A concern I have...

[MeeshaLenee]

Okay, so there is something that has been bothering me lately, and I've been trying to figure out if it was just my personal prejudices or if I have a valid reason to be bothered. I hope that getting input from people who are outside the situation and are unbiased, will help shed some more light on the situation.


Er, sorry in advance, I get a little wordy at times... >.>


So, what's up (a little background to set it up, first):

Background: John moved to Florida a few years back to be with his then-SO. They'd been in a LDR for a while and his girlfriend had no intention of moving, so one day he decided it was high time he move down there, since he had the money.

Things didn't work out so well once they started living together, though, and they ended up going their separate ways. They just drove each other crazy, being in close proximity to each other like that.

It's been a couple of years since they split, and they've remained friends this entire time. They still like each other/care for each other, but they can't spend too much time together because they start getting on each other's nerves again.


Getting into the problem a little more... Now, before John and I fell in love, when we were still just friends, he'd mentioned that the initial attraction to his ex was still there, and even after all this time he'd still not completely gotten over her, even though they both know it just won't work.

I was aware of the fact that he and his ex are still friends, still part of each other's lives, so going into the relationship I was prepared for that, and determined not to have any jealousy issues (which can sometimes be difficult for me, I'll admit).

And mostly, it's fine--I don't feel threatened by his ex, I'm not worried he'll go back to her (indeed, she's in a relationship herself now, and she is really crazy about her new SO), I haven't had much interaction with her myself yet, but I really don't have a problem with her at all.

I am confident in this relationship. I know John loves me as much as I love him, I know we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.


Here we go: Lately, though, I noticed that John does talk about his ex a lot. Not in a romantic way, not in a way that makes me feel worried or jealous.... He just talks about her a lot. Not always about things happening now, they don't spend tons of time together. Sometimes he talks about what she's like as a person, to explain a problem she's going through now; he'll talk about her family, or her SO, whatever. It's understandable, he's known her for 7 years straight, and pretty much the only people in his life right now that he's known longer, are his family members. So she's understandably a large part of his life.

Because of her personality, she doesn't trust people with her emotions easily, so she pretty much tries to get all her emotional support from 2 people right now--her SO, and John, since she knows she can trust him. So she's been going through a rough time in her relationship lately, and has been leaning a lot on John.

Which means he talks about her even more because it's relevant.

And...well....it bothers me. Maybe once I've met her and if we become friends, it won't bother me, I don't know. But for now, it's hard for me to listen to my SO tell all these stories about his ex, or analyze her upbringing and personality (much as that fascinates me in a general sense, as that's the sort of thing I really enjoy), or talk about how wonderfully intelligent she is (even though that's almost the only thing that he really likes about her anymore, apparently), or explain how he's helping her work through her problems with her SO because he thinks they're right for each other and he wants her to be happy.... And apparently, while her opinion won't actually have a huge effect on the relationship, there is still going to be an element of judgment from his ex, because she's going to want to make sure that I will take care of John.

My being bothered comes from 2 sources, I think:

1) I am not jealous of HER, but I'm jealous of how she's still such a huge part of his life. I know realistically that's not such a big deal, I'm more important to him now, and ultimately I am a bigger part of his life.... But we don't have that kind of history, we don't go "way back" and so I guess I feel a little insecure, as ridiculous as that is.

2) I suspect that he hasn't entirely gotten over her yet. They couldn't be together, but it still hurt them deeply to have to give up on the relationship. In the couple of years since then, they've both had time to heal, to get a different perspective on things, to move on, but I think John still, deep down inside, is still going through the healing process. Whether he realizes it or not. And that doesn't bother me in and of itself, I totally understand and want to help him figure things out, but if there's something standing in the way of that (like how they live in the same town, or maybe he doesn't realize he isn't all the way over her, or maybe he's not really trying, etc), that does irritate me.


I know that I need to discuss this with him, but right now I don't trust myself to approach it right, since I'm not sure if I'm just being jealous or not.

So:

A) If you actually read this and didn't just say TL;DR, then I love you.

B) Do you think I have a good reason to be bothered? Or do you think I'm probably overreacting? I am just kind of confused with this whole thing; I don't know how to feel and I don't know how to respond to this situation.

Thanks in advance to any input, whether it's comments, advice, questions, support, whatever. I do appreciate it.

[MissShortie]

I agree with solleftea, I'm a jealous person. If I were you I would maybe try to talk to John, let him know how you are feeling about all of it. There is nothing wrong with talking to him about how you feel

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, you do have right to be upset. It doesn't matter how long you've known the person or your history together, he shouldn't be talking about her all the time or nearly all the time like that because she still is technically an ex and more than that, she's a girl. My SO had a best friend he dated for a while, knew her for almost 8 years, but he never talked about her unless she brought something up herself. But I knew her. My suggestion to that is tell him how it makes you feel and if he has to vent/talk about her problems to someone to find someone that isn't you. It's not your fault she has issues with opening up nor is it your fault she's limited herself to 2 guys for support that may need another girl.

As for him getting over her, that's understandable. He made a big leap and turned out they drove each other nuts. My parents were like that, they fought constantly together but were fine apart. My dad never got over my mom, my mom was never over my dad but he'd done stuff to her so that she would've never taken him back. Back on point, I think it's just more he can see her in person whereas he can't you and I'm sure he's not gonna up and hop a plane for good to be with you, once bitten twice shy nothing to do with you personally. Do you guys have any visits planned? That actually might help that dilemma, let him see how well you two work in the same room as opposed to her.

But really you need to talk with him about his gabbing about her. I know you're trying not to be jealous and I commend you for it, but it's still not fair to you and I'd have completely green eyes at this point if my guy droned on about an ex like that for so long. Good luck, hon.

[becca53088]

I can definitely relate to your post. While you want to show that you are confident with the relationship and try to forget about your SO's past and the individuals who make up his past, it can be extremely difficult if your SO is bringing up his ex in conversation often. First of all, I want to say that this is an incredibly natural reaction to have. You shouldn't feel that you are being too jealous, etc. because you are human and situations like this tend to make most humans at least somewhat insecure, unless you have very tough skin.

My best advice is to talk openly and honestly with your SO. Communication is so important in a relationship. I guarantee you that just speaking about the issue that is bothering you will make you instantly feel better. Be excited that you can work towards feeling better just by talking to your SO. Approach your SO in a nondefensive way and show that it does bother you. Be honest with how you feel and you can even start it up by saying. "Look, I know I may be silly, but there is something bothering me that I want to talk to you about." Talking to my SO has always helped me get through things that were bothering me (even little things that may have been silly, since I am the insecure one who is constantly worrying about every little thing!). If your SO loves you, he will be completely open to helping you work through any issues you may have, even if sometimes they are silly. Communication is key and doing it sooner rather than later is better because then you won't be overanalyzing everything he says about his SO, every time he talks about his SO, and it won't build up in your mind to create a web of confusion.

I can completely relate to you and I wish you the best! I look forward to hearing how everything goes. Trust me--you will feel worlds better once you talk to your SO about how you feel. Never sweep away your worries under the rug--it is always best to be honest with your SO and let them help you feel better

[Karringtyn]

I am with LMR with this one. You need to talk to him...sensibly. Yes they have history...but you are now writing new history. And yes she trusts him...but she needs to broaden that trust...he isn't her therapist...they tried a relationship and it is done....

I wish you luck...

[mllebamako]

I agree with what everyone else said. I would not be happy if my SO was that close with his ex. Honestly, I don't think that people should be friends with their exes if they are trying to be in a relationship with someone else. For me, it is fine if they are acquaintances and friendly to one another. But they do not need to be all up in each others lives!
Talk to him and try to get him to imagine what it was like if you had an ex who you were constantly talking about. That helped me when my SO got jealous over something in my life. I imagined if the situation was reversed and I realized that he was 100% on point with his feelings.

[nicole]

I had some similar problems with my SO with regards to ex-girlfriends, but for different reasons I won't go into, but I sat down and talked to him and told him whilst I know they are in his past, it hurts my feelings with the frequency he was mentioning them, He took it on board and I don't think he's mentioned them since, apart from once when we had an encounter with one of them.... crazy girl.

Whilst you aren't stupid and accept the fact he has a past with this girl, it doesn't mean you want to here about it everyday. I think you've taken a lot so far, I would certainly find it unacceptable to be having that much contact with an ex, heck, I don't understand the whole "let's be friends thing". It's fine to keep it amiable, but really, they broke up for a reason you know? So I really think telling him how you feel is the best you can do, or at least it will spark some kind of change, as you are definitely unhappy with the situation at present, I understand, whilst you are confident in your relationship, he is not being fair to you at all.

[Darth_Taco]

Up to me to offer the male prospective XP. It's ok, I'm use to it :P.

First, guys can be platonic friends with their exes pretty easily once the former romantic feelings are no longer there. Women on the other hand, you guys seem to... I don't know how to explain it. I think you hold on to past feelings a lot more or something like that. Anyway, it's why you see gay men be able to be friends with like all their exes who didn't fuck them over. It's just how guys work. Women can't seem to do it without being in a relationship with someone else XP. It's just like how in "That 70's Show" when they addressed how guys can physically fight and still be cool, but girls can't forgive so easily. I can't remember what episode it was right now, I just remember that Kelso and Hyde were fighting about something, probably Jackie.

Now I need to address the "lingering feelings" thing. They are definitely there. He was in love with her, moved a bitch-load of miles for her, left a lot behind, and lived with her. If he doesn't have lingering feelings then he is an emotionless bastard. Now, this is completely normal. This is one of those things you gotta let go. If you want a guy who has no lingering feelings for exes then you gotta go after sociopaths, players, men who have never had a major crush or relationship, or corpses. If a guy tells you he has no lingering feelings for an ex and he's had relationships and crushes, he's either sparing your feelings or has had a girl in the past go clown-shit insane on him for admitting it before and is just traumatized. So what does he do about the feelings? Nothing. Trust me when I say that there's a point where a guy can't get over a girl any more than he already has. It doesn't mean he wants her back or anything, it just means she was or is important to him. Every guy has that one girl who will never leave his mind (or guy if they're gay or bisexual). I got a girl like that. I've liked her since I was 14-years-old (20 now), and no mater what I do she'll always have a place in my heart. It doesn't mean that I love Enrique any less or that I'd want her (I'd go back on the drugs first, they're less dangerous than her!), it just means she mattered to me. So you gotta let that go, he's gonna have lingering feelings no mater what.

Now as for jealousy because you haven't met her. I admit, I've been there. Even though Enrique actually left his ex for me, I was a little weird for a while with them still being really close friends (and I mean best friends). It wasn't till I saw them interact that I got to see for myself that I had nothing to worry about. Those two are like brother and sister. Hell, they even physically look related xD. Which makes me so glad he never knocked her up, I ain't raising no incest step-babies ;_;! Oh, and they were 18 at the time, teenage pregnancy = bad XP. Anyway, unless those two are like abnormally close to where they act like a couple, you just gotta see them interact and you'll feel loads better, trust me.

Him talking to much about her! Finally got to that. It's understandable why you'd be uncomfortable. No one wants their significant other talking about their ex nonstop XP. Just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and that you'd like it if he didn't talk to much about her with you. You can't forget though, you said he doesn't really have anyone except her and you, so it seems he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about her. Just take that in mind if he can't cut down as much as you'd like. He does need to cut down though, she's a grown woman who can deal with her own problems (hopefully).

[Silviar]

TL;d - oh wait.

No seriously, I can understand why you're bothered on one level. It's natural to have feelings of insecurity, especially in an LDR because you're not able to just be there and see for yourself. Your mind draws conclusions on things you can't see.

However, you should be able to trust your SO. I would talk to him about how it makes you feel. Make sure to use "I" statements instead of 'you' statements. It's not appropriate for him to constantly talk about her; he really should have many other topics to talk about besides an ex he's still close to. She is not his responsibility, and he needs to remember that and start walking forward in his new life. Both of you need to give a little - he needs to understand that he's gotta let loose of the ex, and you've got to get over your insecurity and be ok internally with his friendship.

If he stops talking about her/reassures you that he really doesn't have feelings for her, will you feel better, or will you still feel insecure?

[Mio]

I think is totally reasonable that you feel uncomfortable with this situation. I mean, you expect to be the most important part of the life of your SO but you are getting a feeling that somebody else is. Probably he is clueless about this whole situation, sometimes guys can be a little blind about this. I think you guys should talk, seriously about how this makes you feel, and maybe about some solutions to this problem. I don't like the fact that when she is having a rough patch in her realtionship she leans on your SO, normally that doesn't end up well. I do believe a man and a woman can be friends without developing feelings, but in a case where they have history together is different. But anyway, let him know, you have right! Hope it goes well!

[MeeshaLenee]

Wow, thanks so much for the responses, everyone!

You've all given me a lot to think about....the biggest thing I was getting from all of you was that I needed to talk to him about it, and be honest with my feelings.

I especially appreciate Darth Taco's insights; you make perfect sense and while some of what you said wasn't new to me, a couple things really opened my eyes and helped me understand the situation a lot better. Thanks for helping me resolve a few of the internal issues I was having.

So I did end up talking to him; I let him know how I was feeling and that much as I could understand why he was talking about his ex so much, it still bothers me that he does it. You guys were right, it felt amazing just to get it out there so he knew how I felt. And things worked out really well, too. We came to an understanding; we had a good talk about the whole thing and I know that in the future I won't have to hear quite so much about his ex, since he knows it bothers me.

It did come out that one of the reasons he talks about her so much is that he has a tendency to go on and on about people that he cares about or are important to him, when it relates to the conversation. It's true; we did have a conversation one night where for an hour, I got to listen to him talking about his family, things that were relevant to what we'd been talking about. And apparently he talks about me a lot to his friends, when something they're talking about reminds him of me.

It was nice to find that out; it made things make a lot more sense.

Thanks again so much, we'll see how things go from here but I feel a whole lot better already, and your advice and input was really helpful.

[becca53088]

That's great!! I'm glad talking to him helped so much

[faith5x5nomore]

I having been dealing with the same thing. My SO is very close to his ex, they talk on the phone all the time, he's always doing things for her, she even cuts his hair !!! For a very long time I was jealous of their connection and couldn't understand why he insisted on remaining friends with her. After meeting with her and talking to his family and friends I realized that they to can't be a couple because they drove each other nuts. I think the biggest thing that helped me finally realize that they have no romantic feelings for one another is talking to her and getting to know her. He asked me for months to make an effort to become friends with her and I was stubborn and didn't want anything to do with her. Once we started to talk, I realized how much they talked about me and how he loves me. My advice to you would be to get to know his ex a little better and to talk to your SO about any concerns you are having. Communication is key Good luck to you both...