at all. He will usually tell me if he’s upset with work, friends, or family; but this just came out of nowhere. It’s been almost four days now and aside from a brief text on Friday morning saying he hasn’t ghosted me that he’s taking space, I’ve heard nothing from him and it’s really torn me apart. Im trying to give him the space he asked for but I cannot help but feel like I’ve just been shut out. I’m at a loss for what to do and hope to find some advice if anyone else has gone through this. Thank you.

[Jen72]

Hi everyone. New girl here with a bit of an issue and not sure how to handle it. I (38F) have been in a long distance relationship with a guy (31M) for just under 2 years now. We’ve managed to make it work and every day we’ve always at least texted, talked, or video chatted. We were supposed to visit each other last year but covid and all. Everything seemed great until about a week ago. Suddenly he starts being quiet and a little elusive with me. Every time I asked if he was ok he would just say “I’m fine” or “I’m just tired”. Then a few days ago he’s very quiet when I talked to him on his way to work and he didn’t text me at all while he was there (he usually does on his breaks or lunch). He will always call on his way home but this time he didn’t. When I texted him to see if he was alright he slams me with he needs space and I am being too clingy. I’ve always tried to respect his space and would ask him from time to time if he needed a break. He would always tell me no and that he liked my company.

I immediately asked several times if we could talk but he would say he’s not in the mood or not respond at all. He will usually tell me if he’s upset with work, friends, or family; but this just came out of nowhere. It’s been almost four days now and aside from a brief text on Friday morning saying he hasn’t ghosted me that he’s taking space, I’ve heard nothing from him and it’s really torn me apart. Im trying to give him the space he asked for but I cannot help but feel like I’ve just been shut out. I’m at a loss for what to do and hope to find some advice if anyone else has gone through this. Thank you.

Thats so sad to read , i think as a woman we do often start to blame ourselfs . When men get elusive and we go on auto pilot with worries and thiking its us . Basicly men are shits at times not on purpose, its just how they are wired . The more avaliable we are to them we become just futile in a way . If u where my daughter id say , ghost him back give him space and donk text him or call him back . Make him wonder , make him think .»why, is she not texting me , dont she care) If learned recently that the more you are clingy and trying to get them to open up . The more they will become a routine . They get boring. . If he doesnt get back to you within 10 days then id say move on . If hes struggling with work things , when they settle he should be avaliable again to emotionaly connect. . Just see ,❤️ if any guy didnt get back witinh in 10 days id block his ass. Space or no space . Iits being polite . In 48 and im telling you dont ever let a man treat you this way . Or you will end up taking the trauma of it with you to each relationship. Im there now with my LDR going through the trauma of past relationships and its so sad . My 20 years old has learned me somehing , if you are not worthy of their time , dont give them yours . Time is precious . So set personal boudries for your self . ❤️Im struggling every day with anxiety because I allowed men to treat me this way . You need to say “ STOP “ as well for your own sanity. If they cant give us the emotional security we need as woman then find it in those who love you . I hope i aint brutal here , if things work it then good for you . But seriously you need to stand ur ground with a man or they will walk all over you . Good luck and hugs . Ps be unavailable take ur own space , and dont hold grudges . They back fire he he

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Thats so sad to read , i think as a woman we do often start to blame ourselfs . When men get elusive and we go on auto pilot with worries and thiking its us . Basicly men are shits at times not on purpose, its just how they are wired . The more avaliable we are to them we become just futile in a way . If u where my daughter id say , ghost him back give him space and donk text him or call him back . Make him wonder , make him think .»why, is she not texting me , dont she care) If learned recently that the more you are clingy and trying to get them to open up . The more they will become a routine . They get boring. . If he doesnt get back to you within 10 days then id say move on . If hes struggling with work things , when they settle he should be avaliable again to emotionaly connect. . Just see ,❤️ if any guy didnt get back witinh in 10 days id block his ass. Space or no space . Iits being polite . In 48 and im telling you dont ever let a man treat you this way . Or you will end up taking the trauma of it with you to each relationship. Im there now with my LDR going through the trauma of past relationships and its so sad . My 20 years old has learned me somehing , if you are not worthy of their time , dont give them yours . Time is precious . So set personal boudries for your self . ❤️Im struggling every day with anxiety because I allowed men to treat me this way . You need to say “ STOP “ as well for your own sanity. If they cant give us the emotional security we need as woman then find it in those who love you . I hope i aint brutal here , if things work it then good for you . But seriously you need to stand ur ground with a man or they will walk all over you . Good luck and hugs . Ps be unavailable take ur own space , and dont hold grudges . They back fire he he

Thank you for your kind words and advice!
I am basically giving him till Monday then moving on. You are right life is too short and I’ve shed enough tears for someone who claims one thing but acts another. While this is the first time it’s happened, it is heart wrenching. If he is going through something I feel for him, but without talking or telling me what that is; all I can do is guess and I’m no help there.

[Jen72]

Your welcome , but it is easier said than done i know. ��if you give him to monday just remember if hes going through a hard time then hes just doing what men do. Closing down . Gove him space and give ur self self love ❤️Keep us posted as i hope itvworks out for you guys ❤️But if hes ghosting you then move pn

[D_M]

Hi Lostinthecobwebs, so sorry to read what you're going through.
I can totally sympathise. I don't think this is a gender issue. There have been times when my SO has pulled back and needed some space, dealing with the difficulty of LDR and the fear of how to overcome the insurmountable odds to make it work. Her communication around these times wasn't good and I was left within my own head with my fears and anxiety about it. "Torn up" as you say is exactly how I would feel.
It is hard but you have to respect that. LDRs are really hard at times, and they can be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes you need a little time. Hopefully that is all your SO needs. And he has texted you to tell you that he is not ghosting, that he needs space. Do you have a long time before the prospect of seeing each other again? That can add a lot of weight to one's shoulders.
You have been together a long time, so don't give up easily. If it has only been a week, don't throw in the towel yet. Maybe write him an email, saying you understand his need for space if he is going through a hard time and that you respect him. Tell him you are in it together. And ask him if he can explain a little, that it's ok but it is very hard for you to be shut out. Let him know how much being shut out is hurting you. He is probably over focused on himself and doesn't realise the impact it is having on you.
He may find it easier to talk about it (and I think you'll need to) after a bit of space. Sometimes the space can make a person realise how much they love and need their SO. You do need that communication soon.
I hope this makes sense. I'm suffering from a bit of sleep deprivation today.
I hope it all works out for you both. Take care.

[vivid_idea]

I second every word that D_M said.

LDRs are extremely challenging and it’s normal to need a bit of space to yourself every so often.

I realise how devastated you would be feeling right now. I would be tearing my hair out, too. But try to look at the positives:

- He did send you a text specifically to tell you that he is not ghosting you, but just needs some space.

- Almost 2 years is a long time to commit to someone long distance. He obviously cares about you

- You have shared a lot and had a great connection for that time.

Like D_M, I think writing an email is a good idea. It’s a non confrontation way to tell him how you are feeling. Try not to throw anger and blame. But clearly tell him that the unpredictable change in his behaviour is hurting you. Suggest a specific time to talk so that he knows he cannot treat you like this indefinitely. You suggested you would wait until Monday but you still don’t know what’s happened yet. Something difficult might be happening for your SO right now and he doesn’t know how to talk about it.

It’s not OK for him to shut you out or call you clingy, but sometimes we say things we don’t mean when under stress. My SO and I have had some big arguments and both said hurtful things because we were upset or stressed.

I hope he opens up and explains to you what is happening soon!

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Small but unsure update

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I wish I could say this is a positive update but quite frankly I’m not so sure. He finally did reply to a text I sent him and I tried to find out why he stopped communicating with me. All I got out of it was that work was going to be crazy soon and he’s been feeling blah. Problem is he used this excuse last year too when his work shut down (at that time indefinitely, it reopened 4 months later) and he didn’t shut me out like this. I brought it up and he pretty much ignored it. He still refuses to talk to me outside of just texting. I finally laid down the big question of if his feelings for me have changed, and still no response. That was almost 8 hours ago. I plan on waiting for him to reply, but if I do not get one by Thursday, I believe that’s my answer. This is tearing me apart and I wish I knew what was actually going on. I will update if I get a response, but if nothing by Thursday, well I guess we’ll all know what happened.

[OhioJim]

I don't think 3 days is long enough.

Give him a week or 2. I know its hard, but that way he won't feel like you are pressuring him.

[Jen72]

Hey there , hope u doing ok . I understand how you are feeling. My first response is to say « yeah « be stong dont put up with this, but the more i read into it , and im a big softy , I think you need to give him space . Dont text , dont email . I know its hard as the heart wants what the heart wants ❤️But whatever he is going through,hes struggling just like you .So until he decides to own up to his own actions or behavior he will be this way « pushing you away « so give him time , dont text , email let him snap out of it and if he really cares he will get back and hopefully honestly tell you . So step back without overthinking the woarse . Still give him love from a distance. Just let him have his space . If he aint got back to you within a 2 weeks then hes just a scared boy struggling to face up to hos actions . So give space and keep loving yourself ❤️

[vivid_idea]

Hi again, I read your update and I know how excruciating this must be for you!

I have been in your spot before and I know it is super hard. I have had distant periods with my SO that have challenged me on every level. It's so hard to remain supportive of the relationship when one of you starts acting strange. I think it is the sudden lack of consistency that is so damaging. You trusted in a familiar dynamic between you two and he has suddenly changed it, without explanation. This is unfair to you and damaging your relationship. I see that.

What he has given you is a reason for his withdrawal. He said he has work issues. You said this has happened before but he didn't act this way last year. So, again, it is the change in consistency that is really damaging. I have been working through these kinds of issues in my LDR because I can be more inconsistent than he is and it creates issues at times.

I agree with the former posts in saying that 3 days might not be a long enough time to apply an ultimatum. Considering the time you have been together and the commitment it takes to do LDR, I would take a deep breath and try to give him more time. When somewhat similar scenarios have played out for me, I had such a powerful urge to completely throw in the towel and give up. I realised it was my ego talking because I couldn't bear feeling out of control and powerless to have things my way.

I'm not condoning his behaviour as I believe communication is key. But I do believe that with those we love, we have to learn to put our own needs aside sometimes when our partners are struggling with something. It's very challenging to do this when they are triggering all of our fears about loss and pain. It can be one hell of a rollercoaster.

Maybe he just needs to know that you are still here for him? If he comes back, make sure you talk about how this has made you feel and find better ways of handling things together in future.

Good luck!

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Response update

Hi everyone, I appreciate all your responses and encouraging words. It’s really helped me to try to handle this. You all are amazing caring people. 🥰
As promised I’m here with the response update. I have to admit I’m trying not to be a negative nelly with it.

I’m sorry I’ve not responded till now. Been thinking and tired. Idk. I miss you but i feel blah and just taking some me time I guess. I’m slowly feeling better. I’m sorry I’ve been really annoying with it. I hope you’re okay and not mad

I guess it’s just something that seemed out of character for him, as long as I’ve known him at least. When he’s been upset in the past he always talked to me about it. He knows I try to be supportive. This is the first time he’s completely shut me out and barely talked to me. He also still won’t talk to me outside of texting and takes very long intervals between responses. I also noticed he didn’t exactly answer my question. I want to be supportive but it’s driving me crazy waiting like this. Again, sorry for being a negative nelly with this, it’s just so confusing and hard for me to handle.

[vivid_idea]

That's a good message!

It sounds like things are overwhelming him at the moment (things that likely have nothing to do with you) and so he is just taking time to think and process. Also, being apart from your loved one when you are feeling down can be really hard. Sometimes we can think it is easier to withdraw because the pain of being apart can be too much to take. I am sure if you can be supportive and let him know that you are there for him, then he will open up again. Try to get out of the negative headspace and tell him something positive about what a great boyfriend he is and that you believe in him and you getting through this and that you love him. No matter what happens, he will appreciate it.

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Thank you for the encouragement. I guess it’s just hard for me to imagine withdrawing like this when I’m upset. I’m the exact opposite to where I reach out to someone be it family or friends. Since meeting my boyfriend I would reach out to him whenever I was upset. He use to do the same so I think that is where my anxiety is coming from is that it stopped. I’ll try to be more positive and supportive.

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Uneasy update

Hi everyone.

I’ve been trying to follow your advice on what to do but I’m having a little trouble with this response. He actually was texting a little (more than he has the last couple of days actually) so I asked if he’d want to talk in voice. Told him I missed it and just wanted to hear him. I got this:

I know you want to. I’m just blah. I don’t really know what to say when you talk to me.

This is after we had been texting about a show we had been watching before this and a game we both played for about 30 minutes. Which he still logs into but only when he knows I’m not online. This makes no sense to me because I made no mention of anything that had happened, just I wanted to talk.

[Jen72]

Blah blah blah , is that not one of the most annoying words ever. Like if this guy wants time alone then come and hang out over here with us ❤️ Right now im in totall mental meltdown becausr of my issues . So i think we all need a girls night out. Lets let the men go be moody and manly and let us gorls embrace our emotions. The few freinds i have dont understand what im going through but you guys fo . So we need to support and cherish the days we do feel like grumpy girlfreinds and remeber the day sre different . Do we have a a live chat here . So we can all moan & bitch together id love that . Im trying to keep myself from going insane so lets do this together ❤️ You are wonderful if he dont want to talk today then let him play his game and distract urself ❤️Hugs