Okay, so there is something that has been bothering me lately, and I've been trying to figure out if it was just my personal prejudices or if I have a valid reason to be bothered. I hope that getting input from people who are outside the situation and are unbiased, will help shed some more light on the situation.
Er, sorry in advance, I get a little wordy at times... >.>
So, what's up (a little background to set it up, first):
Background: John moved to Florida a few years back to be with his then-SO. They'd been in a LDR for a while and his girlfriend had no intention of moving, so one day he decided it was high time he move down there, since he had the money.
Things didn't work out so well once they started living together, though, and they ended up going their separate ways. They just drove each other crazy, being in close proximity to each other like that.
It's been a couple of years since they split, and they've remained friends this entire time. They still like each other/care for each other, but they can't spend too much time together because they start getting on each other's nerves again.
Getting into the problem a little more... Now, before John and I fell in love, when we were still just friends, he'd mentioned that the initial attraction to his ex was still there, and even after all this time he'd still not completely gotten over her, even though they both know it just won't work.
I was aware of the fact that he and his ex are still friends, still part of each other's lives, so going into the relationship I was prepared for that, and determined not to have any jealousy issues (which can sometimes be difficult for me, I'll admit).
And mostly, it's fine--I don't feel threatened by his ex, I'm not worried he'll go back to her (indeed, she's in a relationship herself now, and she is really crazy about her new SO), I haven't had much interaction with her myself yet, but I really don't have a problem with her at all.
I am confident in this relationship. I know John loves me as much as I love him, I know we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Here we go: Lately, though, I noticed that John does talk about his ex a lot. Not in a romantic way, not in a way that makes me feel worried or jealous.... He just talks about her a lot. Not always about things happening now, they don't spend tons of time together. Sometimes he talks about what she's like as a person, to explain a problem she's going through now; he'll talk about her family, or her SO, whatever. It's understandable, he's known her for 7 years straight, and pretty much the only people in his life right now that he's known longer, are his family members. So she's understandably a large part of his life.
Because of her personality, she doesn't trust people with her emotions easily, so she pretty much tries to get all her emotional support from 2 people right now--her SO, and John, since she knows she can trust him. So she's been going through a rough time in her relationship lately, and has been leaning a lot on John.
Which means he talks about her even more because it's relevant.
And...well....it bothers me. Maybe once I've met her and if we become friends, it won't bother me, I don't know. But for now, it's hard for me to listen to my SO tell all these stories about his ex, or analyze her upbringing and personality (much as that fascinates me in a general sense, as that's the sort of thing I really enjoy), or talk about how wonderfully intelligent she is (even though that's almost the only thing that he really likes about her anymore, apparently), or explain how he's helping her work through her problems with her SO because he thinks they're right for each other and he wants her to be happy.... And apparently, while her opinion won't actually have a huge effect on the relationship, there is still going to be an element of judgment from his ex, because she's going to want to make sure that I will take care of John.
My being bothered comes from 2 sources, I think:
1) I am not jealous of HER, but I'm jealous of how she's still such a huge part of his life. I know realistically that's not such a big deal, I'm more important to him now, and ultimately I am a bigger part of his life.... But we don't have that kind of history, we don't go "way back" and so I guess I feel a little insecure, as ridiculous as that is.
2) I suspect that he hasn't entirely gotten over her yet. They couldn't be together, but it still hurt them deeply to have to give up on the relationship. In the couple of years since then, they've both had time to heal, to get a different perspective on things, to move on, but I think John still, deep down inside, is still going through the healing process. Whether he realizes it or not. And that doesn't bother me in and of itself, I totally understand and want to help him figure things out, but if there's something standing in the way of that (like how they live in the same town, or maybe he doesn't realize he isn't all the way over her, or maybe he's not really trying, etc), that does irritate me.
I know that I need to discuss this with him, but right now I don't trust myself to approach it right, since I'm not sure if I'm just being jealous or not.
So:
A) If you actually read this and didn't just say TL;DR, then I love you.
B) Do you think I have a good reason to be bothered? Or do you think I'm probably overreacting? I am just kind of confused with this whole thing; I don't know how to feel and I don't know how to respond to this situation.
Thanks in advance to any input, whether it's comments, advice, questions, support, whatever. I do appreciate it.
Er, sorry in advance, I get a little wordy at times... >.>
So, what's up (a little background to set it up, first):
Background: John moved to Florida a few years back to be with his then-SO. They'd been in a LDR for a while and his girlfriend had no intention of moving, so one day he decided it was high time he move down there, since he had the money.
Things didn't work out so well once they started living together, though, and they ended up going their separate ways. They just drove each other crazy, being in close proximity to each other like that.
It's been a couple of years since they split, and they've remained friends this entire time. They still like each other/care for each other, but they can't spend too much time together because they start getting on each other's nerves again.
Getting into the problem a little more... Now, before John and I fell in love, when we were still just friends, he'd mentioned that the initial attraction to his ex was still there, and even after all this time he'd still not completely gotten over her, even though they both know it just won't work.
I was aware of the fact that he and his ex are still friends, still part of each other's lives, so going into the relationship I was prepared for that, and determined not to have any jealousy issues (which can sometimes be difficult for me, I'll admit).
And mostly, it's fine--I don't feel threatened by his ex, I'm not worried he'll go back to her (indeed, she's in a relationship herself now, and she is really crazy about her new SO), I haven't had much interaction with her myself yet, but I really don't have a problem with her at all.
I am confident in this relationship. I know John loves me as much as I love him, I know we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Here we go: Lately, though, I noticed that John does talk about his ex a lot. Not in a romantic way, not in a way that makes me feel worried or jealous.... He just talks about her a lot. Not always about things happening now, they don't spend tons of time together. Sometimes he talks about what she's like as a person, to explain a problem she's going through now; he'll talk about her family, or her SO, whatever. It's understandable, he's known her for 7 years straight, and pretty much the only people in his life right now that he's known longer, are his family members. So she's understandably a large part of his life.
Because of her personality, she doesn't trust people with her emotions easily, so she pretty much tries to get all her emotional support from 2 people right now--her SO, and John, since she knows she can trust him. So she's been going through a rough time in her relationship lately, and has been leaning a lot on John.
Which means he talks about her even more because it's relevant.
And...well....it bothers me. Maybe once I've met her and if we become friends, it won't bother me, I don't know. But for now, it's hard for me to listen to my SO tell all these stories about his ex, or analyze her upbringing and personality (much as that fascinates me in a general sense, as that's the sort of thing I really enjoy), or talk about how wonderfully intelligent she is (even though that's almost the only thing that he really likes about her anymore, apparently), or explain how he's helping her work through her problems with her SO because he thinks they're right for each other and he wants her to be happy.... And apparently, while her opinion won't actually have a huge effect on the relationship, there is still going to be an element of judgment from his ex, because she's going to want to make sure that I will take care of John.
My being bothered comes from 2 sources, I think:
1) I am not jealous of HER, but I'm jealous of how she's still such a huge part of his life. I know realistically that's not such a big deal, I'm more important to him now, and ultimately I am a bigger part of his life.... But we don't have that kind of history, we don't go "way back" and so I guess I feel a little insecure, as ridiculous as that is.
2) I suspect that he hasn't entirely gotten over her yet. They couldn't be together, but it still hurt them deeply to have to give up on the relationship. In the couple of years since then, they've both had time to heal, to get a different perspective on things, to move on, but I think John still, deep down inside, is still going through the healing process. Whether he realizes it or not. And that doesn't bother me in and of itself, I totally understand and want to help him figure things out, but if there's something standing in the way of that (like how they live in the same town, or maybe he doesn't realize he isn't all the way over her, or maybe he's not really trying, etc), that does irritate me.
I know that I need to discuss this with him, but right now I don't trust myself to approach it right, since I'm not sure if I'm just being jealous or not.
So:
A) If you actually read this and didn't just say TL;DR, then I love you.
B) Do you think I have a good reason to be bothered? Or do you think I'm probably overreacting? I am just kind of confused with this whole thing; I don't know how to feel and I don't know how to respond to this situation.
Thanks in advance to any input, whether it's comments, advice, questions, support, whatever. I do appreciate it.
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