I feel like I'm losing it

[D_M]

Hi all,
Seems to be the month for it.
Ok, and here comes a mind vomit rant so apologies in advance.
So in 10 days I am going to visit my SO for the first time.
We would normally skype about 3 times a week and in the last week we haven't skyped except last night but after midnight when I was virtually asleep, so it was short... so I expected to skype tonight but no. I am fobbed off again.
I feel a lot of the lovey stuff has suddenly dropped off.
She still says she loves me and has said she is excited to think of me arriving...
But I am struggling here. I'm spinning out. I don't want to ask about this over text. And I am also afraid I am too stressed and am going to go in like a bull in a china shop and wreck everything just as we're about to meet.
Tonight I texted her an asked what she was up to. She replied, she'd had a busy day and was going to hit the sack soon. But it's only 7pm there and she is a night person!?! Wtf? I feel like she if messing with me, maybe testing me, I don't understand. I was almost going to write back "Yeah, right" or "we need to talk" but as I say I feel paranoid about messing things up just before we meet, when I expect things to go well. .
What the hell is going on? I feel like breaking up or like I'm being broken up with and I don't want either. I feel I need to talk to her and I am stressing out of my mind. I'm getting such conflicting messages from her.
Also, I am exhausted. I have a lot of stress with my work right now, my ex and my son as well; all of which is compounding things so I don't trust my emotions at the moment.
How do I reply to another disappointing text without being snarky or angry or feeling like a doormat.
I hope that makes sense. It just poured out of me.

[kate04]

Hi
You know what I would do? I'd tell her all of the above. Write it down on a message, don't press send, then go back to it and edit.
I'm similar to you in that I over analyse and get out of control and then the wheels come off.
The other day my SO had an early night sleep (he didn't text me goodnight and always does) and he stayed in bed way later than he usually does. When he eventually text me I was very snappish and short with my replies, then I though ffs, I'm the one here with anxiety and my mind spiralling out of control (he's obv been up all night having sex with a random and has been stringing me along blah blah blah) so I said actually x yx and z have upset me and I'm overthinking like crazy and we ended up having a really good chat with no rows. He hadn't been having sex or thinking up a bullsh*t story to string me along with, he was actually just plain and simple knackered.
Good luck x

[D_M]

Thanks Kate,
Yeah, it's horrible when our minds go off on one out of control. The thing for meis I trust her so I'm not thinking she's cheating, and she seems to still be saying she loves me but this weird distance/no skyping - and she doesn't seem to notice or care, is what is spinning me out.
I don't want to get into a big back on forth with text, I actually hate it for serious discussions, and when I think of what I should write or how to frase my feelings without coming across as needy or possessive or a walk over, I feel exhausted, like my brain just passes out.
I need a quick reply and then go to bed. Something that says we need to talk and I am too frazzled to compose even that.

[kate04]

Thanks Kate,
Yeah, it's horrible when our minds go off on one out of control. The thing for meis I trust her so I'm not thinking she's cheating, and she seems to still be saying she loves me but this weird distance/no skyping - and she doesn't seem to notice or care, is what is spinning me out.
I don't want to get into a big back on forth with text, I actually hate it for serious discussions, and when I think of what I should write or how to frase my feelings without coming across as needy or possessive or a walk over, I feel exhausted, like my brain just passes out.
I need a quick reply and then go to bed. Something that says we need to talk and I am too frazzled to compose even that.

Well our minds can go out of control, even if we trust our partners with our lives, there's the irrational fear that something will cause the relationship to crash and burn.
That's why I find it helpful to write it down then talk about it later with actual speech (!) so we've both had time to think and it's not a quick fire of reactions which can end up ugly.
She will know by this stage too that you're not needy / possessive etc but you do have needs and your brain needs to know! Be honest and just say exactly how you're feeling. She probably has no idea you feel this way and is genuinely just tired out / feeling ill or whatever.

Good luck

[D_M]

Yes, that's exactly right. that's where I am. And that's a great suggestion to write it out and then talk.
I read some recent texts and about a week ago she said she hadn't slept because she was anxious about us. And that's when things dropped down several gears.
So now I need to try and be supportive of her but also state my needs.
Wow. I feel like I've just passed through a couple of hours of crazy lol. LDRs can do that.
Thanks Kate, I really appreciate your support.

[Jen72]

Hi all,
Seems to be the month for it.
Ok, and here comes a mind vomit rant so apologies in advance.
So in 10 days I am going to visit my SO for the first time.
We would normally skype about 3 times a week and in the last week we haven't skyped except last night but after midnight when I was virtually asleep, so it was short... so I expected to skype tonight but no. I am fobbed off again.
I feel a lot of the lovey stuff has suddenly dropped off.
She still says she loves me and has said she is excited to think of me arriving...
But I am struggling here. I'm spinning out. I don't want to ask about this over text. And I am also afraid I am too stressed and am going to go in like a bull in a china shop and wreck everything just as we're about to meet.
Tonight I texted her an asked what she was up to. She replied, she'd had a busy day and was going to hit the sack soon. But it's only 7pm there and she is a night person!?! Wtf? I feel like she if messing with me, maybe testing me, I don't understand. I was almost going to write back "Yeah, right" or "we need to talk" but as I say I feel paranoid about messing things up just before we meet, when I expect things to go well. .
What the hell is going on? I feel like breaking up or like I'm being broken up with and I don't want either. I feel I need to talk to her and I am stressing out of my mind. I'm getting such conflicting messages from her.
Also, I am exhausted. I have a lot of stress with my work right now, my ex and my son as well; all of which is compounding things so I don't trust my emotions at the moment.
How do I reply to another disappointing text without being snarky or angry or feeling like a doormat.
I hope that makes sense. It just poured out of me.

I recall when It was getting close to the first time my SO was visiting , i started to panikk and have all kind of insecurities , thinking what if I dont like him , what if he dont like me . What if , what if . So i started to pull away just before him comming over . It was fear nothing else .and i realised that when he got on that plane we had made a commitment that had to be respected . And thank god i allowed my inner voice to be still and took that leap of faith . So when i was standing at the airport as soon i met him all insecurities left and we have bern together now almost 5 years . So You cam do this . You have planned it and now you got to just go with the flow . Im not saying this is why she is behaving like this , like Kate said , she is probably stressed with something else . Youre ticket is booked , take some space , give her som space and just remember the first meeting can be so cool , but stressfull at the same time . But you are in this together so you can fix it together . Just think in 10 days ur going on an adventure across country to meet s fantastic woman. All because of love . Follow your heart , taking that leap of faith is beautiful it means you are alive and open to receive love and give it . So dont let one day make you feel insecure i have had so many of those , but i never give up on love . ❤️ Stay calm and know you got this . You are traveling from NSW to the over side of OZ you know the lingo so chill . He he

[xxcazaxx]

Just to throw it into the mix but do you think that she is perhaps nervous about meeting and its causing her to act this way?

[vivid_idea]

Hi D_M

Don’t panic! And don’t forget you are meeting in 10 days. This is HUGE! She is likely starting to feel very anxious, nervous, stressed and this is making her pull away a bit. It’s not because of you, I am sure if it.

Like the others say, be honest with her but not accusatory. Say how you are excited but worried she might be feeling stressed. Reassure her and try to be understanding that this final bit of time before you meet each other might be the biggest roller coaster you have been on yet.

I can imagine how the feelings that come with it would be too much for some people and they withdraw a little. This sounds like what your SO is doing. And who knows what other stress she feels about it. If you are flying to her then she has the added stress of you suddenly seeing a lot of her life, too. She might be feeling very overwhelmed and unable to even identify or communicate that.

I know you have an idea that this should be the most romantic time for the two of you and this is why it is feeling so awful right now. Truth is, it also can be a very stressful time too, for so many reasons.

I know you want that closeness with her, but I really suggest going down the “be positive, uplifting, and let her know that you are here for her” route and try to keep calm. I know it’s hard.

Don’t forget, you are meeting in 10 days and all of this will just melt away!

[D_M]

I recall when It was getting close to the first time my SO was visiting , i started to panikk and have all kind of insecurities , thinking what if I dont like him , what if he dont like me . What if , what if . So i started to pull away just before him comming over . It was fear nothing else .and i realised that when he got on that plane we had made a commitment that had to be respected . And thank god i allowed my inner voice to be still and took that leap of faith . So when i was standing at the airport as soon i met him all insecurities left and we have bern together now almost 5 years . So You cam do this . You have planned it and now you got to just go with the flow . Im not saying this is why she is behaving like this

Thanks Jen, I actually think this is how she is feeling. And I can understand it. I don't know why I am reacting so badly, maybe I am stressed too although I don't feel stressed about meeting her, just excited and a little first meet nerves. But I feel confident that when we meet, it is going to feel right. I have other stresses here and maybe they have taken up all my resilience reserves.

[D_M]

Hello,
I think you should calmly tell him that you felt a difference this week, compared to others and that it affected you.

I'll do this when we next chat. Thanks

[D_M]

Just to throw it into the mix but do you think that she is perhaps nervous about meeting and its causing her to act this way?

Yes, this is exactly what I think. I'm just struggling with the lack in communication.

[D_M]

Hi D_M

Don’t panic! And don’t forget you are meeting in 10 days. This is HUGE! She is likely starting to feel very anxious, nervous, stressed and this is making her pull away a bit. It’s not because of you, I am sure if it.

Like the others say, be honest with her but not accusatory. Say how you are excited but worried she might be feeling stressed. Reassure her and try to be understanding that this final bit of time before you meet each other might be the biggest roller coaster you have been on yet.

I can imagine how the feelings that come with it would be too much for some people and they withdraw a little. This sounds like what your SO is doing. And who knows what other stress she feels about it. If you are flying to her then she has the added stress of you suddenly seeing a lot of her life, too. She might be feeling very overwhelmed and unable to even identify or communicate that.

I know you have an idea that this should be the most romantic time for the two of you and this is why it is feeling so awful right now. Truth is, it also can be a very stressful time too, for so many reasons.

I know you want that closeness with her, but I really suggest going down the “be positive, uplifting, and let her know that you are here for her” route and try to keep calm. I know it’s hard.

Don’t forget, you are meeting in 10 days and all of this will just melt away!

Thanks again Vivid_Idea. Your words help a lot.
I think what you describe is exactly what she is going through. In addition to the whole first meet nerves, all her family and friends know I am coming and that is a lot of pressure and overwhelming.
I do think part of my roller coaster of stress is that I always imagined these last 2 weeks would be full of sharing the excitement or out upcoming meet and that has been mostly absent. She has texted me things like, "10 days to go" and when I get these texts I feel immediately lifted...
In fact, I feel a bit like a drowning man, and when I get a text from her like this, it is like I am getting a lung full of air. And in the periods when I don't I am slowly sinking. I shouldn't be so vunerable and I think that is also freaking me out.
I will be positive when we chat and than you for the advice.
9 days now! (and when I think this I feel a big surge of excitement)

[Jen72]

Thanks Jen, I actually think this is how she is feeling. And I can understand it. I don't know why I am reacting so badly, maybe I am stressed too although I don't feel stressed about meeting her, just excited and a little first meet nerves. But I feel confident that when we meet, it is going to feel right. I have other stresses here and maybe they have taken up all my resilience reserves.

I so understand that, in fact i think its part of the LDR experience . Its fear & excitement, its like a scary jobb interveiw ., he he . Dont be so hard on your self,remember there are 2 of you. He he

[D_M]

Thanks again everyone for your words and support.

My SO and I had a good chat last night and cleared the air. I listened to how she was feeling and told her how I was feeling. It settled me a lot to have that chat. I imagine I will keep dipping in and out of anxiety in these situations. I've just got to try and remember that we love each other and that is strong. My brain gets that, its my emotions that disappear down the rabbit hole
But all good here after a rocky week. I hope everyone else's roller coasters settle down soon too.

[vivid_idea]

Not long to go now D_M! All systems are on track??